My parents are demanding that I leave my boyfriend

[SnugglePuggle94]

So just a heads up this is a long story.

 

So my recently reconciled boyfriend and I, who had been together for two years, broke up a few weeks ago due to circumstances created by his mother. She, who has had two divorces, influenced him to think that I wasn't working on our future and thinks I was delaying my job search too long to move forward with things (I have like no experience and no one wants me, that's why I'm not getting hired). He thought I couldn't live with a man who had baggage from abuse by his step father. Anyway along with that, he thought I was always way too defensive in arguments- which I never thought I was- and just some silly little things that we were arguing over and he split up with me out of the blue. I had no idea it was coming and was like a literal slap to the face. I had never cried so hard in my life, and my parents were absolutely appalled as they thought he was the sweetest guy ever.

 

Fast forward a couple weeks, after a week of no contact, I finally slipped him an email (that was the only thing he wasn't blocking me from) saying I forgave him. He was happy that I told him and we started talking. We talked about our issues and started to feel again. Two nights ago he finally asked for me back and I said yes. Well I know it seems like we are rushing back in, but to us it isn't. We talked through our issues and are fighting with everything we have in us to make it work and we love each other deeply.

 

Then comes the reveal to my parents. I was so anxious that I couldn't hold it in anymore and I deeply regret it. Last night I told them...and they completely turned on me, saying I should dump him and that they know whats best for me. They didn't like that I lied about talking to him (we thought it was best at the time not to say anything until we were sure), and that he is leading me down the wrong path. They told me from the start of the relationship that they had a bad feeling from the get go, and if he was the one for me that God would give them a sign saying so (family is mega Christian). And they think that since he hurt me with the breakup that it would happen again, and that he may never get over his baggage of abuse, which might lead to abusing my kids later. They don't think he is being my spiritual leader and that we never prayed together or read the Bible together is a major red flag. They think I'm being stubborn by digging in my heels and think that my rebellious attitude is caused by him. My Dad literally said he doesn't want him in my life and prayed for God to deter his soul so it would feel unrest and so he would break things off!

 

I'm 22 years old, and I told them I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. I tried to tell them I respect their wishes but it is my life and they don't have control over what I do or who I love. They literally said that he is influencing me to be that way and that I'm not respecting their wishes but actually bucking them about it, as if their "wishes" were actual "orders" from them.

 

I talked to him last night and he's majorly upset and disappointed in them. But it hasn't swayed him- he is still fighting for me. We talked about having him call them and talking things out. Mom literally told me that it wouldn't work and he agrees with me that they are beyond swaying them as he would've just said the things I have already and they aren't listening to me.

 

Now I'm not that close with God, and I didn't know that my parents wanted us to have a spiritual relationship. I told him what Mom had said about him not being my "spiritual leader" and he said he wants to be, and that he wants to pray with me and read the Bible together. Mom said that after 2 years of not doing it, that if we start now that it won't change anything. I literally thing that is complete bogus and he does too.

 

They also gave me all these examples of how people rebelled against their parents and went with their heart and ended up in divorce years later. I know that was in their time years ago. It is a different age now and they don't know for sure that will happen here.

 

I am fighting for my heart here and for what I want so bad, but it scares me that I might lose my parents forever. I am about 90 percent positive that when they talk to me that I will tell them I've made my decision and that it is final, and that nothing they will do or say will change it. And if they still don't respect that- then I will tell them they will lose me as their daughter if they don't stand down. If they take up my ultimatum though...they might kick me out and that's what I'm afraid of...I only have a little over 2,000 dollars in my bank account and currently unemployed. My best friend lives 3 hours away so I could see if I could live with her for awhile if she accepts me since my boyfriend is currently not financially stable to support me right now. But what also scares me is that my car has my Dad's name registered on it and I'm afraid he might report it stolen if I get up and leave, or might try to take it away from me so I can't leave at all.

