Is throwing the other woman under the bus common after the affair is found out?

[Whoknew30]

I guess what I was trying to say is....when the MM gets into the affair most times is with lots of "my wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex, my wife is cold, Etc.". They throw the wife under the bus when theyre trying to get with the AP.

 

So why is AP surprised when they do the same thing to her? "She pursued me, she threatened me she'd tell so I had to keep seeing her, etc"

 

He does the same thing to both of us.

 

Honestly, bc by the BW usually believes it & then the AP is not only dumped but now knows he's a real liar...it's all unveiled at once. Though a AP wether man or woman should look at it for what it really is...they get to walk away scot free from a piece of @hit & move on with their life (in that circumstance). That's how I would look at it if I was OW...who she's upset over is really no prize to be won.

[l8estnews]

Corico #9 nails it here;

 

 

 

At least that's pretty much how it was for me

 

When DD came WS professed undying love for AP.

 

When the divorce papers arrived a week later he ran out of the house shouting "I won't let you divorce me!".

 

Another week later I hadn't spoken to him, had moved out into the spare room, done no laundry, cooking or cleaning. By then, I think he realised he was in deep do-do.

He then told me he'd finished with her.

I said that was too bad because I needed her to sign the papers.

 

Two weeks later he's moved out and she's signed the papers. She then dumped him.

 

A long time afterwards I found out that he hadn't actually finished with her, just said that he couldn't see her for a while as it "was difficult".

 

So he was just trying to do some "damage limitation" in order to continue his cake-eating.

 

Is this the Ex of yours the one who sent you the envelope full of pictures?

[DKT3]

She either does know and won't tell you because she thinks it will be too painful... or doesn't consciously know and doesn't want to explore any further because she has chosen to move on and wants to forget and put behind her.

 

No, she has always said she didn't love him, if she was looking to make it better for me then she would have said she did. I've been with her more or less for 27 years since she was 16 it's hard for me to understand how this woman I know so well, could have done it without there being love.

[Chica80]

No, she has always said she didn't love him, if she was looking to make it better for me then she would have said she did. I've been with her more or less for 27 years since she was 16 it's hard for me to understand how this woman I know so well, could have done it without there being love.

 

No I didn't mean love or not. There's many reasons people have affairs. It's not always so simplistic despite how much we want it to be. Sometimes a person truly doesn't know why. (There is always a reason why) they just don't want to explore deeper and further.

 

Whatever the reason she said. You've reconciled the reason doesn't really matter.

Has she worked through those things individually? Worked on whatever it was that led her there?

[HappyAgain2014]

Most throw the OW under the bus but I don't think it means too much. For all the lying a MM can do with future faking, I believe most lie after d day to their wives.

 

It's all about sex, she meant nothing, blah blah.

 

They tell their wives and OW what they want to hear. I wouldn't trust any of it as being the truth. The affair was all about them and so is covering their ass after the fact.

[Herbalist]

It's just a personality flaw, anyone could have it, men or women or any age group and so on. The whole "nothing is ever really my fault" syndrome. People with this issue generally apply it to all sorts of things in their life, not just an affair, so you can often spot early warning signs of this type of person. Like the person who constantly breaks the rules at work and then insists that their boss must have it in for them when they get written up, etc.

[aileD]

That's exactly how I feel, . My wife wasn't in love with the om, and it caused me alot of questions, if she was in love with him then it would make it more reasonable and understandable for me. To just put so much on the line, or did I mean so little to her that it didn't seem like a risk. I don't know, never truly will since she can't go back in time to that second feeling and thinking what she was, she can't honestly answer.

 

On the contrary, I wish it was just sex for my H and no love involved. Would make it so much easier now and I know that sounds weird but if he was just excited by sex with someone else we could have made that work within our marriage. The true betrayal for me is the love he gave the OW and the thoughts he had of leaving our life and not being US anymore.

