Friend/coworker made a comment today that I didn't like

[Teknoe]

I felt it was uncalled for, and even felt like she was being a bit judgmental/snobby. But it is what it is. I think it just reminds me to pull back on my interaction with her. Yes, this is the same lady who I wrote about in my last topic on this sub-forum.

 

So we're teachers. Yesterday I wanted to catch Game 7, but my workout class is at 8 PM. That would mean I would miss the end of the game, which I didn't want. So I opted to attend the 4 PM class. School lets out at 3:30 though, which meant if I stayed all the way through, I wouldn't be able to attend the 4 PM class. Sure I could still make the 5 PM class but this is Game 7 and I wanted to catch it as much as I could.

 

At 2:30 my students had a special prep class. I asked the prep teacher earlier that morning if she was cool walking them out to the curb right after. She was totally cool with it.

 

There were no staff meetings after school.

 

So I felt, hey, it's Game 7, I want to make the 4 PM workout, it's OK to call it an early day. Even my grade level partner understood and was like "Yeah, go have fun! You've earned it!"

 

So I texted this friend/coworker about something, and mentioned I left at 2:40. She stopped replying at that point which I found odd, because she *ALWAYS* replies. The only time she doesn't reply is when I offend her somehow.

 

So earlier today I stopped by her room at lunch just to chit chat. I asked if she saw the game last night and she said "Yeah, but I didn't leave school early to do so." She was being serious and not sarcastic.

 

Then she dropped this little nugget on me:

 

"I actually lost a bit of respect for you."

 

What? For leaving early one time on the night of a Game 7. I was a bit shocked by her comment although I got that vibe off her not replying to my 2:40 text. Still was shocked to hear her say it though.

 

I didn't want to say something I'd regret so I just said "Yeah I got that vibe when you didn't reply" and then she said some other things and I could tell this wasn't a sarcastic joke but that she meant she really lost a bit of respect for me. I told her well I did want to make the 4 PM class and not the 8 PM gym class so that's the main reason why I left early. She didn't know that piece of info, but she still acted like I committed a sin to leave my post (so to speak) when I had another coworker happily covering for me the 15 minutes it takes to do curbside (where parents pick up students).

 

I'm not saying what I did is a shining example of the word "honorable" but it was Game 7, we had no meetings, my coworker happily agreed so I don't see where the beef is.

 

I told a mutual friend (no longer working at the school) and she told me to not read into it. That the comment was probably spurred off her being a bit jealous that she didn't/couldn't leave early like I did. I don't know.

 

All I know is, this latest interaction gives me a good reminder to keep my personal life a bit more private around her, as she does tend to cast judgment and stones my way. Like I said in the past, we do have a brother sister dynamic relationship. It just irks me that I "have to walk around eggshells" around her because she's easily offended. From now on I will be strictly more professional with her than buddy buddy.

 

Anyway, just venting/sharing. Feel free to add your two cents. The few people I've shared this with in real life already told me I did nothing to be in the wrong here and that she was probably having a bad day when she made that undesirable remark to me. It just shocked me that she turned it into one of those serious "I lost some respect for you" moments. It was disappointing, and it hurt to hear that. I honestly don't think what I did warranted her to lose respect for me, but it is what it is.

[Els]

Is it normal for people to leave early in your job? Do many of your colleagues do the same thing?

[Teknoe]

Is it normal for people to leave early in your job? Do many of your colleagues do the same thing?

 

Everyone is different. We have teachers who leave right away and some that stay until 6. I typically leave at 5.

[VeveCakes]

She sounds like a jealous judgemental *....

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xxoo]

That's just weird.

 

Consider the source and disregard. My guess is, she's miserable and looks for ways to stir up drama.

 

I'd probably respond with something like, "Never knew you had respect for me"

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe she wanted to leave early herself, but decided that it would be a douche move if she had - and now she's projecting that judgement onto you. I'd just shake it off.

 

In the context of your other thread about her, I gather that there is some tension in your relationship. She got touchy about what you said, and now she's getting a retaliatory jab back at you. Maybe just forget about both of these incidents and just try to get back on a positive footing with her.