 

My best friend chose her heart- she actually left her parents to move in with her man. They are Catholics and her parents were mad for awhile, but they got over it. They have now been married for over a year and are eagerly awaiting to start their family in a year or two. I told my parents that and they don't think it's a good example and that they are still in a honeymoon phase and that things might come up later in life. Well I tried to tell them that they already almost got divorced because her husband was being a bit too controlling, but they are working on things and now are happy again, but Mom went off on me ranting again so I couldn't say it.

 

I love him so much and he loves me dearly. He isn't giving up and I don't want to give up either.

 

I know I'm venting and I'm sorry this is long, but if you made it through the whole thing I would be so greatful if you could lend me a hand of reassurance on what you think my decision is good and if I should follow my heart.

 

Thank you!

 

Sincerely,

 

a torn daughter

[BluesPower]

Think about this, you are an adult. So there is that.

 

But is this your first serious relationship?

 

Maybe you parents are right, maybe they are not. You need to be respectful to your parents, but you also need to make your own decisions.

 

When you become an adult, it is not all rainbows and butterflies. But, you do need to make your own decisions and you have to live with the consequences.

 

You need to stop be torn up by what both your parents think. But if you are living at home you have to take some of their wished into consideration.

 

You may want to think about getting any job and moving out on your own for a while. It will help you grow up.

 

You guys need to get some pre-marital counseling if you are thinking about getting married. You need to learn how to communicate like adults or this will happen again.

[pteromom]

First of all... what do you think about your parents' judgment? Not about your bf, just in general. Like are they generally good judges of character and circumstances? Do you find them reasonable people? If so, you should really value their opinions about this guy. It could be that they are right.

 

Next... right now, you guys are on an emotional high due to reconciling and now having to "fight" for your love. This REALLY makes the "love" you are feeling much stronger than usual, and keeps you from being able to balance your head and your heart. Something to keep in mind!

 

Then there's your relationship. There are several red flags here.

- "baggage from abuse from his step-father." What is this "baggage"? What does it mean in your relationship?

- "some silly little things that we were arguing over and he split up with me out of the blue." - this shows his lack of ability to resolve things. Look into the future and imagine him taking off every time something hard happens.

 

Think about whether your relationship really WORKS outside of what you are feeling. Don't just hold on tight because you are scared of letting go.

[Tayla]

Live the definition of an adult. age is a number...maturity is gained thru responsible behavior and regard.

[SnugglePuggle94]

Usually I respect my parent's judgement, but if you were in my shoes and hearing everything they spat you, you would see how controlling and manipulative they are being. They usually are reasonable people but they aren't at all and won't let me explain myself at all.

 

I don't know what baggage he is carrying. I'm letting him decide on if he wants to reveal that or not. And I know that our relationship does work outside of what I'm feeling because I experienced it first hand for the two years we were together.

 

I am taking their wishes into consideration but I am choosing him over them. They have had way too much control over my life and our relationship- that was one of the problems he didn't like because I was always concerned about what they thought of him. When he wanted to propose after a year, I worriedly told him we should wait as they still don't know him well. And as things progressed I still worried about what they thought and that was how they controlled us.

 

He can resolve things. If anything I think through this time it's made him more resilient and more determined to never let things like this happen again.

 

I'm saying no more control over us. I am fighting for what I want.

[basil67]

I can clearly see why your parents are concerned.

 

I too want to know what his 'baggage' consists of. And tell us about these 'silly' things that the two of you kept arguing over. I'm a firm believer that if a thing is important enough to cause an argument, then it's a significant issue.

 

And for what it's worth, if you're in a relationship where there are frequent arguments, you should NEVER be blindsided by a breakup. On the contrary, you should be well aware that a breakup is imminent if the problems aren't solved. Those arguments are a big red flag saying that the relationship has serious issues.

[SnugglePuggle94]

I can clearly see why your parents are concerned.

 

I too want to know what his 'baggage' consists of. And tell us about these 'silly' things that the two of you kept arguing over. I'm a firm believer that if a thing is important enough to cause an argument, then it's a significant issue.

