Tips for communicating with guy who has only been in Short term relationships

[mbee]

I met a guy a couple of months ago who is pretty great. He's my boyfriend and when we are together I feel very happy with where things are going and very happy with him. The thing is my boyfriend is a few years younger than me (I'm 28) and he's only been in very short term relationships (1-2 months). His last relationship lasted 6 months but did not sound very healthy. I don't even think he's ever been in love. He's very experienced sexually, definitely has had way more sex partners than me and he has no issues getting dates with women. He's just never had a real relationship with someone. This causes him a good deal of insecurity and anxiety. He's not proud of this and told me last week that he worries that something is wrong with him that he's incapable of having a long term relationship. Even though we've been together 2 months, that's already way longer than the majority and keep in mind my relationships all lasted over 2 years. Regardless, he wants a long term relationship.

 

I figured this would cause issues at some point and they are starting to pop up now. Also, we will be long distance for about 6 weeks in a month. He's traveling and I'm visiting home again for a month so we will be apart for a bit so I need to figure out a way to handle these things before we leave.

 

We see each other regularly but he never calls and very rarely texts. He's a busy guy so I don't mind the lack of communication but I don't like the fact that he's not checking in at all. I gently and kindly told him that "I would love to hear from him for a bit and chat on the phone." He kinda ignored my request, then said he was too tired and he'd call me another time, but he has not yet. I do initiate with him too, but I'm well aware of his schedule so I keep it balanced so that it's not overbearing. However, the lack of calling does worry me especially since we will need to do that when long distance.

 

He also is not very appreciative verbally. For instance, he invited me to come on a work trip with him (his flight/hotel/food is paid for by his company). I said yes cause I'm happy to spend more time with him before we both are long distance and the flight cost me almost $600. I'm happy to come and have no issues paying for the flight but he never said thanks or how he appreciated it at all.

 

I'm crazy about him so I really want to make things work but I can tell these issues are starting to pop up and with his lack of relationship experience, I'm not sure how patient I need to be about it or a good way of communicating to him a better way of doing things without coming across as nagging? I want to figure this out now cause surely more issues will arise the longer we are together.

[hippychick3]

This is who he is. You either accept it and are okay with it or you're not okay with it and move on. Dating is a time to get to know and observe the other person to see if they are good relationship material. It's not to "change" or "fix" the other person.

 

There's a reason he's not been in any relationships before. Lack of communication and contact is not conducive to developing a relationship.

[fenix]

Your boyfriends sounds exactly like me 20 years ago, I never had a long term relationship till I met my wife (now married with her almost 20 years)... I guess if you are THE ONE, you will be fine.

 

I had also the idea that something was wrong with me and that I could not get invested in any relationship and I kept jumping from one to another relationship... My guess is that I didn't exactly know what I was looking for till I found it... Just go with the flow and hope you are IT!

[mbee]

This is who he is. You either accept it and are okay with it or you're not okay with it and move on. Dating is a time to get to know and observe the other person to see if they are good relationship material. It's not to "change" or "fix" the other person.

 

There's a reason he's not been in any relationships before. Lack of communication and contact is not conducive to developing a relationship.

 

Yes, I 100% agree with you. However, I don't think just because someone has only been in short term that they can't be in a Long term. He realizes that this comes across as a red flag to some women but he's not sure what to do about it cause he lacks the experience.

 

I'm not trying to change/fix him either. He's great as he is! We communicate great about many things, just some issues are starting to pop up. I don't want to break up without making a solid effort and at least communicating to him what I want and allowing him to have a chance. Obviously if things continue badly, I'll have to walk, but I want to give it a chance and given everything is pretty amazing overall, I really couldn't break up with him right now. This post is just because I'm starting to see issues and I realize I need to figure this stuff out before the long distance part arrives.

 

Keep in mind that all my past relationships had their set of issues that could be worked on, this is just different for me, as these are issues I'm used to guys having sorted out by now.