[SpiralOut]

That's a really weird thing for her to say. Good call on your part to reduce contact with her.

[Satu]

She doesn't like you, and I don't think you like her either.

 

She's passive aggressive and you're becoming defensive.

 

Maintain the minimum necessary contact about work, and distance yourself from her as much as possible.

 

 

Take care.

[Teknoe]

I was talking to a trusted friend about this. As I was talking with my friend it hit me. Maybe my coworker misinterpreted that I had someone cover my last 40 minutes for me in the classroom. In reality they were at a specials class, with another instructor. I decided to email my coworker and let her know that:

 

1. Her comment hurt my feelings (I stated she has a right to her opinion)

2. I wanted her to know the facts (the specials teacher had my students for their normal specials time slot)

 

She replied and stated

 

"I am sorry that your feelings got hurt, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I know what you meant. I know your students were in their normal specials time slot. I know the specials teacher covered your car line. We take care of each other, I get it. But where I lost respect for you is that you went to the gym. Is going to the gym so important that you had to leave your job? I get that it's called our "prep time" but aren't there times in which we get called because some type of emergency with one of our students? Now I know that we all have different convictions and maybe in your book going to the gym is on the same level as going to a doctor's appointment. But for me, my conviction is that going to the gym is recreational. It's on the same level as getting my hair or nails done. Would I love to leave school and do that, yes of course but those things can wait until after school. But like I said each to their own. What's done is done. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. Don't let what I say or think matter any more than you want it to. I just felt that as your sister in Christ I had to say something to you about your decision."

 

My thoughts to her email reply?

 

1. She's being quite judgmental. Like, I get her points and all, but what's up with the holier than thou attitude?

 

2. It's interesting that her email says "I lost respect for you because you left to the gym." When we talked this past Thursday I asked if she watched Game 7 and she said "Yeah, but I didn't have to leave work early to do so." It was a direct shot at me, and then she said she lost respect for me. It was after that that I told her I left to make a 4 PM gym class. So she lost respect for me prior to me telling her about the gym, but her email makes it about the gym. Can't help but feel it's a bit of backtracking on her part to point something out other than "I just didn't like that you left early when you were still on the clock."

 

3. This changes my "friendship" with her for sure. I'll still be professional, but I think gone are the days of heading to her room after school to chat 1 on 1, as well as friendly platonic text messages initiated on my part. From now on it's strictly school business. I feel like her actions here shows her true colors, and she's not really a friend. She is someone I asked out 2 years ago, she gave me the just friends speech, and ever since then it's been a friendship where I initiate 90% of the interaction. I don't think she's healthy for me because she's quick to act petty toward me when I don't act petty to her. She creates a lot of drama off the smallest things and it's worn me out to the point that I don't think this friendship is working out anymore.

 

I still can't believe she was THAT offended to say she lost respect for me. Oh well. if anything, this speaks more about her than it does about me.

[Satu]

Refer to my previous.

[xxoo]

I feel like her actions here shows her true colors, and she's not really a friend. She is someone I asked out 2 years ago, she gave me the just friends speech, and ever since then it's been a friendship where I initiate 90% of the interaction..

 

When women say "just friends", it's usually a gentle let down and not a genuine desire for friendship. Unless you were genuinely friends beforehand, of course.

 

If you were initiating 90% of the interaction, that was another sign that she isn't very interested in the friendship. Maybe she's just getting blunter so that you'll get the hint.

[Art_Critic]

No reply is needed for her email to you and if you do reply then this is going to snowball passed the drama that it already is to the unbelievable drama that it will be..

 

I can't believe this is even being discussed between two adults, the only person you have to worry about is your boss, what your coworker thinks of your performance is inconsequential..

 

Just let this go... it will blow over and who cares if she really has lost respect for you, that seems to be her issue not yours.

[Teknoe]

No reply is needed for her email to you and if you do reply then this is going to snowball passed the drama that it already is to the unbelievable drama that it will be..

 

I can't believe this is even being discussed between two adults, the only person you have to worry about is your boss, what your coworker thinks of your performance is inconsequential..

