How can I stop beating myself up over ruining my chances?

[kendahke]

Let's say there is a man whose meets a girl on Tinder. Let's say he doesn't know whether she is on there for a relationship or just for sex. As a third date, a man suggests that she come over to his town to go to a restaurant together and then go back to his place to watch a show they like. If the girl were to tell him that she would like to get to know him better before sleeping with him, do you think he wouldn't try to get to know her more? If she says, "That's not what I'm looking for on Tinder" will he never speak to her again? Or will he continue to pursue her? Could his pursuing lead to him wanting a relationship with her?

 

I slept with a guy too soon and I'm worried that now I ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with him. I'm such an idiot. If i had told him I didnt just want a hookup and let him pursue me, would he have eventually gotten feelings for me?

 

 

A very good rule of thumb in life: you cannot sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in.

 

Your guy's intention was to not be in a relationship with you. There are plenty of men who don't chuck the woman out with the rubbish after sleeping with her; however, there are also plenty of men who do and your best bet is to not allow your heart or imagination to get its head before you and the guy have made a mutual decision to be in a relationship. You can have your feelings, but don't let them take over your good senses when you have way more territory to traverse to find out if they are relationship-minded in the first place. Chances are, they're sex-minded and if you're game, they're game--but it doesn't mean they want the obligation of relationship just because they had sex with you.

[Miss Peach]

IME you really just need to go with your values and personality on when to sleep with a man.

 

If you wait, you can usually get to know him long enough to know what type of man he is. The more time you spend with him (and between seeing him) you can better gauge what he's wanting. Men who want to be your BF usually step up and act like it over time. So if you can't stand the idea of it turning into a ONS or FWB then don't mess with your self esteem. The flip side is if you really value sex (as in waiting) then you are more likely to attract men who feel the same. If these are not your values then you may be attracting a mismatch.

 

If you can handle/want a more casual arrangement or put more value into sex then sleep with a man earlier. The men who value this tend not to wait as long as the men who treat sex as something more serious. The downside is you may have to go through this a lot as there are a lot of men trolling for sex and you don't have enough time with a man to know which category he has put you into.

[Mind-Chants]

Me and my fiancee met at a mutual friend's party and hooked up. We did it again when we met at another party. I asked her out after the second ONS. Now we are together for 7 years and about to get married.

 

I think sometimes people are so invested in relationship outcomes (commitment, marriage etc.) that they overlook the core aspects of the relationship (compatibility, chemistry, sexual coherence etc. ). The fault lines surface at a later stage and do the damage. But when you invest in building a relationship and let the outcomes be the by-product of your mutual understanding, there is a good chance you are looking at a healthy LTR.

 

I don't think how soon you have sex is not a parameter to judge a potential relationship. Miss Peach explained it quite well.

[ManyDissapoint]

Men sort women into would not bang, would bang, and would relationship. Try to make yourself into the type of woman that puts you in category three if that's what you want.

[smackie9]

The reality is, all men are looking for sex first. If you turn out to be the right girl, yes a relationship will happen....it's a crap shoot. You can't expect everyone you date see you as GF material. That is why we date....get to know you, you get to know them. Avoid guys who love bomb, and tell you what you want to hear, and guys who barely if never text between dates.

[JelatineDessert]

 

Men who want to be your BF usually step up and act like it over time. So if you can't stand the idea of it turning into a ONS or FWB then don't mess with your self esteem.

 

Thank you for the advice. Can you clarify what you mean by the "Men who want to be your BF usually step up and act like it over time." Do you mean that even if I'm FWB with a guy, he may step up and act like a BF over time if he likes me? Is that what you meant?

[smackie9]

If a guy is serious, he will TELL YOU. Lots of guys may act like a BF, still doesn't mean a commitment.

 

BTW you can't make a guy want a relationship.....

[kendahke]

Thank you for the advice. Can you clarify what you mean by the "Men who want to be your BF usually step up and act like it over time." Do you mean that even if I'm FWB with a guy, he may step up and act like a BF over time if he likes me? Is that what you meant?

 

It has been known to happen, but it's not the norm--it's the anomaly.