[mbee]

Your boyfriends sounds exactly like me 20 years ago, I never had a long term relationship till I met my wife (now married with her almost 20 years)... I guess if you are THE ONE, you will be fine.

 

I had also the idea that something was wrong with me and that I could not get invested in any relationship and I kept jumping from one to another relationship... My guess is that I didn't exactly know what I was looking for till I found it... Just go with the flow and hope you are IT!

 

I'm so happy you found the right woman for you! That's great to hear. I don't view his lack of experience as a red flag, just something I keep in mind when these seemingly small issues pop up. I'll keep going with the flow, thanks!

[JewelD]

You spent $600 just to hang out with your boyfriend of 2 months? That's ridiculous since he's not actually paying for his own trip, he could have paid for yours or at least split the cost with you. Then again, you agreed to do that so I'm not sure what you're expecting him to do as far as showing gratitude. You're not exactly doing him a favor by going on the trip because you want to be there and you wanted to spend time with him.

 

This sounds like an issue of him not knowing how to treat women or possibly people in general. You don't have to have a ton of long-term relationships to master these basic concepts.

[Miss Peach]

I've been talking to a guy like this recently. I actually rejected FWB with his guy whoch made him pursue me harder. I'm guessing the guy is not emotionally available. Many men who can't maintain any commitment, blows hot/cold, doesn't make an effort to get to know you, etc. possibly is. He might change for you but the more likely scenario is he's going to be just like he was to the other women.

 

There is a certain point where you need to lay out expectations and boundaries and stop making excuses for him. If he's not making you happy, and a simple conversation isn't clearing that up, then you need to either learn to accept him (which means not tolerating it and growing resentful) or letting him go.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It does sound like not being in longer term relationships has deprived him of a learning experience on what is healthy communication in a relationship. It looks like if you stay with him you will need to guide him in this respect. He clearly hasn’t learned that yet but there is definitely potential. Every relationship is potential for new learning and perfecting the concessions we have to make and the compromises that need to happen in order to make both parties satisfied.

 

I would talk to him face-to-face about this, and always come from the “I feel” rather than “you don’t” And I see you are good at that already since you expressed to him that you love it when he calls. Having said this, some people are not phone chat people. They don’t like talking on the phone much, this might be him, in which case he might not change this ever.

 

So express to him that it would mean a lot to you if on those times where you are apart that you texted hello or even called to see how you are doing or how your day was. Tell him that you noticed last time you brought this up he expressed he was too tired, which you totally understand, so what does he feel would be a happy medium for this since for you communication is important. You can also express that if too much time goes by in between with no contact it has you feeling really disconnected.

 

Only after you get to a common agreement on your day-to-day I would introduce how he will envision those weeks that you will be long distance. By asking him that you give him a chance to express his feelings on the situation We women have a tendency to projectile puke up a bunch of things we are unhappy about all at once that can prove to be really overwhelming for guys. We walk away feeling great having gotten things off our chests and ready to be close to them again and they are left feeling like WTF just happened here!?!

[Gaeta]

This has nothing to do with not having long term relationship experience.

 

People don't need experience in reaching for people they enjoy, it comes naturally.

 

My bf does not reach to me because it's the thing to do in a long term relationship. He reaches to me because he wants to hear my voice, because hearing my voice means something to him.

 

Your bf simply did not meet yet a woman that will make him go completely gaga over her. Conclusion: you're not the one.

[mbee]

You spent $600 just to hang out with your boyfriend of 2 months? That's ridiculous since he's not actually paying for his own trip, he could have paid for yours or at least split the cost with you. Then again, you agreed to do that so I'm not sure what you're expecting him to do as far as showing gratitude. You're not exactly doing him a favor by going on the trip because you want to be there and you wanted to spend time with him.

 

This sounds like an issue of him not knowing how to treat women or possibly people in general. You don't have to have a ton of long-term relationships to master these basic concepts.

 

Well the trip is the weekend before we are long distance for 6 weeks. I've never been to the place we are going and always wanted to. He knows I'm a big traveler. I moved halfway across the world and have been to just less than 30 countries. Spending $600 to have a fun weekend with my boyfriend before being long distance fits more with my personality. It may be strange to some people, but not to me or other friends that I have who are similar.