 

Just let this go... it will blow over and who cares if she really has lost respect for you, that seems to be her issue not yours.

 

Yeah I didn't reply and am moving on. Will be professional but no more buddy buddy.

[Teknoe]

When women say "just friends", it's usually a gentle let down and not a genuine desire for friendship. Unless you were genuinely friends beforehand, of course.

 

If you were initiating 90% of the interaction, that was another sign that she isn't very interested in the friendship. Maybe she's just getting blunter so that you'll get the hint.

 

I get what you're saying but I truly believe this not to be the case.

 

She and I were pretty solid friends before I asked her out. I also know that a mutual colleague told me she told her that she really likes me as a friend, and isn't sure she wants to risk losing the friendship.

 

I think this is a good thing though. It draws the line in the sand for me and reminds me to protect myself and enforce healthy boundaries.

[Teknoe]

I'm glad I speak to a trusted friend about my experiences with this coworker, who let's call her Tiffany. So because I speak to my friend about Tiffany, I have it on record. I just searched Tiffany and wow. Just wow. How did I put up with her disrespect? The rest of 2016 is dedicated to respecting myself and not putting up with other people's BS.

 

Incident 1: I shared with her a personal story about another colleague. Tiff accidentally slipped and told this other colleague about my conversation with Tiff, and it offended this other coworker. Tiff did apologize but she did it in a very "by the way" sort of way. And she acted like it wasn't THAT big a deal. Oh man, reading that back makes me laugh. If the shoes were flipped, she would have flipped out at me. How convenient when she makes the mistake she minimizes it.

 

Incident 2: She was complaining at lunch one day about a problem with a student. Her grade level partner gave her a suggestion. And I said "Good job Beth. Way to solve problems" (note: we learned sign language earlier that week about "solve problems" which is a school wide mantra). So Tiff flips out and says "Thanks for making me feel like I don't know what I'm doing." I was like "What?" And she replied "Stop. I seriously want to slap you right now." No joke. Serious as can be. WOW. How did I put up with that? That's just crazy. She's got some issues!

 

There's more but I'm tired of writing it. I just know I'm happy this happened so I can stop for good pretending like our friendship was something semi-special.

 

Good riddance!

Edited November 9, 2016 by Teknoe

[letmoc]

This sounds like a whole lot of sexual tension.

[Teknoe]

Update: been a little over a month later and as I suspected, our "friendship" won't ever be the same ever again. I haven't texted her in over a month, nor has she texted me. I used to text her weekly, sometimes A LOT, and I admit this was unhealthy of me to do. I think I saw her as a closer friend than what she really was. She didn't hate me, but there was a lot of passive aggressiveness on her part throughout the past year and I think this leaving work early episode was her tipping point of "laying it in" on me.

 

But now I try to maintain professionalism around her but find it somewhat difficult. She is really cold around me, barely makes eye contact and doesn't even have the courtesy to say hi. It's not keeping me up at night, but it definitely weighs on me a bit whenever I'm driving to work knowing it's going to be a bit awkward around her. Right now I'm just trying to focus on doing the best job I can and "not shrinking" in her presence.

 

And I guess in hindsight we weren't nearly as good friend as I once assumed us to be.

 

---

 

Edit: More details below. So as you may recall, I recently posted about a coworker who I thought was a pretty good friend. We texted throughout the week although admittedly I initiated the texts most of the time -- still, she would always respond and ask me stuff back so we'd end up texting back and forth throughout any given week. However, she told me she lost a bit of respect for me because I left work early to go to the gym (even though I had my students covered she acted like I committed a bigger sin than what I did). Anyway, it's been about a month since and our relationship has completely changed.

 

No more texting (good riddance), no more dropping by her room to chat, etc. However, she barely makes eye contact anymore and doesn't even have the professional courtesy to greet me anymore. I just find the whole thing funny, and I so hate it when Christians throw holier-than-thou stuff in your face as end it by saying "Your sister in Christ" or "Your brother in Christ." But they only use that to work their angles. They suddenly don't act so Sister in Christ-like any other time. It's a pet peeve of mine. Don't hide behind religion. Just come out and say what you got to say.

