I want a girlfriend, but I don't know where to start or .

[eliturbo]

This post is like a side post of this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/600554-first-breakup-what-now#post7107695

There you can read my current situation, but I'll add a short description here as well.

 

So I'm a 16 year old guy. A little over a month ago my first girlfriend broke up with me. For reasons, check post above.

Before I met her I felt really desperate when it comes to this kind of stuff. I thought that I was late. I thought it wasn't really normal that I never had a girlfriend before the age of 16 and basically blamed myself for that.

I am shy. I have an average amount of friends I'd say and at school I'm not popular nor unpopular. I don't think I'm very confident however. I play the piano for example, but whenever I try to compose my own songs, I always just say to myself it's bad. Whenever others listen to it they tell me it's great. Other than that, I like to play games, watch anime or other films/series and that's about it when it comes to me.

 

Before I have liked some girls. A couple of years ago we had a girl who would ofter sit at our table during lunchbreak. Me and a friend of mine became good friends with her. I found that I liked her a lot but I was too afraid. IF she even liked any of us, she seemed to be more into my friend than me. I never told her anything. I was just afraid to say it and I had no idea what to do. Just saying I liked her would just suck right? I honestly don't know.

 

Other girls I liked I never talked to a lot which is also pretty painful.

I became desperate. I thought I probably wasn't of any interest to girls. I mean, I'm not good looking I think. I'm shy, pretty insecure and I'm the type of guy that likes to play games and watch anime. Probably one of the least favourite category. I'm smart and have good humour, but there's no one who even would notice me.

Then my ex came into my life and in a magical way she became my first girlfriend. I have no idea how it happened, but it did. But to no surprise it didn't last longer than a month. I was so incredibly happy. I genuinely loved her in the deepest of my heart, but yeah, that happened and now I'm left with this emptiness.

 

In that post I wrote how I am trying to give up on the whole "I want a girlfriend" thing, but it's not easy. My ex basically introduced me to a world I never saw before, and now that feeling of wanting that is even more than it already was. I wrote I'd wait for a couple of years, but that's not gonna solve anything, is it?

I notice I have no idea about anything when it comes to dating and love and relationships and that kind of stuff. My friends, who are less experienced than me (read: non of them had a girlfriend before), seem to know so much more than me. I just don't seem to understand it.

At the moment there isn't someone I like. I don't hang around with many girls so the chances of meeting someone I like are slim. I am not going to force myself in that respect. I understand that when it comes to that I can't do much more than just live my life and wait until someone catches my eye. I guess I could do more stuff to meet people but I don't have any idea what or how.

But what should I do when it happens? Often the people I like I don't even speak with. I am too shy to approach them and just start a conversation. I think it's weird. If a random girl would just start a random conversation with me I'd just feel awkward and be like "What do you want from me? Are you trying to make fun of me or are you serious?". I wouldn't say that out loud of course, but that's what I would think. Isn't it weird to just start talking to a random person? I just don't think i'd be able to do it.

 

I have had it twice now where I do sort of get in contact with a girl I liked. One of which is my ex, and the other is the one I wrote about earlier. With both I had the problem that I had no idea what to do. I started to really like them, but that only was pure torture. I had no idea whether that would be mutual or not. I had no reason to suspect it was with the girl of earlier. We had fun together and laughed a lot, but I had no idea. Once I was very close to just saying how I felt, but I didn't. I was afraid like I wrote earlier. For some reason I thought it'd be better to torture myself with the thought that she didn't like me and just become desperate with the whole situation. Now I gave up on it and that also includes just my friendship with her.

With my ex, she seemed to know and she was hinting me to just say it. She thought I had to cross that line myself but she helped. Eventually I noticed the hints and I just told her how I felt via text.

 

When I meet a girl I like, what do I do? How long should I keep myself from acting on it? And when I decide to do something, what do I do? Tell them straight up? I don't know what I can expect from that and how to move on from that.