 

And for what it's worth, if you're in a relationship where there are frequent arguments, you should NEVER be blindsided by a breakup. On the contrary, you should be well aware that a breakup is imminent if the problems aren't solved. Those arguments are a big red flag saying that the relationship has serious issues.

 

We haven't argued at all about these things until the argument that led to the break up. I didn't even know they were concerns but he just was worried I wasn't doing my part to secure our future and that I was being so defensive. Other parts were just personal things, like he didn't think we sexted enough or what not. If his mother hadn't put those doubts in his mind, we would've been able to talk things through like we always do and this would have never happened.

 

So yes, I was blindsided by this break up and I believe we can make this work. I just need my parents to see that.

[basil67]

Usually I respect my parent's judgement, but if you were in my shoes and hearing everything they spat you, you would see how controlling and manipulative they are being. They usually are reasonable people but they aren't at all and won't let me explain myself at all.

 

I don't know what baggage he is carrying. I'm letting him decide on if he wants to reveal that or not. And I know that our relationship does work outside of what I'm feeling because I experienced it first hand for the two years we were together.

 

I am taking their wishes into consideration but I am choosing him over them. They have had way too much control over my life and our relationship- that was one of the problems he didn't like because I was always concerned about what they thought of him. When he wanted to propose after a year, I worriedly told him we should wait as they still don't know him well. And as things progressed I still worried about what they thought and that was how they controlled us.

 

He can resolve things. If anything I think through this time it's made him more resilient and more determined to never let things like this happen again.

 

I'm saying no more control over us. I am fighting for what I want.

 

Do you realise that you shouldn't be considering a long term future and children with someone who has abuse baggage which they won't share? While it's his prerogative to not share it, you shouldn't accept not knowing exactly what you're getting into with a person. It's also alarming that he hasn't processed it yet.

 

I know you want to believe that your relationship works. But it's not working. If it was working, you wouldn't have had all these arguments and broken up.

 

And it was SMART of you to have him not propose after just a year together...especially while you're so young. Don't be negative on your parents because you used wisdom.

 

You can fight your parents all you want on this matter. But if you're living under their roof and they are supporting you, they do have the right to set parameters.

[SnugglePuggle94]

Do you realise that you shouldn't be considering a long term future and children with someone who has abuse baggage which they won't share? While it's his prerogative to not share it, you shouldn't accept not knowing exactly what you're getting into with a person. It's also alarming that he hasn't processed it yet.

 

I know you want to believe that your relationship works. But it's not working. If it was working, you wouldn't have had all these arguments and broken up.

 

And it was SMART of you to have him not propose after just a year together...especially while you're so young. Don't be negative on your parents because you used wisdom.

 

You can fight your parents all you want on this matter. But if you're living under their roof and they are supporting you, they do have the right to set parameters.

 

I believe he will share it when he's ready. And that he will get over it with God's help. I can see a future for us if we resolve the issues at hand, and we basically already have besides his baggage and my parents.

 

I know my parents are trying to set up parameters but it's not their decision about my happyness.

[basil67]

OK, so what is he doing about getting back together with you?

[SnugglePuggle94]

OK, so what is he doing about getting back together with you?

 

He doesn't care about the job search anymore. I mean he still wants me to get a job to support myself but not enough to use it as a factor against our relationship.

 

Since he lives three hours away there's not much he can do as far as physical visitation. I'm sure he is willing to go to counseling for us as he says he will do anything. He even wanted to call my parents but they aren't in a listening mood right now.

 

And he's working full time to raise money for a marriage that will hopefully happen in the future.

[basil67]

Moving out of your parents house will give you the ultimate freedom to choose. So what's the story with not being able to find a job? Can you not get one in a local restaurant, fast food or supermarket? Have you tried talking to the owners of local businesses?

 

What qualifications do you have? Have you done any internships?

[SnugglePuggle94]

Moving out of your parents house will give you the ultimate freedom to choose. So what's the story with not being able to find a job? Can you not get one in a local restaurant, fast food or supermarket? Have you tried talking to the owners of local businesses?