 

I agree that I've noticed he has done a few odd things communication-wise with his friends, but he also realizes after the fact, so it's not just in relationships.

[mbee]

I've been talking to a guy like this recently. I actually rejected FWB with his guy whoch made him pursue me harder. I'm guessing the guy is not emotionally available. Many men who can't maintain any commitment, blows hot/cold, doesn't make an effort to get to know you, etc. possibly is. He might change for you but the more likely scenario is he's going to be just like he was to the other women.

 

There is a certain point where you need to lay out expectations and boundaries and stop making excuses for him. If he's not making you happy, and a simple conversation isn't clearing that up, then you need to either learn to accept him (which means not tolerating it and growing resentful) or letting him go.

 

Thanks for your comment. Actually he does not fit any of the above. He has never been hot/cold at al. He invites me out just as much as I invite him out. We are even having a romantic weekend away because it was his idea. He asked me to be his girlfriend after a month of dating. I've met all his friends, he's met mine. Every time we get together, if he's feeling tired, he asks me to stay over and we chat for hours, then go to sleep. I'd say he's very emotionally available and trust me, I've dated a guy like you mentioned before and other emotionally unavailable guys. With him it's clear he's available. The issues I've pointed out are the only ones we've had so far, and yes I agree that I need to lay out expectations.

[mbee]

This has nothing to do with not having long term relationship experience.

 

People don't need experience in reaching for people they enjoy, it comes naturally.

 

My bf does not reach to me because it's the thing to do in a long term relationship. He reaches to me because he wants to hear my voice, because hearing my voice means something to him.

 

Your bf simply did not meet yet a woman that will make him go completely gaga over her. Conclusion: you're not the one.

 

Thanks Gaeta and I agree that this is how it works for some people, but not everyone. We've been together for 2 months, I don't know if he's the one yet either and I don't expect to.

 

Maybe my question misconstrued the situation but the calling thing and the unappreciative VERBALLY is the only issue so far. I feel like he's crazy about me. I have no insecurities about if he likes me or wants to be with me. If I did, then I'd agree with you about his feelings not being present. I tend to be pessimistic about new relationships due to being burned so if I feel this optimistic, he must be doing something right to make me feel secure.

 

My concern is I want to be with him, I know he wants to be with me and we are going to be long distance (I'm talking two different continents) and I'm worried that if we don't get into a regular habit of chatting, that it will be very tough when we are long distance. If the long distance wasn't happening, I'd feel this was a nonissue because believe it or not, we are similar in terms of needing space, independence, and checking in with each other every other day. I'm more just thinking ahead because I don't want our relationship to have issues over the long distance and chatting on the phone will be necessary then.

[mbee]

It does sound like not being in longer term relationships has deprived him of a learning experience on what is healthy communication in a relationship. It looks like if you stay with him you will need to guide him in this respect. He clearly hasn’t learned that yet but there is definitely potential. Every relationship is potential for new learning and perfecting the concessions we have to make and the compromises that need to happen in order to make both parties satisfied.

 

I would talk to him face-to-face about this, and always come from the “I feel” rather than “you don’t” And I see you are good at that already since you expressed to him that you love it when he calls. Having said this, some people are not phone chat people. They don’t like talking on the phone much, this might be him, in which case he might not change this ever.

oes by in between with no contact it has you feeling really disconnected.

 

Only after you get to a common agreement on your day-to-day I would introduce how he will envision those weeks that you will be long distance.

 

I LOVE your reply. Thanks for this and you are right about every relationship having potential for learning. I know I've made mistakes, particularly in communicating and vomiting of all the things I disliked in prior relationships and only through those relationships did I figure out a better way to communicate. Thanks again for this. We will be spending this weekend together, so surely there will be an opportunity to talk about it. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, his communication doesn't bother me right now, being in the same city, living so close to each other. I just keep thinking about the 6 weeks we will be apart which will happen at the very end of this month. Ultimately I'm very happy with the amount we talk right now, I just know it will not be enough for long distance and texting will not substitute for phone calls.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Glad to be of help. Great opportunity to teach him a thing or two about what your needs are and hear his.

