Wife's emotional affair discovered, slipping now?

[BikeInCola]

Hi All - my first post, and I have to say it's a bit depressing to see all these posts! But hopefully someone with more experience in this can provide some insight.

 

I will try to be brief, because I could easily turn this into a long rant (couldn't we all?!), but here's the backstory:

 

About 3 months ago, I discovered some emails from my wife, to one of her ex-boyfriends. He had sent her explicit pics, and while I found pics of her on our computer (that she took with her iphone), they were never sent (I work in IT and she is technologically ignorant, so I am very sure of this), which she later verified (without me asking).

 

What had been going on, for about 2 years, was an emotional relationship via texting (and sexting, on his part, but not reciprocated - she doesn't like that kind of thing, doesn't do anything for her, etc). Actually the pics would be the least of my concerns...I honestly think a meaningless sexual fling or sexting would be better than finding out your wife loves someone else.

 

I found a couple of texts that she had sent, calling him "baby" and appreciating his listening to her (via text). The snippet I saw (she had for some reason saved the screen shot of the text, forwarded it to her email) He had written "if it weren't for the kids..." and she answered, "I know baby, but thanks for listening" or something to that effect.

 

We've been married 14 years, 3 kids. Her ex is married and also has kids. Lives several states away from here.

 

When confronted, she admitted that she has feelings for him, and probably fell back in love with him. Apologized repeatedly. Our marriage had been steadily going downhill, and we were basically roommates for the past 7 years or so (I know, shameful), so she was looking for love/affection/emotional support elsewhere.

 

We read a couple of books together, she swore to break it off completely (sent him a message doing so), and as mild as this may seem to many of the stories here (and some I have heard from a friend who went through MUCH worse), this completely crushed me when I found out. I went through some very weird mental changes, basically freaked out. Died hair blonde, got a tattoo, I really felt like a different person.

 

The good news is we both really talked it through, and realized we both still loved each other and wanted to make this work. Since that day, our relationship has seemed to be like a honeymoon, almost perfect, with very honest talks that we had not had in years, etc.

 

Plopping down in front of computer today, I just happen to look in the history tab for something I had searched before and saw some of the entries. She had searched for his name, on Facebook, his wife's name, on Facebook, and even the school where his kids go. Note that I had asked her to defriend him on FB when found out. At one point during the days of 'redemption' after the affair was discovered, she admitted she was screwed up, and a little obsessed for some reason, because she was so desperate for attention. She admitted looking up his kids' school (why?!), looking at his parent's beach house on Google maps, weird stuff.

 

I really have no idea if this is a big deal or not. More than one of the books we read, one specifically "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass (EXCELLENT, BTW), said to expect that especially in cases where a spouse has actually fallen in love with someone else, you can't expect to just turn a switch, or yell, or have this come out, and it stops. There is a deep connection there (for ill or good) that will have to slowly diminish over time. After all, you can't force or even ask someone to stop loving someone else.

 

We both talked about this very point, and I even asked if she could tell me if she found herself really thinking about him a lot (doubtful she would, but I wanted to make sure I was available completely).

 

Anyone have some objective thoughts here?

 

In some ways, I ALMOST want to not let her know that I saw this, in case there is more to come. If I tell her now, she will likely know how I found out, and if she wants to persist, will find some other method I guess, that won't be so obvious. hat sounds screwed up, but I don't want to play the fool again here, and things are so good right now, I don't want that to end if this is just one of those random "checking up on him" things that will eventually go away.

 

Any opinions much appreciated!

Edited November 3, 2016 by BikeInCola

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you?

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[mikeylo]

She is already playing you for a fool. She is still continuing and will continue till either she want to stop or the other guy wants to stop or you put a stop.

 

Only one of these is under your control ( kind of )

[Midwestmissy]

I hope you told the guy's wife. Your wife needs to have no contact. It's not love, it's a habit and infatuation. 2 years? Then why aren't they together?