 

After all of that there is a second thing. I just came out of a relationship of a month. I felt terrible, but I feel like it's getting better. I am trying to be happy without my ex and that is going okay. I just don't know where to go from here.

I do have the question: Should I even do something?

I'm 16. That says enough I think. But that still leaves me with this feeling. I'm just desperate. How long should I wait before looking into this again? When I'm 18? 21? 28? When I go to university? So yeah, that was the second question.

 

Thank you in advance for the help! If there is anything else I come up with I will add it below in an EDIT.

[Toodaloo]

You are 16 so you are way better off worrying about your grades in school than girls.

 

Truth is this. You will have times when you are single. You will have times when you are in a relationship. You will have times when you are single and want a relationship. You will have times when you are in a relationship and just really just want to be single!!!

 

Attractive Qualities

Confidence

Self Aware

Inner strength

Fun

Outgoing

Emotionally stable

Clear Boundaries

Inteligence

Thoughtfulness

 

Unattractive Qualities

Neediness

Nervousness

Desperation

Anger

Bitterness

Stupidity

Selfishness

 

Learn about all the attractive qualities and practice them until they become part of who you are. Mould yourself into the guy you want to be.

 

Be aware of the unattractive qualities and if you find yourself behaving in that way stop and take stock. Discover ways of avoiding it.

 

Another tip. Always surround yourself with good people. Always be the person you aspire to be. Remember that the person is far more important than the relationship...

 

Good luck and go hit those books...

[fenix]

I can tell you that you overshare about your emotions and have admittedly issues asking girls out... those two are serious issues.

 

You should keep your own stuff for yourself, when you meet girls, just be funny and try to look confident and most importantly make sure you are ok asking girls out... a rejection is hard to swallow but is part of the game and if you want to win you need to participate!!

Edited November 3, 2016 by fenix

[eliturbo]

You are 16 so you are way better off worrying about your grades in school than girls.

 

Truth is this. You will have times when you are single. You will have times when you are in a relationship. You will have times when you are single and want a relationship. You will have times when you are in a relationship and just really just want to be single!!!

 

Attractive Qualities

Confidence

Self Aware

Inner strength

Fun

Outgoing

Emotionally stable

Clear Boundaries

Inteligence

Thoughtfulness

 

Unattractive Qualities

Neediness

Nervousness

Desperation

Anger

Bitterness

Stupidity

Selfishness

 

Learn about all the attractive qualities and practice them until they become part of who you are. Mould yourself into the guy you want to be.

 

Be aware of the unattractive qualities and if you find yourself behaving in that way stop and take stock. Discover ways of avoiding it.

 

Another tip. Always surround yourself with good people. Always be the person you aspire to be. Remember that the person is far more important than the relationship...

 

Good luck and go hit those books...

 

Thank you for your response.

I know I should put my time into school. I noticed that being in that relationship costed me a lot of time. It's better this way, and I know that.

I just have this annoying habbit if always looking way too far into the future and worrying about that. This is one of those things. I'm doing everything I can to stop thinking about it and just give up on it, but at some moments it's really hard. It's something I still think about a lot. I am just a bit afraid you know....

I have already survived a month being single, so I'm sure I'll get through it. Like I said, right now I'm doing my best to forget about it. I am trying to just be happy without, and it seems to be coming along nicely. A little.

I will remember the traits you gave me. There are certainly things I need to look at. That's what I am really trying to do right now. I'm doing my best at trying to improve myself.

But that still isn't taking away the worries I have. Perhaps I am planning ahead too much. I should try to live in the moment and just see what happens. But thinking about it still gets me sometimes.

 

Btw, I do not want to have a relationship, just for the label or something. It just was really nice to have someone around that seemed to really care for me and also to have someone that I care for on that level. I knew that when I had something on my mind that I wanted to talk about, there was someone who would listen. It also was just nice to have someone that is fun to be with and do stuff with. Someone with more shared interests than anyone else I know. That stuff I just miss. (And of course, I'll admit it, it's really nice to be in love with someone. Sometimes.)