 

Generally speaking, FWB's don't morph into full on relationships. They are a stop gap measure when a person is in-between relationships and doesn't want to have to answer to someone else, but they want sex satisfaction.

 

A guy who wants to be your boyfriend generally acts like it from the start. He doesn't want to risk you finding someone else and being with them.

 

You might want to look up Chaz Ellis on youtube and watch his relationship videos. He speaks on this topic in particular.

[JelatineDessert]

 

A guy who wants to be your boyfriend generally acts like it from the start. He doesn't want to risk you finding someone else and being with them.

 

 

You know what I'm confused about? People say that men put women into categories. So if he just wants sex, then obviously he put me under the FWB category way before we ever even went out on a date. However, I'm super confused about what I did to make him think that. All the dates we went on, I didn't come off as sexual or promiscuous, dressed modestly, kept myself modest, was classy, and did not kiss him even when he was hoping I would. I made no mention of sex, and I am in no way trying to brag about myself, but I would consider myself to be girlfriend material, and I don't really carry myself as someone who isn't. I believe I can hold an intelligent conversation and have goals in my life. I wasn't ronchy, sleezy or anything! I was just a normal chick out to get to know a guy. Is it really all that accurate that men put women in categories based on what the girl is like? I don't know what i did to make him think that...

 

Do you think that maybe he just assumed I was the FWB all because I met him on Tinder? Maybe he thought that's what I was there for?

Edited October 5, 2016 by JelatineDessert

[SwordofFlame]

You know what I'm confused about? People say that men put women into categories. So if he just wants sex, then obviously he put me under the FWB category way before we ever even went out on a date. However, I'm super confused about what I did to make him think that. All the dates we went on, I didn't come off as sexual or promiscuous, dressed modestly, was classy, did not kiss him, even when he was hoping I would. I made no mention of sex, and I am in no way trying to brag about myself, but I would consider myself to be girlfriend material, and I don't really carry myself as someone who isn't. I wasn't ronchy, sleezy or anything! I was just a normal chick out to get to know a guy.

 

Do you think that maybe he just assumed I was the FWB all because I met him on Tinder? Maybe he thought that's what I was there for?

 

It's not only about what you did to make him think you are or are not girlfriend material. You also need to consider whether you're missing something that he looks for in women that are girlfriend material or whether he even wants a girlfriend at all at the moment.

[JewelD]

Does this guy have a magic penis or something? You seem very hung up on him to have only been on three dates.

 

Tinder usually is a hook-up site so it's possible he thought you just wanted sex and that he just wanted sex. But this whole girlfriend material vs. Friends with Benefits material is nonsense. But he clearly asked you for sex with that freaky Truth or Dare game and you went for it. A man might not be out looking for sex but he's certainly not going to turn it down if it's offered to him.

 

Simple solution to this very simple problem, is he still talking to you? Is he asking you out on dates? Are these dates located in areas that are not his house or a hotel? If the answer is no, then you are most likely just a booty call to him.

Edited October 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[SwordofFlame]

You know what I'm confused about? People say that men put women into categories. So if he just wants sex, then obviously he put me under the FWB category way before we ever even went out on a date. However, I'm super confused about what I did to make him think that. All the dates we went on, I didn't come off as sexual or promiscuous, dressed modestly, kept myself modest, was classy, and did not kiss him even when he was hoping I would. I made no mention of sex, and I am in no way trying to brag about myself, but I would consider myself to be girlfriend material, and I don't really carry myself as someone who isn't. I believe I can hold an intelligent conversation and have goals in my life. I wasn't ronchy, sleezy or anything! I was just a normal chick out to get to know a guy. Is it really all that accurate that men put women in categories based on what the girl is like? I don't know what i did to make him think that...

 

Do you think that maybe he just assumed I was the FWB all because I met him on Tinder? Maybe he thought that's what I was there for?

 

Also want to add:

Your way of thinking is like a guy asking what must I do to make this particular girl, my girlfriend? Well sometimes there's really nothing you can do if she just doesn't like the guy that way.

[JelatineDessert]

It's not only about what you did to make him think you are or are not girlfriend material. You also need to consider whether you're missing something that he looks for in women that are girlfriend material or whether he even wants a girlfriend at all at the moment.

