Boyfriendd Went To Strip Club!

[CUTIEH]

I was talking on the phone with my close male friend. I can't remember how my boyfriend came up, but my male friend said that he heard some dirt on my boyfriend. I said what and he said that my boyfriend recently went to a strip club.

 

He said that he found out threw a friend that my boyfriend went with. My boyfriend's friend said that they were giving this stripper all there money. I was shocked, but pretended like I already knew about it.

 

I am embarrassed and mad that my male friend had to tell me this. I am embarrassed because I feel if my boyfriend has to go to strip clubs then that means that my boyfreind is not satisfied with just seeing my body. If he is in love with me he should be satisfied with just seeing me. I mean I know that he is going to think that there are other pretty women out here, because I think there are other handsome men, but I 'm not going to lust over there naked bodys. I am mad becasue he was giving the stripper all his money. When he can't spend a dime on me because he complains that he has no money, but he can give all his money to a stripper that he doesn't even know. When he came home I confronted hime about it and he confessed. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said because I wouldn't want him to go. No I wouldn't, because it affends my sexuality.

 

Please, tell me if you think I am wrong or right for not wanting my boyfriend to go to strip clubs. Please, honest opinions.

[cutieh]

I was talking on the phone with my close male friend. I can't remember how my boyfriend came up, but my male friend said that he heard some dirt on my boyfriend. I said what and he said that my boyfriend recently went to a strip club.

 

He said that he found out threw a friend that my boyfriend went with. My boyfriend's friend said that they were giving this stripper all there money. I was shocked, but pretended like I already knew about it.

 

I am embarrassed and mad that my male friend had to tell me this. I am embarrassed because I feel if my boyfriend has to go to strip clubs then that means that my boyfriend is not satisfied with just seeing my body. If he is in love with me he should be satisfied with just seeing me. I mean I know that he is going to think that there are other pretty women out here, because I think there are other handsome men, but I 'm not going to lust over there naked bodies. I am mad because he was giving the stripper all his money. When he can't spend a dime on me because he complains that he has no money, but he can give all his money to a stripper that he doesn't even know.

 

When he came home I confronted him about it and he confessed. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said because I wouldn't want him to go. No I wouldn't, because it offends my sexuality.

 

Please, tell me if you think I am wrong or right for not wanting my boyfriend to go to strip clubs. Please, honest opinions.

[tiki]

IMO, it's like adultery. But that's MY opinion.

 

How long have you been with this Casanova?

 

Have you laid out the ground rules and regs for the relationship? Did he go against your previous wishes (have you asked him to NOT go to a strip joint)?

 

If it were me, I'd find a new boyfriend, pronto.

[soccorsilly]

I am not a strip club afficionado and have been to maybe three in my life, but you need to chill out. The fact that he went to a strip club with a buddy has no bearing on how he sees you.

 

Tiki is right that you need to lay out some ground rules and expectations but honestly, you don't know the reason-he could have been pressured into it from his bud.

 

It is like porn--most men are not looking to replace their current GF with porn. And to be honest, the stripper is out for his cash--which she got. He does not stand a chance with her so this is just a fantasy world.

 

But set the rules straight and let him know how you feel and move on!

[UltimateZen]

Is this male friend trying to hook up with you by embellishing the fact that your bf went to a strip club? One person's moment of weakness is anothers' gain.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Boyfriend Went To Strip Club!

OH my goodness...he did what every straight male in America has done? How Dare he!

I think you need to chill out. This will scare him away and leave you going to strip clubs by yourself. Its really not that big of a deal. Go with him! I go with my BF. Its a good time. Just remember...he's getting turned on to these strippers and then going home to you

[Woggle]

It's just a part of male bonding. Nothing to worry about.

[cutieh]

To: soccersilly: I already told my boyfriend that I don't personally like him going to strip clubs. My boyfriend was not pressured. It was his ideal he said. He said that his friend never went before and he wanted to show him a good time. And I don't see why my boyfriend would need to fantasize about other women. When I am pretty and have a nice body already. Even his friends told him that I look nice and told me that. I am just as pretty as any stripper. I've been asked before if I was a stripper, because of my body, face and how I can dance well.