[Toodaloo]

When I was your age I spent my time looking out of the window day dreaming... not about boys admittedly... I just wanted to get the hell out of th class room... My biggest regret now is not spending a bit of time looking at those books... If I had I could have been A* all round and gone to uni... but that wasn't for me and I got reasonable grades with no study (at all...).

 

Learn as much as you can. Also read up on charisma and that sort of stuff because that will help you enormously both academically, in your studies and also with dating.

 

Its OK to look to the future but when it is at the cost of living today there is no point. The whole girl thing? You know what you will probably have a few more before you get married so don't worry about it. Instead learn how to deal with these things with dignity and grace as those abilities will hold you in high regard later.

 

So live today and enjoy today.

 

Yesterday is history, today is a mystery and tomorrow is a gift.

[eliturbo]

I can tell you that you overshare about your emotions and have admittedly issues asking girls out... those two are serious issues.

 

You should keep your own stuff for yourself, when you meet girls, just be funny and try to look confident and most importantly make sure you are ok asking girls out... a rejection is hard to swallow but is part of the game and if you want to win you need to participate!!

 

Oversharing about my emotions. Perhaps you're right. Actually, the only place I really share of my own emotions and stuff is when text with someone, but only with people I know that will listen and are fine with it. I used to never do that and never tell anyone about anything going around in my mind. I do think it's important that I can do that. I want someone I can talk with about that I guess.

But normally I am not really sharing much. I wouldn't even do that irl. I do my best having fun around people and stuff, and that works.

These times I'm a bit emotional and stuff, and because of that breakup I might be oversharing? I don't really know.

 

About the asking out part, it's probably something I should just learn. But then again, I barely even know what 'asking out' would mean. I mean what do you do? And what should I expect from it? When do I ask it? How do I ask it? That kind of stuff.

[eliturbo]

When I was your age I spent my time looking out of the window day dreaming... not about boys admittedly... I just wanted to get the hell out of th class room... My biggest regret now is not spending a bit of time looking at those books... If I had I could have been A* all round and gone to uni... but that wasn't for me and I got reasonable grades with no study (at all...).

 

Learn as much as you can. Also read up on charisma and that sort of stuff because that will help you enormously both academically, in your studies and also with dating.

 

Its OK to look to the future but when it is at the cost of living today there is no point. The whole girl thing? You know what you will probably have a few more before you get married so don't worry about it. Instead learn how to deal with these things with dignity and grace as those abilities will hold you in high regard later.

 

So live today and enjoy today.

 

Yesterday is history, today is a mystery and tomorrow is a gift.

 

School is going just fine. I quite enjoy it, but it can be a little stressful every now and then. I do one of the highest levels of education in the netherlands, and on top of that a sort of extra program. Previous years I've always managed to get good marks. It's not like this is something I worry about all day. It's just a thought that comes to me sometimes, but it can make me quite upset. I posted this because I was wondering what folks on this forum thought of it and maybe get a better look on what I should do with it.

I take you're saying I should just stop worrying about it and see where it goes? That's what I am trying to convince myself, but like I said, it's still a thought that is bothering me from time to time.

[joseb]

Your 16 and worried about not being in a relationship?

If you read here you will see there are lots of guys 20 older than you who have never had a girlfriend.

What exactly are you worried about?

That all the girls will have married by the time you are 17?

 

Go and enjoy your life. Hang out with friends. Focus on your studies. Having a girlfriend is not all that, trust me.

 

Also, a girlfriend isn't a therapist to unload on with all your problems.

Edited November 3, 2016 by joseb

[eliturbo]

Your 16 and worried about not being in a relationship?

If you read here you will see there are lots of guys 20 older than you who have never had a girlfriend.

What exactly are you worried about?

That all the girls will have married by the time you are 17?

 

Go and enjoy your life. Hang out with friends. Focus on your studies. Having a girlfriend is not all that, trust me.

 

Also, a girlfriend isn't a therapist to unload on with all your problems.

