I'm worthless and have let everyone down

[JellyTot]

To cut a long story short: I used to have self respect and hope for the future. Now I'm just my husband's maid.

 

I have a PhD and for a while I had a professional research job, until about six years ago when the economy tanked during the recession. Since then I've found it impossible to get a proper job.

 

I've applied for god knows how many professional jobs, without success. Reasons for rejection have included being too academic and over-qualified, not fitting into a team because I'm over-qualified and introverted, and making people feel uncomfortable because of being shy and nervous. It's never anything to do with my ability to actually do the job. In the meantime I've done number of dead-end jobs where I was underpaid and undervalued, and I've cried literally every day because I feel worthless. There's no doubt that I'm severely depressed. I've started having panic attacks and I hate being around people because I feel worthless in comparison.

 

My husband is fortunate to have a good job. I'm grateful for him supporting me but my self-esteem is at rock bottom because he basically treats me like his maid. I appreciate that he works a lot of hours, and since my last crappy job ended a couple of months ago I haven't worked at all. I understand that I need to contribute in some way. But I'm depressed because I appear to have been cast in the supporting role of The Maid while he achieves success in his career.

 

I met him shortly after I lost my professional job. At the time I still had hope that I'd get another one. Until recently I've always worked, albeit in a crappy low-paid job that didn't require as many hours as his job. Since we've lived together he has NEVER done any washing or ironing. He complains that my ironing isn't good enough and I put things away in the wrong drawers. He never goes grocery shopping, with the exception of occasionally picking up a few beers and snacks on his way home from work. If I don't wash all of the dishes he shouts at me when he gets home. If he comes home unexpectedly I've been known to hide dirty cups in the oven so he won't yell at me. On weekend mornings he sits there complaining about being hungry until I make his breakfast. If I don't make his breakfast he'll sit there being hungry and complaining until lunchtime rather than make his breakfast himself. I don't remember the last time he made my breakfast or cooked any meal at all. He feels that I should do everything because he supports me, because basically he's paying me to be his maid.

 

The other night I provided a meal on the table with candles. I had already gone out to the kitchen several times to fetch the wine and bread etc. I sat down and started to eat. He complained that I hadn't brought a glass for his wine and demanded I get up from my seat to fetch it. I'm sitting down and the cat's on my feet and I've already been out to the kitchen several times, and I don't see why he can't just fetch himself a glass? So I said that, and he got angry and shouted at me. He hasn't spoken to me since and has been sleeping on the sofa.

 

I'm more educated than my husband is and I had such high hopes for my future, and now I'm just his maid. I'm severely depressed and it's hard for me to even get out of bed, so it's not surprising that I'm not a good enough maid. I feel worthless and it pains me to disappoint my parents by ending up like this after they worked so hard to pay for my education. I'd slit my wrists except I don't want to hurt my parents any more than I already have. I feel like I should be grateful because my husband supports me and it's better than being alone and in poverty. He works hard so maybe he is justified in shouting at me for not being a good enough maid, because that's all I have to offer

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. If you are considering self harm, please talk to your parents or a professional. There are people who would like to help you.

 

And, I must say, based on what you describe you are not his maid... What he is doing to you is very abusive. I knoow that you feel that your options are limited right now, but I would hope that you could go to your parents for help. Please don't stay with an abusive man and allow him to treat you poorly - seek support because there are people who will help you.

[amaysngrace]

Your husband sounds like a jackass. You don't deserve to be disrespected in your own home.

 

You'll never regain your self-esteem with him being the way that he is.

[DKT3]

Husband doesn't sound like a great guy, but it doesn't sound abusive which is so easily tossed around here. My wife yelled at me yesterday because I left a sock in the bathroom....i doubt anyone would call that abusive.

 

OP, The issue here is self inflicted because your putting so much of your identity in what you do and not who you are, has nothing to do with your husband, dishes or shopping.

