is it time to breakup with my old best friend?

[ivyivy]

i have know this girl for about 20 years and we were truly best friends. we shared deep secrets and had many laughs together. i stopped talking to her because i was very depressed and at the time i had a falling out with my family and i didn't want them to go through her to find out how i was doing.

 

she got a hold of me and it's been like old times, lots of hours on the phone and sharing lots of stories and laughter. she says that her and i are alike as far as sense of humor goes. she considers me her best friend.

 

one of the things that is bothering me though and makes me question how loyal and honest is she as a friend, is that other people consider her their best friend too. a couple of these girls end up pouring their hearts out to her with different aspects of their lives. they share with her details of their love lives some normal, some sexual, secret thoughts, decisions they have to make in their lives and problems that they are going through. When she calls me up on the phone she tells me all the details of everything that they have said. she's very annoyed and her and i begin to judge and pick apart the nature of their story and say what we would do to make it right.

 

she has been friends with someone else throughout the years. she refuses to cut things off with the girl because she feels as though the girl isn't mentally stable and will end up killing herself. this girl does have other friends though. so she is very attentive to the girl and her stories face to face, yet is quick to tell me what she says. she doesn't want to cut things off with her because she has professional services that she provides to my friend at a discount. i suggested that she should cut it off and pay full price some where else, but she refuses to do so.

 

anyways, please share your thoughts and opinions with me. when i ask her for her honest opinion on something, i notice that she will not give me a direct answer and 2 recent occasion she has called me a mother****er for kind of doing something silly with my family. i don't call her names, not even in a joking way, so that does bother me and this is something new she has started to do.

[mrs rubble]

i have know this girl for about 20 years and we were truly best friends. we shared deep secrets and had many laughs together. i stopped talking to her because i was very depressed and at the time i had a falling out with my family and i didn't want them to go through her to find out how i was doing.

 

she got a hold of me and it's been like old times, lots of hours on the phone and sharing lots of stories and laughter. she says that her and i are alike as far as sense of humor goes. she considers me her best friend.

 

one of the things that is bothering me though and makes me question how loyal and honest is she as a friend, is that other people consider her their best friend too. a couple of these girls end up pouring their hearts out to her with different aspects of their lives. they share with her details of their love lives some normal, some sexual, secret thoughts, decisions they have to make in their lives and problems that they are going through. When she calls me up on the phone she tells me all the details of everything that they have said. she's very annoyed and her and i begin to judge and pick apart the nature of their story and say what we would do to make it right.

 

she has been friends with someone else throughout the years. she refuses to cut things off with the girl because she feels as though the girl isn't mentally stable and will end up killing herself. this girl does have other friends though. so she is very attentive to the girl and her stories face to face, yet is quick to tell me what she says. she doesn't want to cut things off with her because she has professional services that she provides to my friend at a discount. i suggested that she should cut it off and pay full price some where else, but she refuses to do so.

 

anyways, please share your thoughts and opinions with me. when i ask her for her honest opinion on something, i notice that she will not give me a direct answer and 2 recent occasion she has called me a mother****er for kind of doing something silly with my family. i don't call her names, not even in a joking way, so that does bother me and this is something new she has started to do.

 

I hope her "professional services" don't require privacy, coz it sounds like you're hearing things you shouldn't be hearing.

Anyone who calls you names like that is not worth being friends with IMO.

[ivyivy]

Thank you for your input

 

The girl she should cut off has a photography business. She wants to keep contact because she takes amazing pictures and gives discounts. I have recently crossed paths with this girl and was tempted to tell her that she isn't liked at all by our friend because she wanted all of us to get together for a day.

 

My childhood friend is in the medical field and she has violated HIPAA by sharing stories, names and pictures of a client to me. I did tell her she was violating HIPAA by sharing this information with me, but she didn't care.