 

So if i'm understanding this correctly, maybe I just didn't fit his idea of what he wanted in a girlfriend and so maybe that's why he chose not to get to know me? I just want to know if maybe it wasnt my fault, (since I always blame myself).

Is it also safe to say that no matter how great a girl may be, it won't convince a guy to want a relationship?

I feel bad because I wasted a good opportunity to develop a relationship with a potentially good guy. I can't stop beating myself up over it. (especially cause it's not everyday that I'm into a guy)

[Imajerk17]

I'm sorry OP, but he just never sounded that into you. A month between dates....well that's your sign right there.

 

I also think you are also looking at the wrong things. I for one have never lost interest in a woman for sleeping w me too early or for not being clear that she is looking for a relationship. We also don't put women into categories per se; we will have sex with you if we are attracted in the moment even if we aren't sure we want a relationship (i.e., you're attracted but we don't feel that extra zing, you're not quite our type and w all those options out there why settle, ect).

 

And you can't *convince* nor can you ( to use your word) *make* a guy to want to be your boyfriend either. And on that note, no it's not your "fault", and there's likely nothing wrong w you, I'm sure there's a guy out there who would really appreciate you and who'd love to make you his girlfriend. Even if you hook up w him on the first date.

 

I think it's fine if you do not want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. Next time you can wait until it's established that you are exclusive first. HOWEVER (to repeat the point) I don't think waiting longer to have sex would have changed the outcome, except possibly you and he never would have had sex.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Imajerk17

[JelatineDessert]

I'm sorry OP, but he just never sounded that into you. A month between dates....well that's your sign right there.

 

I also think you are also looking at the wrong things. I for one have never lost interest in a woman for sleeping w me too early or for not being clear that she is looking for a relationship. We also don't put women into categories per se; we will have sex with you if we are attracted in the moment even if we aren't sure we want a relationship (i.e., you're attracted but we don't feel that extra zing, you're not quite our type and w all those options out there why settle, ect).

 

And you can't *convince* nor can you ( to use your word) *make* a guy to want to be your boyfriend either. And on that note, no it's not your "fault", and there's likely nothing wrong w you, I'm sure there's a guy out there who would really appreciate you and who'd love to make you his girlfriend. Even if you hook up w him on the first date.

 

I think it's fine if you do not want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. Next time you can wait until it's established that you are exclusive first. HOWEVER (to repeat the point) I don't think waiting longer to have sex would have changed the outcome, except possibly you and he never would have had sex.

Thanks ImaJerk17 for the advice. I really hope so! I've been so mad at myself for a while. Do you think that the fact that we met on Tinder made him think I'm not girlfriend material though? Maybe he thinks I'm trampy. I never told him that the reason why I joined Tinder in the first place was actually for a relationship and not sex. (honestly)

[hestheone66]

Regardless of what he may or may not want, you need to take back the power that you seem to have given away.

I have used dating sites just for sex and been out with lovely men who didn't want to bed me soon. I've also met my current perfect partner from what I intended to be a one night stand.

Keeping dating others makes you less dependant on the motives of one. And this is likely to be what he is doing as well.

Trust your gut instincts..don't just settle because he may offer a relationship..(the sex may be awful and you've invested too much in trying to be 'nice'. Of course at this stage if you are sating others is none if his business and guys live mystery.

[kendahke]

You know what I'm confused about? People say that men put women into categories. So if he just wants sex, then obviously he put me under the FWB category way before we ever even went out on a date. However, I'm super confused about what I did to make him think that.

 

IMO, all women go into that category initially and it's through repeated, in-person interaction outside of a bed that demonstrates to the guy if she is the sort of woman who belongs in a girlfriend/wife category. Also, if you don't possess that certain "it" thing that the guy looks for in a woman's personality, you're not going to be his girlfriend. It's really all about preferences, to which everyone breathing has a right.

 

Do you think that maybe he just assumed I was the FWB all because I met him on Tinder? Maybe he thought that's what I was there for?

 

That is generally the overall perception of Tinder. It's not eHarmony or a matchmaking service. It's an app to facilitate casual sex. That it has morphed in some people's minds into a relationship app has nothing to do with what it actually is.

