My story

[Tobie]

So...I've never been romantic with this person...but I suppose we were closer emotionally than we should have been. This all happened 12 years years ago, and most of the time, I'm over it...but I had a dream out of nowhere about us about a week ago, and now I can't stop thinking about him.

 

He's not on Facebook, which is probably a good thing, because I can't contact him. W is on FB. I'm assuming they're still married- 3 kids, teenagers.

 

We met almost 20 years ago at a job I had. I don't remember meeting him and thinking he was hot, or feeling chemistry. In fact, the first real interaction we had, he was annoyed with me and I thought. What's that guy's problem? Physical attraction developed over time, but only after the emotional connection was there:

 

So, no lightning bolts here.

 

This is a profession where many men will absolutely make passes at the young girls. And everyone talks. NEVER did I hear anything about him- he was, and I'm assuming, still is a great father and is not the affair type. His interest in me was as a person.

 

It's hard to tell the story without identifying details...but he was in my chain of command, and in a position to help me out when I was young, dumb and wild. And he did. He ran a lot of what happened on this job, and in the last 18 months or so of us working together, began to arrange things so I'd be spending time with him- even reassigning me to his supervision: I didn't think much of it at the time- but I knew I always enjoyed his company. I also was in a relationship myself at this point.

 

The last few months we had together, it finally hit me- he really likes me. Even my mom (who had interacted with him) saw it. Once, on the phone he told me, I will always take care of you. I knew then it could be something more from his end, too.

 

That month, at work, we both stayed overnight in the facility. Nothing happened between us, ever. But for the first time, I felt tempted.

 

And then it imploded.

 

Something he did to try to help me backfired and we were both in the hot seat. He was back peddling, denying his role in it. His supervisor (who was never a fan of his) intervened immediately and said- this is done. I'm reassigning her (and she did, that day). Did she see it? Was it obvious?

 

That same day, he announced within my earshot That he was leaving he job- and he did, to everyone's shock.

 

It's probably good that we got out of it before something physical happened.

 

Months later, I emailed him. I didn't want him to be mad at me. And he wasn't. He said goodbye.

 

This happened in August 2005. We haven't had contact since.

 

Ironically, we wound up living less than ten miles apart (he was not a factor in the location where I bought my house). We have never run into each other, personally or professionally.

 

I think what got me thinking about him was that our company had a reunion in September. Neither of us went.

 

It's so strange, because now I cannot stop thinking about him. I'd like to e to see him and tell him thank you for the immense role he played in my life.

 

I'd never, ever be physical with him- I'm not looking to start an affair.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, so I haven't contacted him. I don't know if I will.

 

What if he was my soul mate?

 

Do you think he liked me as more than a friend? I think that's why he said goodbye and didn't want to stay in contact. He didn't want the temptation. He is a good man.

 

How do I stop thinking about all of this?

[NTV]

I think you're thinking about this because it's one of the things that shaped who you are as a person. The emotions the experience all of it.... just like how you can remember something that happened in high school it's not really that big of that important but it was just one of those weird events that stuck with you. It doesn't mean you have to go back to high school and relive it. It's just one of those things that every once in awhile it pops up in your head over okay?

 

Not like deja vu but more like what would have happened if I would have went and got this degree instead of the one I got in college... do you know what I mean? What would happen if I joined the Air Force instead of the Marine Corps?

 

Well that's what it sounds like to me anyway.

[Tobie]

It's a hard time of year. Lost the opportunity of a lifetime the exact month (November 2004) this was all going on.

 

I will always regret that. I think my life would have taken a totally different path had I gone on that opportunity.

 

I miss him like it was yesterday.

 

I want to talk to him, I want to see him. And I don't. Because I don't want him to walk away and feel like this. I don't want to hurt anyone. But how could I never thank someone who did so much for me as a person?

 

We never had closure- one minute we were working together, the next I was ripped away and that was the end of it.

 

I wrote him a long letter. It felt like I was ripping my heart out, but I did it. No idea if I will ever show it to him. I won't decide right now.

 

What if I never meet someone again who made me feel as he did?

 

Could I really love my whole life and never see him again?

 

Why now, after 11.5 years of NC?

 

I suspect he wants NC and will stick to it, even if I do contact him.

 

But he will know how pivotal he was in my life.

 

I'm torn.