 

So anyway, I'm not losing sleep over it, but it does affect me. Naturally. How can it not? Not to the point where I no longer enjoy coming to work, but there is a cloud of tension between me and her that I can feel. Like a bad spirit/aura whenever I'm around her. I was talking to my friend the other night about this whole situation and we came to the conclusion that this coworker really does treat me like I'm an ex boyfriend. Meaning, for w/e reasons she holds me to incredibly high standards but is constantly looking for the smallest reasons to throw shade at me, or try to belittle me. We never even dated, lol. Yeah, I understanding asking her out in early 2015 changed the dynamic of our friendship forever (she's kind of had the power ever since) which is a lesson I've learned (don't crap where you eat).

 

Anyway, just looking for some words of wisdom from you guys who may have been down a similar path. Do I greet her good morning when I bump into her or should I wait for her to initiate? Today we were in the same hallway and she didn't even acknowledge me. I didn't say hi or anything myself because the other day I said good morning and was met with nothing but coldness.

 

I guess, besides general tips on how to best handle this, when does this go from a "just gotta eat it and put your big boy pants on -- don't be too sensitive" to "OK, this crosses a professional boundary and I need to call her out on her crap" ? I'm naturally not confrontational, but my friend told me that I should call her out the next time she is rude to me, or passive aggressive. For example, if we're in a group setting and she talks down to me for no reason at all, my friend suggests I could ask the group, or just put the thought out there "Whoa, that tone seemed a little unnecessary..." just so she knows she can't walk over me and get away with it.

 

Open to feedback, dos, don'ts and stories of similar situations. Thanks in advance. Right now I'm letting everything roll off my back, but there's another part of me that wants to put her in her place the next time she tries to pull off that passive aggressive crap. I just rather ignore her and not make this drama any bigger than it needs to be. But when does pride and self respect kick in vs. keep brushing it off?

Edited December 7, 2016 by Teknoe

[clia]

I think you are vastly overthinking this and have spent way too much time worrying about it. You are acting like she is your ex-girlfriend and the two of you broke up.

 

I don't see any reason for you to act anything other than normal around her. Yes, if you pass her, say "Good morning" if you want. Don't worry about who should initiate. Treat her like you would treat any other coworker. If she chooses not to respond, so what? There's no law that coworkers have to greet each other whenever they see each other. She obviously doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, so just let it go. If you decide you don't want to bother greeting her anymore, then do that. Who cares? I can assure you that she's not worrying about this the way you are.

 

I guess, besides general tips on how to best handle this, when does this go from a "just gotta eat it and put your big boy pants on -- don't be too sensitive" to "OK, this crosses a professional boundary and I need to call her out on her crap" ? I'm naturally not confrontational, but my friend told me that I should call her out the next time she is rude to me, or passive aggressive. For example, if we're in a group setting and she talks down to me for no reason at all, my friend suggests I could ask the group, or just put the thought out there "Whoa, that tone seemed a little unnecessary..." just so she knows she can't walk over me and get away with it.

 

Again, treat her like you would treat anyone else. If she says something rude to you, it's fine to call her out on it if you think that's the appropriate response, in the same way you would call out any other coworker who said something rude to you. However, it's worth considering whether you are being overly sensitive about her comments toward you given your past crush on her and all of this other stuff that is going on. Honestly, I would probably just ignore it if I were you, given that you have to work together.

[Els]

Teknoe, why is she still taking up so much of your headspace?

[Teknoe]

Teknoe, why is she still taking up so much of your headspace?

 

Because I see her 5 days of the week lol. It's not as easy as ignore it when you are being mistreated and feel a cloud of tension with someone. I try my best not to let it affect me -- venting here helps. I am doing my best to move on but it takes time to adjust from massive contact to zero contact + undisclosed uncomfortable tension.

[losangelena]

Don't call her out, jesus. That just perpetuates drama, because she's shown you already that if anything, she loves drama (though I get the feeling you do, too ...).