[Mr. Lucky]

I really have no idea if this is a big deal or not. More than one of the books we read, one specifically "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass (EXCELLENT, BTW), said to expect that especially in cases where a spouse has actually fallen in love with someone else, you can't expect to just turn a switch, or yell, or have this come out, and it stops. There is a deep connection there (for ill or good) that will have to slowly diminish over time. After all, you can't force or even ask someone to stop loving someone else.

 

As long as we're talking about feelings, agree with the above. But you can expect someone to stop acts disrespectful to you and damaging to your relationship.

 

There has to be boundaries to recover from an EA or PA, and she's clearly crossed them. Others may differ, I'd confront before this gets to the point where you find her sitting outside his house.

 

Might be time for counseling if your marriage is to survive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

While agree that you can't force someone to turn their feelings off and on, that is not the problem you are facing.

 

What you are facing is that your wife has zero interest in stopping herself, as you are basically giving her tacit permission to do as she pleases.She has already shown you she has poor boundaries, and that continues to be a problem for her.

 

as well,if she is ale to be sweet, charming and contrite to your face but do this type snooping into her om's life behind your back, that is a really bad sign. To be frank, I don't think you can trust her.

[BikeInCola]

I hope you told the guy's wife. Your wife needs to have no contact. It's not love, it's a habit and infatuation. 2 years? Then why aren't they together?

Just to clarify, this was a FB search...meaning he is not a friend anymore on FB (otherwise she would not need to do that, and I have seen her feed), and this does not indicate contact, but as you mentioned, it could be infatuation.

 

I firmly believe there has not been direct contact since The Talk. I think this is more curiosity about how's he's doing, if he told his wife and they broke, up, etc. But even that is enough to cause me pain and I think I will bring it up.

 

Agree also that it's disrespectful of the "event" and everything that followed to try to repair from that, not to mention our pledge of transparency.

[Doorstopper]

 

About 3 months ago, I discovered some emails from my wife, to one of her ex-boyfriends. He had sent her explicit pics, and while I found pics of her on our computer (that she took with her iphone), they were never sent (I work in IT and she is technologically ignorant, so I am very sure of this), which she later verified (without me asking).

 

Any opinions much appreciated!

 

I'm at Dday + 1 year from my wife's 10 month emotional affair.

 

Here's what I think:

 

If you found nude pictures and they weren't sent to you, they likely went to your wife's affair partner (AP).

 

And as far as sexting, she probably did participate. I know you think its impossible, that she's not capable of it. My wife is so sexually conservative, I've called her a Puritain at times, yet somehow she did these things.

 

I've been married 25 years and the first nude picture my wife ever texted me, was also sent to her AP. We have never really sexted (doesn't do anything for her ... sound familiar?), yet somehow she sexted, almost weekly for 10 months with her AP.

 

You see, an affair is not real life, its a fantasy. Like a real life Romance novel. So things that you would think are impossible, happen. Because its an Emotional Affair (EA) and the chances of meeting are slim to none, it becomes even more of a fantasy.

 

Methods of communication that I never thought of, which you might want to look into. Chat rooms in Games (Dice with Buddies was a secret partner in my wife's affair, If she didn't tell me about it, I never would have thought), text aps (google has a way to see every app ever downloaded onto a phone, I found my wife tried a lot of texting apps, not sure if the iPhone has a similar feature.). And my wife is completely technologically naive, yet she still figured out how to lock her facebook as tight as a drum and try texting apps.

 

You should confront her, about the searches, and you should also have her block him and any relatives, from facebook. This will prevent her from checking up on him. And as mentioned above start MC.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Doorstopper

[Ws2016]

Coming to you from your wife's side. I am the WS and hope to give you some insight. My affair was a very short emotional affair and a one time physical.

 

I fully admit after I came clean and the affair was over I looked up the OM wife on FB. Not because there were feelings there but because I was sitting here going through hell and this poor woman has no idea what he did. My BS has decided he does not want to confront either one so I am letting him make that decision. But the going on FB was me curious if she found out, if he was going through what I was going through. I was mad, upset and curious. Nothing more, nothing less. I have not done that in months because I am over it but I would actually confront her and ask her why she did that. If she still has feeling and thinking of starting things up again, you want to know! But if she did it for closure, then you won't have to sit and wonder and THAT will put a wall up between you two.