[JellyTot]

My husband isn't physically abusive, but he shouts at me pretty much every day because I haven't done enough chores or because I haven't done them well enough according to his standards. He shouted at me when the cat had an upset tummy and pooped on the floor while we were out. He shouted at me because my mom left an apple core on the kitchen counter and I hadn't noticed it. He shouted at me because the sheet had slipped down the bed and left a gap at the top. I was asleep in bed at the time, and he yelled and made me get out of bed so he could pull the sheet up, because he refused to get into a messy bed. My elderly uncle visited one day and had a toilet accident; my husband came home to find me cleaning the couch for the third time and yelled at me when he found out what happened, because my uncle is my responsibility and I shouldn't have let him do it, and if I can't control him he won't be allowed to visit any more. Nothing I do is ever good enough and it has gradually eroded my confidence to zero.

 

I do put a lot of my identity into my career. It's all I have (or had, anyway). I'm very shy and have never been popular or had any real talent for anything except academic work. A professional job was my only source of pride and self esteem. Without it I have nothing. What else is there to define who I am?

[DKT3]

My husband isn't physically abusive, but he shouts at me pretty much every day because I haven't done enough chores or because I haven't done them well enough according to his standards. He shouted at me when the cat had an upset tummy and pooped on the floor while we were out. He shouted at me because my mom left an apple core on the kitchen counter and I hadn't noticed it. He shouted at me because the sheet had slipped down the bed and left a gap at the top. I was asleep in bed at the time, and he yelled and made me get out of bed so he could pull the sheet up, because he refused to get into a messy bed. My elderly uncle visited one day and had a toilet accident; my husband came home to find me cleaning the couch for the third time and yelled at me when he found out what happened, because my uncle is my responsibility and I shouldn't have let him do it, and if I can't control him he won't be allowed to visit any more. Nothing I do is ever good enough and it has gradually eroded my confidence to zero.

 

I do put a lot of my identity into my career. It's all I have (or had, anyway). I'm very shy and have never been popular or had any real talent for anything except academic work. A professional job was my only source of pride and self esteem. Without it I have nothing. What else is there to define who I am?

No one here can help you with that, I just hope you understand that it's completely separate from the issues with your husband. He can't be the source that replaces your lack of satisfaction with your career.

[ShatteredLady]

I this is extreme! I'd call it abuse. I know that I'm oversensitive but when my H becomes Mr Alien & treats me with utter contempt it destroys me. Her self-esteem is already severely damaged & it appears that her H is crushing her more.

 

I'm so sorry OP. Have you contacted universities for work? Getting in at a part time level could open doors for you. A friend of mine did that. Is geography causing the job problems?

 

Have you sat down calmly & had an open, honest conversation with your H about how he makes you feel? I don't mean fights WHEN it's happening. Often men mimick the way their fathers treated their mothers.

 

My friends Mum doesn't even eat in the same room! She acts like a slave...even cleaned & layed out my clothes for me while I slept! It's taken my friend a lot of work. He's attracted to academic successful women & wondered why he got dumped a lot once cohabiting!!

[sandylee1]

This isn't a one off and it is abusive.

 

I wouldn't tolerate that kind of treatment. If my husband felt it was okay to treat me that way because I'd lost my job, I'd leave him. He will erode your self esteem and you won't recognise the person you used to be if you don't get away.

 

At the very least take a couple of weeks away and get some space. Stay with a friend or relative. Let him look after himself.

[oasis]

Have you tried applying for lower paying jobs at universities with an eye to getting a job in your field?

 

 

I work at a university and often there are jobs such as technicians and lab workers that you can use to support yourself in the meantime.

 

 

By the way, what field do you have your PhD degree in?

[BaileyB]

Two things,

 

You really need to find a counsellor and start to think about why you have lost your identity and your self esteem. A job is only one thing that contributes to your identity, what about the fact that you are a wife, a daughter, a friend, a good cook, a theatre lover, a kind and caring person, etc... The fact that you are depressed and lack self worth has contributed to the fact that you stay with your husband when you are unhappy in the relationship. A job loss is brutal and it definitely affects your self esteem, but it should not destroy you.

 

And then, I still say based on what you describe that your husband sounds controlling and abusive. I would never chose to share my life with a man who treated me with such disrespect. You should really consider counselling.

[elaine567]

You met this man when you were at a low point in your life and that may seem like a coincidence, but often abusive and controlling men are on the look out for "victims", ie vulnerable women that they appear to "save", but in reality they just want a woman to control.

 

You were vulnerable and now he has you tied down to a "traditional" role and there is very little you can do about it.

He yells to keep you in check and to make sure your self esteem is so low you will never have the courage to leave him, or get a real professional job.

