DonJuan` Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Its like the one day she will be all fine and everything will be perfect, then the next day i'll act exactly the same, but she will think that i am being "distant" or "not myself". This leads me to think that she is insecure, and thinks that she might not be "good enough for me", as she puts it. So i guess what i am asking, is, what can i do to make her feel "worthy" of me and stop being insecure and thinking that i'll run off with some "better" chick? I have told her many times that she is the only chick i want, and no1 else, and then she is fine, till the next day, etc, catch my drift? Our past.... Well we were together for 6 months up until April when i told her to f*ckoff because i had enough of her bulls*** ( every day she would wake up and "want" something else.. the one day she would want to be with me and tells me she would die if i had to leave her, and then the next day she suggests that we just be friends, and when i say fine, she cries for a week telling me that she isnt good enough for me) ... and then about a month ago i decided to give her another chance, and now we are back together. Another thing... when we go out and guys hit on her, i'm fine with that, she cant help it that guys hit on her, but then when girls hit on me, she will ask me for a WEEK after that "did u think that girl was hot?" and "would u kiss her?" and "why were u flirting" (when i wasnt) ... she is just so insecure, and i dont know what to do. And for some reason, i have come to loving this girl, and i am not willing to "next" her. Anyways, i dont wanna make this too long, but what do you suggest i can do to make her relax abit and stop being so insecure? Thanx for your time Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 How old is she? Some of this sounds like a very young woman/teens emotional dramaQueen-ism (new word). If she is at an age where she should be past this (Say, 21) I think you might do well to sit her down and have a long quiet talk with her about how YOU feel when she does certain things. If you take the focus on yourself "I feel really attacked when you keep asking me about girls at a club that I don't even remember", it gives her the opportunity to see her part without getting all defensive. If she cannot have a calm conversation with you about how her actions affect you and this relationship, you may want to suggest counseling (probably not in the heat of the drama/meltdown). If that's a bust, you may have to re-evaluate your dedication to this woman. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 Hey New_Wife... Sorry, I forgot to mention her age etc. My Age: 19 Her Age: 18 You see... the thing is, is that we will have a talk, and at the end of that talk she will be all happy and "lovey dovey". and the next day she will go back to being insecure again. This does not happen ALL the time, but it happens often enough to become a concern to me. The "me and other girls" thing doesnt really bother me that much, the thing that gets to me the most is that she keeps on giving me mixed signals and being insecure. The one day she will be the happiest girl in the world, she will tell me that she would die if I had to leave her, etc, and then the next day she will suggest a breakup because she doesnt know if she wants a relationship. And I did that once, i said "ok fine, if you dont want to be in a relationship, then dont" and i broke up with her. 2 days later she came crying to me begging for me to take her back, which i did, but she still goes on about how she "isnt good enough for me" and how i "deserve better". Maybe she is looking for me to tell her that she IS good enough etc, maybe she just needs to hear it from me, which I DO tell her, but this is getting crazy, she's like a different person every day and I dont know what else to do about it. I think that at our age, going for counseling about the relationship wont really be suggestible, we are too young for that, and the relationship isnt THAT serious, yet. I think the only thing that could be causing her to act this way is because she is at a stage in her life where her emotions etc are all mixed up which leads her to get very confused and doubtful etc... but now what do i do? stay with her and take all her nonsense, which I am willing to do due to the fact that I'm in love with her, or do I move on as much as it will hurt me? Thanx for the reply and your time. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 No one can answer that question for you. Anyone who tries to is not your friend. Only you know what you can live with, and what you cannot live without. Are you living together? If so, perhaps backing off a bit and living apart, but still seeing each other might be an option? As to the rest, I would try to keep up other interests, other friends, etc. while you are figuring out what you need to do - so that you can keep yourself centered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 We dont live with one another, we see one another every day at college though, and we go out about 1 or 2 times a week. Anyways... I think i'll just stick with her and let nature take its coarse Thanx for the replies Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Hmm.. Well in my experience when someone tells you that you're to good for them and they're not worthy of you the best thing to do is believe them. Don't try to change their mind or talk them into anything. These phrases are used a lot when people want to break up but don't want to be the one to end the relationship.. it seems people often think if they say things like that it somehow makes them appear as a good person who is only looking out for you, but IMO IF looking out for you was really in thier plan then instead of saying they're not good enough, they would do all they could to be good enough make sense? Your GF seems to thrive on drama.. and honestly I don't see that changing any time soon if ever. My advice.. the next time she says this kind of crap to you, I would ask her what she's willing to do so that SHE feels good enough or worthy enough because frankly she's wearing you the hell out with trying to show her all the ways she is... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 Thanx Merin, what you said does make a lot of sence, but I think that the main reason that I am still with her, besides for the fact that i love her, is because the time that everything IS fine (which is about 90% of the time) its PERFECT, but when she does go on her "drama spree" its a nightmare and very irritating. But I guess that with love comes sacrifice and understanding etc, so I'll just do my best to "fix" this problem as promptly as possible, otherwise, I'll just have to wait for her to mature a bit? Thanx for the reply and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by DonJuan` My Age: 19 Her Age: 18 No wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