 

I think she is still thinking about him for sure and she is looking him up because if that but is it because she just curious or is it because she is thinking of contacting him? For me, I had no intention of contacting him and it was hard to see them on FB but it also showed me that this was the right decision for me to end things ya know? She is working through a lot too but I do think you both need to talk about it. Also, I hope she is I therapy?? You?? You can't get through something like this without help. I applaud your willingness to help her through this and with that love I believe she will come out of the feelings for him but you NEED to confront her and find out her motives

Edited November 3, 2016 by Ws2016

[Bee4Shine]

Can I first say how deeply I respect you for fighting for your marriage, for working on yourself, by beginning the healing process with your wife and for giving her grace. You are a true man and will be blessed for your actions.

 

Continue the process of healing. Don't try to hide from her or trap her - you have started on a new path of transparency and it is paying off in your relationship. If you feel like she may be just processing what she is going through, let it go. If you feel that these things she is searching may indicate that there is another issue, confront her gently like you have been doing. Let the process continue. So often when we confront these things in our life, there are slips, there are times where in the midst of our processing it may look that we have slipped, but it is just a part of the processing. Give her the benefit of the doubt at the same time help her to be accountable. Sounds like a oxymoron but it is what marriage is.

 

Another tip that has worked wonders in my marriage is the 5 love languages. You can take a test there and find out how you and your wife receive love. My husband is time, and I am affirmation. He so appreciates it when I make time for him, he feels loved.

 

Keep fighting the fight sir. You are a good man!

[Try]

Just to clarify, this was a FB search...meaning he is not a friend anymore on FB (otherwise she would not need to do that, and I have seen her feed), and this does not indicate contact, but as you mentioned, it could be infatuation.

 

I firmly believe there has not been direct contact since The Talk. I think this is more curiosity about how's he's doing, if he told his wife and they broke, up, etc. But even that is enough to cause me pain and I think I will bring it up.

 

Agree also that it's disrespectful of the "event" and everything that followed to try to repair from that, not to mention our pledge of transparency.

I noticed that in answering Midwestmissy's post, you dodged addressing her statement that "I hope you told the guy's wife". This tell me that you did not tell the other man's wife (OMW) about the emotional affair ("EA"). If you read other threads in the infidelity section you will see that if your goal is to stay in this marriage, you need to tell the OMW ASAP. The fact is that the odds are high that she will relapse. Having the OMW watching over things will decrease the odds that this will occur. Besides, tell her because she has a right to know, and if you do not tell the OMW, from her point of view, you would be part of the affair cover up.

[spanz1]

I think it is good you nipped this in the bud. Or did you? Just because she said it was only an EA, does not mean it did not get physical. I would not necessarily trust her word now. I would snoop around, check her emails, phone, etc, maybe even listen to a VAR planted in her car/office. I would DEF be looking for the relationship to improve drastically, since you said it was sliding for 7 years. If no improvement...then she was just gaslighting you when she said she still loved you.

[BikeInCola]

I have not told the wife of the ex BF, per the recommendation of the book I read. Can't remember the reasons she gave.

 

Re: marriage counseling, also mentioned that in some cases marriage counselors can make things worse with poor advice not backed up by data (suggesting instead individual counseling)

 

I'm so glad the person above (strayed spouse?) chimed in, that perspective is pretty much what I suspect here, curiosity, not wanting to re-establish anything. I'm also fully aware of the rose colored glasses potential here, but I'm enough of a cynic that I'm not that worried.

 

Our relationship has been fantastic since The Talk, and neither of us want to go back to where we were before that. All that to say I don't think she would jeopardize what we found again by actual contact, which I specified during The Talk , would be a deal breaker for me (if it happened in future), and she agreed to that

[DKT3]

I second the idea that it's been physical. Two years is a very long time in terms of an affair, the odds are slim it never got physical.

 

I would suggest you do some digging or a fact finding mission before you get too deep and have the rug pulled from under you.