 

Emotional fidelity is more meaningful to me than sexual fidelity. But my husband isn't like that...he can't just have sex with someone with no emotion behind it.

[wmacbride]

I'm not sure I agree with this. You're assuming that all MM are out looking for a a person to have an A with. I don't think we can lump everyone person who has an A into that category. I also don't believe that every affair has the "star crossed lovers/soul mate/we're special" aspect to it. Mine didn't. Not even close. We also can't put every A into the same category. They're all different, just like the people who have them are all different.

 

Fair enough, but how would you have acted if he told you his wife was a good person who didn't deserve to be hurt,who didn't deserve to be cheated on, if he told you she would be crushed if she knew.

 

In effect, you both threw the bs under the bus o get what you wanted. You could have said "no" and walked away, but you chose not to.

 

I am not trying to make you feel bad, and I know some mm/mw will lie like crazy, but my question still stands.

 

Why is it okay to throw the bs under the bus - which by its very nature is what happens in an A- but then take offense when the ow/om feels the same wheels?

 

After all,if it's not okay to do so to the om/ow, then surely, it was no better when it was happening to the bs.

 

btw,my ws was one of the ones who never ran down his ex-ow to me. I knew her a little bit,but my opinion was based on how she acted in the years after the A ended. I tried to be understanding, but I the end, the "bus" ran over her, but she was also the one driving it.

Edited November 4, 2016 by wmacbride

[Lillyp32]

Fair enough, but how would you have acted if he told you his wife was a good person who didn't deserve to be hurt,who didn't deserve to be cheated on, if he told you she would be crushed if she knew.

 

In effect, you both threw the bs under the bus o get what you wanted. You could have said "no" and walked away, but you chose not to.

 

I am not trying to make you feel bad, and I know some mm/mw will lie like crazy, but my question still stands.

 

Why is it okay to throw the bs under the bus - which by its very nature is what happens in an A- but then take offense when the ow/om feels the same wheels?

 

After all,if it's not okay to do so to the om/ow, then surely, it was no better when it was happening to the bs.

 

I never said it was ok for either person to be thrown under the bus and I never claimed to take offense to being thrown under the bus either. I claimed to be hurt by it as many OW/OM are. I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone else's pain just because of their poor choices. We're all human beings with feelings and we all hurt.

 

You're right, I could've said no to the affair but I didn't. That was pure selfishness on my part and I've never claimed anything different. My actions absolutely disgust me. Especially because I know the pain of being betrayed. That to me makes what I did even worse. ExMM and I had a conversation similar to what you described above. That conversation was initiated by me. As far as how I felt about it? I felt awful. Not for myself but for the BS and what exMM and I were doing to her without her knowledge. As I've said in other posts the guilt and reality of what we were doing got me quite a bit throughout the A. I would break thing a off but get sucked back in. Again, that was selfishness on my part. This is all something I'm working through in therapy.

[Gloria25]

You know, when I watch "Cheaters" or "Jerry Springer", if the WS wants to get back with the BS, he and the OW will not only throw the OW under the bus, they'll get in the driver's seat of the bus and take turns running over the OW.

 

I, years ago, had a neighbor who was trying to hit on me. The loser had a wife who was a loser, and like four kids and in debt. I guess he thought he could run away from it all by hooking up with me?

 

Well, not only was I not attracted to him, but was disgusted on how a man could make four kids, then try to run away from his responsibilities. So, after getting sick of him trying, I cussed him out and O..M..G. One day I hear his wife talking with old lady neighbor about how "I" was trying to steal her man and both she and hubby started making my life living hell. I guess he united forces with her cuz I rebuffed him.

 

My mail was getting stolen, garden messed with. They'd fight all times of the night...and, finally when I was trying to sell the place and move, she literally left trash and baby diapers on her front doorstep - which turned off any potential buyers. I had to get the HOA involved and she refused to move the trash. WTH? You'd think she'd help me sell the home soon, by keeping her side clean.