 

To: ihavenofreakinclue: Would you like it if your boyfriend didn't tell you that he was going to a strip club and hiding the fact from you? Why would he need to hide it if it's nothing hurtless? I always tell him when I got out to regular clubs with my female friends. I have nothing to hide because I am doing nothing direspectful. We've been going out for two years I feel that he should give me the respect by now to let me know what is going on in his life.

 

To: To both: Do you guys think I should strip dance then? I talked about strip dancing to my boyfriend, but he doesn't want me to. I wander why he doesn't want me to, but he can go watch other women strip? Is that not fair?

 

Please, don't be imtimidated by my response. I may sound a little harsh about the situation, but it is not to you guys opinions. Please, respond back. Thanks!

[LucreziaBorgia]

And I don't see why my boyfriend would need to fantasize about other women. When I am pretty and have a nice body already. Even his friends told him that I look nice and told me that. I am just as pretty as any stripper. I've been asked before if I was a stripper, because of my body, face and how I can dance well.

 

Because the thought process and place in his brain where he keeps associations with you is not the same as the thought process and place in his brain where he keeps sexual fantasy/jerk material. Men like looking at aesthetically pleasing things. Sure, you are pretty and sexy - but sometimes guys like to look at "nasty" girls too - girls they can put away in their 'jerk files' for later. That doesn't mean they want their girlfriends to be like that! He makes love to you - he already has you - why would he fantasize about someone he already has? Fantasy is about thinking about wild possibilities with people you can't have (or don't want outside of fantasy purposes). The strippers are just sex - something to fantasize about.

 

Why would he need to hide it if it's nothing hurtless? I always tell him when I got out to regular clubs with my female friends. I have nothing to hide because I am doing nothing direspectful. We've been going out for two years I feel that he should give me the respect by now to let me know what is going on in his life.

 

He probably hid it because he knew you would give him a hassle about it. Sometimes lies of omission are purely avoidance techniques and not something more devious - particularly when he sees what he's doing as no big deal, and has zero effect on how he feels for you. He understands his own mind when it comes to these things, and you don't and he probably thinks you won't ever be able to - so instead of arguing over it, he just hides it because its easier that way. He will give you the respect of telling you what is going on, when you are truly able to let him do that and be honest with you about it without being angry with him or punishing him for it.

 

Do you guys think I should strip dance then? I talked about strip dancing to my boyfriend, but he doesn't want me to. I wander why he doesn't want me to, but he can go watch other women strip? Is that not fair?

 

You are his girlfriend, not a sexual fantasy purely for beatoff purposes. He has no emotional connection with jerk material. That is why you are not jerk material, because he doesn't want you to be in the gutter part of his mind with the rest of his sexual fantasy stuff. You are above that for him. He holds you in a higher regard, and likely would lose some of his affection for you if you were to sink down into 'jerk material territory'. Some guys like their girlfriends 'pure', and associate her sexuality with love and leave the 'jerk material' stuff to less 'pure' types of women/interactions.

[cutieh]

Thanks for responding LucrexiaBorgia you had good answers, opnions and advice.

 

But I do want to respond to two of your comments. My boyfriend said that he doesn't want me to strip, because he doesn't want other men to see me naked. Not because he thinks it is a low thing to do.

 

What do you consider to be a nasty girl compared to a girlfriend in forms of sexual arousal?

[LucreziaBorgia]

My boyfriend said that he doesn't want me to strip, because he doesn't want other men to see me naked. Not because he thinks it is a low thing to do.

 

That means he treasures you as something special, and he wants your body all to himself. I expect the thought of other guys using you as jerk material angers him and makes him feel vaguely ill. The 'low' part is only part of it, I guess. I expect its protectiveness, possessiveness (not necessarily in a bad way), not wanting other men to see you 'that way'.

 

What do you consider to be a nasty girl compared to a girlfriend in forms of sexual arousal?

