How many of you had a dday?

[Lillyp32]

I've been following a thread about how people's long term affairs ended. It seems in that thread that most people ended their A's on their own. It's just got me wondering how many of you had a dday and were forced to go NC.

[cocorico]

I've been following a thread about how people's long term affairs ended. It seems in that thread that most people ended their A's on their own. It's just got me wondering how many of you had a dday and were forced to go NC.

 

Having a DDay doesn't necessarily mean the end of the A, or NC. There are stories here of OW who've survived multiple DDays, sometimes dozens. And, some who had DDays that led to MM leaving (though fewer of those).

[Lillyp32]

Having a DDay doesn't necessarily mean the end of the A, or NC. There are stories here of OW who've survived multiple DDays, sometimes dozens. And, some who had DDays that led to MM leaving (though fewer of those).

 

I know. I'm just wondering if there is anyone who's had a dday that actually ended the A. I can't recall seeing any stories on here about that. It seems most of the dday's I've read about resulted in everything you just described. I'm feeling like I'm the only one who got dropped for good on dday.

[malvern99]

Generally speaking, how a BS reacts in the immediate aftermath of a DDay determines what will happen. A BS who takes strong decisive action has a much better chance of stopping the affair dead in its tracks. If you read the infidelity section, you'll see that BS's who are willing to walk away from their marriage have better outcomes. On the other hand, a BS who engages in the "pick me" dance only encourages the affair to continue on some level. WS's do not respect weakness.

 

I'm guessing in your case, your MM's betrayed spouse laid the law down and wasn't willing to do the pick me dance. She probably gave him the simple choice of either picking his marriage or picking his AP because he could not have both. Her strength likely knocked him out of the fog and made things too real.

[DKT3]

There is a ton of stories here, that follow what you're asking. Several are active threads.

[DKT3]

For many WS they don't really get the damage until they see it, most just don't have it in them to continue once they have seen it.

[Lillyp32]

I'm guessing in your case, your MM's betrayed spouse laid the law down and wasn't willing to do the pick me dance. She probably gave him the simple choice of either picking his marriage or picking his AP because he could not have both. Her strength likely knocked him out of the fog and made things too real.

 

Yes, I'm sure she did lay down the law. I hadn't expected the A to continue if we had a dday, he knew that. Having a real relationship with him wasn't something I saw working given our situation either even though he brought up us being together for real quite a bit as the A progressed. He knew where I stood on that and to be honest, I think he was more of a dreamer than anything and that actually leaving his wife and family would've been entirely too hard for him. I guess I'm just asking more out of curiously than anything else. Like I said earlier, I'm feeling all alone with how my dday went even though I never expected anything different.

 

This fog thing still confuses me. I read a lot about it on here. I read a lot about it when my husband had his LTA too. It seems that any feelings a MM/MW has for their AP is just a fog and not real. It doesn't make much sense to me because I did in fact love my AP. I don't want the A back, I regret the A and wish it never happened but my feelings for him were very real. I don't feel like I was in some strange fog and all of a sudden on dday woke up thinking, "I never loved him and it was all fake." Maybe I'm alone in that too lol

[malvern99]

There are some who see the damage yet still continue inflicting it. That is mostly because they are in situations where they are facing no real consequences for their behavior. How often do we read stories where a WS is fence sitting after dday until the BS finally says I've had enough. Suddenly the WS who couldn't decide what they wanted 5 minutes ago is now committed to doing what it takes to save the marriage. It's not so much the pain that causes them to reconsider as it is the consequences of their actions.

[Lillyp32]

For many WS they don't really get the damage until they see it, most just don't have it in them to continue once they have seen it.

 

I know this too. I understand why he dropped me the way he did and honestly I wouldn't have continued the A even if he had wanted too. I also don't want him to come back and am feeling more than relieved that it's over.

 

I'm honestly just curious if anyone else had a dday that ended the A like mine did.