 

I know a girlfriend shouldn't be that. I used to be very cautious with the things I said. I never really told anyone about what went around in my head. Never sharing stuff.

Then I met her and she did everything she could to make me speak more. Not being able to talk to anyone was just painful, and she recognised that. She dragged me out of my shell, but that only destroyed everyone around me. She literally said she was absolutely fine with being my therapist if that made me happy. Guess she wasn't.

 

The fact that I am worried about this stuff probably says that I have quite some issues. I am trying to fix those myself. I am trying to be stronger. I thought that maybe this forum could help me with that, but it seems I am totally out of place. This isn't a forum for children like me. I am inexperienced, immature and young. I am sorry for everyone that has wasted his/her time on this. For the people who responded, thanks for your answers. I think from this point on it's best if I just leave. There are a lot more people out there that have far more serious problems than what I regard as important. Again, sorry for being a bit misplaced here.

[fenix]

I know a girlfriend shouldn't be that. I used to be very cautious with the things I said. I never really told anyone about what went around in my head. Never sharing stuff.

Then I met her and she did everything she could to make me speak more. Not being able to talk to anyone was just painful, and she recognised that. She dragged me out of my shell, but that only destroyed everyone around me. She literally said she was absolutely fine with being my therapist if that made me happy. Guess she wasn't.

 

The fact that I am worried about this stuff probably says that I have quite some issues. I am trying to fix those myself. I am trying to be stronger. I thought that maybe this forum could help me with that, but it seems I am totally out of place. This isn't a forum for children like me. I am inexperienced, immature and young. I am sorry for everyone that has wasted his/her time on this. For the people who responded, thanks for your answers. I think from this point on it's best if I just leave. There are a lot more people out there that have far more serious problems than what I regard as important. Again, sorry for being a bit misplaced here.

 

That is not like that, of course there are people with more urgent issues but they are not your issues and is totally ok that you ask about what is worrying you.

Do not lisen to much to people who will patronize you and act condescending just because they are older.

What they try to say is that you should not take too seriously your dating issues because they come from your inexperience because you are young and you will have to learn by trial and error.

 

At your age I would not stress too much about having girlfriends, I would try to get some experience dating without necessarily trying to get a relationship from it. You need to get some confidence and experience will give you just that.

Asking out girls or making a move on them is something you will be expected to do so you better get out of your comfort zone and begin to do that because you won't get any dating, kissing, or anything else without making yourself vulnerable and accepting rejection as part of the learning process.

 

Big hug for you and don't worry too much, you will be fine!

Edited November 4, 2016 by fenix

[eliturbo]

That is not like that, of course there are people with more urgent issues but they are not your issues and is totally ok that you ask about what is worrying you.

Do not lisen to much to people who will patronize you and act condescending just because they are older.

What they try to say is that you should not take too seriously your dating issues because they come from your inexperience because you are young and you will have to learn by trial and error.

 

At your age I would not stress too much about having girlfriends, I would try to get some experience dating without necessarily trying to get a relationship from it. You need to get some confidence and experience will give you just that.

Asking out girls or making a move on them is something you will be expected to do so you better get out of your comfort zone and begin to do that because you won't get any dating, kissing, or anything else without making yourself vulnerable and accepting rejection as part of the learning process.

 

Big hug for you and don't worry too much, you will be fine!

 

This afternoon I kind of had a small breakdown again. I'm really a mess. I don't know what I am doing, what I am thinking, why I am thinking it and if that is normal. It really seems like everything of the last two months has broken me. Right now I am trying to just sit here and wait until it gets better. That's all I can do. I am trying to fix things, but it just doesn't seem to work. All I can do is hope. But sometimes that hope just gets lost and I go down the same path everytime. I don't know how much of this I can really take.