 

I suggest you go home to your parents for a while or stay with a friend and take yourself out of this situation to allow yourself time to breathe and take proper stock of where you have found yourself.

Getting yelled at every day is not good for anyone, your long-term health is at stake here.

My guess is that you are not really depressed deep down, it is him that is the cause of your depression, I guess were you to get him out of your life completely your "depression" would be miraculously cured almost overnight.

[dichotomy]

You have to be a maid 10 hours a day - locked in the home? I would imagine there are volunteer activities, exercise classes, social groups, book clubs, government/political groups, tutoring, and more you could find for a few hours a day to find meaning and value?

 

But there is no excuse for your husbands treatment. If you can get out get out.

[Anika9]

You have my sympathy about the struggle with work. indeed any job is better than being around the house with some guy treating you like crap. not sure what you mean your job didn't require as many hours.

 

What i would do is id just get any job and take as many hours as i could,. two or three jobs if necessary. that way you're never home, if he wants clean things he can wash his own make his own food and if you decide to leave bc he's a jerk, you have your own money. work twelve hours a day at something you don't like is superior to being home which you don't like having nothing of your own. isn't it?

 

if you're getting depressed anyhow might as well get out and make money. it will help i'm sure,. dont work part time work A LOT of hours so he cant use you as his servant.

 

think of how you would treat him if things were reversed. i doubt the same. you should give him a talking to imo. but thats your choice.

 

idk if you'll leave him or hell improve, but regardless if you ave your own income. you'll be prepared for making decisions based on what you want to do not what you're forced to do.

 

it is not fair you worked for your phd and are stuck out of proper work but it happens to aA LOT of people unfortunately..

 

get a waitress job in a high end place. you'll make hundreds a day work long hours it'll help you break lout of your shyness and it will keep you moving take your mind off things, do it until another idea pops up

[anika99]

Yikes, there's a new anika here, hope people don't get us mixed up...lol

 

OP your husband is abusive and I think your mental and emotional state has more to do with him than it does your career. Yes it's important to have a job that is rewarding and fulfilling and not having that will affect you but living with a man who makes your daily life a minefield, who belittles you and verbally attacks you, who makes you feel insecure and emotionally unsafe is going to take a much bigger toll on you then being unsatisfied with your employment status ever will.

 

I would take whatever job you can get and then make plans to leave your husband. I have a feeling that once you are away from him you will start to feel better about yourself and when you start to feel better about yourself you will start to exude more confidence and charisma which will lead to better employment opportunities.

 

I am very very introverted but I can make myself socialize and interact with others when I need to. If you are extremely uncomfortable in public then you might want to consider joining a Toastmasters club. Toastmasters has clubs all over the world and they help people develop their public speaking skills, leadership skills and various other skills. Just google them and see if there is a club in your area. Or if that doesn't appeal to you, consider volunteering or taking a job where you are forced to step outside of your comfort level and develop new skills. I'm thinking of doing this myself because I have been working from home for several years and feel like I have settled into a comfortable rut and I'm not learning or growing. All this is secondary to removing yourself from you dysfunctional home environment though.

[Els]

His behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable. I'm not against couples who are happy in traditional roles (with the woman being a SAHM), but in those cases they treated each other with respect and human decency. Both of which appear to be completely lacking in your husband.

 

What field is your degree and PhD in? If you have been struggling to find jobs in your field for 6 years, it might be worth looking into a career change. Divorce your husband, and do some research on marketable fields in the economy where you live. Take the alimony and use it to keep yourself afloat for a couple of years while you make the switch. No need for guilt - considering the way he treated you, you earned every penny of that. Then hopefully you will be self-sustaining and can meet a man who actually cares about you.

[BettyDraper]

His behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable. I'm not against couples who are happy in traditional roles (with the woman being a SAHM), but in those cases they treated each other with respect and human decency. Both of which appear to be completely lacking in your husband.

 

What field is your degree and PhD in? If you have been struggling to find jobs in your field for 6 years, it might be worth looking into a career change. Divorce your husband, and do some research on marketable fields in the economy where you live. Take the alimony and use it to keep yourself afloat for a couple of years while you make the switch. No need for guilt - considering the way he treated you, you earned every penny of that. Then hopefully you will be self-sustaining and can meet a man who actually cares about you.