 

Anywho, goes to show that a pathetic BS and/or WS will be like peas in a pod against the OW (even in my case where I was NOT a OW and/or interested in a married cad), despite their marriage being hell on earth...again, married people are like salt and pepper shakers...they're made for each other.

[DKT3]

On the contrary, I wish it was just sex for my H and no love involved. Would make it so much easier now and I know that sounds weird but if he was just excited by sex with someone else we could have made that work within our marriage. The true betrayal for me is the love he gave the OW and the thoughts he had of leaving our life and not being US anymore.

 

Emotional fidelity is more meaningful to me than sexual fidelity. But my husband isn't like that...he can't just have sex with someone with no emotion behind it.

 

It is going off topic but I'll try to briefly explain. For me her loving him would mean it meant something, that she had a deep connection. How can you put it on the line with someone who did something like this just because: she was mad, lonely, horny, how do you trust that? I felt because of the lack of love there was a good chance she would repeat.

 

Has she worked through those things individually? Worked on whatever it was that led her there?

 

Yes she has Sunshine, but I always knew what her issues were. Part of being a bad husband is ignoring what you don't want to hear. It was 100% my career, first she followed me for three years as I chased my dream of playing in the NFL then this new thing that saw me jumping around the planet for another several years, all while placing her career on hold, then throw in a son that she wanted to wait on until she was established, then a daughter. More traveling and boom affair. Did I mention during this time I bought a house without her seeing it $560K... yeah I was a great husband:lmao:

Edited November 4, 2016 by DKT3

[Chica80]

 

Yes she has Sunshine, but I always knew what her issues were. Part of being a bad husband is ignoring what you don't want to hear. It was 100% my career, first she followed me for three years as I chased my dream of playing in the NFL then this new thing that saw me jumping around the planet for another several years, all while placing her career on hold, then throw in a son that she wanted to wait on until she was established, then a daughter. More traveling and boom affair. Did I mention during this time I bought a house without her seeing it $560K... yeah I was a great husband:lmao:

 

I think A are traumatic things for everyone involved. But you both understand what led to what happened. (Please don't take it as I'm saying it's an excuse for the A, we always have a choice).

 

It's hard to understand the choice your wife made because you know her as this loving woman. Your wife and partner mother of your children. How can someone so loving do something so unloving.

You're trying to find a rational logical answer to an illogical action.

 

I don't want to speak for your wife but part of it for me was like a wake up!!! Hey wake up because I feel like I have been emotionally screaming at the top of my lungs and you still don't hear me or are choosing not to.

 

So when she tells you it wasn't love it wasnt. But you've both done the work to get where you are and that is something to be proud of.

[waterwoman]

H told me he loved her. He just loved me more. He wouldn't let me blame her, he said she was worth loving. I wanted to blame her but he wouldn't let me. Made me so mad at the time. However he still ended it with her and stuck with NC so I guess that is what matters.

 

Over the years since I have stopped blaming her and he has begun to see that she was a little manipulative in the things she said and did in the run up to Dday. But it matters not in the least now. And that is the best bit.

[Whoknew30]

It is going off topic but I'll try to briefly explain. For me her loving him would mean it meant something, that she had a deep connection. How can you put it on the line with someone who did something like this just because: she was mad, lonely, horny, how do you trust that? I felt because of the lack of love there was a good chance she would repeat.

 

 

 

Yes she has Sunshine, but I always knew what her issues were. Part of being a bad husband is ignoring what you don't want to hear. It was 100% my career, first she followed me for three years as I chased my dream of playing in the NFL then this new thing that saw me jumping around the planet for another several years, all while placing her career on hold, then throw in a son that she wanted to wait on until she was established, then a daughter. More traveling and boom affair. Did I mention during this time I bought a house without her seeing it $560K... yeah I was a great husband:lmao:

 

If you know you weren't a good husband & you weren't there...then you know why she cheated. You have your answer, she was lonely. Yeah she screwed up but you left her wide open as your wife. My H did the same & I H been with him since 16...it's partly why you forgave her, isn't it? You knew you weren't being a good H?

