Is throwing the other woman under the bus common after the affair is found out?

[shruti789]

I have been reading threads here and it seems when the married man's wife finds out about the affair, he is pinning all the blame on to the other woman?

 

Apparently she was a seductress who was chasing after him and he is the innocent victim. even though he was the one who was doing all the chasing, a different picture is painted for the wife....

 

Do the wives really believe these stories..?

 

Do most of the married men who have affairs just throw the other woman under the bus?

 

why are they doing it? is it because they don't want to deal with the blame?

[whatatangledweb]

My husband didn't. He didn't blame her or me.He put all the blame on him..

[notmyselfnow]

In my case, my WH took all the blame, however, he wanted nothing to do with the OW once I found out. He immediately (as a condition of my staying) went no contact and from what I can tell, was completely fine with that. The OW perceived that as throwing her under the bus, as she had believed they had an amazing connection. From his point of view, however, it was just sex.

 

It wasn't an issue of blame, it was that once he was faced with the reality of the affair coming to light, he realized he valued his marriage and didn't want to lose it. Perhaps he was different when he was with her, but at least my perception is that he enjoyed the way the OW idolized him, it stroked his ego, but he really didn't give a c**p about her.

[Tayla]

How they got in.. Is how they got out.

Be it male or female, the door of deception is their defense and weakness.

Those who come clean, really do carry accountability for their actions.

I find it both mind boggling and disparaging when the ow/om comes off as the victim when the end arrives.

I confronted the other person and my mate.. Then moved on with my life. I have zero tolerance for either persons justifications. I'm sure both were not thinking of my welfare.. So I returned the favor. Balance restored.

[DKT3]

The throwing under the bus thing is really the OW/MW believing her connection was stronger then his connection with his wife. He in that moment his proving where his loyalty is.

 

On the flipside MW tend to protect their MM/OM, falling on the sword if you will.

 

And yes all MM throw the OW under the bus(those that stay or want to stay in the marriage). Oh it was just sex, she meant nothing it's all tossing under since he had been telling OW/MW a totally different thing.

[Whoknew30]

Of course they do! Though it depends on how it comes to light. I confessed my A & would never have thrown OM under the bus. I caught my H & he tried the "typical" it was just sex, she's crazy. I wouldn't even let him get the words out bc of also having an A, i knew it was all bull @hit! & I wasn't going to listen.

 

In a lot of cases it's easier to stay married & a selfish person is always going to choose the better situation for themselves...it's like the saying "there is no honor among thieves"...same applys in most A.

[Whoknew30]

How they got in.. Is how they got out.

Be it male or female, the door of deception is their defense and weakness.

Those who come clean, really do carry accountability for their actions.

I find it both mind boggling and disparaging when the ow/om comes off as the victim when the end arrives.

I confronted the other person and my mate.. Then moved on with my life. I have zero tolerance for either persons justifications. I'm sure both were not thinking of my welfare.. So I returned the favor. Balance restored.

 

I saw both our AP as the victims. We stepped out of the marriage & brought these people in. I was more honest with my OM than my H with his OW but I held us both accountable 100%. Yes, they had their choice but ultimately we took upon ourselves to go after & bring these people into our lives on deceitful terms. I talked to the OW but it wasn't confrontational, we were cool & i run into her here & there...doesn't bother me at all. Maybe bc she wasn't the reason for our problems...he lied to her & I felt bad for her.

[Lillyp32]

The throwing under the bus thing is really the OW/MW believing her connection was stronger then his connection with his wife. He in that moment his proving where his loyalty is.

 

On the flipside MW tend to protect their MM/OM, falling on the sword if you will.

 

And yes all MM throw the OW under the bus(those that stay or want to stay in the marriage). Oh it was just sex, she meant nothing it's all tossing under since he had been telling OW/MW a totally different thing.

 

I never once thought my connection with exMM was stronger than the connection he had with his wife yet on dday still felt hurt and thrown under the bus. It wasn't the end of the A or the fact that he chose to reconcile that made me feel that way either. He didn't blame me for the A in his NC letter, in fact he took responsibility for most of it. What did hurt was being told that he didn't love me and never did. After 2.5 years, it was beyond hurtful.