 

All the best, you guys sound really good together

[JewelD]

Well the trip is the weekend before we are long distance for 6 weeks. I've never been to the place we are going and always wanted to. He knows I'm a big traveler. I moved halfway across the world and have been to just less than 30 countries. Spending $600 to have a fun weekend with my boyfriend before being long distance fits more with my personality. It may be strange to some people, but not to me or other friends that I have who are similar.

 

I agree that I've noticed he has done a few odd things communication-wise with his friends, but he also realizes after the fact, so it's not just in relationships.

 

That's a total cop out, though. I like spending money, but that doesn't mean it would be a wise choice to constantly pay a man's bills, or buy him a 1,000 watch for his birthday when it's not being reciprocated.

 

You make a lot of excuses for this guy but you wouldn't have posted if everything was peachy keen.

 

You want to justify the $600 trip because you're about to be long distance. Okay, but you're BOTH entering long distance. So if he wants to make sure he sees you, why wouldn't he offer to help foot the cost? Especially since he's spending $0 on the trip for himself. That would be a sign that he wants to see you as much as you want to see him.

 

If spending that type of money on a guy like this was in your personality, you wouldn't have cared whether he said thank you and you would not have brought it up as an example. Obv it's a big deal to you, but is it a big deal to him?

 

and if he's doing similar odd things with his friends, then what does his lack of long term relationships have to do with it? Like Hippiechick said, this is just who he is and how he chooses to treat you as a gf. I think Gaeta has a good point about you probably not being 'the one' for him.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The lack of long term relationships means the guy likely hasn't learned to compromise and hasn't had much female schooling in terms of what women like.

 

Some guys learn how to be in rels from past girlfriends.

 

What does her spending money to go on a work trip with him have to do with anything!? If she has the money why not? She gets a vacation out of it while he works. At 2 months why should he pay? Sheesh!

[Gaeta]

Thanks Gaeta and I agree that this is how it works for some people, but not everyone. We've been together for 2 months, I don't know if he's the one yet either and I don't expect to.

 

Maybe my question misconstrued the situation but the calling thing and the unappreciative VERBALLY is the only issue so far. I feel like he's crazy about me. I have no insecurities about if he likes me or wants to be with me. If I did, then I'd agree with you about his feelings not being present. I tend to be pessimistic about new relationships due to being burned so if I feel this optimistic, he must be doing something right to make me feel secure.

 

My concern is I want to be with him, I know he wants to be with me and we are going to be long distance (I'm talking two different continents) and I'm worried that if we don't get into a regular habit of chatting, that it will be very tough when we are long distance. If the long distance wasn't happening, I'd feel this was a nonissue because believe it or not, we are similar in terms of needing space, independence, and checking in with each other every other day. I'm more just thinking ahead because I don't want our relationship to have issues over the long distance and chatting on the phone will be necessary then.

 

When I used the expression 'the one' I was using it at large. Example you know he is the one you want to spend all of your time and attention on.

 

Your guy suffers from a case of 'out of sight out of mind' that's why you don't hear from him. That 'out of sight our of mind' often goes hand in hand with 'miss right now' instead of 'miss right'.

 

So you're about to be on different continents and you are afraid he won't be communicative. If he cares about your relationship as you think he is, do you think you won't hear from him for 6 weeks?

 

If in deed he does not communicate with you and your relationship slowly dies does that show he values your relationship?

 

If he does not value enough your relationship isn't it better to know right away instead of forcing him to communicate with you?

 

Instead of controlling him into communicating with you why don't you let him show you what he is made of and let him go and observe how he handles things? Wouldn't you want to know what he's got in his gut?

