mrgr8avill Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Hi, and thank you for taking the time to read this. Sometimes in a LTR, you lose perspective of what's good and bad for you, and I'm clearly very deep into that place right now - I REALLY appreciate your perspective. Just over six years ago, I got involved with someone who I can get along with famously. There is only one primary problem and in my mind it's gotten so big it's almost insurmountable. Before I do anything rash, though, I need to get an "outsider's perspective" to see if I need to change my way of thought. My partner was in kind of a tough spot when we met over six years ago. Although we agreed we both wanted a "50/50 split" of responsibilities, we needed to do some work to get there. We agreed that I would support her while she finished school. It was always, though, going to be a "partnership." 3.5 years ago, my partner dropped out of school. I told her that I never intended to support her and that she'd have to get a job. She worked 1.5 weeks out of the next 1.5 years. We broke up for a bit, and she worked for six months (but still replied on me substantially for support). Six months ago, she came back, and I was very clear in telling her that she would have to "pull her weight" this time. She, of course, agreed. It's now been five months and she drove for Lyft for two weeks during that period before crashing my truck. Since then - nothing. It's now been almost three years within the relationship where I've supported her unwillingly. During that time, I became disabled and saw my income drop by 90%. Given how well we get along when things are good, I could almost forget the idea of a "partnership" and willingly support her. But she feels that an adequate distribution of household chores involves me doing half the work - laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. I figure since I bring in the money, do the paperwork, and handle maintenance issues, a "fair distribution" would be her handling all the chores. She once claimed that I was a slob and produced an unrealistic burden on her to keep things clean. To test her theory, I spent six months living at my office. When I'd come home, there would be piles of moldy dishes in the sink, piles of dirty laundry, cat boxes overflowing with clumped litter, etc. None of which I had contributed anything to. Then I find out that her idea of "pulling her weight" was giving me the $40-50 dollars a month in extra utilities it would cost to have her live with me. She believes that a "partnership" involves splitting household chores like laundry, dishes, shopping, cooking. I'm fine with that as long as she's working and paying bills. Since she's not, I see an equitable distribution to mean I pay the bills, do the accounting, and handle maintenance issues, and she does the rest. I didn't realize the depth of her convictions until last week when we saw some commercial about relationships, and she complained about how I spent my discretionary money and told me I needed to do half of the household chores if I wanted this relationship to succeed. Now I realize how she sees nothing wrong with letting me support her entirely AND thinks that I should be doing half of everything else. Things culminated when the issue of the truck's deductible came up. She wrecked it, so I asked how she thought she'd pay for the $1,000 deductible without a job, and she started crying. She honestly never considered the fact that she would have to pay for wrecking my truck. I'm flabbergasted. To me, if you're living under another person's roof, you need to be contributing for yourself. If there's an agreement in place that you do X and your partner does Y - that's fine, but to do nothing for over three years, expect your partner to pay your bills, pay for your mistakes, handle all the paperwork, AND do half the chores... My mind is in knots right now. So much so that I wonder if my own perspective is somehow wrong and I need to adjust my way of thinking. So that's why I find myself here - seeking a "stranger's perspective." So, what do you think? Should I pitch in and start doing half the household chores, or am I right to hold my ground and demand some more equality? Thanks for your time and any information you can provide. I don't mean to dump my dirty laundry on you (literally), but I'm so foggy I don't know which way to go. So, here we are. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Well, I am a stranger and I think this is bull S*** Why is she a grown woman and incapable of supporting herself? Does she not possess any skills? No drive? No motivation? What? Where does she see herself in 5 years? Does she have ANY goals? I am a driven person, I wouldnt tolerate this. For perspective, I am the bread winner in our household, but my husband does work, works full time and is also driven, I just happen to have a higher paying career. I take care of the traditional female chores, grocery shopping, all cooking, laundry. We share house cleaning and dishes. During the two months I spent unemployed after college graduation (while looking for work) - I kept the house "like a house wife". Totally clean, dinner on the table when he got home from work each day. I did the dishes, cleaning, deep scrubbing, errand running etc. His job was to go to work, and when I wasn't sending resumes or going to interviews, I was keeping up the home (I would even iron and set out his work clothes each day). 