 

I do agree that most MM throw their OW under the bus on dday if reconciling is what they're after. Depending on the length of the A im not sure I'd buy the "it was just sex" or "she didn't mean anything" lines. If my husband had thrown me those lines after his LTA, I would've been more angry and hurt that he risked everything for "just sex" with a woman that "meant nothing." It was hurtful to hear that he did fall in love with his OW and he was torn at times about leaving to be with her or staying in the marriage. Even though it was painful, I could at least understand, to an extent, why he carried on for so long. Knowing that there were real feeling for her was far better than hearing he did what he did just to get laid for 3 years.

[cocorico]

If you read here, it seems to be the norm. If you speak to friends IRL you might hear something different. Depends where you live, I suppose. These boards seem heavily skewed towards the US, so if you live in the US, this might be what you'll encounter if you ask around IRL too.

 

I'm guessing that most MM do what they need to do to stall on DDay. Unless they were preparing to disclose, and had a plan of action mapped out, chances are they're unprepared and wanting to buy time. Which in most cases means trying to keep the BW sweet while they decide whether to drop the A, end the M, or try to keep both going... or occasionally walk away from both. And, even where they had worked out a plan of action, being put on the spot before they were ready can sometimes cause them to panic and abandon the script, anyway.

 

Some OW and MM work out a plan for how to handle a DDay, which often relies on denial, followed my minimisation ("it was only EA"; "it only happened once!", etc) followed by deflection / blaming and then lying low until the BW relaxes her guard and the A can resume once more. Hence, some As having several (dozens, even) of DDays as everyone rehearses their lines and performs their parts.

 

Sometimes it sticks, other times it doesn't. But the bus scenario does seem a common trope, at least on these boards.

[DKT3]

I never once thought my connection with exMM was stronger than the connection he had with his wife yet on dday still felt hurt and thrown under the bus. It wasn't the end of the A or the fact that he chose to reconcile that made me feel that way either. He didn't blame me for the A in his NC letter, in fact he took responsibility for most of it. What did hurt was being told that he didn't love me and never did. After 2.5 years, it was beyond hurtful.

 

I do agree that most MM throw their OW under the bus on dday if reconciling is what they're after. Depending on the length of the A im not sure I'd buy the "it was just sex" or "she didn't mean anything" lines. If my husband had thrown me those lines after his LTA, I would've been more angry and hurt that he risked everything for "just sex" with a woman that "meant nothing." It was hurtful to hear that he did fall in love with his OW and he was torn at times about leaving to be with her or staying in the marriage. Even though it was painful, I could at least understand, to an extent, why he carried on for so long. Knowing that there were real feeling for her was far better than hearing he did what he did just to get laid for 3 years.

 

That's exactly how I feel, . My wife wasn't in love with the om, and it caused me alot of questions, if she was in love with him then it would make it more reasonable and understandable for me. To just put so much on the line, or did I mean so little to her that it didn't seem like a risk. I don't know, never truly will since she can't go back in time to that second feeling and thinking what she was, she can't honestly answer.

Edited November 4, 2016 by DKT3

[Whoknew30]

That's exactly how I feel, . My wife wasn't in love with the om, and it caused me alot of questions, if she was in love with him then it would make it more reasonable and understandable for me. To just put so much on the line, or did I mean so little to her that it didn't seem like a risk. I don't know, never truly will since she can't go back in time to that second feeling and thinking what she was, she can't honestly answer.

 

She can answer this...you don't just "don't know" why & how...she knows. There is really only 3 logical reasons if she wasn't in love with OM... If she confessed & "didn't know" she wanted to push a change in your marriage. If you caught her & she "didn't know" she did it thinking she'd never be caught & or she never thought about you at all why doing it (compartmentalize).

 

One doesn't forget what feelings they have during an A...she knows she's just not telling you.

[Midwestmissy]

The c/mow went directly under the bus, but my wh didn't blame her for the affair. I told him that our marriage wasn't a cage, bye bye, I can't be the reason you aren't with her - be with her, I'll be fine. That's when the tears started and his story was that that he didn't give a flying fig about her, she was meaningless and easy and told him what he wanted to hear. He was her boss and she made him feel like he was very powerful and rich. She wasn't young, she's 50 and well traveled in extramarital affairs. So when the curtain got pulled back, he wasn't the great wizard of oz, but a sobbing mess and she scurried back to her husband and went from telling my wh she was leaving her marriage to changing her mind. Who knows what was true about what they told each other, they knew each other 3 months before starting up with their 6 mo nonsense. His struggle was more about how thought of himself as so much smarter than she was and then realized she had used him as well. And when it became obvious that they hadn't been so discreet, the ridicule started within the business and that stung him.