[gettingstronger]

Some view a man cutting contact to work on their marriage as being thrown under the bus. I see it as making a decision.

[Joie]

My husband did not throw the OW "under the bus". He confessed and answered my questions but he didn't say anything negative about her. He took responsibility for his actions and choices.

 

The exOW does/did think he threw her "under the bus". Mainly because in the end he made a decision and stuck by it. She thought they had this amazing connection and they were going to run off together. All she got was a text saying that he confessed and to please never contact him again.

 

She had questions and wanted to talk. He never responded. Once he decided to end the affair he just didn't have any reason to discuss it with her further.

[Jersey born raised]

This is true, somewhat obsence but true:

 

A guy I worked with said if his wife walked in on him, her mother and her sister having a three way he would scream call 911 your mom and sister are raping me.

 

Huh? Why ? Because at the end of the day she will believe anything if she wants to.

 

Regardless gender our ability to fool ourselves makes us our own worst enemy.

[Arieswoman]

18estnews #27

 

Is this the Ex of yours the one who sent you the envelope full of pictures?

 

I believe so !

[Midwestmissy]

I remember asking my wh how he felt about the mow's husband and kids. He said he didn't give them a single thought, they weren't part of the equation for him. His biggest fear was that she'd end her marriage and want him to do the same, so he booked hotel rooms for them, got them rates, etc. How bizarre is that? And I suggested that the mow felt the same way about me and the kids, that we were meaningless speed bumps to her.

 

I told him they couldn't really care for each other if the most important people in their lives weren't factored into the relationship. Had he genuinely cared about her completely, he would have felt a responsibility and guilt for hurting people who loved her. And vice versa. I told him he wasn't special to her, he's just the one who said yes. The people who turned her down? Those were the special ones, the good men with high standards. (She was a serial cheater with a couple of husbands who had all been om).

 

I think that's why he didn't struggle with cutting her out of his life - he didn't actually care about her. But to admit that would be admitting he was a cad who risked everything for no good reason. That's why when dday happens there's so much inconsistency in explaining wth went on - the incongruency in his brain started to make him babble nonsense. He realized how idiotic he sounded - yet when it all cycled in his brain, and was mirrored back by her, it seemed fine. Saying it out loud to me and the kids, while we stared at him with our jaws on the ground showed him that the people who genuinely cared about him were not going to be ok with this. And that's when the dam broke and she became a huge regret and embarrassment. And the marriage she told him she was leaving, getting a small condo for herself and single girlfriends (she has 4 kids, this makes me sad for them) couldn't happen without my wh money so she went back to her bh and family.

 

Without question, they both went into the affair unhappy with themselves (and blaming anything but themselves), were stressed out during the affair, (because lies), and afterwards were still unhappy because their issues still needed dealing with, now they just had more ugly issues to pile on.

[elaine567]

My husband did not throw the OW "under the bus". He confessed and answered my questions but he didn't say anything negative about her. He took responsibility for his actions and choices.

 

The exOW does/did think he threw her "under the bus". Mainly because in the end he made a decision and stuck by it. She thought they had this amazing connection and they were going to run off together. All she got was a text saying that he confessed and to please never contact him again.

 

She had questions and wanted to talk. He never responded. Once he decided to end the affair he just didn't have any reason to discuss it with her further.

Of course he threw her under the bus.

By sending a cold text to tell her to NEVER contact him again and ignoring any questions she had after the break up, was completely heartless if looked at objectively.

WE know why he did it because he had a wife breathing down his neck and he needed to save his own skin, but it doesn't make it right really does it?

If a guy after a ONS or a brief fling, or after a few months dating or after a LTR, told a woman to NEVER contact him again by one cold text, we would think he was a cad and a bounder, I do not really see much difference here.

