Lost the love of my life and I wonder if it makes sense to fight for it

[bluenovember]

Hi everyone,

 

I really need your advice on this one. I'm 28 years old now, and 9 months ago, I lost the love of my life. I'm trying to sum it up.

 

We met when I was 24, he was 28 (now we're 28 and 32), we were dating for 3.5 years. It was love at first sight, even though usually I don't believe in that crap. For him, I moved to another country, we moved in together quickly, and I never doubted his feelings for me. We loved each other so much, even though it was difficult sometimes and we had rough patches where we fought a lot.

 

The end came unexpected this February. We got married last year, mainly because of my visa situation. It wasn't a wedding really, just the two of us went to the courthouse in our normal clothes, signed the papers and that as it. He had no problem marrying me, he didn't hesitate for even one second, it was even him suggesting that we should get married for my visa. But this is were the end began. I wanted a real wedding, a real commitment, while he never seemed to care about marriage. He didn't mind marrying me, but he said he doesn't care about weddings and all that stuff. Even though he told his parents that we got married and even though he introduced me as his wife to strangers and work colleagues, I wasn't happy. I wanted a wedding, a ring, a honeymoon. He said that one day we can do it, but it wasn't enough for me. I wanted him to tell me a timeframe when we could do it, and the more I asked, the more pressured he felt, and the more he pulled away.

 

We fought about this a couple of times, and suddenly he broke up with me this February. I didn't expect it, and it hurt so much. He said we just don't want the same things and that it's better to end things. I was so hurt that I moved out of our bedroom, and after a couple of days I told him I'll leave the country and move back home. He just nodded, didn't try to stop me. Just days later I left. He cried so much the day I left, and so did I. He said he couldn't believe that I directly left, and I said 'Well, you broke up with me, what do you expect me to do'. He didn't say anything, and I left. I completely cut him out of my life, deleted his number, his Facebook, everything. I tried so hard to move on, I really did.

 

In July, he drunk messaged me, after we hadn't talked for 5 months. He said he still loves me and I'm the last woman he'd ever love, and that he thinks about me all the time, that I appear in his dreams and that he just cannot forget me. I was a bit cold at first, but then I admitted that I feel the same, that even after all this time I still think about him all the time. He then said he needs to figure some things out and when he's done he would like to talk about stuff. I said okay, but also told him that I cannot be friends with him and that I cannot talk to him unless he really wants to talk about stuff. We stopped talking. I kinda expected him to contact me again, but nothing happened. It was his birthday two weeks ago and I wrote him a short happy birthday message and he replied pretty quickly, but just saying thanks so much, that he's with the family and ate a lot etc. Nothing serious. Ever since we haven't talked.

 

I have to admit I started stalking his Facebook again, and I also asked our mutual friend about him. He's not seeing anyone, he hasn't dated anyone ever since we broke up. I don't know what to do. Even though I haven't seen him in 9 months, even though I haven't heard his voice in 9 months and even though I did EVERYTHING to move on (NC, making new friends, new hobbies, new city and I started going on dates again) I just cannot get over him. I love him so much, still. I see stuff sometimes and all I want is to call him and tell him about it. I compare everyone to him. I feel like nothing will ever compare to what I had with him and I will never be as happy with a guy as I was with him.

 

In less than two weeks, I'm going back to his country, for the first time since I left. I'll be there for a week. I haven't told him yet that I'm going but I'm really considering to tell him and ask him to meet. I don't know if that's a terrible idea though. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he still loves me but doesn't want to be with me? What if if we want to be with each other but both decide that we can't? Looking back, all that wedding crap seems so pointless to me and I regret pressuring him, even though he made mistakes as well. In the end, all I want is to be with him, much more than I ever wanted a wedding. I don't know if I should tell him all these things, or if I should just keep trying to move on (even though I feel like I didn't progress at all ever since we broke up). I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared if making a terrible choice, but I'm also scared of regrets of not having tried everything.

 

Guys, I'm lost. What would you do in my shoes? Please give me some advice.. I'd really appreciate it.

 

 

Thanks.

[l8estnews]

I don't know. It's seems like you are both immature yet. And it costed you expensive plane tickets for this kind of immaturity.

 

I suggest, do not get into him or into any kind of relationship for now. You both have a lot of reflections to do.

[bluenovember]

I don't know. It's seems like you are both immature yet. And it costed you expensive plane tickets for this kind of immaturity.

 

I suggest, do not get into him or into any kind of relationship for now. You both have a lot of reflections to do.

