7 week seperation went south, got the not in love speech

[no idea]

Been married 20 years, two kids 12 and 2. Had some hard times but always been there for each other. I was in the army and been out 12 years. Drank a lot in the army and continued to do so in civvy street.

 

5 years ago she dropped the i am not in love with you speech out of the blue and walked out on me and our 7 year old in september. Long story short she was having an affair. It ended a month later, and we ended up back together by christmas. Promised i would reduce the drinking and we would work on each other.

 

4 years ago on the september was pretty terrible.

 

3 years ago on the september I had a breakdown,tried to strangle her as she called the police. Got taken away etc long story short I stayed at her parents until the case was dropped. she took me back this time. Promised I would never drink again.

 

2 years ago at that time we had a row i got drunk ended up getting done for drink driving and losing my license. Admitted i was an alcoholic and sought proper help.

 

This sept fell off the wagon, she walked out to her mums with the two kids. Was seperated 7 weeks. at the beginning she really wanted to come back but was obviously being advised to wait and make sure. as time went on we were getting less positive. I didnt handle the seperation well and with her gone was drinking still which led to some text wars. We tried having family days out but i ended up not handling them well and they turned to crap. We had been to counselling but the last one was after a text war and i said everything wrong. She suspected i had still been drinking during the seperation but asked if i had drunk during the last txt war and I admitted it - at that point i figured honesty was the best policy to move on properly.

 

Anyways, as i was learning and understand what she had been through and the chances she had given me she was fixed on the fact that after everything i drank again. So just as i was ready to tell her how much i understood now and how sorry i was and i wont be too proud to accept all the help there is - she spoke first and i got the i am not in love with you anymore, am not coming back, we are done.

 

That was in the morning, spoke that evening and next day and day after that. Each time i have said everything i can but she hasnt wavered. Have even just tried to tell her to take some time to make sure before we lose everything and the kids lose their family and home but she isnt interested.

 

Then I remembered, when she had her affair i was pretty pathetic and begged - mostly because i didnt actually know what was going on. But once i reached the point of acceptance and started to talk about moving on she changed her tune.

 

This time though she is telling me to buy her out or sell the house. So i dont know if we can get through this a third time or if she is done. I dont want to act like i am moving on and she get comfortable with it if she really is done. but i cant be pathetic anymore.

 

I dont think am that bothered now about losing her, she broke my heart and i havent really recovered, cant help thinking everything i have turned into wouldnt have been had it not been for her cheating. It is the kids that are tearing me apart, they dont deserve to lose their family or home. my 2 year old deserves a real dad not a weekender. but if she is done its not in my hands anymore.

 

I dont know how to play this.

 

going forward, i cant borrow enough to buy her out of the house. I desperately wanted to keep it for the kids sakes because they will stay with me almost half the time. she wants the money but i know she cant force me to sell. Its a joint mortgage, she hasnt paid anything or worked for 2.5 years since the baby - i have worked loads of overtime to pay her to chill.

 

my fear is rather than realising what she is giving up she comes for the house and a court gives it to her until the youngest is 18. She cant afford it, I can, she couldnt even get a mortgage but could a court give it to her and force me to still pay for it? If i sell i walk away with a large deposit and can get a small house - which i will hate, and she wont be able to do anything with her share. If i stay and she comes for the house i get locked out for 16 years and have no deposit and not enough to do anything.

 

i know i will be the one that suffers in this, its been my fault and i will realise what is lost once its gone, i dont want this but might not be able to change it this time.

[Mr. Lucky]

i know i will be the one that suffers in this, its been my fault and i will realise what is lost once its gone, i dont want this but might not be able to change it this time.

 

What is it about September for you?

 

I can only imagine what the other half of your story sounds like. In your race to the bottom, I'd guess you've burned so many bridges she not only doesn't believe you, she doesn't believe in you. Not much equity left in the marriage, it's been spent by both of you.

 

Have you retained a lawyer? He can help you sort out the financial issues. Also, a program like AA would help you get to sobriety and be a better Dad.