 

Don't get me wrong. I see nothing wrong with strippers, porn stars, etc - nor do I think they are nasty - but... for many people its the association of what they are doing that makes them "nasty" - its that taboo thing going on. Girls being proud of doing things that they "should" be "ashamed of". Now, what would fall into a "nasty" category in terms of arousal? Stuff you wouldn't want to do, nor would he really want to see you doing. He might fantasize about you doing it, but I have a feeling he wouldn't truly be ok with it - few guys are ok with it when it actually happens. Some are, but a good deal aren't.

 

* eating another woman out (or mocking the movements), or feeling another woman up sexually

* with dancing: putting her crotch within a foot of a stranger's face and wiggling, or bending completely over with nothing but a g-string, retrieving dollar bills from pants line - basically stuff that can be said to be slightly degrading - a fetish sort of thing - men getting off on seeing women in a naked, vulnerable and 'begging' sort of way - she dances for dollars - panhandling with her boobs, more or less. It isn't like that for her, but if appearing that way works... Its more cash in hand at the end of the night.

* girls who are sexual without being affectionate - deriving power from purely from sexuality and not femininity (girlfriends fall into the feminine category - your power is your womanhood and ability to love - not your ability to draw in as many money-giving horny guys as you can)

* girls who will take on the ultimate taboo: taking money for sexual favors - inherently I see nothing wrong with that, but... for some reason women are respected more for giving it away for free than they are for expecting payment for the exact same thing - she reduces sex to a commodity - divorces it from love, and is therefore "nasty".

* girls who do not discriminate based on a man's relationship availability

[Blackfrost]

Some good enlightening observations from a stripper, for those of you who have never been to a strip club, or have some idea in your head as to what goes on in 98% of them. Enjoy

 

A Strippers Rants:

 

 

1) No I will not let you just "slip it in real quick" for 50 more bucks. I’m here to get paid, shut up until the end of the song.

 

2) Stop asking me if my tits are real. There are as real as my affection for you.

 

3) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.

 

4) STOP trying to touch me, it’s not gonna happen

 

5) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty ****!

 

6) If you don't tip me, I'm going to call your wife.

 

7) Stop asking me why I do this job and get all analytical on me. For the MONEY you moron, that's why. Duh.

 

8) Just because your significant other thinks you’re hot, does not mean I do at all.

 

9) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.

 

10) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the ****ing maxi-single to me.

 

11) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. DO. NOT.

 

12) I don't care if you're cute and/or Brad Pitt's stunt double. I do not give free lapdances. Cute don't pay the rent.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening.

Vixen Blue

[Pocky]

Having been a private stripper I will reiterate that it's all about the money.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

He probably hid it because he knew you would give him a hassle about it. Sometimes lies of omission are purely avoidance techniques and not something more devious - particularly when he sees what he's doing as no big deal, and has zero effect on how he feels for you. He understands his own mind when it comes to these things, and you don't and he probably thinks you won't ever be able to - so instead of arguing over it, he just hides it because its easier that way. He will give you the respect of telling you what is going on, when you are truly able to let him do that and be honest with you about it without being angry with him or punishing him for it.

 

You're right about why he probably lied, but hiding something from your SO because you knew it they would have a problem with it is unacceptable. It's not her fault he did it because she didn't approve and made him unable to be honest and open with her. People don't lie because others *make* them unable to be honest with them. They lie out of their own weakness and cowardess. He had two perfectly acceptable choices: don't go to strip clubs or tell her he was going and try to explain before hand. He did neither. He chose the lying cowards way, which also happens to be the most disrespectful to his SO.

 

Another poster on here recently talked about how she'd gotten a guy's number to be friends with behind her boyfriend's back and hadn't told him because she knew he'd be jealous and it'd hurt him. The lie only protected her, not her boyfriend. It allowed her to call the guy without her bf making her feel guilty. If she'd have been thinking of him, she'd have never taken the number. What Cutieh's bf did is of the same principle.

