Getting over Affair Partner

[Her]

I had an affair in 2008, with a single guy. I came clean with my husband, but didn't realize I was pregnant at the time and ended my affair. My husband forced me to abort the baby, to save our marriage. I went on seeing my AP on and off, up until 2012, when he gave me an ultimatum. I leave my husband and have an open relationship or stay in my marriage and never see him again.

 

I chose to stay in the marriage, because I had 2 small kids and my AP cut all contact with me. He is still single, no girlfriend since our break-up. I thought I had moved on, but he makes it very difficult, because he contacts me every year to tell me he still loves and misses me. Just last month he made contact again, after a year and I realized that I still love him and at the time I was separated from my husband. We tried to start a long distance relationship, because I moved 17 hours away, but weeks later he says he cant be in a relationship because of various reasons.

 

He comes from a very religious Muslim family, who wants him to marry a Muslim girl. He told me this in past conversations. He says he loves me, but things has changed and he needs to do his religious duties. We had a huge fight about it and he cut all contact again. How do I forget about this guy, when I still love him so much.

Edited November 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[DKT3]

First by realizing that he is full of shyt. His religion allows him to sleep with married women? The thing about someone truly believing is they accept all aspects, you don't get to pick and choose.

 

What exactly did you tell your husband, I'm guessing a minimum amount, I say that because you carried on your affair for four more years after. Tell him all of it, doing this will get you all the way out. By not being totally honest it still allows you to rationalize, to have that secret allows you to sneak off, even if only mentally.

 

This guy doesn't want you in a legitimate relationship, stop fooling yourself, once you were single he pulled out the religion thing....really?

Edited November 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[40somethingGuy]

I had an affair in 2008, with a single guy. I came clean with my husband, but didn't realize I was pregnant at the time and ended my affair. My husband forced me to abort the baby, to save our marriage. I went on seeing my AP on and off, up until 2012, when he gave me an ultimatum. I leave my husband and have an open relationship or stay in my marriage and never see him again. I chose to stay in the marriage, because I had 2 small kids and my AP cut all contact with me. He is still single, no girlfriend since our break-up. I thought I had moved on, but he makes it very difficult, because he contacts me every year to tell me he still loves and misses me. Just last month he made contact again, after a year and I realized that I still love him and at the time I was separated from my husband. We tried to start a long distance relationship, because I moved 17 hours away, but weeks later he says he cant be in a relationship because of various reasons. He comes from a very religious Muslim family, who wants him to marry a Muslim girl. He told me this in past conversations. He says he loves me, but things has changed and he needs to do his religious duties. We had a huge fight about it and he cut all contact again. How do I forget about this guy, when I still love him so much.

 

 

All that matters is the well being of your betrayed husband. [] You are in love with a [man] who has no care for your kids or family at all.

Edited November 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~6

[dichotomy]

By loving and respecting yourself more than OM.

 

Also perhaps your husband is not the life partner for you.

[Whoknew30]

No one can "make" you have an abortion! Come to terms, you had one bc YOU made that choice, it wasn't made for you.

 

Until you own "your" choices in life, nothing in your life is ever going to work...wether with AP & or H. I suggest you grow up & start behaving as a mother of two kids vs behaving like teenage girl that has no control over her life. Even if you ended up with AP, your issues will still haunt you, until you deal with them. Part of being an adult is to learn, you & only you are in control of your life.

[jenkins95]

(((Her)))

 

2008!!!! Oh wow - you need another (((hug)))

 

I think for your own sanity you need to start immediate, strict and permanent NC with the OM. From what you've said, everything about it is unhealthy and can only cause more heartbreak.

 

I am normally very pro-reconciliation, as I am in reconciliation myself....but this has been dragging on since 2008, during which time you've never lost your feelings for the OM and presumably your feelings for your husband have never been particularly strong? Perhaps reconciliation is realistically beyond you in this situation? Certainly if there is any chance at all, you need to say goodbye once and for all to the OM.

 

Ideally you could do with a year or so on your own, with the support of trusted family and friends, to gradually untangle the spaghetti that is your current mental state.