 

More to what you wrote: Thanks. I was feeling terrible again and your message did make me feel a little better. I know I shouldn't take this too seriously, but it just happens. I try my best to tuck it away, but sometimes I just kind of lose it. Trial and error is indeed probably gonna need to be done. That's probably the only thing that I can do. But with that comes patience. Right now there isn't anything I can do, but still I worry. I don't know why. Letting go of it is just so hard. Like I said, I'm a mess. I don't know what I am doing. I just don't know. But yeah, thank you

[Sweetfish]

This afternoon I kind of had a small breakdown again. I'm really a mess. I don't know what I am doing, what I am thinking, why I am thinking it and if that is normal. It really seems like everything of the last two months has broken me. Right now I am trying to just sit here and wait until it gets better. That's all I can do. I am trying to fix things, but it just doesn't seem to work. All I can do is hope. But sometimes that hope just gets lost and I go down the same path everytime. I don't know how much of this I can really take.

 

More to what you wrote: Thanks. I was feeling terrible again and your message did make me feel a little better. I know I shouldn't take this too seriously, but it just happens. I try my best to tuck it away, but sometimes I just kind of lose it. Trial and error is indeed probably gonna need to be done. That's probably the only thing that I can do. But with that comes patience. Right now there isn't anything I can do, but still I worry. I don't know why. Letting go of it is just so hard. Like I said, I'm a mess. I don't know what I am doing. I just don't know. But yeah, thank you

 

We have all been 16.. what you feel is normal. Your hormones are going nuts and the relationship of someone caring about you is making you go all over the place.

 

I will truly tell you how you can fix things. What ever you got.. your health, intellect, the little monies you got, the clothes you wear.. improve them..

 

Little things about your personality that you can enhance.

 

Enhance them... you will not only attract women.. but you will attract people, jobs, and opportunities.

 

But in all reality just enjoy being 16 lol

[Mysterio]

I personally think you should just chill and develop your hobbies, and strive to do well in school so you can have a marketable skill.

 

I almost think the more chill and layed back you are. The more they want you. As opposed of being Gung Ho in a womans face and she is going to be gushing over you.

 

I think that travelling and making new friends is more important than having a GF or even having kids before 30.

 

Just do this. If you are in the social enviroment of your life and meet a girl that treats you well, and you connect and click beyond you wanting to sleep with her. Then ask her out and let the relationship grow or fall apart as its meant to do. Don't get anyone pregnant.

 

When I was 16. All I really cared about was actually getting out of school. GF's were a by product and I broke up with them if they were starting to get out of hand.

[eliturbo]

Honestly, you're all right. I think I am behaving a bit ridiculous. Sometimes I'm just going a bit nuts over that breakup and the mood swings I seem to be having. Worries like these are a byproduct. I am making things worse than they actually are.

At this point I can even say that I should be happy being out of such a complicated thing. Reading around these forum pages really makes me be happy being in the position I am now. Being in a RS is definitely not everything. Seeing what kind of effect this has had on me it is a bit of a relieve to be out of it. I miss it, a lot, but dealing without also belongs to it. I'd rather work to a point where I'm not that interested anymore in it than trying to cut my way through the forest trying to find the perfect relationship. Which is not happening anyways.

 

And I must say, these worries and fears are all byproducts of the weird way I'm feeling because of the BU. Right now I'm doing my best to keep myself positive and not worry about things like this. I hope that the longer this goes on the less I'll worry about stuff like this. There will be a point that I'll worry about this again for sure, but I hope I can remember the way I feel about it now.

 

So yeah, you're all right and me doubting you and myself is just me being stupid. I hope I'll be done with these mood swings some day because I'm really starting to get fed up.

So thanks!

For now I'll try to let a rs/gf be the "magical thing you see in series and films that I will most likely come across again someday completely unexpectedly." (Actually, it's probably more suffering than magic but yeah... xD)

Until that day I shouldn't be waiting for it, but just living like I always have done.

Edited November 8, 2016 by eliturbo

[normal person]

I'd suggest you just try and find the right girlfriend rather than "a" girlfriend. A lot of people think being in relationships, regardless of quality, is better than being single. I can't speak for everyone, but that sounds like hell on Earth for me. If you think the same way, exercise some scrutiny and you might be a lot happier.