 

To me, the main issue seems to be that he did something he knew she'd have a problem with behind her back. It's not about what goes on in strip clubs, whether he cheated, or whether he finds other naked women attractive. Cutieh, you really need to talk about the fact that he's broken your trust and hurt you by doing this behind your back.

[RecordProducer]

I completely understand why you feel this way. However the reality is not as bad as it seems to you.

No, it doesn't mean he doesn't desire you or that he desires other women. Guys love to see naked women just like women like to watch clothes in the stores. You will say that you desire to buy the clothes you see and like. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Same with guys and nude girls. But just because you stopped to see the new collection of shoes doesn't mean you're not happy with the ones on your feet.

Some feelings like lust, desire, anger, grief, etc. are stronger than our consciousness and cannot be easily controlled. You can make him not visit strip clubs, but you can't change the very core of his being. You can ask him not to go and he will either not go or simply go and hide it from you.

Don't be upset about the things that you can't change. Decide what you want to achieve and discuss it with him. Nobody is perfect.

[BrotherAaron]

Originally posted by CUTIEH

He said that he found out threw a friend that my boyfriend went with. My boyfriend's friend said that they were giving this stripper all there money. I was shocked, but pretended like I already knew about it.

 

Your 'close male friend' sounds like a bitch. Why is he gossipping to you about your boyfriend? I'd think twice about talking to a guy who's so eager to dig up dirt on your man... did you think to question his motives? You haven't even talked to your boyfriend about this, or your boyfriend's friends who supposedly went. You heard from somebody who heard from somebody that your boyfriend gave all of his money to a stripper.

[RecordProducer]

Aaron, the BF admitted he went there! I don't think the friend's motives are relevant right now. Obviously he either suffers from brutal-honesty disorder or has a crush on Cutie. Probably both.

[BrotherAaron]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Aaron, the BF admitted he went there! I don't think the friend's motives are relevant right now. Obviously he either suffers from brutal-honesty disorder or has a crush on Cutie. Probably both.

 

Ok, my bad. She does know that her boyfriend went to the strip club - but either way her friend should mind his own business.

 

Guys enjoy seeing beautiful women naked - attached or not. Whether or not he goes is a personal choice, not whether or not he likes it. Even when I'm into a girl 100%, I enjoy looking at other women. His going to a strip club does not mean that he likes you less, but if it really bothers you then you can ask him not do it.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Aaron, the BF admitted he went there! I don't think the friend's motives are relevant right now. Obviously he either suffers from brutal-honesty disorder or has a crush on Cutie. Probably both.

 

The boyfriend screwed up but that friend is no friend at all. This is the kind of crap a guy does to a friend when he is trying to come between him and his girl. He sould cut him off for good, as should she.

[Merin]

I think IF this an issue for you then you need to get it resolved with your BF..

 

IMO his going to a strip club doesn't mean he isn't satisfied with you, nor does it mean he doesn't love you.. however this is your perception and perception is reality.

 

You need to tell your BF how you feel about this and why you feel that way.

HOWEVER keep in mind as well that while you have your perception he has his as well... what you believe to be wrong he may see in another light... it doesn't make you right and him wrong or vice versa, it makes the 2 of you different on that level and you need to find solutions here that you BOTH can live with.

 

Good Luck

 

BTW The BF's friend telling you about that.. IMO was out of line...

[Iluvsiamese]

There are a couple of things that are key here and they involve more than a strip club.

 

1) How would the bf feel if she went to a male strip club and gave one of them all her money? Or how would he feel about her going to a dance club and grinding away the night with various guys? If this would be a problem for him, then he needs to clean up his act. It's a two-way street.

 

2) He will not spend a penny on her, claims he doesn't have any money. Priority is way out of line here. If he is spending all his money on strippers and she is coming in second, this is a red flag. She has a right to be upset.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

. If he is spending all his money on strippers and she is coming in second, this is a red flag. She has a right to be upset.

 

He went ONE time right? While I understand that this isn't something she's all about and she has the right to feel however she feels about him going.. it was ONE time, so he isn't spending ALL of his money on strippers.