 

No other choice but to go forward from here. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, I guess Mr. Lucky has summed it up quite clearly. I don't really know what kind of answers you are wanting. You've done everything to kill your marriage for a long time with some help from your WW and now you are wondering what happened. Guess you just have to accept what is, sell your house, file for divorce and move on with your life as best you can. There is nothing left in your marriage that can be retrieved. The time for corrective action is long past.

 

I guess all of us on the forum can only wish you the best for your future or whatever of it you have. One thing is clear. You just have to get rid of your drinking habit. Warm wishes.

[no idea]

Thanks. I guess i am bothered about her. This last week i have realised that and how i blew all my chances instead of grabbing them with both hands. She was willing to keep trying right upto a few days ago but seems to have decided she had enough. Having finally faced my shame and guilt and seen it for what it was i love her even more and couldnt feel worse.

 

Had hoped someone could say its not beyond repair just prove yourself or do the 180 or something.

 

Her affair really crushed me, thats what september meant to me, reliving it at a time easy to remember as the first week the kids go back to school. I suppose it still plays on my mind and trust is an issue but i have broken hers more.

 

I held onto hurt and anger and made excuses and blamed her for a lot right upto this week when i was finally able to put myself in her shoes by letting it go, not hiding behind it and facing my own shame and guilt.

 

Now with eyes wide open i couldnt be more sorry. I only need one more chance to earn back her respect and love and make this right but i think she may be done now.

[Satu]

I sympathise with your pain, but I think that like many alcoholics, you haven't really understood the full magnitude of the pain that your alcohol problem can cause. A point is reached where the other person just can't take it anymore. She's reached that point.

 

I don't think that anything you could do is likely to turn this around.

 

So it boils down to this:

 

1. Get into a focussed recovery program for your alcohol problem, and stick to it like your life depends on it (because it does).

 

2. Concentrate on being the best father you can be.

 

3. Stay single long enough to achieve 1 and 2, before you even think about being with someone new.

 

It's hard, but its doable.

 

The breakup isn't all your fault given the affair, so don't punish yourself.

 

 

Take care.

Edited November 5, 2016 by Satu

[no idea]

I asked her to come over and talk about things properly just us two. She only dropped this on me thursday. Was all calm and relaxed. She knows how much i understand now but just doesnt want it. She knows she cant really manage on her own but would rather be in debt in a crappy place than try again or come back even just for the kids and security. She wants her own life it seems. I dont know if over time and me moving on and being sober and happy will make her realise what is being lost or not but it seems like this really is it.

[Marc878]

Everyone has a breaking point and it looks like she has reached hers.

 

I'm sorry but she deserves better.

[no idea]

Yes she does. Problem is the counselling opened my eyes, made me face my shame and guilt which enabled me to see it all from her side. What she was saying, how important it was, how much she actually tried. It has made me the man she wanted me to be but am too late to the party. And now i see how much she did try, how much she gave and did live me and how wrong i was, i love her more than ever for that. I love her more than ever, would give anything to make it right. I cant even hide behind anger now i woke up so have to face what i have thrown away with my eyes wide open. I only hope she changes her mind in time but dont see it happening

[Satu]

It's a very sad situation, but not an unusual one.

 

Addictions, be it alcoholism or another form of substance abuse, are one of the major causes of marriage and family breakdown.

 

 

"The effects of alcoholism on families can cause more damage and pain than any other internal or external influence on the family unit. The impact of the drinker’s abuse or addiction is usually manifested differently with each member of the family and has long-term implications.

 

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism reports that more than one-half of adults in the U.S. have a close family member who has abused alcohol or is addicted to the drug."

 

"Children: Children who are born without birth defects and live with a father and/or mother who is an alcohol abuser or addict experience severe effects that may include:

 

Low self-esteem

Feelings of guilt and despair

Loneliness and fear of abandonment

Chronic depression

High levels of anxiety and stress"

 

 

"Spouse or Partner: Alcoholism has a transforming effect on the spouse or partner that can create significant mental trauma and physical health problems. Divorce rates among couples where one or both partners drinks is much higher than average.