 

To be fair, this wasn't a love affair, so there wasn't pining on his side, can't speak for her, but she didn't seem keen on losing - she kept emailing that he'd "won". There was no push pull and difficulty walking away, it didn't stand a chance in the light of day because it was not a real relationship. Not always the case with others here. But I think she may have only been emotional when she lost her job, not when she "lost" him. It's pretty skeevy, really, to blow up so much where there's no love. Pointless.

[heartwhole]

Simply choosing to be in an affair means you're almost certainly lacking in self-awareness, conflict resolution skills, emotional health, etc. So then you get caught and your wife is sitting there sobbing . . . are you going to suddenly know exactly how to own your choices? How to express your needs? Nope, you're going to blame it on the obvious person, the one who isn't there to defend herself. Because you spent the entire affair weaving a narrative that justified your terrible choices . . . you're much more likely to continue blaming external forces or other people than to start looking at yourself.

 

A few weeks after DD, my husband hit the anger stage. Maybe he would have blamed her on DD too, but I'm a very analytical person and I immediately viewed their relationship as sad and unhealthy and tried to figure out what they were each getting out of it, so there wasn't much room for him to say, "But it was all her fault!" But in his own journey, he did reach a point, once the love bubble had burst, that he felt angry at her. He felt that she had misled him when she claimed to care about him but instead encouraged him to blow up his life. I was just like, "Are you kidding? This is not HER fault." I was not in a place to help him process those feelings, but I had enough emotional sense to realize that they were simply a defense mechanism to avoid doing the hard work on himself.

 

I mean, I do believe that she fed his view of himself as a victim who deserved better, and that her goal was to get him to leave me and for them to be together. I know she told him she was falling in love with him when all he'd done was flirt "innocently" as a gregarious ENFP tends to do. I do believe that he did not seek an affair and might well have never had one if a low point in our marriage hadn't matched up perfectly with the opportunity.

 

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS. Who cares how hard she pursued him, or how much she encouraged him to cheat? None of that makes his choices OK. The affair was a symptom of the areas where he hadn't done enough maturing. The blame does not lie with the woman who happened to come along at the wrong time, because it could have been anyone. As I've come to learn, there are a lot of people who make senseless, destructive choices. They're out there, and their existence should not threaten our marriages.

 

But is it any surprise that a WH will throw the OW under the bus? No. He's been a lying, deflecting cheater all this time. Why would he spare the OW from that when he didn't spare the BW?

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It should never surprise you when someone treats you the same way you've seen them treat others.

[aileD]

My H didn't throw her under the bus with me.... but when he was in the affair she had no flaws, now that he's back with me I'm hearing more of what her flaws are from him....maybe that's just finally seeing it in a different light.

 

What my husband did do was future fake (in his mind it wasn't fake) with her to the point of her giving up her lease, turning her back on her family and religion, and putting her 20 year life and school on hold because my husband kept telling her he was going to leave and they would need a bigger apartment and all that.

 

So she made huge sacrifices for him. When he finally admitted to her he wasn't leaving, she was living in her car. And that's when he started NC.

 

So he never really threw her under the bus with me....he did that to her himself.

 

And to give you an idea of how the MM mind works....for awhile he knew he was flip flopping between her and coming back to our marriage...since she was living in her car and he felt protective and responsible. And kept telling me that he couldn't leave her right now, it was unsafe, etc.

 

But once he made up his mind that he was leaving her and coming back home....none of that protection stuff matttered. He left her living in her car. I asked him about this and he said, "once I knew for clear in my mind what my decision was, there was no need to stay one more day with her".

 

So when the prev poster said it's more a misunderstanding on OW part as to their "place" in the triangle....that's sort of right. OW feels thrown under the bus but they chose to take the ride knowing it wasn't their bus. Or some better analogy lol

 

If you choose to get involved with a married man, you need to be realistic that you are not going to come first. You may think you're first until the wife finds out, but his priorities were clear from the beginning---because if he intended to leave his wife he would have done so before he met you.

 

It's sad and unfair but that is the reality for most OW.