 

This. I'm a housewife and my husband doesn't treat me like this at all. I wouldn't tolerate it. We both know that I can take my savings and leave if the marriage becomes abusive.

 

I know firsthand how hard it is to walk away from an abusive relationship...especially since they do a number on your self esteem. However, the longer you stay with your husband, the harder it will be for you to leave. You didn't let anyone down by being unable to find work when you've clearly made such an effort to continue your career.

 

Time to file for divorce, take the alimony and start a new life.

[dreamingoftigers]

To cut a long story short: I used to have self respect and hope for the future. Now I'm just my husband's maid.

 

I have a PhD and for a while I had a professional research job, until about six years ago when the economy tanked during the recession. Since then I've found it impossible to get a proper job.

 

I've applied for god knows how many professional jobs, without success. Reasons for rejection have included being too academic and over-qualified, not fitting into a team because I'm over-qualified and introverted, and making people feel uncomfortable because of being shy and nervous. It's never anything to do with my ability to actually do the job. In the meantime I've done number of dead-end jobs where I was underpaid and undervalued, and I've cried literally every day because I feel worthless. There's no doubt that I'm severely depressed. I've started having panic attacks and I hate being around people because I feel worthless in comparison.

 

My husband is fortunate to have a good job. I'm grateful for him supporting me but my self-esteem is at rock bottom because he basically treats me like his maid. I appreciate that he works a lot of hours, and since my last crappy job ended a couple of months ago I haven't worked at all. I understand that I need to contribute in some way. But I'm depressed because I appear to have been cast in the supporting role of The Maid while he achieves success in his career.

 

I met him shortly after I lost my professional job. At the time I still had hope that I'd get another one. Until recently I've always worked, albeit in a crappy low-paid job that didn't require as many hours as his job. Since we've lived together he has NEVER done any washing or ironing. He complains that my ironing isn't good enough and I put things away in the wrong drawers. He never goes grocery shopping, with the exception of occasionally picking up a few beers and snacks on his way home from work. If I don't wash all of the dishes he shouts at me when he gets home. If he comes home unexpectedly I've been known to hide dirty cups in the oven so he won't yell at me. On weekend mornings he sits there complaining about being hungry until I make his breakfast. If I don't make his breakfast he'll sit there being hungry and complaining until lunchtime rather than make his breakfast himself. I don't remember the last time he made my breakfast or cooked any meal at all. He feels that I should do everything because he supports me, because basically he's paying me to be his maid.

 

The other night I provided a meal on the table with candles. I had already gone out to the kitchen several times to fetch the wine and bread etc. I sat down and started to eat. He complained that I hadn't brought a glass for his wine and demanded I get up from my seat to fetch it. I'm sitting down and the cat's on my feet and I've already been out to the kitchen several times, and I don't see why he can't just fetch himself a glass? So I said that, and he got angry and shouted at me. He hasn't spoken to me since and has been sleeping on the sofa.

 

I'm more educated than my husband is and I had such high hopes for my future, and now I'm just his maid. I'm severely depressed and it's hard for me to even get out of bed, so it's not surprising that I'm not a good enough maid. I feel worthless and it pains me to disappoint my parents by ending up like this after they worked so hard to pay for my education. I'd slit my wrists except I don't want to hurt my parents any more than I already have. I feel like I should be grateful because my husband supports me and it's better than being alone and in poverty. He works hard so maybe he is justified in shouting at me for not being a good enough maid, because that's all I have to offer

 

Honestly, I'd rather be in poverty living off of hot pockets in a one bedroom apartment than schlepping for some guy who pretends to be my husband, but is really more of my "owner."

 

I have a very strong feeling that if you moved yourself away from him and he had to pick up his own socks for awhile, that your self-esteem would start to recover and you would probably start to be able to find better work.

 

This guy isn't looking out for you. He isn't kind or considerate to you. He acts like he owns you. That means YOU need to look out for you.

 

I'm sure the intellect and academic can figure out how wrong this all is. What you are having trouble locating is your self-worth.

 

Letting the job market, your parents or your husband all determine your self-worth seems a very dangerous (at best) way to run your life. All three of those markets can swing wildly based on circumstance, much like the national economy. Opening your self-value to be determined by any outside market is foolish, because it makes your self-worth open to negotiation it places it within a "range" instead of being a fixed, high point.