 

As alcohol abuse or addiction progresses, the non-drinking spouse often grows into a compulsive care-taking role, which creates feelings of resentment, self-pity and exhaustion."

 

Source

 

 

All that is painful to read, but the good news is that there are a lot of resources out there for people who want to make a recovery from alcoholism.

 

Start seeking out all the help that you can find in your area and begin a real and lasting recovery.

 

 

Take care.

[Mr. Lucky]

I dont know if over time and me moving on and being sober and happy will make her realise what is being lost or not but it seems like this really is it.

 

That would be a win/win. Sobriety is your only hope of reconnecting with her and it's also a key to moving forward if divorce happens.

 

You've been asked a couple times now - are you in a program like AA?

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

You need to see a divorce attorney for your questions about the house and division of property and assets etc.

 

As you have a history of substance abuse, child custody and visitation etc will also be a legal point for which you will need counsel and will need to determine what your rights and responsibilities will be.

 

My suggestion is that if you have a close and trusted family member like a parent or sibling that is completely sober and chemical free, see if they can do some kind of temporary Power of Attorney or guardianship or something on your behalf and have them work between you and your attorney.

 

The problem is your brain simply does not work right when it is under the influence of intoxicants and no matter how hard you try or how badly you want to, you simply cannot think, respond, reason or make wise decisions for yourself while you are in this state.

 

Even if you were to stop drinking today, it would take months or even a year or more for your brain to recover enough to make sound rational decisions and respond to the events taking place in your life in a sound and reasonable manner.

 

As far as your wife and your relationship, things like abuse, alcoholism/addiction, abandonment, infidelity etc are all very reasonable and legitimate deal-breakers. Each of you is perfectly within your right to dissolve this marriage and get away from the toxicity of being with each other.

 

You may not see it this way, but your children are better off with one sane, sober and responsible parent than they are with two dysfunctional people that are toxic together and have an environment of chronic dysfunction, abuse, alcoholism, adultery etc etc.

 

If you can sober up and straighten your life out and be a responsible, involved, supportive single parent that is active and present in your children's lives as a divorced couple, they will be better off than in a environment with two parents that are all messed up.

 

Children are not harmed by living in an environment with two loving, supportive, sober single parents who happen to live in two separate homes. They are harmed by chronic hostility, chemical abuse, physical abuse, neglect etc etc.

 

As long as you sober up and are a supportive, loving, active parent that cooperates and coparents with their mother, they will be fine.

[stillafool]

Thanks. I guess i am bothered about her. This last week i have realised that and how i blew all my chances instead of grabbing them with both hands. She was willing to keep trying right upto a few days ago but seems to have decided she had enough. Having finally faced my shame and guilt and seen it for what it was i love her even more and couldnt feel worse.

 

Had hoped someone could say its not beyond repair just prove yourself or do the 180 or something.

 

Her affair really crushed me, thats what september meant to me, reliving it at a time easy to remember as the first week the kids go back to school. I suppose it still plays on my mind and trust is an issue but i have broken hers more.

 

I held onto hurt and anger and made excuses and blamed her for a lot right upto this week when i was finally able to put myself in her shoes by letting it go, not hiding behind it and facing my own shame and guilt.

 

Now with eyes wide open i couldnt be more sorry. I only need one more chance to earn back her respect and love and make this right but i think she may be done now.

 

Maybe you should tell her the above and ask for another chance. What can it hurt at this point?

[Just a Guy]

Hi no idea, you have been given a lot of sensible and very good advice by a number of posters here. In my opinion you have maybe, one slim chance to get your wife and family back and that is to turn over a new leaf, shun alcohol like the plague, straighten yourself out mentally and physically and make yourself an attractive man for any woman not just your wife. If, when your wife sees this change in you and is attracted to the new you, you can then decide whether you would like to get back with her or with someone new who may be more attractive and compatible and with no baggage (read infidelity) to bring to your new relationship. The one thing in your favour that I can see is that although you are carrying a lot of baggage, your wife too, has her fair share of unpleasant baggage and so once you are clear of your addiction, you will be the more attractive proposition than her. In fact she will have to move heaven and earth to be able to get back with you. You will be the prize.