Vicereine Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Just thought I'd look at this from another angle.. wondering, has she had bad relationships before or been hurt? That is usually where my insecurities stem from, which can be multiplied by depression, does she suffer from depression by chance? Low-self esteem? Possibly even bi-polar/manic depressive? (those highs and lows you mentioned). I can understand somewhat how she feels but she definately needs to stop spazzing out. I'm not sure what you can do exactly, if she has underlying problems get her to work them out. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 I expect your problems have to do with this, from your other post: She still has feelings for some other guy she was with in the "break" that they had from one another. (the break was about 2 months long) Now they see one another all the time an spend a lot of time with one another telling one another how much they want to be with one another and how much they mean to one another. Its been about 2 months and she is still not ready to committ because of these "feelings" she still has for this other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 She still has feelings for some other guy she was with in the "break" that they had from one another. (the break was about 2 months long) Yes.... this is with some other guy that she kissed twice and admitted to not even having strong feelings for him. Now they see one another all the time an spend a lot of time with one another telling one another how much they want to be with one another and how much they mean to one another. they in that sentence is ME and HER... WE see one another all the time an spend a lot of time with one another telling one another how much we want to be with one another, etc. Its been about 2 months and she is still not ready to commit because of these "feelings" she still has for this other guy. yes. LucreziaBorgia: Next time you quote me, please quote in context so that others will not get confused Update: Last night me and her spoke and said to one another that we would not be with other ppl, that we would spend time with each other, and work on things with ME and HER, letting us fall in love with one another again naturally, and she will commit as soon as she does not have any feelings for this other guy anymore. When I asked her why she still had feelings for him she told me that she doesn't know, nor can she help what she feels, and that she wishes that she could just not have feelings for him anymore, but that the only thing that will be able to do that is time. So we kinda came to the agreement that we will just be "friends with benefits" until she is ready to commit to me, which she told me she hopes wont be long. She told me things like i am the only guy she would ever consider having a relationship with and that she has never liked someone as much as she likes me, so i must not think that she is f*cking me around, because she isn't, and i chose to believe her. Anyways, what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 She's I N S E C U R E . You cant change it. You cant make it better. You cant change her or her insecure feelings. They were learned way back when she was a little girl. Whatever happened to her has made her an insecure young adult . The cure ? There is none. She has to get therapy. She cannot do it alone. She can read and do alot of self help books but that takes committment to get change in herself. My experience with insecure partners is that I eventually leave because I cannot make it better for them no matter how many pleadings or confirmations of feelings. That person has to change within themselves. It took her 18 years to get that way. She wont change overnite. She can change with help. I seem to avoid that like the plaque now....once I see the signs that they are insecure. Have to be alot of work on my part, and their part , to make effective changes. Lots of work ....do you want that challenge ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 do you want that challenge ? I guess i'll be willing to take that challenge on if it means that in the future we will be happy, and happy TOGETHER... blah ... maybe i'm just whipped? ... who knows... thanx for the replies guys, i guess time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by DonJuan` they in that sentence is ME and HER... WE see one another all the time an spend a lot of time with one another telling one another how much we want to be with one another, etc. LucreziaBorgia: Next time you quote me, please quote in context so that others will not get confused Update: Last night me and her spoke and said to one another that we would not be with other ppl, that we would spend time with each other, and work on things with ME and HER, letting us fall in love with one another again naturally, and she will commit as soon as she does not have any feelings for this other guy anymore. So we kinda came to the agreement that we will just be "friends with benefits" until she is ready to commit to me, which she told me she hopes wont be long. She told me things like i am the only guy she would ever consider having a relationship with and that she has never liked someone as much as she likes me, so i must not think that she is f*cking me around, because she isn't, and i chose to believe her. Anyways, what do you guys think? Sorry about the misquote. I was thrown off by you referring to yourself and the girlfriend