 

It means that if the "market" gives you a high-paying job, you are worth "more" than when you are unemployed.

 

It means that having a nice, respectful husband means you are worth "more" than when you have a jerky, selfish husband.

 

I honestly think any sane, healthy patents would want that existence for their child. If your parents only see you as a creature that should reach a "societal yardstick" then they have missed the point of being parents.

 

I think a healthy, loving parent would want their child out of this situation, and worry about their career struggles a very distant second.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband isn't physically abusive, but he shouts at me pretty much every day because I haven't done enough chores or because I haven't done them well enough according to his standards. He shouted at me when the cat had an upset tummy and pooped on the floor while we were out. He shouted at me because my mom left an apple core on the kitchen counter and I hadn't noticed it. He shouted at me because the sheet had slipped down the bed and left a gap at the top. I was asleep in bed at the time, and he yelled and made me get out of bed so he could pull the sheet up, because he refused to get into a messy bed. My elderly uncle visited one day and had a toilet accident; my husband came home to find me cleaning the couch for the third time and yelled at me when he found out what happened, because my uncle is my responsibility and I shouldn't have let him do it, and if I can't control him he won't be allowed to visit any more. Nothing I do is ever good enough and it has gradually eroded my confidence to zero.

 

I do put a lot of my identity into my career. It's all I have (or had, anyway). I'm very shy and have never been popular or had any real talent for anything except academic work. A professional job was my only source of pride and self esteem. Without it I have nothing. What else is there to define who I am?

 

Frankly, your husband is a very lucky man.

 

Here is why: if he married a woman like me, the household average volume would go up sharply, and he would know what yelling sounds like from the other side.

 

Shortly before receiving papers. I guess it's odd. My own husband is a total train-wreck, but I'd still rather put up with his tripe than being treated like an appliance. Especially under the guise of being "supported."

 

If he wants a house-keeper, he can hire one. It's time to start asserting yourself again. I don't care if you are the "head toilet cleaner" of the local pub. You work. If you work and he works, then housework should be split. If he works crazy hours and you still work full-time, it's time to hire domestic help.

 

Time for you to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

He treats you like an inconvenience, THAT'S NOT OKAY.

[Mr. Lucky]

get a waitress job in a high end place. you'll make hundreds a day work long hours it'll help you break lout of your shyness and it will keep you moving take your mind off things, do it until another idea pops up

 

Others have capably addressed your H's inappropriate behavior.

 

But as the above suggests, there's a satisfaction to be found in plain old work that helps someone in your situation on many levels. Don't worry about your field for now, get a job. If you try hard, others will respect you for your effort and contribution, something missing from your life right now.

 

Success breeds success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMarriedMan]

Your husband shouldn't treat you in a harsh and humiliating manner. Although I think you should be doing all of the housework while you are not working, you don't deserve to be made to feel worthless by your husband. The only upside of your situation is that if the genders were reversed, you'd be feeling worthless AND kicked to the curb.

Edited November 15, 2016 by AMarriedMan

[AMarriedMan]

You met this man when you were at a low point in your life and that may seem like a coincidence, but often abusive and controlling men are on the look out for "victims", ie vulnerable women that they appear to "save", but in reality they just want a woman to control.

 

You were vulnerable and now he has you tied down to a "traditional" role and there is very little you can do about it.

He yells to keep you in check and to make sure your self esteem is so low you will never have the courage to leave him, or get a real professional job.

 

I suggest you go home to your parents for a while or stay with a friend and take yourself out of this situation to allow yourself time to breathe and take proper stock of where you have found yourself.

Getting yelled at every day is not good for anyone, your long-term health is at stake here.

My guess is that you are not really depressed deep down, it is him that is the cause of your depression, I guess were you to get him out of your life completely your "depression" would be miraculously cured almost overnight.

 

This is a very good point. Getting yelled at every day is definitely abuse.

 

OP should know that the law is on her side. Her husband is making nearly all the money in the household and thus would very likely to be ordered to pay alimony post-divorce.

 

OP doesn't say anything about children, so I'm assuming there aren't any. In that case, divorcing this man would be much simpler than if children were in the picture.