Friend/coworker made a comment today that I didn't like

[SpiralOut]

Ah, okay. I've dealt with that sort of attitude from a colleague at work. She was a miserable person, and she seemed to have a special hate-on for me.

 

Unless this woman is speaking directly to you, don't respond to anything she says. If she ignores you when you say hello, try not to take it personally. If you decide to stand up for yourself when she's rude, that's fine. Just make sure to not sink to her level; don't give her anything that she can use against you.

 

It's a good sign that your colleagues are noticing her behaviour and commenting on it. Talk to other people at work instead and just forget about her.

Edited December 9, 2016 by SpiralOut

[ChatroomHero]

I can think of a couple of similar situations have been in. I tend to be pretty quick with responses and I do enjoy throwing them back. Usually the other person will back down quickly or apologize and say you misunderstood. It's temporarily satisfying but it won't change their behavior.

 

 

I have a temper that I'll hide for a while. I'll call them on their BS after a while, you get a short reprieve, they start again and then I basically ask if they want to settle it once and for all. Honestly all that really comes of it is they act like they were the nicest people on earth when you call them on it and challenge them to put it to a stop, but it always comes back. Many people might back you in private, but if you do it in a group they'll usually act like you are both wrong to avoid conflict.

 

 

I think your best route if you like your job and you'll be around her for a long time is basically act like it doesn't register with you. When she snaps at you like, "No, Lilly brought the donuts!" you can always say, "Oh, I didn't see her bring the donuts. Maybe she brought the cake too, Lilly is my new favorite person because she brings donuts and cake!" and just laugh it off. She will probably get frustrated and continue to 'dislike' you and smack talk about you to co-workers, but they will know how you are and they will know how she is and know the truth.

[Survivor12]

You know that she doesn't want to talk to you. In a recent post you even said that she blatantly disregarded your presence--so why do you continue to try to initiate a conversation with her? There was absolutely no reason for you to respond to her question, particularly since you didn't know the answer but only guessed. Besides, there were other people who could have answered.

 

You claim that she has disrespected you. Perhaps she has, but by refusing to respect her desire not to engage with you, you are disrespecting her, too. Forget about calling her out on how she's treated you. Doing that in front of an audience is disrespectful to your co-workers and will not likely have the result you're looking for.

 

Look, I'm not disputing your position that she has treated you poorly. I believe that you feel that she has. Unfortunately, she doesn't agree or doesn't care.

 

Leave her alone. Stop trying to get her to talk to you. When she walks into a room, continue whatever you were doing. If you pass her in the hall (or wherever) keep on walking. If she says hello, return the greeting--but do not take it as an invitation to talk. Unless she asks you a question directly, do not answer. If you know the answer, answer. If not, say you don't know.

 

This is not a game. It's simply a matter of maintaining cordial professionalism.

 

Anything else is setting yourself up for more frustration & aggravation.

 

Good luck

[Teknoe]

Yeah, I decided to not stoop to her level. I'll be professional and cordial. I won't ignore her on purpose, but I won't go out of my way to talk to her either.

 

Well, last Friday we had our first nice "normal" interaction since the incident.

 

I walked into the copier room and she was there alone. We were basically forced to make some small talk. She brought breakfast that morning and said

 

"Hey I noticed you left breakfast early with two plates. Really liked it huh?"

 

"Haha, I did but actually the reason I got two plates was because one was for Judy."

 

Note: Judy is a colleague who lives right off campus in a housing unit my school runs. Her body is aching and so she has been off work all week. Judy and I texted earlier that morning that I could drop breakfast off for her.

 

My coworker actually put her hand on my shoulder, lol. It was a nice sign of affection/respect after everything that has gone down.

 

I guess she saw my heart in that instant? I don't know. But she thought what I did was sweet.

 

We made some small talk and then she left with her copies. It was a nice moment but it doesn't change the fact that the friendship will never be like it once was. No more texting like crazy and no more after school visits.

 

But Friday's interaction was certainly encouraging to me that maybe she's letting go of whatever judgments she's holding over me for w/e reason.

[LargoLagg]

It sounds a lot more like Lucy teeing up the football, Charlie Brown.

[Teknoe]

It sounds a lot more like Lucy teeing up the football, Charlie Brown.

 

I'm familiar with the Peanuts characters, but this idiom escapes me. Care to elaborate?

 

FTR, I don't think she has a crush on me whatsoever, or that any of this is due to any sort of sexual tension, lol. She rejected me in early 2015 when I asked her out. If she ever changed her mind about dating me at any point then surely she would have made it clear.