 

Let her be her pious self. Show her it doesn't effect you by ignoring her, and concentrate on all the positive interactions in your life. Maybe eventually she'll do the same.

[Teknoe]

I think you are vastly overthinking this and have spent way too much time worrying about it. You are acting like she is your ex-girlfriend and the two of you broke up.

 

I don't see any reason for you to act anything other than normal around her. Yes, if you pass her, say "Good morning" if you want. Don't worry about who should initiate. Treat her like you would treat any other coworker. If she chooses not to respond, so what? There's no law that coworkers have to greet each other whenever they see each other. She obviously doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, so just let it go. If you decide you don't want to bother greeting her anymore, then do that. Who cares? I can assure you that she's not worrying about this the way you are.

 

Again, treat her like you would treat anyone else. If she says something rude to you, it's fine to call her out on it if you think that's the appropriate response, in the same way you would call out any other coworker who said something rude to you. However, it's worth considering whether you are being overly sensitive about her comments toward you given your past crush on her and all of this other stuff that is going on. Honestly, I would probably just ignore it if I were you, given that you have to work together.

 

I might be (overthinking this). But it's still relatively new to me, so it's going to take me another week or two to process all of this. Yes, I am trying to treat her the same, however, today she came into the lunch room and it was just me and another girl. She said hi to the girl and literally ignored me completely, pretty much. She acted like I wasn't there. How do you "treat her like normal" when she is so blatantly disrespectful and willfully ignoring you like such?

 

Don't call her out, jesus. That just perpetuates drama, because she's shown you already that if anything, she loves drama (though I get the feeling you do, too ...).

 

Let her be her pious self. Show her it doesn't effect you by ignoring her, and concentrate on all the positive interactions in your life. Maybe eventually she'll do the same.

 

I can see that POV as well. But I think there's something to be said for standing up for yourself if someone is constantly trying to belittle you, or take cheap shots at you. At what point do you stand up for yourself and call her out on it? Perpetuates drama, or squashes it because you show her you have a spine and won't take to being stepped on unnecessarily from now on?I think an argument could be made for either side.

[Teknoe]

Don't call her out, jesus. That just perpetuates drama, because she's shown you already that if anything, she loves drama

 

I don't know if she'd love drama though if others get brought into the fold. I think she likes to take these cheap shots at me as a way of making herself feel better in the process. But if I said something like "That was a little unnecessary, no?" to the group after she says something snide or condescending then it forces her to go "Uh oh, he's standing up for himself and my reputation could be at risk here for being unnecessarily unprofessional."

 

I would never call her out one on one, as I doubt she'd take it well, no matter how well my statement is. However, in a group setting, she would be forced to step back and re-evaluate how she treats me, whether subconsciously or not. That's the point my friend was making to me over the phone call, and I have to agree with her POV. At some point you need to stand up for yourself. No one has the right to belittle you unnecessarily in the work environment.

[SpiralOut]

She acted like I wasn't there. How do you "treat her like normal" when she is so blatantly disrespectful and willfully ignoring you like such?

 

Aside from giving you the cold shoulder, what else is she doing right now that you consider to be disrespectful?

[Teknoe]

Aside from giving you the cold shoulder, what else is she doing right now that you consider to be disrespectful?

 

Last week she came into the lunch room where it was me and a few other colleagues. There was a cake on the table and she asked "Who brought this?"

 

I replied, "Perhaps Lilly?"

 

And she shot me a mean glare and said in an annoyed tone, "NO, Lilly brought the donuts."

 

It was unnecessary and definitely rude. One of my colleagues later told me that that seemed a bit out of line and that I was being disrespected. I also know if ANYONE ELSE said the same thing, "Perhaps Lilly?" that she wouldn't have snapped at them like how she did at me.

 

You had to be there to see her face and hear her tone. It was ugly.

 

BTW, to put this in perspective: imagine going from inside jokes, hearty laughs and deep sharing of stories to a complete 180 -- zero jokes, mean subtle looks or in most cases, zero eye contact and basically zero communication. That's why it's occupying some head space right now. It's such a drastic 180 that it's going to take another week or two to adjust to.