 

So I guess the first step is to get into a rehab program and really work on yourself to get back to being a normal and healthy human being. Your wife herself will have to work on herself by attending IC and finding out why she needed to cheat on you. To my mind you would be best served by making a clean break from her by going in for a divorce and starting on a clean slate. This may be painful for you but remember that there is no gain without pain. Always keep your end goal of getting back with your wife/ meeting a new and more attractive and compatible partner in mind and then just jump into what needs to be done. Of course through all this procedure you would need the services of a lawyer so lawyer up! Cheers.

[no idea]

Thanks guys. All good advice. Re the alcoholism thing, i admitted i was an alcoholic when i lost my license but am not sure i need help like others. I dont need alcohol, have no physical addiction to it, can often have just a few drinks and stop but sometimes i start and either it gets too regular over time or i just drink way too much at once because my off switch doesnt work. Alcohol is my only vice, when i left the army we moved to my wifes town with her friends and family.

 

I have always worked shifts and off days split between working on a house that needed a lot and being a dad. I didnt have time to make friends or have a hobby, in 12 years i took nothing for myself, everyday has been devoted to the kids, working on the houses we have had or working for money. A drink was a treat, a relax, the only thing i had. I didnt even go out to the pub because i would rather be at home with my family. For years i would start a night shift at 7pm get home at 7.40am as my wife left for work. I got my daughter fed and dressed and to school. Grabbed a coupke of hours sleep then picked her up from school, did homework, played, fed her and left for work again just as my wife got home at 6pm. And she quit her job because she didnt like working in an office. All through this i have worked myself stupid while she has sat on her ass.

 

I never had time for a life so a drink was it, like having a box of chocolates. I know it gets out of hand though if i drink way too much at once because i lose common sense. Have gone long periods of 6-8 months no problem. The problem was when she started to complain and i made promises it turned into secret drinking which meant vodka. Now the kids come first, i cant risk them.

 

Even now though i dont see what life i can build. I work 4 on 4 off. On my 4 rest days i need my children. There is still no time for hobby or friends or women. She has always had nothing but free time, a full social calender and friends - she will be fine, as usual.

[no idea]

Also i have always put the kids first, she resented that because she didnt cone first. Even in her world she comes first. Even now she is only thinking of herself. She resented how close i was with our eldest and that she felt like a spare part because my daughter never wanted her. She used my devotion to the kids to have permenant childcare so she could do whatever she wanted. Am pretty sure that will continue, but from my point of view they should come first and have my time anyway

[elaine567]

Thanks guys. All good advice. Re the alcoholism thing, i admitted i was an alcoholic when i lost my license but am not sure i need help like others. I dont need alcohol, have no physical addiction to it, can often have just a few drinks and stop but sometimes i start and either it gets too regular over time or i just drink way too much at once because my off switch doesnt work. Alcohol is my only vice, when i left the army we moved to my wifes town with her friends and family.

 

A drink was a treat, a relax, the only thing i had. I didnt even go out to the pub because i would rather be at home with my family. For years i would start a night shift at 7pm get home at 7.40am as my wife left for work. I got my daughter fed and dressed and to school. Grabbed a coupke of hours sleep then picked her up from school, did homework, played, fed her and left for work again just as my wife got home at 6pm. And she quit her job because she didnt like working in an office. All through this i have worked myself stupid while she has sat on her ass.

 

I never had time for a life so a drink was it, like having a box of chocolates. I know it gets out of hand though if i drink way too much at once because i lose common sense. Have gone long periods of 6-8 months no problem. The problem was when she started to complain and i made promises it turned into secret drinking which meant vodka. Now the kids come first, i cant risk them.

 

Even now though i dont see what life i can build. I work 4 on 4 off. On my 4 rest days i need my children. There is still no time for hobby or friends or women. She has always had nothing but free time, a full social calender and friends - she will be fine, as usual.