[Midwestmissy]

The universe won't send you a soul mate in the form of a married person - he might be his wife's soul mate. But I don't believe in soul mates and I've been with my husband since 1988.

 

There's not only one person out there for you. People who think this way can gave a lonely life pining for what could have been. Had I gone to a different college I'd be married to someone else and having a happy life. Focus on what's available to you. You're giving the fantasy too much power. He has a family that he hasn't left. His kids need him so much. you want a man who honours his commitments, not someone who drops everything when something new and shiny pops up.

[Tobie]

I don't expect him to leave. That's not the type of person he is.

 

I don't even know if he's still married. I'm assuming. These people aren't all over social media, so it's hard to tell.

[BuddyX]

The world gives you a thousand opportunities to succeed. It also gives you thousand of people you'll meet. If you loose sleep over one missed opportunity or one person then you're not living life. "Fate" and "Soulmate" are strippers I met in Florida. Start focusing on your happiness. Not what others provide.

 

Time for you to live a little

[heartwhole]

I think you stop thinking about it by getting to the root of your feelings. You wonder "what if" about a lost job opportunity and a friendship that could have been more. Are you feeling dissatisfied with where you are today?

 

If this were a movie, you would run into this man through some twist of fate, and you would both just KNOW it was meant to be, and you'd ride off into the sunset together. There would be no stress involved in ending his marriage or melding your lives, no effort required to develop a healthy relationship.

 

But research tells us that people who experience great or terrible turns in fortune (think winning the lottery versus becoming paralyzed) generally return to the same level of happiness they had before, after an initial period of adjustment. It's not the external circumstances of our lives that dictate our happiness, but rather our perspective and emotional health.

 

I encourage you to focus on the areas that you feel dissatisfied in, and to take ownership of them. If you're unhappy professionally, what can you do about it? If you are single and wanting a companion, what can you do about it? Don't put your energy into "what if's" from long ago. Make peace with the fact that you made every choice you did at the time with the knowledge and tools that you had, and focus on what you can do in the present to have a happy future. Remember that none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, and express gratitude for the good things in your life, and a little pluck to go after the things you wish you had.

[BTDT2012]

None of us can change the past. Let it go. Don't try to insert yourself in his life.

[eye of the storm]

Tobie, you don't miss him. You miss the fantasy of him. The what ifs, the could have beens. We often look back and say if I had only done this my life would be better. None of my issues would still be issues if only.....

 

You are spending a lot of time wondering and trying to guess his thoughts and his feelings. To be honest, it was over a decade ago, he probably doesn't even remember who you are.

 

Something is going on in your life that is keeping you stuck in the past. It isn't him. He is a symptom. Like a runny nose isn't the illness, it is something the illness causes. Maybe life was easier and not as complicated then.

 

Put him in the past where he belongs and move forward.

[l8estnews]

I'd never, ever be physical with him- I'm not looking to start an affair.

 

This statement, then:

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, so I haven't contacted him.

 

And then:

 

What if he was my soul mate?

 

And you honestly think we believe that you don't plan at least try to hook up with him? :love:

[Tobie]

No, actually I don't plan on being alone with him. I wouldn't hook up with him. This isn't about that.

[eye of the storm]

Please leave the guy alone. Nothing but stress and problems are going to come of this.

[Tobie]

I'm coming out of it a bit.

 

I don't want to hurt him. I really don't. I don't want him to feel like I've been feeling.

[heartwhole]

Have you ever had someone fall in love with you when you didn't feel the same? There was this guy in high school who was totally hung up on me, knew my birthday and middle name and who knows what else. Maybe in his mind we were "soul mates."

 

There was this girl in college who felt that way about my husband. One time they were alone and she put her hand on his chest, looked him in the eyes, and said, "No one but me knows what secrets are in here." Um, what?

 

I'm sure he cared for you, but it was 11 years ago. Even a passionate love affair would be a fleeting memory for most people by now. I'm afraid you will embarrass yourself, or worse, if you act on the presumption that he has been pining away for you for 11 years. You had a bond, and you received closure when it was severed. There's nothing reasonable you can expect from him all this time later.

 

If your feelings are strong enough that they are interfering with your life, then I hope you will find a counselor to explore why these feelings are so strong. I really hope you can come to accept that there's a high likelihood that if you interacted with him today, the feelings would only be on your side. You might turn what was a fond memory for him into something he feels "ick" about.

[NTV]

"Fate" and "Soulmate" are strippers I met in Florida.