[malvern99]

This fog thing still confuses me. I read a lot about it on here. I read a lot about it when my husband had his LTA too. It seems that any feelings a MM/MW has for their AP is just a fog and not real. It doesn't make much sense to me because I did in fact love my AP. I don't want the A back, I regret the A and wish it never happened but my feelings for him were very real. I don't feel like I was in some strange fog and all of a sudden on dday woke up thinking, "I never loved him and it was all fake." Maybe I'm alone in that too lol

 

I hear you on this. The fog means different things to different people. I liken the fog to being impaired. Affairs are like a drug in that they flood our brains with feel good chemicals. They screw with our rational side and make it difficult to make rational decisions. You see it here all the time. People who were in stable marriages for 10 years plus seriously considering leaving their spouse for someone they've known for all of ten minutes. To a rational person, that sounds insane. To a person in the fog though, it doesn't sound that crazy, but that is because they are high on the affair chemicals and are thus impaired.

[Lillyp32]

I hear you on this. The fog means different things to different people. I liken the fog to being impaired. Affairs are like a drug in that they flood our brains with feel good chemicals. They screw with our rational side and make it difficult to make rational decisions. You see it here all the time. People who were in stable marriages for 10 years plus seriously considering leaving their spouse for someone they've known for all of ten minutes. To a rational person, that sounds insane. To a person in the fog though, it doesn't sound that crazy, but that is because they are high on the affair chemicals and are thus impaired.

 

Ah, this makes more sense to me. You know I tried to explain to my therapist the weird pull of the A. I wanted out so bad and kept trying to break things off only to get pulled back in. I was continuing it even though I wanted out. I didn't even know why I was doing what I was doing anymore, I was just doing it. It's really hard to explain. Maybe that was my fog.

[missmetomorrow]

Never us. 5 years, we've watched our mutual friends be caught, be caught his wife once. But we are still a secret. We think maybe if we end it now we can just keep the memories and it be a secret forever, not sure yet how long we'll hold out.

[DKT3]

Yes, I'm sure she did lay down the law. I hadn't expected the A to continue if we had a dday, he knew that. Having a real relationship with him wasn't something I saw working given our situation either even though he brought up us being together for real quite a bit as the A progressed. He knew where I stood on that and to be honest, I think he was more of a dreamer than anything and that actually leaving his wife and family would've been entirely too hard for him. I guess I'm just asking more out of curiously than anything else. Like I said earlier, I'm feeling all alone with how my dday went even though I never expected anything different.

 

This fog thing still confuses me. I read a lot about it on here. I read a lot about it when my husband had his LTA too. It seems that any feelings a MM/MW has for their AP is just a fog and not real. It doesn't make much sense to me because I did in fact love my AP. I don't want the A back, I regret the A and wish it never happened but my feelings for him were very real. I don't feel like I was in some strange fog and all of a sudden on dday woke up thinking, "I never loved him and it was all fake." Maybe I'm alone in that too lol

Fog doesn't necessarily mean feelings aren't real, but it does mean the relationship isn't real, it exists in the bubble that only allows the AP's to enter, in this bubble the irrational becomes rational. An escape from the mundane tasks of day to day life. Like going into wonderland.

 

People love all the time sometimes the negative side effects will outweigh that love and make the relationship impossible to maintain. For whatever reason it doesn't happen with affair relationships or else you wouldn't have them.

 

Most people I've come across that have had affairs and become stronger because of it always say WTF was I thinking...that is the fog. You aren't there yet, but you will get there

Edited November 3, 2016 by DKT3

[Cyra]

We had a dday and it ended by him inducing NC in a cruel way.

I can see now it was a fog clouding my own issues with this illusion of love.

Still hurts like hell every day though

Edited November 3, 2016 by Cyra

[whatatangledweb]

We had a d-day and the affair ended right then. He blocked her everyway possible. She tried to contact him every few months for over a year. He never saw what she sent and she was blocked from those ways she had found. The affair ended five years ago and he never contacted her again.

 

I told him if they was what he wanted then get out. He didn't want to go. Then I told him that any contact with her and I would file for divorce. He knew I was serious.