[wmacbride]

In the end, does it really matter? If the mm/mw decides that the marriage is what they want, the so be it.

 

I don't like the idea of badmouthing someone, or of someone lying at all, but I have to admit I find it ironic that some ow/om would be upset about the mm/mw lying to their spouse about how the A happened. Why is this not okay, but if it was okay to outright lie about or badmouth their spouse to the ow/om.

 

( I know, I know,not all mm/me do this)

[Whoknew30]

In the end, does it really matter? If the mm/mw decides that the marriage is what they want, the so be it.

 

I don't like the idea of badmouthing someone, or of someone lying at all, but I have to admit I find it ironic that some ow/om would be upset about the mm/mw lying to their spouse about how the A happened. Why is this not okay, but if it was okay to outright lie about or badmouth their spouse to the ow/om.

 

( I know, I know,not all mm/me do this)

 

They'd be upset bc it's throwing them under the bus & not taking responsibility...just as the BS is upset that the WS lied about how awful they are to AP.

 

Both instances the WS threw both the BS & AP under the bus.

[Whoknew30]

My H didn't throw her under the bus with me.... but when he was in the affair she had no flaws, now that he's back with me I'm hearing more of what her flaws are from him....maybe that's just finally seeing it in a different light.

 

What my husband did do was future fake (in his mind it wasn't fake) with her to the point of her giving up her lease, turning her back on her family and religion, and putting her 20 year life and school on hold because my husband kept telling her he was going to leave and they would need a bigger apartment and all that.

 

So she made huge sacrifices for him. When he finally admitted to her he wasn't leaving, she was living in her car. And that's when he started NC.

 

So he never really threw her under the bus with me....he did that to her himself.

 

And to give you an idea of how the MM mind works....for awhile he knew he was flip flopping between her and coming back to our marriage...since she was living in her car and he felt protective and responsible. And kept telling me that he couldn't leave her right now, it was unsafe, etc.

 

But once he made up his mind that he was leaving her and coming back home....none of that protection stuff matttered. He left her living in her car. I asked him about this and he said, "once I knew for clear in my mind what my decision was, there was no need to stay one more day with her".

 

So when the prev poster said it's more a misunderstanding on OW part as to their "place" in the triangle....that's sort of right. OW feels thrown under the bus but they chose to take the ride knowing it wasn't their bus. Or some better analogy lol

 

If you choose to get involved with a married man, you need to be realistic that you are not going to come first. You may think you're first until the wife finds out, but his priorities were clear from the beginning---because if he intended to leave his wife he would have done so before he met you.

 

It's sad and unfair but that is the reality for most OW.

 

Honestly, most married men minds don't work to the degree of what you just explained. I grew up around tons of cheating men & not one of them would let it get to that point...that's not throwing someone under the bus, that's just plain evil to what he did to OW & you.

[Lillyp32]

In the end, does it really matter? If the mm/mw decides that the marriage is what they want, the so be it.

 

I don't like the idea of badmouthing someone, or of someone lying at all, but I have to admit I find it ironic that some ow/om would be upset about the mm/mw lying to their spouse about how the A happened. Why is this not okay, but if it was okay to outright lie about or badmouth their spouse to the ow/om.

 

( I know, I know,not all mm/me do this)

 

I think that when the badmouthing is happening in some A's, the ow/om believe everything the mm/mw is telling them so when dday happens they are shocked that their AP threw them under the bus when their BS was so "bad", especially if there was future faking. I believe that badmouthing the BS and future faking go hand in hand. That's just a guess on my part though. In my A Exmm didn't bad mouth his BS. He would bring up that they weren't getting along here and there but never bad mouth her. I complained a lot about my husband but my marriage was abusive so the things I said were true. We didn't do the future faking either which is why I believe the A ending on dday wasn't what crushed me.

[aileD]

He'll throw the OW under the bus just as fast as he threw the wife under the bus when he wanted to get in OW's pants.

 

Why are OW surprised? You know they're capable of it. They did it to get to you.

 

Problem is people thinking they're "special","soul mates" and "star crossed lovers"

 

Nope. Just ordinary, run of the mill, affair partner. OW is just the one that said yes when others said "no thank you you're married"

[Lillyp32]

He'll throw the OW under the bus just as fast as he threw the wife under the bus when he wanted to get in OW's pants.