 

Seems to me here you are justifying the alcohol and have gone back to blaming your wife for all your troubles.

[no idea]

Yes i suppose. Was trying to point out that i dont need vodka when i wake up, am not physically addicted it became a habit more than anything and habits are hard to break but thats all she wanted. I never felt appreciated though for what i did, i guess drinking at night instead of spending time with her made her feel the same.

[Herbalist]

Had to take a few deep breaths before responding to this thread. I don't want my intention to be to hurt your feelings, just to try to open your eyes.

 

You keep bringing up your kids, how you always put them first, how you're thinking of what's best for them, etc.

 

You are dangerous to your children. You have already emotionally and psychologically traumatized them in some ways, I guarantee it. Chances are your children will be in therapy someday, working on issues that you caused in them. And instead of actually focusing on how it affects children to live with an alcoholic parent, it's like you are trying to use them as guilt trip fodder to justify getting what you want.

 

This is just how vile addiction really is. Look at what you are becoming, what you have become.

 

My father was like you in these regards. I will never fully heal from that. And also, he never took treatment seriously. Always excuses, always blaming others, always back to drinking. He developed alcohol dementia (korsakoff's syndrome) and died.

 

You need to wake up.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Noidea, I'm not clear as to what you are trying to get at. A while ago you seemed very remorseful about the way you treated your wife only when she finally told you she was done trying to save the relationship. You harped on the fact she tried for a long time by giving you chance after chance which you kept ignoring till the final nail in the coffin was hammered in. After that you suddenly discovered that you loved your wife and family and wanted her to give you one last chance to prove yourself after your last counselling session. Of course your wife told you that she was done and you have been filled with remorse ever since Turing the fact that you did not wake up earlier. After my last post you seem to have changed your tune and are now painting your wife as a stay at home social body having a good time while you worked your a.. off putting bread on the table and a roof over your family's head. You are also blaming your wife for being peeved with you for putting your kids first and her second. You are also minimizing your drinking addiction which is typical of addicts when they rationalize to all and sundry who will listen including themselves, that their drinking is under control and they can dump the habit whenever they want. I think that is the most dangerous thing to do and I would draw your attention again to Satu's post on alcohol addiction. Do not fool yourself. Get treatment for your addiction because it is a disease and unless you recognize it as such you will not make any progress in being able to heal yourself or recover yourself as a normal individual. I think Elaine made a good point about you blaming your wife instead of looking inwards and dealing with your own devils. In any case it is up to you now as to what happens in your life. If you keep deluding yourself that you have no problem the situation will only worsen. Life has a way of settling the balance and you have a small slim chance of working the odds in your favour. Warm wishes.

[no idea]

Thanks, i do hear what you say and i know it, i just dont want to face it. I wanted us to stay togetger to have a happy home to make up for what i have done. I wanted the seperation to end wuick because i knew it was hurting the girls but i got sulky when she kept waiting and i kept making it worse.

 

I do put the kids first, always have. Having our first changed me from an emotionless soldier to a father, nothing was more important to me. I spent every minute i could with her.

 

That was genuine but my failing was that drinking was a weakness, how could i really be putting them first if i could drink? I know its contradictary. In my head and heart they are first, just drinking is a selfish thing. It wont be anymore. I cant risk losing them too or damaging them anymore. I never wanted any of this. All i ever wanted was to be a good dad, give them a good home and a happy childhood. I would do anything for a chance to fix this and not put them through it

[no idea]

Just a guy - you are right. I wasnt justifying things in as much as trying to point out i am not a total wreck addicted to alcohol. I have been to AA before. It wasnt for me. Those people were addicts and had mostly lost everything, what it made me realise is that if i didnt control it I could one day easily end up like them. Sadly i have now just about lost everything. The only thing left is my job and my kids. I intend to get help, AA wasnt for me, have booked some hypnotherapy, will see how that helps before looking for some other groups.

