Gypsy-woman Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Okay people I've just had a double whammy and I need your thoughts. I moved cities with my 16 year old daughter two and a half weeks ago to move in with my fiance. I rented out my house and left my job of 12 years. Yesterday his ex-wife gave me a whole lot of information I wish I had before I moved in with him. Ten years ago he was taken to Court for being sexually inappropriate with his then 14 year old sister in law - not touching but grooming and preforming sexual acts on himself in front of her. This ended up being thrown out as there was not enough evidence, just he said she said stuff. Around the same time he and his then wife had a three way sexual relationship with his 19 year old niece (his brothers daughter). He took her to sex clubs etc. Her reason for telling me was that she was concerned as I had a daughter, and the reason she left him was his obsession with sex. I told him what she had told me when he got back from work last night. He was clearly flustered and said his ex was just trying to cause problems. (I do believe her, and she is in a happy relationship and stands to gain nothing from this, in fact she was embarrassed she allowed herself to be coerced into the sexual relationship with his niece). He admitted he was taken to Court and denied he had been inappropriate. He admitted he had taken his niece to a sex club but said he never touched her. He stayed in a motel last night to give me thinking space, he's staying away tonight as well. I've told him we'll talk about this on the weekend but that he must be honest as I can deal with the truth but he's adamantly denying any wrong doing. Right now I feel trapped and wish I never left my job and home. I have no money to move back with. I do have a job interview tomorrow so at least I will be able to get some money of my own. He has only ever been loving and caring to date, this has come as a complete shock. Sorry for the novel! Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 I’m sorry about your situation. This must be a difficult and confusing time for you. If your fiancé do have unhealthy obsession with sex, he will need therapy. Sending you prayers, that you’ll find work soon, and have the wisdom to make the right decision for you and your daughter. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
IfonlyIknew Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Oh my gosh sweetie I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. As a mom with a daughter myself, this is disturbing. Have you checked into his public court records? Is there any way you can talk to your old boss at your job of 12 years? This needs to be "undone" somehow. Can you stay with a family member or friend back in your area? I would start applying for jobs back by you if you can't get yours back. How long have you known this man? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I really feel for you. This must be a terrible blow. You had no idea and now are in a vulnerable position. Your boyfriend could be a totally reformed character but I do believe character doesn't change and if a person has had these impulses before and acted on them, he could do so again. I would agree with others and say you need to do what you can to undo this and get your home back. What a shock to be facing this so soon! I would also recommend you find out as much as possible independently of the history of this, by accessing court records or whatever you can. In the UK, women can approach the police to find out if a partner poses a risk. Given that you have a daughter with you, I am sure if there was a real risk, they would inform you. I don't know what the laws are like elsewhere. Are you going to be able to relax and trust him with your daughter? Look after yourself and your daughter. I feel so sorry for you because you have invested a lot. I can understand why he didn't say anything - because he knows you would not be with him now - but in a way not saying anything means the house of cards will fall down in the end anyway. Is there any way you could have foreseen there was an issue here? Were there any clues? I only ask not in order to judge you for not seeing but so that the rest of us can learn too. Link to post Share on other sites
IfonlyIknew Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Checking in on you, I'm sure you are overwhelmed sorting things out. We are here for support when you need. I agree with above ^, he could be totally changed, but this needs to be looked into ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I moved cities with my 16 year old daughter If I was cynical, I'd wonder if he's cultivated the relationship with you to have access to her. Given his history, is it a coincidence he's marrying someone with a teenage daughter ?? Be very careful... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Have you met his family/friends? I'm thinking his relationship with his family, particularly his brother would give you some hints as to what actually happened with the niece. if him and his brother are tight, then as inappropriate as it sounds, maybe the niece thing isn't as bad as it sounds (although it sounds gross as f to me, even as an open minded person). And of course the sister in law thing is even worse... I am a believer in innocent until proven guilty, and I hate to see someone punished for something they were charged with but not convicted for... but it sounds awfully suspicious. Was this why him and his ex split? Regardless I wouldn't let your daughter anywhere near him, until you get to the bottom of this. Link to post Share on other sites
spideywoman Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Yea, where there's smoke, there's fire. I am so sorry you're going through this but hats off to his ex who showed maturity by coming to speak to you and tell you about this crucial piece of information. Perhaps he has changed but the two situations you describe are incredibly disturbing _ aside from the sex addiction part, it involved teenage family members which is what bothers me the most. This is a tough call. And it'll come down to your gut and what it's telling you. Do you believe him? I don't have children but my sense is that I would not be able to expose my daughter to him after having this information. What IF? This might sound callous but there are plenty of men around. You only have one daughter. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
IfonlyIknew Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 Some time has gone on, how are you dealing/doing? Link to post Share on other sites
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