 

The biggest mistake we as BS make is assuming our WS has our best interest at heart. They usually don't, it's self preservation at the core of thier actions. VAR, scan for more emails, visit you mobile provider to get old texts, ask for a polygraph (really effective since it will force out more information in this attempt to control the situation). Jumping into this too soon creates a great opportunity for you to be hurt more deeply.

[Lion Heart]

That's a really WEIRD recommendation NOT telling the APs spouse.

 

What's that all about??

 

Here's the difference between THEORY and those out there hard at work "in the field" lol. Huge disparity right there.

 

People can throw out as many percentages from their research as they care to. It does not mean in so many cases that it's the RIGHT information for you.

 

I'd most DEFINITELY tell the AP that I know about the A. Then give them x amount of time to tell their betrayed spouse. Or not.

 

The Thread by Peaks and Valleys was AWESOME.

She took 3 weeks to gather everything she could and EXPLODED the affair to everybody. Reorganized the business so the 2 APs got nothing sighhhh.

Woman after my own heart lol.

 

THE BEST THING that comes from telling BOTH betrayed spouses is that THIS VERY ACTION (exposure) gives the wayward couple "so in love" with their fantasy, the OPPORTUNITY to run off together into the sunset.

 

Realize their "mistake" ooops.

 

Come crawling back.

 

By this time though the BSs can get just about anything they figure on.

 

I ALWAYS kicked the WH to the curb. Told the OW to expect him but they didn't go ANYWHERE near the OWs. In fact hated them.

 

Whatever happens by exposure, it happens FAST and that's what's needed.

 

Bike what IS your deal breaker?

 

WW has now been snooping about OMs family and that shows she's still obsessed or at least preoccupied enough to RISK you as an IT guy finding out.

 

IF there's to be HONESTY and TRANSPARENCY moving forward then neither of you are being that way with this last event (at least).

You're both living in denial.

 

That's ok. It's your M.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" Kinda thing.

 

Good luck.

 

Lion Heart

[Jersey born raised]

The first thing every BS mystery do to stay sane, divorcing or reconciling, is to learn to live aware, then prepared, and finally to communicate effectively with their spouse.

 

At this point you seem to develop a handle on the issues but your wife is clueless on how to heal the wound of adultery.

 

Sometimes any decision is better than the worst choice.

 

At this point the only thing you know for sure is your wife is capable of EAs which must likely lead to a PA. Not much to base a marriage on. I am NOT telling you to divorce. At this point just the opposite. I am telling you both you and your wife are addressing the adultery.

 

Read shattered lady response to HCBM here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/582825-my-story-long-painful-updated-2016-10-04-a-31.html#post7107011. Unless your wife can "feel" the pain expressed by her when see looks at you the marriage will never be what it could be and should be.

[Jersey born raised]

To clarify I meant NOT addressing.

[drifter777]

I honestly think a meaningless sexual fling or sexting would be better than finding out your wife loves someone else.

 

Until this happens - and it already may have - you shouldn't speculate on this. For many men there is no worse pain in the world than finding out their wife had sex with another man. She shared something that she promised to only share with you and the "special" relationship you had sexually is forever tainted.

 

In some ways, I ALMOST want to not let her know that I saw this, in case there is more to come. If I tell her now, she will likely know how I found out, and if she wants to persist, will find some other method I guess, that won't be so obvious. hat sounds screwed up, but I don't want to play the fool again here, and things are so good right now, I don't want that to end if this is just one of those random "checking up on him" things that will eventually go away.

 

Any opinions much appreciated!

 

The bottom line here is that you don't trust your wife - and for good reason. Unless you are ready to divorce, and it doesn't sound like you are, you will need to check up on her phone & computer use as well as verify her whereabouts from time to time. This is a "gift" she gave to you with her emotional cheating and you have to pay a price.

 

She can rebuild this trust or destroy it over time. How much time is your call. I would urge you to check out the book "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janice Spring. It's the best book on forgiveness that I've found.

Edited November 4, 2016 by drifter777