 

Why are OW surprised? You know they're capable of it. They did it to get to you.

 

Problem is people thinking they're "special","soul mates" and "star crossed lovers"

 

Nope. Just ordinary, run of the mill, affair partner. OW is just the one that said yes when others said "no thank you you're married"

 

I'm not sure I agree with this. You're assuming that all MM are out looking for a a person to have an A with. I don't think we can lump everyone person who has an A into that category. I also don't believe that every affair has the "star crossed lovers/soul mate/we're special" aspect to it. Mine didn't. Not even close. We also can't put every A into the same category. They're all different, just like the people who have them are all different.

[Whoknew30]

He'll throw the OW under the bus just as fast as he threw the wife under the bus when he wanted to get in OW's pants.

 

Why are OW surprised? You know they're capable of it. They did it to get to you.

 

Problem is people thinking they're "special","soul mates" and "star crossed lovers"

 

Nope. Just ordinary, run of the mill, affair partner. OW is just the one that said yes when others said "no thank you you're married"

 

A WS can only throw a AP under the bus if the BS allows it...in a ordinary circumstance. My H didn't bc I didn't allow him to...as in the circumstance in your speaking, goes way beyond it...that wasn't just words, it was major emotionally & mentally abusive to everyone involved...goes beyond what the OP question is/was.

[Arieswoman]

Corico #9 nails it here;

 

I'm guessing that most MM do what they need to do to stall on DDay. Unless they were preparing to disclose, and had a plan of action mapped out, chances are they're unprepared and wanting to buy time. Which in most cases means trying to keep the BW sweet while they decide whether to drop the A, end the M, or try to keep both going... or occasionally walk away from both. And, even where they had worked out a plan of action, being put on the spot before they were ready can sometimes cause them to panic and abandon the script, anyway.

 

At least that's pretty much how it was for me

 

When DD came WS professed undying love for AP.

 

When the divorce papers arrived a week later he ran out of the house shouting "I won't let you divorce me!".

 

Another week later I hadn't spoken to him, had moved out into the spare room, done no laundry, cooking or cleaning. By then, I think he realised he was in deep do-do.

He then told me he'd finished with her.

I said that was too bad because I needed her to sign the papers.

 

Two weeks later he's moved out and she's signed the papers. She then dumped him.

 

A long time afterwards I found out that he hadn't actually finished with her, just said that he couldn't see her for a while as it "was difficult".

 

So he was just trying to do some "damage limitation" in order to continue his cake-eating.

[DKT3]

She can answer this...you don't just "don't know" why & how...she knows. There is really only 3 logical reasons if she wasn't in love with OM... If she confessed & "didn't know" she wanted to push a change in your marriage. If you caught her & she "didn't know" she did it thinking she'd never be caught & or she never thought about you at all why doing it (compartmentalize).

 

One doesn't forget what feelings they have during an A...she knows she's just not telling you.

 

Sure you forget, we see married women do it here everyday.

 

Nah she can't reproduce the exact environment to give an honest answer. Just as one suppressed feeling that allows them to enter into affairs. She is adamant about not being in love, she knows how I feel and honestly it's would have been easier for me to accept knowing she was in love with him. It was scary and really kept me from truly engaging because if it wasn't love then she would/could do it again fairly easy with minimal attention.

 

Luckily, through her actions and attitude along with continued maintenance what she felt then is no longer an issue for me, she is here now 100% present.

[Chica80]

That's exactly how I feel, . My wife wasn't in love with the om, and it caused me alot of questions, if she was in love with him then it would make it more reasonable and understandable for me. To just put so much on the line, or did I mean so little to her that it didn't seem like a risk. I don't know, never truly will since she can't go back in time to that second feeling and thinking what she was, she can't honestly answer.

 

 

She either does know and won't tell you because she thinks it will be too painful... or doesn't consciously know and doesn't want to explore any further because she has chosen to move on and wants to forget and put behind her.

[aileD]

I guess what I was trying to say is....when the MM gets into the affair most times is with lots of "my wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex, my wife is cold, Etc.". They throw the wife under the bus when theyre trying to get with the AP.

 

So why is AP surprised when they do the same thing to her? "She pursued me, she threatened me she'd tell so I had to keep seeing her, etc"

 

He does the same thing to both of us.

Edited November 4, 2016 by aileD