 

The fact that a lot of time went by between dates should have been a real indicator to you that this guy really wasn't into you. If he was, he would not have let a month go by and risk you finding someone else. That he did let that month go by is what you should be looking at because that behavior screams disinterest.

Edited October 6, 2016 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Hey OP I think you are having a distorted view on how to avoid being used or coming off as easy. That's not how it works. If a guy has an agenda just to get laid, it's doesn't matter how "modest" or "classy" you make yourself out to be.

 

BTW there is NOTHING WRONG with being sexy, in fact that is what men LIKE even for GF material. How else are you going to attract a man, that wants to keep you. Men are very visual, love sexiness, fun, mystery, etc. When I was dating I was in heels, tight dresses, or mini skirts and I had np finding men that wanted me to be their gF. But then again that was a time when men were men and had ballz to ask you out in person. Sure I had my run in with players or guys that just wanted sex...they just got kicked to the curb.

Edited October 6, 2016 by smackie9

[Sunkissedpatio]

With the exception of holding a gun to a man's head or using some form of physical force, you can't make a man do anything. Full stop.

 

Having said that, there is no guarantee a guy will stick around after you sleep with him nor should you expect that from anyone especially after a one night hook-up. In your situation it could have happened exactly the same even if you waited so don't beat yourself up about that.

 

The only way to ensure you can gauge a guy's interest is to pace yourself. Not two or three dates, really take your time to build that emotional intimacy and get to know him let him get to know you. Take things sloooow, go out, make out like crazy, hang out, have fun, get to know each other and spend quality time enjoying each other's company. If he just wants sex he'll dissapear fairly early on, if he doesn't (and this is just my experience) by the time you do have sex he's practically saying I Love You. Of course he doesn't actually love you yet but the infatuation is strong on both ends and there is less tendency to want to walk away after sex because the emotional connection is there. The attraction grows deeper when there is an emotional connection, sex isn't transactional it's based on many more factors than the physical attraction alone.

 

What emotional connection do you have with someone after two dates? NONE. So why wouldn't they walk after that?

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Just remember this....

 

Girls want a lot of things from one guy,conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

 

So unless you are planning on keeping said guy prisoner, the answer is no.

[eightytwenty]

You know, finding the right person it'll be easy and flawless. Yes there are going to be hiccups but there shouldn't be this much thought or effort into it.

 

Enjoy being single and options, and then enjoy a relationship when it comes, don't force it. Whether you wait a hour or 3 months. If its going to work it will. Hanging up on someone with a month between dates should of given you a red flag. Within a couple of weeks even its sort of time to find the next option and there will be more. Don't worry about the little things, because it isn't going to help someone like you more or less.

[Toodaloo]

That makes me feel much better. But you know what confuses me? When there are two things I hear in the world:

One is: "Only the right woman will make a player stop playing."

and then the second is: "The only time a guy will get into a relationship if he wants one. If he does not want one, there is nothing you can do."

 

So honestly, with these two opposite statements I hear, I can't help but to wonder which is accurate. What do you think?

 

A player often carries on playing after he has met the "right" woman...

 

And a guy will only get into a relationship when he wants to...

 

Quit trying to force it and stop regretting sleeping with a guy. If you think you will regret it later then don't do it. Simples.

 

Your body. Your actions. Own it.

 

There is nothing you could have changed with this guy. The result would have been the same so next time be clear about what you want and expect. if they do not agree whole heartedly with you then simply walk away.

[Miss Peach]

FWIW I am a big believer in people being matches or not. Stop looking at it as I'm not good enough for him. If he's a good match then he'll make sure to snap you up. Multi-date if you need to but stop pining over one guy until he makes it obvious he wants to lock you down. He's not the only guy out there.

 

Thank you for the advice. Can you clarify what you mean by the "Men who want to be your BF usually step up and act like it over time." Do you mean that even if I'm FWB with a guy, he may step up and act like a BF over time if he likes me? Is that what you meant?

