Is throwing the other woman under the bus common after the affair is found out?

[DKT3]

How is your outcome different from your mother's? Your h had an affair and got to stay in the marriage.

 

She had an affair also.

[aileD]

Let's not say the OW is completely off the hook in the responsibility department and no anger should go towards them. Hell yes, Most should be directed at MM, but

..same with your situation...would have never been OW if your spouse kept it in his pants.

 

Just because a MM doesn't "keep it in his pants" doesn't mean an OW has to let him stick it in hers.

 

Both MM and OW WILLINGLY participated in destroying a marriage and BS.

[DKT3]

I believe in blame where it should be...my H fault 100%...same with your situation...would have never been OW if your spouse kept it in his pants. He failed you...no one else made you a promise in life but him.

 

I watched my mother & my aunts blame OW all day but forgive their H & honestly it still till this day makes me sick. Husband gets away with it...the one that lied to both women, got to have sex with both women & gets to stay with wife & they were ok with that bc it would have never happened if OW kept her legs closed (sound familiar) like the men had no control over themselves! To hear this as a little girl & I'm talking about as young as 5 knowing it was the OW fault, it was their WH's fault!

 

H gets his life back with no "real" consequences & even get celebrated for coming a long way...it just makes my skin crawl.

 

It killed my H that I wouldn't allow that & that I talked to her on & off the whole DDay...I couldn't allow his mistake to be pawned off on anyone else! Marilynn Monroe should be able to sit in front of a married man naked & he should just walk away.

 

We just disagree, i believe it's the person you're married to fault a 100%...where it does get different, if it's a friend. In that case I would have divorced.

You can't really believe this if you also believe marriages cause cheating, which you do.. It is a bunch of double talking on your part. When talking of your own infidelities you lay a good portion of the blame on your marriage, on your husband for not making you happy, on your father for his infidelity. So what is really left for you to be held accountable for?

 

But you don't allow your husband excuses? Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic to me, sounds like a bank robber claiming moral superiority over another.

[Timshel]

With my exH's OW, I never hated her or had anger/resentment toward her...I never felt any way about her at all. If I passed her by today I would smile and keep walking. I never confronted her or had anything to do with her.

 

I posted here last night right after my exH screamed at me over the phone for nothing and his yelling is nothing new.

 

It's him that I dislike and him that I am angry with. I can't show it though. I am nice to him, tolerate him...even still try to avoid making him angry for my kids sake.

 

But I have to express my anger in a healthy way, though I want to tell him exactly what I think of him.

 

I can't come on LS and be a jerk and callous as a way to vent my disappointment with him. I didn't really realize how much I dislike him and how much effort I put into suppressing it until I became aware this morning of my own dysfunctional reaction to him raging at me.

 

It was a little breakthrough I guess....I should take up boxing or something.

[ChickiePops]

I believe in blame where it should be...my H fault 100%...same with your situation...would have never been OW if your spouse kept it in his pants. He failed you...no one else made you a promise in life but him.

 

I watched my mother & my aunts blame OW all day but forgive their H & honestly it still till this day makes me sick. Husband gets away with it...the one that lied to both women, got to have sex with both women & gets to stay with wife & they were ok with that bc it would have never happened if OW kept her legs closed (sound familiar) like the men had no control over themselves! To hear this as a little girl & I'm talking about as young as 5 knowing it was the OW fault, it was their WH's fault!

 

H gets his life back with no "real" consequences & even get celebrated for coming a long way...it just makes my skin crawl.

 

It killed my H that I wouldn't allow that & that I talked to her on & off the whole DDay...I couldn't allow his mistake to be pawned off on anyone else! Marilynn Monroe should be able to sit in front of a married man naked & he should just walk away.

 

We just disagree, i believe it's the person you're married to fault a 100%...where it does get different, if it's a friend. In that case I would have divorced.

 

Ah, so you're saying that all OW are interchangeable and that any OW who claims to have formed anything but a sexual relationship with a MM is delusional. Got it. I'm sure all the OW here who think they formed emotional relationships with MM will take offense to that though.

 

You're right, we disagree. I think that people should be kind and decent towards their fellow human beings and you think that as long as a MM is wiggling his winky at you then you're free to hop on free and clear of any guilt. I will never agree with that.

 

I'm gonna go ahead and block you now because this convo isn't going anywhere.

[Whoknew30]

How is your outcome different from your mother's? Your h had an affair and got to stay in the marriage.[/quote

 

I made him take responsibility 100%. I didn't allow him or OW to make me hateful, neither one did or will ever hold that kind of power over me. I made him move out for my months after our 48 hour get it all out session. We continued to go to MC but I wouldn't live with him. He had to earn his way back, in every step & got the taste of what it's like not to be married. Took me 6 months to live back with him. I'd go over hangout & even booty called him after going out but I let him watch me live my life & there was nothing he could do...killed him. He said it later on, that he thought I'd have some breakdown & when he left he thought I'd come running...nope, not at all.