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 You shouldn't allow her to live with you. She will learn to support herself if she's forced to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrgr8avill Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 You shouldn't allow her to live with you. She will learn to support herself if she's forced to. Yeah, thanks. I almost feel like I'm doing her a disservice by continuing to enable this. This has been from 22 to almost 29 for her and she's way behind in life because of it. As much as I love to have her around, I fear you're right. I appreciate your input, because like I said I'm so foggy on this I don't know what to think - my head and heart are completely at odds with one another. Thanks again for your thoughts and contribution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Yeah, thanks. I almost feel like I'm doing her a disservice by continuing to enable this. She sounds lazy and entitled, a toxic combination. But she's not posting here. Honestly, this is as much - if not more - about you as it is about her. No one can be enabled without a co-dependent partner - you. And you've trained her that all you deadlines and ultimatums are so much fluff, they don't mean a thing. So here she is 3 years later, not having contributed a thing other than the dents in your truck, still telling you what to do with your time. And you claim to be wondering what to do? Hope at least the sex has been good, you've paid a steep price for it. I don't see her changing, guess that means it's up to you... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrgr8avill Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 Honestly, this is as much - if not more - about you as it is about her. No one can be enabled without a co-dependent partner - you. And you've trained her that all you deadlines and ultimatums are so much fluff, they don't mean a thing. So here she is 3 years later, not having contributed a thing other than the dents in your truck, still telling you what to do with your time. And you claim to be wondering what to do? Harsh reality, but unfortunately the truth. After spending this long with someone I care about this much, finding out that we have such diametrically opposing ideas of what a relationship is causes me to stutter and wonder if I'm wrong. I knw I'm not, though. I need to either buck up and realize I'm going to have to figure out a way to support this person forever, or give up the notion that a relationship is possible. If she hasn't changed by now.... Thanks again for helping me find my true perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I agree with the others. I wouldn't even be able to sustain respect and affection for someone who didn't want to be a team and do things together. It sounds as though you must love her to have tolerated this, so I wouldn't imagine it will be hard to draw a line. But I think you have to, whether you stay together or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrgr8avill Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 I agree with the others. I wouldn't even be able to sustain respect and affection for someone who didn't want to be a team and do things together. It sounds as though you must love her to have tolerated this, so I wouldn't imagine it will be hard to draw a line. But I think you have to, whether you stay together or not. Thanks for your thoughts, BlueIris. One gets to the point where one WANTS to be wrong. I WANT to be told I'm wrong or old-fashioned or foolish for thinking as I do. I've long ago isolated from friends because they keep trying to point me in a direction I don't want to go (but know I should). And it's more than a little embarrassing to have to admit I've let this happen for so long (especially after losing my kidneys and 90% of my income). Each increasingly stupid decision I make in turn makes it more difficult to reset the score card to zero and admit to myself I shouldn't have done any of it. I know in my head that just because the water is deep doesn't mean the shore is farther away, but comments like yours are helping me find myself again. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 You know the game you are playing yet you keep suiting up and getting on the field, and then getting surprised by it. She will never work, it will not get better as she ages, it will get worse. She expects you to support her, she has made this very clear. If you don't want this, move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Thanks for your thoughts, BlueIris. One gets to the point where one WANTS to be wrong. I WANT to be told I'm wrong or old-fashioned or foolish for thinking as I do. I've long ago isolated from friends because they keep trying to point me in a direction I don't want to go (but know I should). And it's more than a little embarrassing to have to admit I've let this happen for so long (especially after losing my kidneys and 90% of my income). Each increasingly stupid decision I make in turn makes it more difficult to reset the score card to zero and admit to myself I shouldn't have done any of it. I know in my head that just because the water is deep doesn't mean the shore is farther away, but comments like yours are helping me find myself again. Thank you. Don't waste time being embarrassed. Nobody does things exactly the right way all the time. You have been flexible and generous. It isn't as though you were nasty or cruel. The scales have just tipped too far for too long. Nothing to be embarrassed about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 She's not a girlfriend, she's a succubus. Dump her, kick her the hell out, and don't look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usernameisvalid Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I spent a long time in a similar relationship, and before I'd totally isolated myself from all my friends, one of them said to me, so simply, "what would happen if you said no?" I didn't want to face it and quite literally felt like I couldn't say no to him, so I brushed it aside. Years later when he left me, I was finally able to answer that question clearly. I don't think what I'm going to say next exactly follows from what I just said, but I'm thinking that if you can't stand to break it off, maybe you tell her how much you love her and want to be with her but that y'all need to back it up and live separately because you can't support her anymore. Let her decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand to Glass Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 (edited) Thanks for your thoughts, BlueIris. One gets to the point where one WANTS to be wrong. I WANT to be told I'm wrong or old-fashioned or foolish for thinking as I do. I've long ago isolated from friends because