[mbee]

That's a total cop out, though. I like spending money, but that doesn't mean it would be a wise choice to constantly pay a man's bills, or buy him a 1,000 watch for his birthday when it's not being reciprocated.

 

You make a lot of excuses for this guy but you wouldn't have posted if everything was peachy keen.

 

You want to justify the $600 trip because you're about to be long distance. Okay, but you're BOTH entering long distance. So if he wants to make sure he sees you, why wouldn't he offer to help foot the cost? Especially since he's spending $0 on the trip for himself. That would be a sign that he wants to see you as much as you want to see him.

 

If spending that type of money on a guy like this was in your personality, you wouldn't have cared whether he said thank you and you would not have brought it up as an example. Obv it's a big deal to you, but is it a big deal to him?

 

and if he's doing similar odd things with his friends, then what does his lack of long term relationships have to do with it? Like Hippiechick said, this is just who he is and how he chooses to treat you as a gf. I think Gaeta has a good point about you probably not being 'the one' for him.

 

I think we can agree to disagree. We clearly have different values and perspectives on travel. I've moved halfway across the world from my family and longtime friends to a country where I knew absolutely nobody. I travel internationally at least once a year. With my last ex-boyfriend, I went with him and traveled Central America after 8 months together.

 

To me a guy who is not willing to invite me along on a trip would convey a lot of incompatibility as traveling and experiencing the world is part of who I am so if anything, it was attractive that he asked me. He knows how much I want to go to this location, so worse case it'll be fun just visiting a city I've always wanted to go to. And yes, he shouldn't have to pay for anything. He invited me, I agreed. There's a lot of things I DO that I expect my friends and partner to thank me for. I plan events (that's my personality) and I expect/appreciate my friends to at least say thanks for inviting them.

 

I appreciate your advice but I do disagree with what you are saying, and I get it, we just have different values relating to travel and I don't date guys ever expecting them to pay for me. Of course they should cover their half though.

[mbee]

When I used the expression 'the one' I was using it at large. Example you know he is the one you want to spend all of your time and attention on.

 

Your guy suffers from a case of 'out of sight out of mind' that's why you don't hear from him. That 'out of sight our of mind' often goes hand in hand with 'miss right now' instead of 'miss right'.

 

So you're about to be on different continents and you are afraid he won't be communicative. If he cares about your relationship as you think he is, do you think you won't hear from him for 6 weeks?

 

If in deed he does not communicate with you and your relationship slowly dies does that show he values your relationship?

 

If he does not value enough your relationship isn't it better to know right away instead of forcing him to communicate with you?

 

Instead of controlling him into communicating with you why don't you let him show you what he is made of and let him go and observe how he handles things? Wouldn't you want to know what he's got in his gut?

 

Great advice Gaeta! I don't think he's out of sight out of mind though. I went away on a holiday for a week after we dated for a month. I hadn't heard from him much that week. When I came back, he said he missed me a ton and he was really sick but still made time to be with me. He mentioned that he didn't know how to act while I was away and he was worried that I'd want my space. He also told me last week that he normally texts girls he's dated everyday but hasn't with me cause he knows I'm the type who likes space and he wants to respect that. He said I'm the first girl he's ever done that with. So it is possible he misses me and is thinking of me, but doesn't want to muck things up by coming on too strongly.

 

Anyway I think that's fair. I do believe in open communication so I'm trying to gently share with him that I do like calling and stuff, since I know early on in dating I came across as "I don't like to text much." But you are also right that if he does have strong feelings for me, he won't let things die off while we are away. And yes, you are right, it would be in my favor for that to reveal itself while I'm away than trying to force him to do things my way.

 

Anyway I'll take this advice but also sunkissedpatios about being open about what I want in a gentle way and giving him the opportunity to step up. Cause you are right, that if he really misses me and wants to be with me, he'll put that effort in.

[Gaeta]

He mentioned that he didn't know how to act while I was away and he was worried that I'd want my space. He also told me last week that he normally texts girls he's dated everyday but hasn't with me cause he knows I'm the type who likes space and he wants to respect that. .