 

 

 

I think I met them too. They tried to sell me A Horse Named Destiny.

[Tobie]

Have you ever had someone fall in love with you when you didn't feel the same? There was this guy in high school who was totally hung up on me, knew my birthday and middle name and who knows what else. Maybe in his mind we were "soul mates."

 

There was this girl in college who felt that way about my husband. One time they were alone and she put her hand on his chest, looked him in the eyes, and said, "No one but me knows what secrets are in here." Um, what?

 

I'm sure he cared for you, but it was 11 years ago. Even a passionate love affair would be a fleeting memory for most people by now. I'm afraid you will embarrass yourself, or worse, if you act on the presumption that he has been pining away for you for 11 years. You had a bond, and you received closure when it was severed. There's nothing reasonable you can expect from him all this time later.

 

If your feelings are strong enough that they are interfering with your life, then I hope you will find a counselor to explore why these feelings are so strong. I really hope you can come to accept that there's a high likelihood that if you interacted with him today, the feelings would only be on your side. You might turn what was a fond memory for him into something he feels "ick" about.

 

I know in my heart that he did care about me more than just as a worker.

 

I've had many people in his position and no one has ever said "I told you I'd always take care of you."

 

He went out of his way so many times for me. He went out of his way to put myself in his presence.

 

Even his supervisor, who separated us, knew he liked me too much. My mom talked to him when I was in trouble and she knew.

 

I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.

[heartwhole]

I'm not trying to take away from your bond because I do believe it was real. But I had a lot of bonds with people 11 years ago that are but a fond memory today. It doesn't mean that if I showed up and said, "I can't stop thinking about you," they would respond positively. At best they'd be cautiously appreciative. At worst they'd feel my feelings were inappropriate or unwanted.

 

Have you had any serious relationships since then? What about friendships? I think your feelings say a lot more about where you are in your life today than they do about the uniqueness of that relationship. Again, I in no way doubt that you two had a real bond and feelings for each other then.

 

Other than my husband, I've had one relationship, my high school boyfriend. He broke my heart and when I met my husband, I wasn't completely over him. Once when I was engaged, we flirted. Sometimes he posted things on FB that seemed like they were about me long after I was married. Finally this summer he got married, 20 years after we dated. I'll always have complicated feelings for him and could go down the "what if" road if I wanted to.

 

But I don't want to, or need to, and after my husband's infidelity I recognize how important boundaries in one's life are. It sounds like your "friend" figured out how important boundaries are too, before it was too late. That was a long time ago. I have caught up with my high school boyfriend as recently as two years ago, and I know I could initiate a conversation today if I wanted . . . but why would I want to? We're both married. Intimacy between us is unwelcome and would only lead to heartache and pain. As much as that bond exists, maybe in my head, maybe in reality, it truly doesn't matter. It's a fond memory. It represents a time in my life when I had my whole life ahead of me, when I was uninhibited and not bogged down by adult concerns. It makes sense that a real relationship today wouldn't compare to that idealized relationship of my youth. But assuming that fond memories mean a person wants or needs me in his life now is just folly.

 

When my husband had his affair, I considered reaching out to my high school boyfriend for an ego boost. I wasn't particularly concerned about how my husband would feel about that in that time, but you know what I was concerned about? Not being an a-hole to my high school boyfriend, who was in a new relationship with his now wife. I want good things for him, so why would I want to screw around with his heart for a relationship that I knew wouldn't go anywhere and would never be better suited for me than my marriage? That would be selfish and pointless. I try to add value to other people's lives, not drag them down to feed my self-esteem. My self-esteem comes from me and me alone. It doesn't depend on my husband recognizing my value or some replacement man recognizing my value.

 

The important thing here is that you have value. It's nice that this man recognized that once upon a time. Others will recognize it too if you let them into your life and make healthy choices for yourself. But he is definitely not the only man who will ever appreciate you or want to care for you. Being hung up on something that happened so long ago is taking your energy away from the present, when you could be investing in real relationships right now, and putting it in the past, where we can romanticize and remember things as better than they really were.

[whichwayisup]

Tobie, you don't miss him. You miss the fantasy of him. The what ifs, the could have beens. We often look back and say if I had only done this my life would be better. None of my issues would still be issues if only.....

 

You are spending a lot of time wondering and trying to guess his thoughts and his feelings. To be honest, it was over a decade ago, he probably doesn't even remember who you are.