 

I think I will ghost her for the 3rd and final time. I don't feel like giving an explanation to her and my trust has been broken over a Facebook post that she encouraged me to post, but refuses to give me her honest opinion on after the fact although she she gave play by play of the post before I got involved. I can't blame her for what i posted, but I just wanted her to be honest with me and she is avoiding doing so

Edited November 5, 2016 by ivyivy
typos

[preraph]

There's no such thing as monogamy in friendship. She can be the best friend with as many people as she wishes and it's not betrayal to you. Why would you WANT her to stop being friends with any of them? That's her call, just like who you remain friends with is your call. In my 20s, I remember a few different guys told me I was their best friend, and yet my best friends were old girlfriends I'd known forever.

 

You are acting like a jealous lover, so you might want to examine why.

[ivyivy]

i don't mind if she has other best friends, but i do get worried that maybe she isn't loyal to her best friends, me included. she is telling me their confidential information which makes me wonder will she also do the same about me?

 

clearly they feel comfortable opening up to her about their life problems and she appears to do a good job listening, but coming back to me and telling me about it, makes me question this friendship. hope it makes sense now

 

she has been complaining to me for months about the photographer because she makes her uncomfortable, but she won't cut her off because she fears the girl will kill herself or something drastic. she listens to her stories and then will contact me and tell me everything they talked about. i guess i'm worried about the two faced nature of my friend, not the amount of friends that she has.

 

i realize that the way i did type the original question, that it could look like i could have an issue with her having other friends, but that's not the issue i have. we are far away and the others are very close to her as far as them getting together

 

the original sentence should have said...." is that other people consider her their best friend too and (not .a) couple of these girls end up pouring their hearts out..."

Edited November 5, 2016 by ivyivy

[BettyDraper]

Thank you for your input

 

The girl she should cut off has a photography business. She wants to keep contact because she takes amazing pictures and gives discounts. I have recently crossed paths with this girl and was tempted to tell her that she isn't liked at all by our friend because she wanted all of us to get together for a day.

 

My childhood friend is in the medical field and she has violated HIPAA by sharing stories, names and pictures of a client to me. I did tell her she was violating HIPAA by sharing this information with me, but she didn't care.

 

I think I will ghost her for the 3rd and final time. I don't feel like giving an explanation to her and my trust has been broken over a Facebook post that she encouraged me to post, but refuses to give me her honest opinion on after the fact although she she gave play by play of the post before I got involved. I can't blame her for what i posted, but I just wanted her to be honest with me and she is avoiding doing so

 

So she's unethical on top of being an untrustworthy gossip?!

I was in the medical field before I stopped working and breech of confidentiality was taken very seriously.

[BettyDraper]

There's no such thing as monogamy in friendship. She can be the best friend with as many people as she wishes and it's not betrayal to you. Why would you WANT her to stop being friends with any of them? That's her call, just like who you remain friends with is your call. In my 20s, I remember a few different guys told me I was their best friend, and yet my best friends were old girlfriends I'd known forever.

 

You are acting like a jealous lover, so you might want to examine why.

 

This. There should be no expectation of exclusivity when it comes to friendships.

[ivyivy]

I'm not asking or wanting anyone to cut friendships off because I feel like I should be the only best friend, I thought I made that clear after the first commenter thought that's what I was saying

 

I'm uncomfortable because she's telling me personal things about other people which I wouldn't do when it comes to any of my best friends

 

English is my first language and I am American, but am I writing that horribly or so unclear in my post, that it makes people think she shouldn't have any other best friends?

[Survivor12]

I'm not asking or wanting anyone to cut friendships off because I feel like I should be the only best friend, I thought I made that clear after the first commenter thought that's what I was saying

 

I'm uncomfortable because she's telling me personal things about other people which I wouldn't do when it comes to any of my best friends

 

English is my first language and I am American, but am I writing that horribly or so unclear in my post, that it makes people think she shouldn't have any other best friends?

 

"one of the things that is bothering me though and makes me question how loyal and honest is she as a friend, is that other people consider her their best friend too."

 

That is exactly what you said was one of the things that was bothering you.

[ivyivy]

after preraph responded I thought my next post addressed that I'm not jealous friend, but am I trusting someone who gains other people's trust and then makes fun of other people their back? I also typed the what I meant in post 5, but Betty didn't seem to notice that or maybe I didn't make the correction clear enough.