 

I can see from the BWs POV, he "did the right thing" in cutting off the terrible woman that ruined her marriage, but from an objective and humane POV, it all sounds a bit callous.

[Midwestmissy]

I think, Elaine, that mm play both sides of the fence and with both women's emotions concurrently - and the mw does the same in her house. The ow knows the score, that he's married, so it's not a fair game from the onset. It cannot be a slow skidding stop, it has to be abrupt. And please know that the wife is not always breathing down his neck. A lot of wives don't want a man who's confused or sad or divided. They kick him out or leave and the mm decides what he's going to do to fix his marriage and goes into saving at all costs. He was a cad going into the affair, and he's often a cad ending it. It's consistent with his character. And I do wonder how the ow doesn't view him as an idiot the first time he lies to his wife, yet is shocked when he's an idiot to the ow. A lot of ow know exactly what they're walking into, which is a relationship based on deceit. Hard to cry foul when nothing was ever fair or following a moral code from day one. The sniff sniff, he's so mean thing is moot. Of course he's mean, his first commitment was to his family and that didn't seem imoortant to him. He's a liar and the ow knows it. It's like fable about the scorpion, of course it's going to bite and kill, it's what it does. It's an affair - people get hurt and destroyed. It's why we are told to not do it. Thousands of years of human history and yet everyday people think "my situation is different". No. it's not.

[elaine567]

He was a cad going into the affair, and he's often a cad ending it. It's consistent with his character.

 

That was partly my point and to paint him as some sort of "hero" for doing so, as some BWs seem to do, is to my mind madness.

BUT I can see why a BW may do that.

It is difficult to fully reconcile with "a cad", so he has to be twisted into someone with "some" degree of moral fibre, hence why to many, the "blood sacrifice" of the OW, is seen as a good thing.

It clears the air, it clears away the competition, it is the start of a new era, and it creates a common foe which is always great for bonding

[Arieswoman]

To go back to the original question, I would say usually but not always.

 

My exH was a "cake-eater" so I don't think he really wanted either of us.

 

From other examples I know of;

 

Another girl's husband went out for about 3 hours after DD, then came back, packed a suitcase and moved in with the OW.

 

In another scenario the WS had 3 DDs with 3 different women, then finally left after DD with the 4th.

 

A couple of other guys I know of, left to be with the AP, but as soon as BS filed for divorce they came running back....

 

Plenty of variables here....

[Midwestmissy]

Elaine, I agree it's difficult to reconcile with a cad. No question at all. But I didn't marry a cad, and the mow didn't make him a cad. I think couples who twist, make the ow the common foe etc are rugsweeping. And I think it happens a lot. Processing the pain is horrific. His affair was not a pattern of behaviour we had had in our relationship. It was an aberration and he needed to find out how the hell he got there.

 

Had he trashed her, blamed her, whatever, reconciliation was off the table. Accepting his agency in this and doing hard work to become the man he and the kids can be proud of - regardless of me staying or leaving - is what makes my staying an option.

 

He wasn't weak, or worn down, or attracted to her or unable to say no to the affair. It was a series of choices and permission he gave himself. He told himself it was ok (or not super bad, or different than a gross affair) yet lied and lied to me and the kids because he knew damn well it wasn't ok and it was bad. He came clean to family and friends and apologized to them. She's not the bad guy to him, she's inconsequential. And I think he doesn't want to think about her at all, because her presence in his mind reminds him over and over of what he did.

 

I guess in that context and in the context of the original question, she didn't go under the bus since he didn't blame or bad mouth her, but she just went poof and disappeared from his life and head.

[elaine567]

to throw under a bus

 

Cause someone else to suffer in order to save oneself or gain personal advantage.

 

Throwing under a bus is not about bad mouthing or blaming anyone.

 

It is about not caring about the damaged suffered to the OW, whilst on course to reconciling HIS marriage and pursuing what is best for HIM.

He saves himself and throws the OW under the bus.