 

What qualifications do you have? Have you done any internships?

 

I have some experience with the supermarket already and I worked in my dad's roofing business for a time. I'm just trying to find a receptionist job or something along those lines that offer a little more money. I need some money in my account before we decide to marry, and going back the supermarket for a measly 8.25 an hour I'm not sure will cut it but will be my last resort.

 

And I have thought of about moving out but if there's a chance I can get my parents to change their minds and that I can stay while I work it will save me a lot of money. But I'm prepared to leave if they don't want to make it work, and Zach thinks that it is the worst resort that can happen. I have to believe that they can accept my wishes even if they don't like them. I mean right now they are at counseling with a therapist- maybe they might come home with a better mindset. I have to hope, can't I?

[basil67]

Being prepared to work for a measly $8.25 per hour shows that you're determined to work. This looks good on your resume.

 

Did you go to college? What are your qualifications?

[angel.eyes]

He doesn't care about the job search anymore. I mean he still wants me to get a job to support myself but not enough to use it as a factor against our relationship.

 

Since he lives three hours away there's not much he can do as far as physical visitation. I'm sure he is willing to go to counseling for us as he says he will do anything. He even wanted to call my parents but they aren't in a listening mood right now.

 

And he's working full time to raise money for a marriage that will hopefully happen in the future.

There are so many red flags in your description of your relationship with this guy!

 

At the end of the day, the point of dating is to learn more about the person and figure out if you're compatible. He refuses to share critical information about himself to determine if his issues are something you can deal with in your relationship and future. Add to that, you were arguing so much that you think counseling will help. If you need counseling just to continue to deal with a dating partner, you aren't compatible. Right now, you're living three hours apart and can't get along without drama and constant "silly" arguments. "Silly" arguments that are serious enough to precipitate a breakup. Imagine how bad it gets when you see each other on a regular basis! You've learned enough to know you shouldn't be dating.

 

Then you felt blindsided by the breakup. His concerns that lead to the breakup remain. Nothing is resolved. He'll break up with you again. Like many dumpees, who don't want to deal with the pain of a breakup, you're simply dragging out the inevitable. Unfortunately, I don't think you can put side your emotions to focus on the reality of your situation. So, this is going to be a life lesson for you.

Edited November 3, 2016 by angel.eyes

[SnugglePuggle94]

Being prepared to work for a measly $8.25 per hour shows that you're determined to work. This looks good on your resume.

 

Did you go to college? What are your qualifications?

 

Yes I went to the university of Florida and have a English bachelor degree but I don't have any experience in the field that I want to do.

[SnugglePuggle94]

There are so many red flags in your description of your relationship with this guy!

 

At the end of the day, the point of dating is to learn more about the person and figure out if you're compatible. He refuses to share critical information about himself to determine if his issues are something you can deal with in your relationship and future. Add to that, you were arguing so much that you think counseling will help. If you need counseling just to continue to deal with a dating partner, you aren't compatible. Right now, you're living three hours apart and can't get along without drama and constant "silly" arguments. "Silly" arguments that are serious enough to precipitate a breakup. Imagine how bad it gets when you see each other on a regular basis! You've learned enough to know you shouldn't be dating.

 

Then you felt blindsided by the breakup. His concerns that lead to the breakup remain. Nothing is resolved. He'll break up with you again. Like many dumpees, who don't want to deal with the pain of a breakup, you're simply dragging out the inevitable. Unfortunately, I don't think you can put side your emotions to focus on the reality of your situation. So, this is going to be a life lesson for you.

 

I think you are reading into this way too much, dude. He has never refused to admit information. He just isn't ready to talk about it, hence the counseling if he thinks it will help and if my parents would probably like it too if he did it. We don't need counseling to "deal" with each other, and we haven't constantly bickered at each ither. Besides that argument that led to the break up we have been fine and we have talked through any other issues that had been at hand.

 

I am not dragging out the inevitable. I have a feeling that there won't be another break up. I'm choosing to be positive in this.