 

Well, then mention to him that yes you enjoy your space but it doesn't mean you don't want to hear from him. Maybe you should set the pace by example and he'll catch on.

[JewelD]

The lack of long term relationships means the guy likely hasn't learned to compromise and hasn't had much female schooling in terms of what women like.

 

Some guys learn how to be in rels from past girlfriends.

 

What does her spending money to go on a work trip with him have to do with anything!? If she has the money why not? She gets a vacation out of it while he works. At 2 months why should he pay? Sheesh!

 

Oh lort, please gather yourself. There's simply way too many women making excuses for men by saying that they simply don't know how to treat a woman or they haven't been in too many relationships or they just got out of a terrible relationship, blah blah blah. When the truth of the matter is, there's nothing wrong with him, he just doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated because he doesn't WANT TO.

 

Did you learn how to say thank you by being in a bunch of long-term relationships? No, that's why I'm saying his lack of long-term relationships is irrelevant to the point.

 

She can spend her money on whatever she wants but I personally wouldn't be spending that much money on somebody who couldn't even say thank you. Especially if it bothered me, and it clearly bothers OP since she's the one who brought it up.

 

There's a lot of women who do things like that because they feel like they have to. If she didn't pay for it, he probably wasn't going to pay for it either, given the details she's told us about him as a person. Then when the relationship doesn't work out they feel some type of way because they put so much into the relationship.

 

But good luck trying to figure out how to get him to do what you want, OP.

[hippychick3]

The most wonderful feeling is to be loved and wanted without any kind of prodding, reminders, or convincing. If you have to do any of those things for him to contact you, it will have lost its meaning.

 

Just observe without direction from you. It's the only way to truly know how he feels about you. Stop trying to control the outcome.

[Gaeta]

We see each other regularly

 

How often do you see each other?

 

When you see each other do you go out on dates or just stay home?

 

How much younger is he?

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think we can agree to disagree. We clearly have different values and perspectives on travel. I've moved halfway across the world from my family and longtime friends to a country where I knew absolutely nobody. I travel internationally at least once a year. With my last ex-boyfriend, I went with him and traveled Central America after 8 months together.

 

To me a guy who is not willing to invite me along on a trip would convey a lot of incompatibility as traveling and experiencing the world is part of who I am so if anything, it was attractive that he asked me. He knows how much I want to go to this location, so worse case it'll be fun just visiting a city I've always wanted to go to. And yes, he shouldn't have to pay for anything. He invited me, I agreed. There's a lot of things I DO that I expect my friends and partner to thank me for. I plan events (that's my personality) and I expect/appreciate my friends to at least say thanks for inviting them.

 

I appreciate your advice but I do disagree with what you are saying, and I get it, we just have different values relating to travel and I don't date guys ever expecting them to pay for me. Of course they should cover their half though.

 

Love, love LOVE your adventurous spirit! And the fact you love to travel and what better way to see the world than as you are doing it.

 

Have that chat with him. Some guys can be totally clueless as to what we want and need to be happy, often they beg women to express to them what we need to make us happy in a relationship and women make the mistake of staying quiet hoping they read our minds. That's not fair to either. You're on the right path. Ask and you shall receive. Otherwise it sounds like you have a pretty great relationship so far.

 

I agree with you, it's experience.

Edited November 4, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[mbee]

How often do you see each other?

 

When you see each other do you go out on dates or just stay home?

 

How much younger is he?

 

We see each other several times a week (always the weekend). We always go on dates. we are spending this weekend together Saturday and Sunday, hiking in the mountains 3 hours away and staying in a hotel. Last few dates was escape rooms, seeing halloween movies at the theater and seeing a play.

 

We've only had a stay at home date once and it was cause I invited him over to play board games and have dinner with me on a weeknight. We are both busy during the week, so prefer to see each other weekends although we sometimes plan group friend events during the weeknight so we can hang out together and with our respective group of friends.

 

He's 4 years younger than me, so I'm 28 and he's 24.

Edited November 4, 2016 by mbee