in the third person, after having seen her and the guy she has feelings for referred to by the same third person reference in the previous paragraph. It is unfortunate that she convinced you that "friends with benefits" will lead to her making a decision to commit to you. She is very good at manipulating you, that's for sure. You just agreed to a relationship that works 100% for her. She gets to use you for all the benefits of having a boyfriend, while avoiding the one thing she doesn't want: commitment. What on earth would be her motivation for wanting to change a situation that works so well for her? Falling in love naturally is something that is stunted by "FWB", not helped by it. If you want her to fall in love with you again, you have to give her a reason to fall in love with you. Right now you are providing her with all she wants and needs from you: which right now has nothing to do with falling in love. Why would she fall in love with you, if she has no motivation to? She already gets what she wants from you, and she still has feelings for another guy, and refuses to commit. What do you think will change to make her want to commit to you? You aren't giving her any motivation to want to change. You want to provide motivation? Tell her that you will be her friend, but that all romance/affection/sex/cuddling/etc STOPS, period as long as she refuses to commit to you and has feelings for someone else. If she wants those "girlfriend" type things from you, she has to choose them. Until she is ready to be your girlfriend, and accept the commitment that goes with it - she gets no "benefits". None, nada, zero. She will get treated just like one of your guy friends, and she gets no special preferential treatment. She will have to work to be your girlfriend again. Wouldn't you rather your "friend" choose to want those things from you, and not just take advantage of them because they are there? Take your power back in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Another great post Lucrezia. Don Juan.....I am in the same FWB situation hoping to hell that it convinces my ex gf to fall for me again. Lucrezia is right in that there is no reason she should as she gets all the benefits of a bf from me and still has the freedom to venture out. This will stop with me as of today and hopefully you will do the same in your situation. Best of luck and hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 I guess i SHOULD tell her that no sexual things anymore... but then what? if i get with other women that will mess everything up, wont it? She told me she sint gonna be with anyone BUT me, so what do i do? get with other girls while getting with her too? The way i see it, the more time i spend with her, the faster she will get over the other guy... not so? but if i get with other women, that wont help the situation, will it? I duno.. i'm a little lost now Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 if i get with other women that will mess everything up, wont it? Nooo... the last thing you want right now is to get with some other girl! Just keep to the 'not seeing other people' without doing the FWB thing. If she tells you that she will see other people because you won't let her do the FWB thing, then understand that she doesn't care about what is best for you: she's only in it for herself. As for her 'getting over' this guy by being with you - she hasn't done it yet, has she? She won't have any reason to if you let her keep using you like this while allowing her to have feelings for some other guy. Just tell her that as long as she has feelings for some other guy, all you can offer is friendship in its truest terms: meaning no sex, no cuddling, no affection/intimacy - nothing that you wouldn't do or show with a male friend. You won't see other people - but you won't see her either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 LucreziaBorgia: not doing all that romantic stuff will surely PUSH HER AWAY?!? I will be pushing her away... how does that help her falling in love with me? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 You aren't pushing her away. You are preventing her from using you as a doormat. Offer her friendship, and be there for her. Just don't treat her like a girlfriend. She should only get that privilege as your girlfriend, when she agrees to commit to you and no longer has feelings for some other guy. If she accuses you of pushing her away, just explain that you are more than happy to be her boyfriend - when, and only if - she is ready to commit to you and no longer has feelings for this other guy. Otherwise, you are here as her friend, not her f*cktoy that she gets to use while harboring feelings for some other dude. You will be putting the ball FIRMLY in her court, and making the benefits something she has to choose on your terms, not something she gets to take advantage of on her own terms. Make your heart a prize to be won, not some trinket to be used thoughtlessly. If she wants your heart, she is going to have to work for it, and make some REAL progress and choices if she wants it. Its something she needs to know that she has to choose, not something that she can 'expect'. Protect your heart. Keep it available only for someone who truly wants it, not someone who uses it as a placeholder while her heart is with some other guy. When she is ready, she gets it. Until she is, she doesn't. If you don't treat your heart like something of value, how can she be expected to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 That is one of the best replies i have seen in my life Just 2 things i need to comment about. {1} By doing this she will probably tell me that i am "cutting her out" and all this bulls*** that I am pushing her away and thats not going to help her get over the other guy. I actually spoke to her on the phone about 5 minutes ago and she told me that she NEEDS that intimacy and romance with me in order to help her get over the other guy. So what do i do? "cut her out" and only be a "friend" to her which she tells me will NOT help and will push her away? {2} Will me saying this not make her feel pressurized into making a decision already? What if she makes a decision out of