[angel.eyes]

Volunteer as a receptionist (that's what you hoped to do I believe) at a non-profit (e.g. an animal shelter) while working as a waitress, cashier, or whatever job you can get to pay your bills.

[angel.eyes]

I think you are reading into this way too much, dude. He has never refused to admit information. He just isn't ready to talk about it, hence the counseling if he thinks it will help and if my parents would probably like it too if he did it. We don't need counseling to "deal" with each other, and we haven't constantly bickered at each ither. Besides that argument that led to the break up we have been fine and we have talked through any other issues that had been at hand.

 

I am not dragging out the inevitable. I have a feeling that there won't be another break up. I'm choosing to be positive in this.

 

He proposed to you, right? He knew enough at one point in your dating saga to feel he had enough information to know you were the person he thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? Yet he still wasn't "ready" to share his own history. That's refusing to tell you information that's relevant to determining if he is right for you, a shared life together, and his potential parenting abilities. You were supposed to make a decision blindly about a guy so troubled by his baggage that he can't share it with you after proposing to you and knowing you for more than a year???

 

What were all these "silly" arguments that you mentioned, among them his concern that you don't work and can't support yourself?

[SnugglePuggle94]

He proposed to you, right? He knew enough at one point in your dating saga to feel he had enough information to know you were the person he thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? Yet he still wasn't "ready" to share his own history. That's refusing to tell you information that's relevant to determining if he is right for you, a shared life together, and his potential parenting abilities. You were supposed to make a decision blindly about a guy so troubled by his baggage that he can't share it with you after proposing to you and knowing you for more than a year???

 

What were all these "silly" arguments that you mentioned, among them his concern that you don't work and can't support yourself?

 

Again, he wanted to propose but I advised against it because my family still didn't know him that well. Other silly things were just that he didn't feel we sexted enough. []

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted rude comment ~6

[SnugglePuggle94]

Volunteer as a receptionist (that's what you hoped to do I believe) at a non-profit (e.g. an animal shelter) while working as a waitress, cashier, or whatever job you can get to pay your bills.

 

That's a good idea. Thank you.

 

Just now I still have to deal with my parents. They just got home from the counselor but I'm afraid to confront them. The last two times I have initiated contact about this topic they went off on me and I'm afraid they won't listen this time either...but my nerves are just coursing through my body and I'm scared I might not be able to hold in my emotions if they won't listen to reason.

[basil67]

That's a good idea. Thank you.

 

Just now I still have to deal with my parents. They just got home from the counselor but I'm afraid to confront them. The last two times I have initiated contact about this topic they went off on me and I'm afraid they won't listen this time either...but my nerves are just coursing through my body and I'm scared I might not be able to hold in my emotions if they won't listen to reason.

 

Well you certainly don't want to confront them. Confrontation is a fighting stance and will certainly lead to arguments.

 

How about talking with them in a non-confrontational manner? Ask them how the counselling went.

 

By the way, why are your parents in counselling?

[SnugglePuggle94]

Well you certainly don't want to confront them. Confrontation is a fighting stance and will certainly lead to arguments.

 

How about talking with them in a non-confrontational manner? Ask them how the counselling went.

 

By the way, why are your parents in counselling?

 

 

I honestly don't know. Maybe just for their marriage or something. But since they went tonight I'm sure they probably talked about me and Zach. I thought when they got home they would want to talk but instead they are sitting on the couch watching TV.

 

And I don't know if I should just ask about how the counseling went especially if it's a personal matter for them. They also might think I might be up to something by asking that.

[basil67]

OK, well leave them to their own business.

[SnugglePuggle94]

OK, well leave them to their own business.

 

So just wait until they come to talk? Okay. I'm trying to distract myself from my nerves. I'm so scared that I might not be able to hold my emotions in if they go off on me again. But I'm trying to hold onto a hope that they will come back with a better mindset, which will help me be able to feel better and talk sensibly. My Dad got very upset last night when he yelled that he wanted Zach out of my life and very drivenly said to break things off. I've seen him get worse than that and I don't want him to be like that to me.