Why Does She Do This To Me?

[Swan89]

Met a girl in 1st year of university and dated for 2 months.

It didn't work, she had emotional issues + not over her ex. I was also not too mature and had walls up/didn't like her depressive tendencies.

 

She tried several times to be friends but I didn't want that.1 year later we've started talking again and I said I wanted to try again and she said lets go with the flow. So now we've started to hang out and hookup again, she sexual chemistry as strong as ever. I really thought this time apart would have helped us both better ourselves but I feel like I'm the only one who's made any self improvement.

 

She still talks about her ex all the time and ive told her a few times I don't want to hear about him but she still does it and is friends with him. Her being friends with him has probably made it worse but she says she doesn't care what he does or who he dates, they're just friends and incompatible as their relationship was volatile.

 

I got my adhd diagnosed and medicated, much more mature and capable of a relationship, she said I've changed. However she knows I never wanted to break up and that I like her but I'm sick of feeling undesired or crushed on like she did when we first met.

 

I'm taking my time and letting her come to me and then I ask her out on a date when she reaches out, hoping to rekindle things slowly but this is killing me

 

I'm sorry if this seems like a juvenile situation, but I don't know why she's doing this when she knows how I feel?

Edited November 5, 2016 by Swan89

[SpringAngel83]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds to me like you were her rebound. She clearly isn't over her ex if she hasn't stopped talking about him years later and hasn't disconnected herself from him. Are you anything like this guy? Maybe she has a certain type or he fills some kind of insecure void she has.

 

My advice: Move on. Don't let her keep you on the back burner.

[basil67]

Yes, she knows how you feel about it. The problem is that she doesn't care about how you feel. It really is that simple.

[Swan89]

Yeah I have a similar look to him and I am actually better looking, I've even been told this. I don't know what it is he has that I don't unless it's just the case of her having more history with him and her not being over how badly it went and him cheating. I know I'm her type and we are very physically attracted to each other but I'm at a loss trying to be the best guy I can be, following my passions and being independent/not needy.

 

Should I reveal to her any dates with other women that I go on? Would it make her jealous or backfire?

Edited November 5, 2016 by Swan89

[Erik30]

She still talks about her ex all the time and ive told her a few times I don't want to hear about him but she still does it and is friends with him. Her being friends with him has probably made it worse but she says she doesn't care what he does or who he dates, they're just friends and incompatible as their relationship was volatile.

 

She's still not over him, it doesn't matter if you're "better" than her ex. She might think he's perfect, and just makes excuses for some of the bad things he did to her. Sometimes people just have that blind spot. If she didn't care she wouldn't mention him at all.

 

Telling her about other girls you're dating would probably backfire, and make her want her ex back even more. (Because her ex can do no wrong, but you sure can)

[Herbalist]

My advice is don't try to change people, don't ask people to change, and don't make secret deals in your head with people (i.e. I will change the way I think I should, then you change the way I think you should, and then we'll start over from there).

 

Maybe try to indulge in some assertive self-talk for perspective. Like who the hell are you to tell her what to talk about or not talk about? Who the hell are you to pass some judgement upon her and decide that she needs to change in X, Y or Z ways?

 

Then at the same time - You don't have to listen to her talk about anything you don't want to hear about. You don't have to date her. You don't have to be her friend. You don't have to be with a depressed person, especially if it's bad for your own mental health. If you want someone who is fully available (i.e. not hung up on an ex), then search for that and don't waste your precious time on something you don't actually want.

 

The way this could look in practice would be to tell her straight up that while you enjoy having sex with her and anything else you enjoy about her, if she is going to talk about her ex around you, then you are not going to spend time with her anymore. She doesn't need to change or have to change, but you have boundaries, and that's just life.

 

Instead of approaching the situation with a mentality like, "I like having sex with her but don't like it when she talks about her ex, so she needs to stop talking about her ex so that I can keep enjoying sex with her."