 

Usually one you are in the plaything category, you won't make it into the GF category. Women do the same thing here. If there is a guy who's too needy, too nice, too sexually suggestive, etc. women will categorize him and he'll turn into a nuance or a fun time IF you want to take that opportunity. With men it's pretty similar but they tend to make the categorization earlier on in general than women. Never stay around in a less-than situation hoping to be upgraded. It doesn't happen.

 

By acting like a boyfriend, it means taking you out on regular dates where he attempts to get to know you non-sexually, calls you, texts you, offers to help you, etc. He won't want to let another guy get in there and claim you. He wants to make it obvious he wants to take you off the market for him. Most guys will want to see you at least weekly and will want to have the exclusive talk within a month. Three months at most. Most serious guys will also wait for sex if they really like you.

 

You know what I'm confused about? People say that men put women into categories. So if he just wants sex, then obviously he put me under the FWB category way before we ever even went out on a date. However, I'm super confused about what I did to make him think that. All the dates we went on, I didn't come off as sexual or promiscuous, dressed modestly, kept myself modest, was classy, and did not kiss him even when he was hoping I would.

 

So this can occur two ways. First is the guy isn't wanting anything serious. Either he's too young, he's working on his career, he plans to move, etc. The second is your actions. It's not just dressing but it's how you carry yourself and what you say. For example if you're at the gym and he compliments you and you say something like "I gotta look good" he might see you as a plaything. If you say something like "Working out is really important to me because I believe in living a healthy lifestyle" then that alone won't put you into GF category but he gets the hint he'll have to work a little harder for you.

 

I think it's fine if you do not want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. Next time you can wait until it's established that you are exclusive first. HOWEVER (to repeat the point) I don't think waiting longer to have sex would have changed the outcome, except possibly you and he never would have had sex.

 

If you can't handle guys leaving after sex, this helps a bit because usually there is enough of an emotional connection that guys will want to stay. He's already seeing you as a potential GF. The flip side is if your values are less conservative you're more likely to attract a more conservative guy this way.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Imajerk17]

Thanks ImaJerk17 for the advice. I really hope so! I've been so mad at myself for a while. Do you think that the fact that we met on Tinder made him think I'm not girlfriend material though? Maybe he thinks I'm trampy. I never told him that the reason why I joined Tinder in the first place was actually for a relationship and not sex. (honestly)

 

That you met on Tinder has little to do with anything if he were really into you (whether you met on Tinder or Match or the grocery store). After all, HE was on Tinder too.

 

BUT, if you are looking for a relationship, then why are you on Tinder in the first place? Why aren't you on a more relationship-oriented site? I do know of a few people who are in a relationship in love with someone they met on Tinder, but they were well into their 30s. As a woman in her early 20s (you seem young) you are still going against the odds by trying to use Tinder to get a relationship, as most of the guys on the site your age are thinking hookup first.

 

(And putting 'not looking for a hookup' won't change that. There is another thread in the General Relationships forum where this came up and the guys (myself included) UNANIMOUSLY agreed that 'not looking for a hookup' on a woman's profile means nothing.)

 

Anyway to sum up, it's not about "what you did" with this guy, it is more about the demographic you are seeking out--being on Tinder instead of a more relationship-oriented site--that HE was on Tinder makes it more likely he was looking for a hookup primarily.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Imajerk17

[JelatineDessert]

 

 

So this can occur two ways. First is the guy isn't wanting anything serious. Either he's too young, he's working on his career, he plans to move, etc. The second is your actions. It's not just dressing but it's how you carry yourself and what you say. For example if you're at the gym and he compliments you and you say something like "I gotta look good" he might see you as a plaything. If you say something like "Working out is really important to me because I believe in living a healthy lifestyle" then that alone won't put you into GF category but he gets the hint he'll have to work a little harder for you.

 

 

 

He is pretty much been in his current career for years now, and he loves it, he's 30, isn't planning on moving or changing his life drastically.

I carried myself well/(gf material-style), didnt give off any plaything vibes, upheld intelligent conversations and didn't come off as ditsy or facetious. I think I made the mistake of not telling him why I was even on Tinder, so he assumed I was there for a hookup. I made so many mistakes, I can't help but beat myself up over it constantly. I feel like anything I do can make a guy not like me/put me into a wrong category.