 

Something is going on in your life that is keeping you stuck in the past. It isn't him. He is a symptom. Like a runny nose isn't the illness, it is something the illness causes. Maybe life was easier and not as complicated then.

 

Put him in the past where he belongs and move forward.

 

I agree with this.

 

Let it go, remember him fondly but do NOT, I repeat, do NOT try to contact him.

He's married, he's moved on and it's been over 10 years since there was contact. You need to make peace with this and put him out of your head. Hanging onto a past flame for so many years isn't healthy and will prevent you from falling in love and meeting someone else.

[Tobie]

I don't think about him all the time. Every November I get sad because that's when the opportunity (career not MM!) happened and I feel the usual sadness and regret. But I don't usually think about him at all, tbh.

 

It came up in my mind because of that damn reunion. And then I had a dream about him.

 

There's going to be another reunion in spring. To my knowledge, he didn't go and probably didn't know about it.

 

Am I trying to avoid thinking about other things on my life? Absolutely! I'd rather not get into it, but I assure you, it's not fixable.

 

I was actually in a R when we were getting closer. That relationship ended about 6 months later. Recently the guy got D and added me on FB (no- he wasn't married when we dated). He's okay. I don't know if I'd date him again.

 

I had two other bad relationships in that time span. Then I just stopped dating.

 

I'm not often attracted to people, tbh. I'm not much of a Dater, and I think I wil probably remain single:

 

When I wasn't allowe to do that opportunity, I delved into a raging eating disorder that basically took over the rest of my 20s and my 30s so far.

 

I missed out on a lot.

 

I don't know what else to say. Everyone probably thinks I'm insane.

[eye of the storm]

Tobie, nobody thinks you are insane. Most people have that moment in time we look back to and wonder about, fantasize about making another choice.

 

But thinking about going back to dig up bones and actually grabbing a shovel are very different. In our weak moments it seems so appealing.

 

But you have to know that the way to improve your life, the way to be happy is forward. There is nothing in our past but lessons.

[ShatteredLady]

What would you write to him? Would you feel comfortable copying in his wife on your letter? No? Why not?

 

He may of cared. He may of cared a little too much....that would explain his reaction to his supervisors intervention. It sounds like he knew that he was starting to maybe cross a line AND he took himself away!

 

That's RESPECT for his wife & his family.

 

We're all only human. When I was young I believed that if you loved your partner enough it would make one completely immune to the attraction of others. Life & experience has taught me otherwise.

 

I'm naturally a positive person. I think that most of the human race are good people, some are also attractive, funny, charming, share interests with me. Some men just 'have it all' for me.

 

If I believed that having "It" makes a man my intended soul mate I would be condemning myself to a life of serial relationships, temporary flings, no happily ever after with ONE permanent mate. I know that I can feel very attracted to a man & it doesn't mean anything negative about my marriage or my husband. I simply take steps to avoid that person & give myself a good talking to!

 

He is MARRIED with children. He is part of a FAMILY. He could (& probably does) love his wife more than he could ever even imagine loving another woman. If he means this much to you. If he has been such a wonderful influence on your life, repay him! Have respect for him & his family & leave them alone.

 

What if you sent him your letter & his wife read it? Think of the damage you could do. That's NOT respect!! It's extreme selfishness. Are you really that person?

 

Feel very lucky that you had this mentor in your life. Analyze your life NOW & understand what 'hole' you are trying to fill with your memories of this man you hardly knew & know even less now. This is ALL about you & where you find yourself in your life.

 

Best wishes.

[Tobie]

What would you write to him? Would you feel comfortable copying in his wife on your letter? No? Why not?

 

He may of cared. He may of cared a little too much....that would explain his reaction to his supervisors intervention. It sounds like he knew that he was starting to maybe cross a line AND he took himself away!

 

That's RESPECT for his wife & his family.

 

We're all only human. When I was young I believed that if you loved your partner enough it would make one completely immune to the attraction of others. Life & experience has taught me otherwise.

 

I'm naturally a positive person. I think that most of the human race are good people, some are also attractive, funny, charming, share interests with me. Some men just 'have it all' for me.

 

If I believed that having "It" makes a man my intended soul mate I would be condemning myself to a life of serial relationships, temporary flings, no happily ever after with ONE permanent mate. I know that I can feel very attracted to a man & it doesn't mean anything negative about my marriage or my husband. I simply take steps to avoid that person & give myself a good talking to!