they keep trying to point me in a direction I don't want to go (but know I should). And it's more than a little embarrassing to have to admit I've let this happen for so long (especially after losing my kidneys and 90% of my income). Each increasingly stupid decision I make in turn makes it more difficult to reset the score card to zero and admit to myself I shouldn't have done any of it. I know in my head that just because the water is deep doesn't mean the shore is farther away, but comments like yours are helping me find myself again. Thank you. My mantra when leaving a similar relationship where I felt taken advantage of both financially and emotionally: your happiness is worth finding. No investment this far is worth the possibilities still ahead. If you're not happy, it's okay to walk away and you don't have to validate it to anyone else. You'd also be surprised at how many of the people whose opinions you're worried about, or embarrassed about, will come out and support you. The books Codependent No More, and The Four Agreements were also very helpful. I don't follow either literally, but they're good for evoking new trains of thought. Edited November 3, 2016 by Sand to Glass Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Yeah, thanks. I almost feel like I'm doing her a disservice by continuing to enable this. This has been from 22 to almost 29 for her and she's way behind in life because of it. As much as I love to have her around, I fear you're right. I appreciate your input, because like I said I'm so foggy on this I don't know what to think - my head and heart are completely at odds with one another. Thanks again for your thoughts and contribution. It might be good for your relationship....she won't see it that way at first but if she loves you enough to stay with you then I think this will help her and make your time more enjoyable. It will also hopefully make her a better housemate in the future if you decide to try to live together again Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 You lost me at moldy dishes... She's not a partner, she is a dependant. You should be claiming her on your income tax... Seriously, if she is healthy and well, she should be working and contributing to your household. If she is not, you need to do something about that. This sounds very unhealthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 So...I'd say that chores need to be discussed and there isn't necessarily an inverse relationship between financial contributions and household contributions. It's really up to the couple. BUT, the real problem is that your GF is a leech and a slob. And that you are enabling it. Glad to see you coming out of the fog. It will be tough, but finding someone who can be a real partner will be worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 I need to either buck up and realize I'm going to have to figure out a way to support this person forever, or give up the notion that a relationship is possible. If she hasn't changed by now..... If you do decide to support her forever, it should be with the proviso that she does ALL of the domestic work and that it's done every day. Wanting you to support her and do half of the chores is laughable. What does she do all day? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anika9 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 # Recent change New to this site. I was just looking at post.. I wanted to ask out of curiosity... Why do you do all the house chores if you both work and you make more money? Link to post Share on other sites
Anika9 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 How do you reply 'directly' to things people write? I keep messing that up :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 I used to work with a guy who was married to a woman like this. She would spend all his money too. He complained for 20 years about her and how she did nothing. I'm going to call him Tim. Tim has been battling cancer now for the past several years and is very close to death. His wife is a mess. First, she's in denial thinking he's gonna get better and go back to work. He's not. Second, since she has basically sat on her as# for years and hasn't dealt with much in the outside world, she is incapable of making any smart medical decisions for Tim and doesn't know how to cope or what to do. it's really, really, a bad situation. I have no doubt that when Tim dies, she will squander what is left of his life savings and 40+ years of hard, dedicated work although I'm sure she Will receive his ss benefits. I guess what I'm trying to say is stop this now. Your codependency is only going to hurt you both in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 How do you reply 'directly' to things people write? I keep messing that up :-) Press the little quote button at the bottom of the post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 So...I'd say that chores need to be discussed and there isn't necessarily an inverse relationship between financial contributions and household contributions. It's really up to the couple. Probably true, but in situations where one partner works and one doesn't, a sense of fairness and self-worth would indicate the at-home spouse would do the bulk of chores and housework. Hard to respect someone who doesn't contribute... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Moldy dishes?!?! What does she do when she's at home??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 So let me get this straight... 1. she does not work, and contributes NOTHING monetarily to the household 2. you support her 100% financially 3. she stays home all day, supposedly keeping up the house / chores 4. she want's you to do some of the chores? No f'ing way... either she gets a job or does 100% of the household duties. At this point, that IS her job This would not be up for negotiation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Moldy dishes?!?! What does she do when she's at home??? Snapchats other dudes would be my bet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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