Do I go to an ex-boyfriends funeral?

[mrs rubble]

I just learned an ex-boyfriend died suddenly. Him and I broke up 5 years ago, I declined his marriage proposal and broke his heart, he did get over it and met another lady he adored, they married 7 months ago.

I'd like to pay my respects but I don't know how his family would feel if I turned up. Best to stay away and say my goodbyes in prayer alone?

[jen1447]

I'd say don't. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and you removed yourself from his core the day you dumped him, so ....sorry to be blunt but you don't have any privileges here. It'd be particularly egregious if it would upset the parents or wife.

 

What I'd do is either give an anonymous donation to his preferred charity (that kind of thing is usually stipulated in an online memorial site) or just visit his grave by yourself after the fact if you can find out where it is.

[pteromom]

I would not go. His funeral is for his wife and his family, and I would just say goodbye privately.

[Methodical]

Jen nailed my thoughts. Friends and family members gather at wakes/funerals to pay their respects and support immediate family members. Your relationship ended five years ago, and I surmise you have had no further contact with this man.

 

Anonymous condolences show class bc you aren't inserting yourself into their lives, and it offers you an avenue to contribute in a meaningful way.

[mrs rubble]

Thanks. I agree, I don't want to upset his wife or family with my presence.

I did communicate with him after we broke up and I wished him well on his marriage. I also remained friendly with his brother. So I'm happy he and his family were on good terms with me.

My son and I were both given a very special cultural treasure from him, which we will both always cherish and remember him by.

 

I can't help but think about how he died- he drowned. I'm a qualified lifeguard and now I feel guilty all over again for dumping him.

[Erik30]

Unless you receive an invitation, don't go. You would just upset his family. (His wife probably) You haven't been a part of his life for quite some time so I doubt people are expecting you to show up.

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry to hear this. Although you had broken up, I bet it's still quite tough to process, and I bet you are reliving memories. Try not feel guilty. Obviously you both weren't meant to be. And you both happily moved on. If you two spoke about his marriage, I imagine there was no hurt feelings. So, be kind to yourself.

 

Regarding the funeral, it may hurt others if you went. I'm sure you can understand that. You could send your condolences through to his brother. And pay your respects in a different way. Light a candle, set off a lantern, Visit his grave, honour him through another way or memory that feels right for you.

 

No guilt, ok?

Hugs, friend.

[Art_Critic]

I'm with the don't go crowd, this time is for his wife and family... but.. a condolence card to the family would be in order.. if you know the brother then send it to him.

[amaysngrace]

Yes go. You were a part of his life and meant a lot to him.

 

Return the favor by showing that he was special to you too.

 

Go pay your respects.

[mrs rubble]

Thank you for all your comments, especially yours poppy- thanks for the hugs.

I am going to send my condolences through his brother, it feels like the right thing to do.

[preraph]

Since the family may resent you, I wouldn't.

[mrs rubble]

Since the family may resent you, I wouldn't.

 

Thanks for your input. I didn't attend- the funeral happened before you posted and I did say I wasn't going.

The family don't resent me. His brother fully understands why we broke up.

[mortensorchid]

I was with someone last year who died suddenly. I went to the funeral. No one knew that we were having an affair or that I was the last one to see him. I did not go to the separate memorial afterward because I thought that would be disrespectful to his family. I stayed for the church ceremony and then I left quietly. No harm, no foul.