[DKT3]

How is your outcome different from your mother's? Your h had an affair and got to stay in the marriage.[/quote

 

I made him take responsibility 100%. I didn't allow him or OW to make me hateful, neither one did or will ever hold that kind of power over me. I made him move out for my months after our 48 hour get it all out session. We continued to go to MC but I wouldn't live with him. He had to earn his way back, in every step & got the taste of what it's like not to be married. Took me 6 months to live back with him. I'd go over hangout & even booty called him after going out but I let him watch me live my life & there was nothing he could do...killed him. He said it later on, that he thought I'd have some breakdown & when he left he thought I'd come running...nope, not at all.

 

It's comments like this that say your marriage isn't great....you think your better then him and his infidelity is worse then yours. Its really odd. But then again infidelity doesn't cause trauma, right?

[Whoknew30]

You can't really believe this if you also believe marriages cause cheating, which you do.. It is a bunch of double talking on your part. When talking of your own infidelities you lay a good portion of the blame on your marriage, on your husband for not making you happy, on your father for his infidelity. So what is really left for you to be held accountable for?

 

But you don't allow your husband excuses? Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic to me, sounds like a bank robber claiming moral superiority over another.

 

My infidelities came bc I no longer cared about my marriage. My H was like you were to your wife, never around, did things without asking, coming going as he pleased, I have been with him since 15...I almost died having our daughter while still a teenager & financially he was there but that's where it ended. I come from a family of no divorce. I had said this is working but he never listened...I had the A bc I thought he'd leave me...it will be all my fault (I didn't care) he'd get to move on as the "good" guy but I would be able to start my life.

 

I NEVER blamed anyone for my choices...never not once! I did what I wanted to for my reasons, that's not blame. I've always said my fathers cheating didn't affect me, so I don't know what you're reading...you're comprehension of what I wrote isn't even close.

[Whoknew30]

 

It's comments like this that say your marriage isn't great....you think your better then him and his infidelity is worse then yours. Its really odd. But then again infidelity doesn't cause trauma, right?[/QUoOTE]

 

Sorry, I'm not traumatized from an A. I was fine with getting a divorce. I don't think I'm better but I wasn't cake eating through my A, I wanted to force out. Never thought he'd be willing to work it out but after DDay I found why he was.

 

My husband used to have an extremely misogynist logic..the whole experience made him humble & made us better. neither one of us is "traumatized" by any of it, it just made us better. In life & to each other, we both face our crap.

 

Also he had dday...I didn't. I sat down & confessed everything truthfully. & said I'm at your mercy. The only way for me to have ever had an A is bc I don't care about the relationship, if I cared at that moment, I wouldn't have done it. Took me 9 years of trying, while sick not to care.

[wmacbride]

 

It's comments like this that say your marriage isn't great....you think your better then him and his infidelity is worse then yours. Its really odd. But then again infidelity doesn't cause trauma, right?[/QUoOTE]

 

Sorry, I'm not traumatized from an A. I was fine with getting a divorce. I don't think I'm better but I wasn't cake eating through my A, I wanted to force out. Never thought he'd be willing to work it out but after DDay I found why he was.

 

My husband used to have an extremely misogynist logic..the whole experience made him humble & made us better. neither one of us is "traumatized" by any of it, it just made us better. In life & to each other, we both face our crap.

 

Also he had dday...I didn't. I sat down & confessed everything truthfully. & said I'm at your mercy. The only way for me to have ever had an A is bc I don't care about the relationship, if I cared at that moment, I wouldn't have done it. Took me 9 years of trying, while sick not to care.

 

I could be wrong, but what i think people are finding puzzling about your posts is that you do seem to have two standards. One for ws and om/ow and and another for bs.

 

You admit you had an A, and some of the reasons that led up to it. I'm not sure if you are saying you got swept up in emotions or if you had gone looking for an om.

 

Either way, why is it okay for you to have done that, and why do your reasons matter, yet form what I can tell, you have a very different standard for a bs and even, to a certain extent,other ws.

 

Why wa sit okay or at least excusable for you to be a ws,because you got caught up in things, yet if a bs or ws holds their ow responsible for their actions, it's somehow wrong?

 

I just don't get it. If it worked for you, that's fine and I am glad for you that you were able to find your way forward.

 

For a lot of other bs and ws, things are not so cut and dry. They know their situation, and will assign responsibility based on that. If it works for them, then what does it matter?