Dating

[Artlover]

Hi everyone:

 

It's been another long while... I have a question. I went out on a date on Saturday night with a man I met at a party in early April. He's a nice man, artistic, sensitive, intelligent. He's a visual artist and he also makes books (a bit of a craftsman) and I was impressed so we exchanged numbers so I could look at his books. He called me two days later and was prepared to go out that weekend, but I put the date off for two weeks because I really had a lot of personal stuff going on (including a health concern--I'm fine now) and didn't have the head space. I tried to be as open and honest as possible so he didn't feel blown off and I think I succeded.

 

Anyway, to make a long story shorter, we went out to dinner on Saturday night, he had worked that day so he was tired. He brought some books for me to look at that were lovely. He spontaneously gave two of them to me and signed them and everything. I was very surprised. He also paid for dinner, but went home right afterwards to go to bed. He and I discovered we both had many common interests including seeing live music, so after walking me to the train, he said we should go see a live show next or have dinner again. I said sure. He told me at least three times that he had a great time. I agreed. Then at the end rather than making concrete plans he said "Speak to you soon." I said ok. Oh and he kissed me on the cheek and hugged me goodbye.

 

One of the books he gave me was esentially a journal with sketchings in it and it was from a time in his life when he was pretty depressed and lost. It was VERY personal (and surprisingly articluate) and I felt moved that he would share it with me. So I called him yesterday on his cell (I didn't think it would be on since he was at work----he works as a carpenter). Well, instead of leaving a brief, thank you message, I got him. I was a bit goofy at first and was like "I didn't think I'd get you." He made a joke about me being disappointed. Then I thanked him for the books. He asked me if I read the really personal one yet. I told him yes and he wanted to know what I thought. I told him I thought some of the writing was really impressive and that I had some questions. He told me he has answers and we should talk about it. I said ok. And he said "speak to you soon."

 

This bothers me. He seems hesitant to nail anything concrete down. He had me on the phone. Why not at least say, I'll call you later in the week or let's talk tomorrow night or something. Am I being neurotic or paranoid? Or does this sound like someone who may have another woman in his life or is confused about whther he wants to move forward or not? Is he playing games? Or am I just too impatient. Of course the ball is in his court and I will never call him again. But I'm just curious if this sounds odd to anyone else. Thanks !

[sparkle]

It doesn't sound odd at all to me, unless I'm missing something. Maybe he didn't want to seem too pressed or desperate by making plans again so soon. He also didn't say anything that would make me suspect that he wasn't interested or had another girl on the side. From what I've read, he gave no reason whatsoever to make you think this way.

 

On the contrary, he sounded very interested, and I'd be happy right about now. Maybe he knew how busy you had been before so he didn't want to rush things. And maybe he's expecting you to call him to make plans when you're free.

 

He did say that he had answers and that you two should discuss it.

 

Maybe he's wise and wants to take things slow. Maybe he wants to take his time. You should too. Be a little more patient.

 

You went out Saturday. You called him Monday. Monday could've been too soon to make plans for the weekend.

 

You did say, "Of course the ball is in his court and I will never call him again."

 

WHY? Who said the ball was in his court now? What did he do for you not to call him ever again? Call him in a few days, maybe on Friday or Saturday. If he doesn't try to make plans with you then, then let him be the one to call you afterwards. But don't blow him off right now by not calling.

[Artlover]

Thanks Sparkle for your response. I know my stance on not calling again seems hardline, but I've had good dates in the past where I get one signal, but something entirely different is going on. Granted, I've never had a guy give me a present of any kind on a first date (not since maybe my very FIRST first date). So, I'm probably lumping him in unfairly with the rest. It's just the word "soon". It seems benign, but it's ready pretty non-commital and evasive. That's all.

It doesn't sound odd at all to me, unless I'm missing something. Maybe he didn't want to seem too pressed or desperate by making plans again so soon. He also didn't say anything that would make me suspect that he wasn't interested or had another girl on the side. From what I've read, he gave no reason whatsoever to make you think this way. On the contrary, he sounded very interested, and I'd be happy right about now. Maybe he knew how busy you had been before so he didn't want to rush things. And maybe he's expecting you to call him to make plans when you're free. He did say that he had answers and that you two should discuss it. Maybe he's wise and wants to take things slow. Maybe he wants to take his time. You should too. Be a little more patient. You went out Saturday. You called him Monday. Monday could've been too soon to make plans for the weekend. You did say, "Of course the ball is in his court and I will never call him again."

 

WHY? Who said the ball was in his court now? What did he do for you not to call him ever again? Call him in a few days, maybe on Friday or Saturday. If he doesn't try to make plans with you then, then let him be the one to call you afterwards. But don't blow him off right now by not calling.

 

[Artlover]

Hi Tony:

 

If I don't hear from this guy by the weekend. Do you think that's him sending me a message that he no longer wants to go out or would you advise calling him one more time? He technically asked me out on Saturday night, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable in the role of having to follow up on a date ...

Thanks Sparkle for your response. I know my stance on not calling again seems hardline, but I've had good dates in the past where I get one signal, but something entirely different is going on. Granted, I've never had a guy give me a present of any kind on a first date (not since maybe my very FIRST first date). So, I'm probably lumping him in unfairly with the rest. It's just the word "soon". It seems benign, but it's ready pretty non-commital and evasive. That's all.

[Tony T]

I don't see how he technically asked you out. If you don't hear from him to nail it down, you are free to make other plans.

 

Artists are very different from most people. They value freedom, they are impulsive, they don't like set plans, they do not conform to things most other people do...their lives have more to do with flow than with events. Creative people just live their lives much differently than others.

 

If you are going to have any kind of friendship or relationship with this man, you are going to have to develop a whole different mindset. Just understand he is an artist first and foremost. He doesn't think like other people and he is not like other people.

 

So forget everything you know or think how how about how men should or do operate and start going with the flow. As for changing other aspects of your life, that's up to you. Give this guy one or two weeks to see how he operates. If you can't handle it, forget him and move on.

[Artlover]

Thanks Tony:

 

What I meant by him technically asking me out is he initiated the idea that we should get together again. I didn't. I just wasn't sure if I would want to chase him down to nail plans. Artist or not. By the way, I'm an artist myself so I certainly know all about flow and the meandering through life thing. Fortunately or unfortunately, I also have a very practical side to my nature. Always have, always will.

 

Do you think it would be too pushy for me to call him one more time, if I don't here from him in a week or so? That's where the confusion lies.

I don't see how he technically asked you out. If you don't hear from him to nail it down, you are free to make other plans. Artists are very different from most people. They value freedom, they are impulsive, they don't like set plans, they do not conform to things most other people do...their lives have more to do with flow than with events. Creative people just live their lives much differently than others.

 

If you are going to have any kind of friendship or relationship with this man, you are going to have to develop a whole different mindset. Just understand he is an artist first and foremost. He doesn't think like other people and he is not like other people. So forget everything you know or think how how about how men should or do operate and start going with the flow. As for changing other aspects of your life, that's up to you. Give this guy one or two weeks to see how he operates. If you can't handle it, forget him and move on.

[Tony T]

Yes, call in him a few weeks to say hello...if you don't hear from him. But if that happens, write him off as possible date material.