 

He is MARRIED with children. He is part of a FAMILY. He could (& probably does) love his wife more than he could ever even imagine loving another woman. If he means this much to you. If he has been such a wonderful influence on your life, repay him! Have respect for him & his family & leave them alone.

 

What if you sent him your letter & his wife read it? Think of the damage you could do. That's NOT respect!! It's extreme selfishness. Are you really that person?

 

Feel very lucky that you had this mentor in your life. Analyze your life NOW & understand what 'hole' you are trying to fill with your memories of this man you hardly knew & know even less now. This is ALL about you & where you find yourself in your life.

 

Best wishes.

 

That's why I haven't sent anything- I do respect him. He's choosing to be with her. I respect that.

[aileD]

I don't think about him all the time. Every November I get sad because that's when the opportunity (career not MM!) happened and I feel the usual sadness and regret. But I don't usually think about him at all, tbh.

 

It came up in my mind because of that damn reunion. And then I had a dream about him.

 

There's going to be another reunion in spring. To my knowledge, he didn't go and probably didn't know about it.

 

Am I trying to avoid thinking about other things on my life? Absolutely! I'd rather not get into it, but I assure you, it's not fixable.

 

I was actually in a R when we were getting closer. That relationship ended about 6 months later. Recently the guy got D and added me on FB (no- he wasn't married when we dated). He's okay. I don't know if I'd date him again.

 

I had two other bad relationships in that time span. Then I just stopped dating.

 

I'm not often attracted to people, tbh. I'm not much of a Dater, and I think I wil probably remain single:

 

When I wasn't allowe to do that opportunity, I delved into a raging eating disorder that basically took over the rest of my 20s and my 30s so far.

 

I missed out on a lot.

 

I don't know what else to say. Everyone probably thinks I'm insane.

 

I read this thread and here is my insight......it's all about this post.

 

This guy was the last guy that you had a good relationship with. So he's the standard...he's the last good memories.

 

I think you're lonely. You want to share your life with someone and be loved. It's hard for you to put yourself out there so you had a dream about someone who made you feel great and now......you're stuck on how he made you feel. It's the feelings you long for... not HIM. You don't know him anymore. So it can't be him. It's how he made you feel.

 

This is a you thing. Not a you and him thing. Everyone's right. He's married, don't mess that up. He's not available.

 

Work on yourself, try to get out there and meet people. Go on some dates. Opportunities will open up for you

Edited November 6, 2016 by aileD

[Tobie]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it.

 

I'm done thinking about him.

 

I might invite him to our reunion in spring- it's a family event, so he could bring his. I will decide in spring.

[Tobie]

So, since everyone has been so helpful, I thought I'd ask about my friend.

 

He's been in a R with this woman- they dated in the past and live in different states. It's been a quagmire since the beginning.

 

She was living with someone but they were not in a relationship, but they were raising her daughter (not by him) together. He moved out about 2 months ago and is selling the house she's living in in January.

 

She seems to be incapable of supporting herself in an apartment, so not sure what she's going to do then. My friend offered for her to live with him. She doesn't know.

 

She seems to have all these male friends. Disclaimer: I'm female, and have always worked in male-dominated fields, so most of my friends are men. However, most of her male friends were some sort of partner at some point in time. One in particular, J, who also lives in another state, has (supposedly) never dated her, but likes her and is not shy about it. He is flying in for Christmas. To be there with her for like 10 days.

 

My friend is mad. I think it's completely inappropriate for her to be friends with J knowing he likes her, when she's (supposedly) in a R with someone else. Am I wrong?

 

So, he is going out with someone tonight "as friends" who likes him. I told him it is not really fair to this person, and we discussed emotional affairs (which he doesn't seem to think are real?)

 

I say, if J comes- that's a deal breaker. And if he can't tolerate him being here, he needs to look at his own relationship. He admits to seeing this friend woman because he needs validation she's not giving him. So WHY stay together? It's so obvious!

 

Also...he and the woman used to date about 10-15 years ago, when they both lived in this state. Recently she admitted to seeing other people when he was at work. His response? I don't know if I believe her.

 

I feel like there's no saving him, he's just going to do what he wants.

 

One of my other issues, btw...I have very codependent friends! Whose relationships with me aren't always healthy...