[Lillyp32]

Fog doesn't necessarily mean feelings aren't real, but it does mean the relationship isn't real, it exists in the bubble that only allows the AP's to enter, in this bubble the irrational becomes rational. An escape from the mundane tasks of day to day life. Like going into wonderland.

 

People love all the time sometimes the negative side effects will outweigh that love and make the relationship impossible to maintain. For whatever reason it doesn't happen with affair relationships or else you wouldn't have them.

 

Most people I've come across that have had affairs and become stronger because of it always say WTF was I thinking...that is the fog. You aren't there yet, but you will get there

 

This makes sense to me too. I do sit here and ask myself WTF was I thinking in terms of having the A. I was there before dday. Do you mean feeling that way in terms of my AP? I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that way. Now that the A has been over for a while I do see some things that my rose colored glasses wouldn't allow me to see during the A. I've known him over half my life though and know he isn't a bad guy. All the good things I ever saw in him are still there despite his f'ed up choice to have an A. Guess that's why I don't feel like I'll ever wonder why him or feel like I didn't love him. It's more why did I allow myself to get into an A in the first place. WTF was I thinking there? Hopefully more therapy will help with that.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Lillyp32

[Lillyp32]

We had a dday and it ended by him inducing NC in a cruel way.

I can see now it was a fog clouding my own issues with this illusion of love.

Still hurts like hell every day though

 

How did you get there? I don't know why I can't see the love being an illusion. I really feel like I loved him. Does everyone get to a point where they see the love they felt as not real or are sometimes the feeling actually real? Maybe I'm still in some fog even though I feel like my head is pretty clear.

[malvern99]

I told him if they was what he wanted then get out. He didn't want to go. Then I told him that any contact with her and I would file for divorce. He knew I was serious.

 

This is the type of strong and decisive reaction I was talking about. Most times anything less than this results in fence sitting. The first piece of advise I'd give any new BS is to make sure the affair is dead, and there really only is 2 ways to do that. The first is initiating NC forever immediately, and the second is informing the other betrayed spouse or partner what their significant other has been up to. That's the surest way to kill it because now everybody is in CYA mode.

[Lillyp32]

We had a d-day and the affair ended right then. He blocked her everyway possible. She tried to contact him every few months for over a year. He never saw what she sent and she was blocked from those ways she had found. The affair ended five years ago and he never contacted her again.

 

I told him if they was what he wanted then get out. He didn't want to go. Then I told him that any contact with her and I would file for divorce. He knew I was serious.

 

Good for you putting your foot down! I wish I had done that when my husband had his last A. He broke NC to apologize to his OW and somehow made me feel guilty about wanting a divorce after that. Ugh. I did tell him on dday he was free to leave but he didn't want to go either. It seems they never do. I wish he had left that day.

 

I'm sorry OW attempted to break NC so many times. It seems crazy to me. I get maybe trying once but trying so many times seems pointless. I'm sticking to NC. There is no need to interfere anymore in their lives. I know exMM will stick to it too. If for some reason he doesn't my plan is to delete and block whatever way he found to contact me. I think I'm pretty safe from that though.

[Lillyp32]

This is the type of strong and decisive reaction I was talking about. Most times anything less than this results in fence sitting. The first piece of advise I'd give any new BS is to make sure the affair is dead, and there really only is 2 ways to do that. The first is initiating NC forever immediately, and the second is informing the other betrayed spouse or partner what their significant other has been up to. That's the surest way to kill it because now everybody is in CYA mode.

 

I did this with my husband on dday. He said he wanted the marriage and broke things off with his OW BUT he broke NC to apologize for hurting her. He wasn't actually remorseful though. I'm sure that makes a difference.

[malvern99]

How did you get there? I don't know why I can't see the love being an illusion. I really feel like I loved him. Does everyone get to a point where they see the love they felt as not real or are sometimes the feeling actually real? Maybe I'm still in some fog even though I feel like my head is pretty clear.