 

anyways, I'm cutting the friendship because I don't want a mean girl friend.next time I make a post I will have to proof read it and keep it simple and to the point. I thank everyone for responding despite my errors in my post <3

[anika99]

This. There should be no expectation of exclusivity when it comes to friendships.

 

You two totally missed the point of the post. OP doesn't have a problem with her friend having other friends. She has a problem with the disloyalty her friend shows to her other friends. Her friend gains their confidence, they open up to her and tell her their problems and secrets and then she uses that information to gossip about them and judge them.

 

OP I understand why you don't trust her, I wouldn't either. Is she vindictive at all? If she is you might not want to suddenly break off the friendship but rather just do a sort of fade out. Don't be the one to call her, be busy when she suggests meeting, and don't tell her anything about your life. If she says anything about your standoffish demeanor just say you are dealing with stuff and keeping to yourself. Since she has so many friends she will just naturally gravitate towards them and stop calling you.

 

On the other hand, if you value the friendship and think she can listen to your concerns with an open mind then you might want to have an honest discussion with her about what's bothering you. However based on your description of her I don't think she would be receptive, I think she would be offended and she would run to her other friends to complain about you and pick you apart. No matter what you decide you know you can't tell her anything about yourself that you don't want a bunch of other people knowing so don't tell her anymore personal stuff.

[anika99]

"one of the things that is bothering me though and makes me question how loyal and honest is she as a friend, is that other people consider her their best friend too."

 

That is exactly what you said was one of the things that was bothering you.

 

That was the opening line. The entire paragraph went on to explain what she meant. You are taking one sentence and twisting it out of context by ignoring the rest of the post.

[anika99]

I'm not asking or wanting anyone to cut friendships off because I feel like I should be the only best friend, I thought I made that clear after the first commenter thought that's what I was saying

 

I'm uncomfortable because she's telling me personal things about other people which I wouldn't do when it comes to any of my best friends

 

English is my first language and I am American, but am I writing that horribly or so unclear in my post, that it makes people think she shouldn't have any other best friends?

 

I think you just worded things a little out of order. When I first started reading your post I too thought you were going to complain about your friend having other friends but since I don't go off half cocked and make snap judgements I reserved my opinion until I read and absorbed your entire post, rather than picking out bits of it and twisting the meaning to suit my assumptions.

[preraph]

Well, she probably does talk about you too,but to be honest, to me, this is what it's like having close friends and unless they are intentionally trying to hurt or betray you, it's just how gossipy friends pass the time and bond. I'd be sorely disappointed if none of my friends liked to dish.

[Survivor12]

That was the opening line. The entire paragraph went on to explain what she meant. You are taking one sentence and twisting it out of context by ignoring the rest of the post.

 

Yes, it was ONE of the things, then she mentioned the others. I was answering her question about why people thought that her "friend" shouldn't have other friends.

[ivyivy]

I took a Facebook break after getting involved a religious post because I thought my friend thought I shared too much. we both used to attend and our parents still go. she called me and gave me her opinion on it and she felt like there was going to be a big uproar over what I posted.

I told her on the phone that I worried she was upset over what I said in the past and that's why she hadn't called me back.

 

I came back to Facebook today after the election, made a positive post about trump and hope we could fix the country. I said that we needed to stop giving hand outs.my niece came in and made a comment about and said do you know why there are handouts because Republicans are pro choice. I said that I'm not affiliated with any party, but it's a woman's right to choose. I haven't ever aborted a child and I wouldn't, but if a woman chooses to, it's her choice.

 

hours later the friend that I had doubts about deleted and blocked me as a friend. she had an abortion many years ago. I never gave her a problem about it and understood why she chose to do what she did. we chose different candidates to vote for and i did hope that trump would turn the country around. was i rude with my comment?

 

now, I guess my doubts were right about her and it is a relief that she's gone. she complained to me literally about everyone friend she came across. I don't know if she will contact me again. is it necessary to say goodbye in an email or just go, never to say anything again. at this point I blocked her number. sorry, I just feel like I spent so much time with her on the phone this year. honestly, I feel like she is so different from when we were kids, like really nasty