pressure and then regrets it and breaks my heart in the future? I mean... she doesn't wanna go on without having an active sexual life, and i sure as hell dont either. So then what? I dont get it. I mean... when ppl fall in love, they have all the romance etc BEFORE they fall i LOVE with one another... so maybe if we just have all the romance etc going, it will fuel the "love" in a sence.... not true? Anyways... I am seeing her at college tomorrow, so I'll give u an update on that... but what do you think so far? how must i act to her / what must i say to her tomorrow when i see her in regards to all of this? I really dont know which route to take thanx for the replies..... What to do..... what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 she told me that she NEEDS that intimacy and romance with me in order to help her get over the other guy. You may want to let her know that what you need is not to be used by someone for this purpose, and that you will be available to be her boyfriend only after she is over this other guy, and ready to commit. She has basically shown you her true colors: your primary worth to her right now lies in how well you put your own needs aside and allow yourself to be used while she has feelings for another guy. Just be firm. Tell her that its friends or nothing, as long as she has feelings for this guy and as long as she can't commit to you. That will force her to find some other of getting over this guy, besides having to use you to do it. Tell her she has all the time she needs to make her decision, and that you will be there as her friend while she is deciding, but... while she is in a state of indecision she is not going to receive any 'girlfriend' benefits. Period. As long as you are doing the "FWB" thing, the decision can be delayed indefinitely - because there is no real decision she has to make. She already is getting the benefits, so why would she make a choice if she gets the benefits either way? If you withdraw the benefits, she is forced to make a real choice. This isn't about putting pressure on her to make a decision, it is about giving her a real decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 LucreziaBorgia: I love you! I just spoke to her and i told her that either she gives me 100% and i'll give her 100% (commit etc), or we will JUST be friends.... no told me that i was torturing her etc and that she doesn't see me as a friend and cant see me as a friend etc, and as bad as it made me feel, i WAS firm, and i stood by what i said. She is acting all depressed now, and i'm feeling like s***. was this MEANT to happen? she is also flirting a SH!ITLOAD now for some reason, telling me she misses me and sending kisses etc, lol? I have no clue what just happened, but i feel like i kinda got the "power" back here, but it still makes me feel like total s*** because she is sad now ... help?! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Be her friend, and spend time with her and do stuff together - go places, enjoy each other's company. Don't give her the impression that you are abandoning her, or leaving her. Just don't let her have any 'girlfriend' benefits while this is going on. She is acting sad and depressed because she is afraid of losing control over you, and thinks that you will feel sorry for her and back down and give her what she wants. You can let her know that you are sorry she is feeling depressed and sad and that you'll be there for her as a friend, but your decision is final. She is more than welcome to be your friend, but that's all you have to offer as long as she cannot commit to you and has feelings for someone else. Ask her to stop the flirting behavior, or you will have to end the friendship. If she continues to make it an issue, simply remove yourself from the conversation. Say... "you know the deal" and then leave. Hang up, walk away, whatever. Perhaps as friends, she will come to understand that you are worth more than just a 'FWB' and she will come back to you because she genuinely wants to be with you, not because she needs to use you while she gets over someone else. Let her get over this guy on her own, then you two can talk relationship. No need to just let it be a matter of transferring the same feelings from one guy to the next. Let her feelings for this guy die completely, and then you two can start over together to form new feelings between you. Right now, she probably does need a true friend: one who helps her and does not give in to her destructive behavior. Become a rock she can lean on, not a doormat she wipes her feet on. That means cutting off the benefits, and concentrating on being a friend and not a lover. Just stand firm. Be the man she needs, by refusing to be the man she wants you to be right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonJuan` Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 Thanx for all the advice, I'll be sure to keep u posted about how things go.... I think going to movies & stuff together will be a little weird, because we are so use to doing things that we now CANNOT do anymore... but i guess its something we will have to learn to deal with until the time is right for it (when she has sorted herself out and is ready for a relationship with me)... ... thanx again for the advice thanx again... Laterz... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Right On 3 times LucreZia for 3 great posts ! I say its bullsheet that she wants you to wait but still sleep with you while getting over the ex. ! Hopefully you can NOW see the problem with someone getting involved with YOU while they STILL have feelings for someone else. She is not ready. This may tip the scales. But hey Warning ! How do YOU know she wont fall prey to HIS depression and take him back after using you for a while pretending you are her gf and reaping all the gf benefits ? I say watch out. Protect your heart ! Wouldnt you rather have someone who is emotionally stable , available , and OVER their last bf ?? It is disasterous , Trust me on that one. It happened to me. Hopefully you will learn from this for your next BETTER relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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