 

Well done for coming here, we will help you!....good luck!

[JoeSmith357-1]

First by realizing that he is full of shyt. His religion allows him to sleep with married women? The thing about someone truly believing is they accept all aspects, you don't get to pick and choose.

 

Glad i'm not the only one to point out the hypocrisy of someone engaging in adultry with a married woman, getting her pregnant even, and then telling her he doesn't want to marry her because she's not the same religion as him

 

Also, I don't think the OP is going to get much sympathy from people here considering she got back into a relationship after the husband demanded she stop

[Mr. Lucky]

I went on seeing my AP on and off, up until 2012, when he gave me an ultimatum. I leave my husband and have an open relationship or stay in my marriage and never see him again.

 

Are you using "open relationship" in the conventional sense, as in one where both partners agree that each may have sex with others?

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

First - do you want to stay married? Do you love your husband?

 

You need to figure that out and act on it either way.

 

Second-change your phone number and become uncontactable for his yearly check ins. He's not the man for you. You're ok enough to have sex with and share some things but not good enough for marriage in his "religious" eyes. That's not going to change any time at all so it's a dead end street

[mikeylo]

Since you are separated ( divorcing?) , I guess it was not because of your OM but other reasons. If that is the case then even if he came back , you will easily survive him exiting.

 

He is not worth a dime.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Are you using "open relationship" in the conventional sense, as in one where both partners agree that each may have sex with others?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

An "open relationship" does not exist when only one of the two spouses is aware of it... that's called cheating / an affair / adultery

[BenchCoach]

I'm a little confused- are you, or aren't you with your husband still?

[Joie]

My suggestion. Start to own the choices you have made in life. You are never going to get over him if you keep shifting blame and making excuses.

[Her]

Thank you all for the comments and/or advice, much appreciated.

 

After reading some of the comments, I realized that I already knew this, but kept hoping I was wrong. After much thinking, I take full responsibility for what happened, because all of this started, because of a choice I made. The love, I thought I still felt, was because of guilt. Guilty feelings that my AP made me feel, because he blamed me for not choosing him and his current situation, not having kids, etc. I do feel bad for him, but I am sorry if he is a single, 40 year old still living with his parents. The red flags should have gone off a long time ago. We briefly dated in college, so when he looked me up on FB and asked how things were, it was easy to hook-up. Not a good idea, but that's history now.

 

My husband who is 13 years my senior is a good provider. I love him dearly, but unfortunately he cannot give me what I need emotionally and sexually. Therefore, instead of cheating again, I have decided to ask for a divorce. My husband will not go to counselling or talk about the issues and have accepted my proposal, because in his words, he does not have the time for this. I am just happy that I am doing this for me and not leaving because of another man.

 

So, next year I will be on my own and in no rush of finding a new guy. Thank you all, once again!!!

 

To answer some of the questions:

By open relationship, I meant that he wanted everyone to know about us.

I am still living with my husband, but divorce proceedings has started.

[anika99]

You were willing to abort to save your marriage but not willing to stop the affair to save your marriage. That makes absolutely no sense.

 

Your affair and AP destroyed your marriage. Your marriage never had a chance since you were in false reconciliation and still cheating on your husband. Good t hear you are finally getting divorced, but it doesn't sound like your middle aged affair partner who still lives with his mommy and daddy was worth it.

[BTDT2012]

You say your husband won't go to counseling. What counseling did you get for yourself? Your cheating was your choice, don't even try to place the blame on your husband.

[Cephalopod]

What you feel for your AP is not love. It is limerance, and it is not what you and your husband once had. Not even close.

 

"Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" for her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, to describe a concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love.[1]

 

Limerence has been defined by one writer as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest".[2]

 

Limerence, which is not exclusively sexual, has also been defined in terms of its potentially inspirational effects and in relation to attachment theory. It has been described as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation".[3]

 

Attachment theory emphasizes that "many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption, and the renewal of attachment relationships".[4] It has been suggested that "the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation, "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation"[5] during the "intensive ... pair-forming stage"[6] of human affectionate bonding