 

I think I simply shared too much with her, and when you spend 5 days out of the week with someone, some issue is bound to crop up sooner or later.

 

Usually, good friends can reassess a situation properly and carry on with the friendship. But in hindsight it was clear I was more invested in the friendship and so, I'm happy ending it for all intents and purposes.

 

Working on controlling my boundaries and not giving anyone my "heart" so to speak so easily.

[Teknoe]

Update: We got on speaking/friendly terms again. Even started texting once in a while.

 

However, Friday set the "friendship" back. I came into her work space trying to bless her. She had been going through some stuff and a mutual friend of ours told me to tell her an anecdote that might shed wisdom on her situation. I came with the intent to do that. By the end of the convo, it turned awkward because the gym issue got brought up and I said "I thought we hashed that out." She said she didn't think so because in her words "You got butt hurt and have been avoiding me ever since."

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

So fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

I don't need to be friends with this person any more. Professional, yes. Always. But never am I going out of my way to talk with her again.

 

I still can't believe she used the word "butt hurt." If she was really about hashing things out, then she wouldn't have invalidated my feelings as such. A simple "Did my comment bother you that much?" would have been a nice way to start the conversation/hash out. You don't say to someone "You got butt hurt and avoided me."

[Miss Clavel]

why, for the love of god, didn't you just skip the gym!!??

 

go to her and tell her that taking time for both the gym and the game was kinda greedy. own it. drop it. move on.

[dispatch3d]

Yeah I would just distance myself, she's being pretty unreasonable.

 

I also wouldn't have left work early but anyhow.

[La Trese]

Update: We got on speaking/friendly terms again. Even started texting once in a while.

 

However, Friday set the "friendship" back. I came into her work space trying to bless her. She had been going through some stuff and a mutual friend of ours told me to tell her an anecdote that might shed wisdom on her situation. I came with the intent to do that. By the end of the convo, it turned awkward because the gym issue got brought up and I said "I thought we hashed that out." She said she didn't think so because in her words "You got butt hurt and have been avoiding me ever since."

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

So fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

I don't need to be friends with this person any more. Professional, yes. Always. But never am I going out of my way to talk with her again.

 

I still can't believe she used the word "butt hurt." If she was really about hashing things out, then she wouldn't have invalidated my feelings as such. A simple "Did my comment bother you that much?" would have been a nice way to start the conversation/hash out. You don't say to someone "You got butt hurt and avoided me."

Bro i've been in your shoes and i've learned the hard way: if someone constantly disrespects you and throw passive agressive insults at you, even if sometimes they are nice its NOT worth it, run far away. Don't avoid her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her. A quick nod when you see her to show you aren't mad but don't engage in small talk. If she talks to you be polite but don't ask open ended questions. Don't respond to her unless she is talking to you directly. If she says something to put you down in front of other co workers when you weren't talking to her, come with a comeback.

[Teknoe]

Just a quick update on the situation. The one year anniversary of the "incident" passed recently (see first post) and Stranger Things 2 got it right. It's funny how the one year mark can trigger flashback memories.

 

I've been at a new better job since August, so thank goodness I've been able to split from her. She still reaches out on text once in a while, but this past weekend I was reading a post about a girl's BF teasing/bullying her and somehow it triggered me to think of my old "friend."

 

I felt a heaviness and finally did what I knew I should have done a while back: I defriended her on FB. After doing so, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. I normally don't care to defriend anyone, but this shows you how bad our "friendship" got in the past 2 years that I just had to break things off completely. She was really a bad friend to me and I took her abuse for years. It did teach me a lot though, especially now that I am in a loving relationship based on respect. That even further highlighted how badly I let this "friend" treat me. Good riddance!

[Teknoe]

Update: since deleting her from FB, my life has been so much better. She has not texted me since last summer. I'm sure she found out I defriended her, and I'm sure she understands why.

 

That whole experience with her taught me a lot about myself and life. If someone is abusing you or making you the butt of jokes, it's time to walk out and never look back.

[preraph]

She might not even have known you were gone if you hadn't said something.

[Teknoe]

She might not even have known you were gone if you hadn't said something.

 

Maybe, but I'm pretty sure she kept tabs. Last we talked, she knew I just got a new girlfriend, and I'm sure out of morbid curiosity she looked me up at some point, especially when we were texting on a daily basis prior to the fall out. FTR, she's told me in the past that she has had many issues crop up with different friends. Where there's smoke, there's fire.