[cutieh]

This is from a boyfriend who all the time tells me he has no money to spend on taking me out to dinner, movies etc... He says that his money needs to be spent on more important things like school, rent etc. Which I can understand, because we are in college. But the occasional taken out would still be nice. Anyways, a strip club would not be considered a important priority. He's waisting his money, the money he says he doesn't have to spend on me and giving it to a stripper he doesn't know. Apparently he does have the money to spend on me, it's just the stripper is more priority to him than I am. Which is not right in my book. We haven't been out on a date for about two months. And yes I have taken him out in the past and spent money on him. I do think that the girl should take her man out occasionally.

[Merin]

Originally posted by cutieh

This is from a boyfriend who all the time tells me he has no money to spend on taking me out to dinner, movies etc... He says that his money needs to be spent on more important things like school, rent etc. Which I can understand, because we are in college. But the occasional taken out would still be nice. Anyways, a strip club would not be considered a important priority. He's waisting his money, the money he says he doesn't have to spend on me and giving it to a stripper he doesn't know. Apparently he does have the money to spend on me, it's just the stripper is more priority to him than I am. Which is not right in my book. We haven't been out on a date for about two months. And yes I have taken him out in the past and spent money on him. I do think that the girl should take her man out occasionally.

 

Okay..

 

Listen, I DID say that you're entitled to feel however you wish regarding this.

 

While I understand that you would like him to take you out on occassion (and I think he should too) he went to the strip club ONE TIME right? Did he tell you he gave the stripper ALL of his money? He told you he went to the club HIS FRIEND told you that he HEARD your BF was throwing around money...

 

Secondly, you're NOT married to this Guy sorry but seriously his money is HIS regardless if you think he's wasting his money on strippers or whatever else he chooses to spend his money on it's HIS.

A strip club wouldn't be considered a important priority to YOU so even though I would agree that it isn't a high or important priority for ME, IMO it still isn't up to YOU to tell your BF how he should be spending his cash.. it was ONE night out with his Friends.. it isn't like he's spending all his money on strippers, porn and taking other girls on dates right?

 

You said you've taken him out in the past right? So are you saying that your BF has NEVER taken you out when he had the money? AND are you saying that if your BF wishes to go out that he isn't allowed to spend any of his money unless it's on you? Would you have still been this upset if your BF had spent money on buying dinner for one of his guy friends or decided he wanted to go nuts in Abercrombie for HIMSELF?

 

There must be something good about him right? AND if there isn't, why stay with him?

[cutieh]

Yea I know I'm entitled to feel however I wish. I was just responding to what you posted.

 

Anyways, personally I don't know how many times he's been to the strip club. There were some occassions when I tried to call him and I could never get a hold of him. So I don't always know what he has done each day.

 

No, he actually denied the part about giving the stripper money. But if he hide telling me that he was going to the strip club, what makes you think he wouldn't lie about the money?

 

And I know I'm not married to him. But if he is not going to give me the respect to tell me when he is going to strip clubs, then I don't care if we are not married. I still have a right to be upset, because he knows I don't like it and he is still MY MAN, point blank. "I was always taught by my mom how a man treats you now is how he's treat you when your married to him." Still hiding information and not telling you about it. And still justifies his not telling me. He didn't appologize or anything. Also, we do live together and do split the rent bill. So this was at a harship time where we were struggling to get the rent paid. I had to pay it all until he could come up with his half. I know his money is his. But he is still suppose to be responsible for his half of the bills. I don't ask him to buy me anything and he doesn't. Only thing he would buy me is when we use to go out occassionally and he would pay for it, that's it.

 

And I never said that I expect my boyfriend to spend his money only on me. I'm not like that. But he hasn't taken me out in two months. He could even become creative and do little romantic things. He doesn't even do that. You don't have to always spend money. I ask him for a back massage because I have neck problems. I had to go to therapy for this. The therapist said it a be good to have a family or friend give you masssages at home. He won't even give me a massage.

 

But, seriously if your boyfriend hasn't taken you out in two months would you feel a little neglected?