[LancasterAmos1966]

So just as i was ready to tell her how much i understood now and how sorry i was and i wont be too proud to accept all the help there is - she spoke first and i got the i am not in love with you anymore, am not coming back, we are done.

 

 

 

No Idea, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Losing your Beloved Bride can cause lots of heartaches, no matter if it's your fault, her fault, or both spouses.

 

You came here asking for some help, and from what I've read you have been given some good advice.

 

Your wife might be done. That is her choice to make.

 

I did not drink, but I still lost of my wife after 20+ years of marriage. You and I have different stories, but we both have the same results. We both lost our Beloved Bride.

 

Now, you can choose to have a pity party for the next 30 years. You can become angry, depressed and act like your life has no future.

 

Or you can work through the grieving process, and get some help for any issues that you are facing to stand tall once again.

 

You said you are an "alcoholic" --- if that is true, then you might want to look into a rehab called Teen Challenge USA. Don't let the name fool you. You can google the name to get some more information. I know about them because they have small groups that go around the country to sing at churches, and I actually just saw them last week at our local Walmart with a stand at the front door.

 

At this point, I think you could use a friendly pep talk -- You can make it, you can get through this, and you can stand tall once again!!

[LancasterAmos1966]

The only thing left is my job and my kids.

 

 

If you were my best friend, I'd say you have a lot more than many other people have!!

 

You have a job, so that means you have fairly good health.

 

You can earn an income, so you will be able to support your wife and kids.

 

And you did have a 20 year marriage, so please don't be angry over any support she might get from the courts. And if she doesn't go to court, then I'd suggest you support her voluntarily for a period of time. Don't do it to get her back, but do it because you love her enough for her to start a new chapter of life.

 

You have your kids!! Again, that is great. I've been told that a spouse might leave you, but a kid will always want to treat you like their dad. So, do whatever you must do to keep the relationship going with them.

 

Ok, so you don't have a huge drinking problem -- you should be happy about that too. Whatever drinking problem you do have seems like you can get this under control. Just do it asap before you lose anything else.

 

Do whatever you think is good for you, just be the best man you can be for yourself, first. That will then rub off onto your other relationships.

[MJJean]

My friend since High School, C, had a terrible first marriage. I was thrilled when she married a man named D. Great guy, liked him very much. We even became friends in our own right.

 

He had a drinking problem. He also had a history very similar to yours. After C had enough and they separated, I talked to him and he was all about being a great man for his son, not drinking anymore, he wasn't really an alcoholic anyways, a lot of it was because the marriage was a mess...sound familiar?

 

C and D's divorce was final in December that year. They were both seeing other people and seemed happy in their new relationships. D's GF was talking about trying for a baby.

 

By the end of January, D was drinking again. Just a few one night with the guys. Just a couple mixed drinks while watching TV after work. Then he slippery sloped into a drunk driving offense. Due to his drinking, the court deemed him unsafe to supervise his child and ordered supervised visitation one hour a week until he got professional help for his drinking, completed a rehab program, submitted to random alcohol tests, and then the court would revisit the visitation to gradually increase parenting time.

 

In February he sent me a FB message talking about how much he loved his son and was determined to turn his life around, how he hoped we'd all forgive him for his temporary insanity, and how he's come out of his dark time.

 

The next day I received an incoherent phone call from C, she was at the hospital under sedation, D had killed himself while drunk a few hours after he sent the message on FB.

 

Your life very well may depend on getting the help you need to work through your issues, face your problems head on, and stay sober.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just a guy - you are right. I wasnt justifying things in as much as trying to point out i am not a total wreck addicted to alcohol. I have been to AA before. It wasnt for me. Those people were addicts and had mostly lost everything

 

And you're doing fine?

 

Almost everyone, when they first look into that room at AA or NA, sees a bunch of losers and people beneath them. In reality, those "addicts" demonstrate a daily courage and humility you lack, much to your current detriment.

 

Sorry to say, you just haven't found your bottom yet. The good news is, when you do, there will be folks waiting to help you. Hope you take advantage...

 

Mr. Lucky