when MM/MW divorce.

[minimariah]

so about the MM/MW couples who divorce their betrayed spouses (i'm writing EXCLUSIVELY about APs who were BOTH married); i've noticed a pattern... and i'm not really sure if it really IS a pattern or just something that keeps happening in MY environment.

 

i've noticed that MWs pity their BS far more than the MM pity their BSs. MW's divorce is often amicable, they feel for their BS, they try to mantain some kind of friendship and wish their BS no evil (it is an entirely different story from their BS's point of view). they take full responsibility for their marriage failing and treat their BS like a good man... who just wasn't The One, tough luck. so for their OWN BS - they are full of understanding. if there was no sex -- they blame it on themselves... they usually thought they weren't a sexual person because they didn't know what REAL chemistry feels like, sex wasn't important because they didn't know how GOOD it can be.

 

on the other hand -- they often demonize their MM's BS; she is usually portrayed as an abuser and their MM is the victim. EVERYTHING is the BS's fault... the MW show no empathy or understanding in that direction. if there was no sex in MM's marriage - it is also the BS's fault; she was not interested, something was wrong with her: totally opposite to the view of sex in their own marriage.

 

long story short -- the MWs always seem full of understanding and love for their own BS... but full of vitriol and negativity for their MM's BS... even though it is the same position, the same hurt. they view the same problem, for example - no sex in marriages - differently: while for them (the MW and their marriage)... no sex in their marriage just meant no right chemistry & no right person (lack of experience and knowledge)... in MM's marriage it was a result of the BS's neglect and abuse (he did EVERYTHING right and she was stiff) = same problem but it never occurs to them that the MM's BS was MAYBE experiencing the same thing they (the MW) did in their marriage. the MW's divorce always seems to be amicable in contrast to the MM's divorce; does that mean that women end their marriages on a better note than men?

 

thanks.

 

(i totally wrote that more complicated than it should be but i hope someone will get it! sorry.)

Edited November 5, 2016 by minimariah

[Chica80]

NOPE. I don't blame her at all. She hasn't done anything wrong. I blame him. He made a commitment and he lied. He chooses to continue or not. He has a choice, something he never gave her.

 

As far as my stbx...I dot blame him for A, but I was angry at him for all the issues we had prior that he never wanted to work on. I do wish things had ended differently not this way. I guess I've been angry for so long, I don't want to be angry anymore. SO I wish we could have some semblance of peace. BUT I see my role in all this hurt and pain as well .

[DKT3]

so about the MM/MW couples who divorce their betrayed spouses (i'm writing EXCLUSIVELY about APs who were BOTH married); i've noticed a pattern... and i'm not really sure if it really IS a pattern or just something that keeps happening in MY environment.

 

i've noticed that MWs pity their BS far more than the MM pity their BSs. MW's divorce is often amicable, they feel for their BS, they try to mantain some kind of friendship and wish their BS no evil (it is an entirely different story from their BS's point of view). they take full responsibility for their marriage failing and treat their BS like a good man... who just wasn't The One, tough luck. so for their OWN BS - they are full of understanding. if there was no sex -- they blame it on themselves... they usually thought they weren't a sexual person because they didn't know what REAL chemistry feels like, sex wasn't important because they didn't know how GOOD it can be.

 

on the other hand -- they often demonize their MM's BS; she is usually portrayed as an abuser and their MM is the victim. EVERYTHING is the BS's fault... the MW show no empathy or understanding in that direction. if there was no sex in MM's marriage - it is also the BS's fault; she was not interested, something was wrong with her: totally opposite to the view of sex in their own marriage.

 

long story short -- the MWs always seem full of understanding and love for their own BS... but full of vitriol and negativity for their MM's BS... even though it is the same position, the same hurt. they view the same problem, for example - no sex in marriages - differently: while for them (the MW and their marriage)... no sex in their marriage just meant no right chemistry & no right person (lack of experience and knowledge)... in MM's marriage it was a result of the BS's neglect and abuse (he did EVERYTHING right and she was stiff) = same problem but it never occurs to them that the MM's BS was MAYBE experiencing the same thing they (the MW) did in their marriage. the MW's divorce always seems to be amicable in contrast to the MM's divorce; does that mean that women end their marriages on a better note than men?

 

thanks.

 

(i totally wrote that more complicated than it should be but i hope someone will get it! sorry.)

I have not noticed that in any way. In fact, to me it's seems that many MW are totally delusional about the true state of either man and relationship. Also rarely have I seen o e TRULY accept responsibility.

[heartwhole]

I do think that women in general analyze these things more than men. I also think it's wired in our DNA to compete for mates. Everyone knows it's easy to get a man to sleep with you, but it's not easy to find one who will settle down with you and provide for your family.

 

So often it seems like the MW is having an exit affair while the MM is not. He's already got a family to provide for (even if these notions of the man being the sole provider are antiquated) and may balk at the idea of taking on another. Meanwhile, the MW feels free to leave her dead-end marriage only when she's got another provider lined up. That's why I think that married women who tend to have affairs are looking to get out, while men are less likely to be doing so.

 

As for blaming the BW, I think it's a way to assuage the MW's guilt and trivialize the bond between the BW and MM. It's also foolish to line up a new provider if she believes he'll just turn around and replace her with another OW later on, so she has to have a narrative that explains why he would only cheat on that one particular BW . . . because of all her failings and "abuse," of course. The MW is above that, so no worries.

 

Another common dynamic seems to be the BH who is supposedly fine with the MW stepping out. I don't really have a handle on that one but I see it pretty regularly. The MW is fretting about her feelings for the MM but in her own marriage at least is not hiding infidelity. So her feelings about why it is justified to lie to the BW when she is not lying to her BH have to involve some kind of blame for the BW. Usually she's lost all respect for the BH but wants to stay married for her kids' sake.

 

These are gross generalizations of course. Every situation is different.

[spideywoman]

I have always blamed myself; never MM's wife.

[Maddieandtae]

I believe I understand what you are saying Mimi, I wasn't involved with an MM, my situation was an OM but I do think though some of my feelings would have been the same as what you described in your post. I thought the OM was everything my ex-husband wasn't, I didn't own that the problems in the marriage were OUR problems not his alone. Now the OM did have another woman in a different province than where we lived and when I discovered this I didn't feel ill fillings towards her. I felt that she was his true love, and that they were star crossed lovers, stupid me! Talk about living in Lala land where the fog was thick as could be:0 It took me years to accept and reconcile that I let this man treat me with disrespect. I was not special and I was not treasured. Of course I would not have been those thing to him. I was a cheater and untrustworthy. I have learnt though that it is not my business what and who the other lady is and what she feels. My only business is my own, to grow as a person and not to JUDGE or to decide what someone is or not is.

[Got it]

Nope, not in my situation. Now, yes, I am on great terms with my ex, and share the blame of or marriage, and own my affair. In regards to my husband's ex, I only hold her to her actions - i.e. her affair, and parental alienation during the divorce. But even that is now so far in the past that there isn't any active energies towards anything. I want everyone to get along and so work to make that happen.

 

Having lived through my parents insane marriage, I recognized a long time ago there is little black and white/one-sidedness in any marriage. And I have never thought my husband/MM was some blameless perfect little snowflake. Man can be uber annoying at times! I would sympathize with her at times during the affair when he would be discussing one issue or another and I if I thought he was in the wrong I would state that.

 

Humans are complex beings, extremely few all bad, extremely few all perfect, and most somewhere in the middle.