 

Now I'm curious. I'm not familiar with your story but let me ask this. During the period you were in the affair, did you get to spend enough time with your AP to get to really know the true him?

 

Maybe you can set me straight here, but I've always considered affairs to be relationships that blossom in a bubble that is disconnected from the real world. The regular ups and down of everyday life don't penetrate that bubble and so the time people spend in that bubble is always problem free. If that's the case, then I think the type of relationship formed there is doomed to be superficial at best because it will never have been tested. It has no real roots. That's just my opinion though.

[malvern99]

I did this with my husband on dday. He said he wanted the marriage and broke things off with his OW BUT he broke NC to apologize for hurting her. He wasn't actually remorseful though. I'm sure that makes a difference.

 

You are right that he wasn't remorseful, and that makes a huge difference. The question though is how did you react to his breaking NC. Did you follow through with the consequences you had laid out? You have to be willing to follow through or else your red lines turn into mere suggestions.

[Lillyp32]

Now I'm curious. I'm not familiar with your story but let me ask this. During the period you were in the affair, did you get to spend enough time with your AP to get to really know the true him?

 

Maybe you can set me straight here, but I've always considered affairs to be relationships that blossom in a bubble that is disconnected from the real world. The regular ups and down of everyday life don't penetrate that bubble and so the time people spend in that bubble is always problem free. If that's the case, then I think the type of relationship formed there is doomed to be superficial at best because it will never have been tested. It has no real roots. That's just my opinion though.

 

Yes I did spend enough time with him to know the real him. There was plenty that drove me insane but so much good in him too. We hung out like real people outside of that affair bubble quite a bit. I've been friends with him since high school. I haven't gone into much detail about how we knew eahothsr or how it all happened since this is a public forum.

[Lillyp32]

You are right that he wasn't remorseful, and that makes a huge difference. The question though is how did you react to his breaking NC. Did you follow through with the consequences you had laid out? You have to be willing to follow through or else your red lines turn into mere suggestions.

 

Nope. My marriage was very emotionally/psychology abussive. My husband is a master manipulator too. I went to file for divorce but he made me somehow feel bad for hurting him by wanting a divorce. I swear that man ruined me. I'm glad I'm done with that relationship.

[heartwhole]

DDay ended my husband's affair, but the OW lives halfway across the world and my husband was only comfortable with lies of omission, so once I knew, he realized that he had to be super positive that he wanted a future with the OW. He thought to himself (and said out loud), "This is crazy, I don't even know her that well." That's not to say that the feelings weren't real; I've never been one to say that. To my mind the "fog" just describes the contrived circumstances of affairs that make us want what we can't have and fuel otherwise untenable relationships with the thrill of secrecy and cake-eating. Waking up from the fog just means realizing that the person you're perfectly happy to have an affair with isn't necessarily somebody you want to start over with out in the open, IMO.

 

My husband's affair was less than 6 months, and he only spent a couple of day with the OW in person, but he still had trouble with letting her go. The dope complained to ME about how hard it was to give her up. Cue a tiny violin. And although he stopped contacting her directly immediately, he spent a few days sending smoke signals via social media until I figured that out. But by the time I discovered it was actually a PA about two weeks after DDay, he was completely out of the fog and congratulating himself on how easy it was to get over the OW.

 

It's been 18 months since then, and I am finally seeing the fruit of his efforts to develop empathy, selflessness, skills for coping with stress and communicating, etc. And I continue to work on choosing forgiveness and moving forward. But good gracious it's not easy. I do think if there's to be any hope of moving forward as healthy people choosing to create a better relationship, then the WH needs to go NC with the OW and keep putting each foot in front of the other. Reconciliation is hard enough without more secrets and lies. Maybe your MM is one of the ones who might actually make it to a healthier place after all of this.

 

In any event, it sounds like you recognize that a solid ending was a good thing for moving forward. Ping-ponging and flip-flopping isn't good for anyone, and rarely results in the MM leaving anyway. Better to have a clean break, I'd imagine.