 

 

I didn't buy the plane ticket because of him. I bought it because I want to visit some friends.. I mean I'm not even sure if I should tell him I'm there. But well ya.. maybe I should not.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Forget it. He broke up with you because he realized you wanted a real marriage while he was doing it for the paperwork. I doubt it was about you "pressuring him" as much as reality setting in. He knows how you feel and he's right, you don't want the same things. You're doing the right thing going NC and going through the motions of moving on. Give it more time and get yourself into counseling. One day you'll look back and realize this breakup was the best thing that happened to you because it set you free to find someone much more compatible.

 

When a man really wants to be with you he does not need months to figure himself out before talking to you. He knows he doesn't want to marry you in earnest. Be thankful he was honest about it.

[Sweetfish]

Hi everyone,

 

I really need your advice on this one. I'm 28 years old now, and 9 months ago, I lost the love of my life. I'm trying to sum it up.

 

We met when I was 24, he was 28 (now we're 28 and 32), we were dating for 3.5 years. It was love at first sight, even though usually I don't believe in that crap. For him, I moved to another country, we moved in together quickly, and I never doubted his feelings for me. We loved each other so much, even though it was difficult sometimes and we had rough patches where we fought a lot.

 

The end came unexpected this February. We got married last year, mainly because of my visa situation. It wasn't a wedding really, just the two of us went to the courthouse in our normal clothes, signed the papers and that as it. He had no problem marrying me, he didn't hesitate for even one second, it was even him suggesting that we should get married for my visa. But this is were the end began. I wanted a real wedding, a real commitment, while he never seemed to care about marriage. He didn't mind marrying me, but he said he doesn't care about weddings and all that stuff. Even though he told his parents that we got married and even though he introduced me as his wife to strangers and work colleagues, I wasn't happy. I wanted a wedding, a ring, a honeymoon. He said that one day we can do it, but it wasn't enough for me. I wanted him to tell me a timeframe when we could do it, and the more I asked, the more pressured he felt, and the more he pulled away.

 

We fought about this a couple of times, and suddenly he broke up with me this February. I didn't expect it, and it hurt so much. He said we just don't want the same things and that it's better to end things. I was so hurt that I moved out of our bedroom, and after a couple of days I told him I'll leave the country and move back home. He just nodded, didn't try to stop me. Just days later I left. He cried so much the day I left, and so did I. He said he couldn't believe that I directly left, and I said 'Well, you broke up with me, what do you expect me to do'. He didn't say anything, and I left. I completely cut him out of my life, deleted his number, his Facebook, everything. I tried so hard to move on, I really did.

 

In July, he drunk messaged me, after we hadn't talked for 5 months. He said he still loves me and I'm the last woman he'd ever love, and that he thinks about me all the time, that I appear in his dreams and that he just cannot forget me. I was a bit cold at first, but then I admitted that I feel the same, that even after all this time I still think about him all the time. He then said he needs to figure some things out and when he's done he would like to talk about stuff. I said okay, but also told him that I cannot be friends with him and that I cannot talk to him unless he really wants to talk about stuff. We stopped talking. I kinda expected him to contact me again, but nothing happened. It was his birthday two weeks ago and I wrote him a short happy birthday message and he replied pretty quickly, but just saying thanks so much, that he's with the family and ate a lot etc. Nothing serious. Ever since we haven't talked.

 

I have to admit I started stalking his Facebook again, and I also asked our mutual friend about him. He's not seeing anyone, he hasn't dated anyone ever since we broke up. I don't know what to do. Even though I haven't seen him in 9 months, even though I haven't heard his voice in 9 months and even though I did EVERYTHING to move on (NC, making new friends, new hobbies, new city and I started going on dates again) I just cannot get over him. I love him so much, still. I see stuff sometimes and all I want is to call him and tell him about it. I compare everyone to him. I feel like nothing will ever compare to what I had with him and I will never be as happy with a guy as I was with him.

 

In less than two weeks, I'm going back to his country, for the first time since I left. I'll be there for a week. I haven't told him yet that I'm going but I'm really considering to tell him and ask him to meet. I don't know if that's a terrible idea though. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he still loves me but doesn't want to be with me? What if if we want to be with each other but both decide that we can't? Looking back, all that wedding crap seems so pointless to me and I regret pressuring him, even though he made mistakes as well. In the end, all I want is to be with him, much more than I ever wanted a wedding. I don't know if I should tell him all these things, or if I should just keep trying to move on (even though I feel like I didn't progress at all ever since we broke up). I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared if making a terrible choice, but I'm also scared of regrets of not having tried everything.

 

Guys, I'm lost. What would you do in my shoes? Please give me some advice.. I'd really appreciate it.

 

 

Thanks.

 

I think you should talk to him..

 

I think you have a gut feeling you both love each other and I have a gut feeling too.

 

But that's solely my opinion.

[basil67]

You caused havoc with your husband because you didn't get the wedding you wanted. If you want to re-kindle things, consider what your priorities are.

[sandylee1]

You seemed to place more importance on the idea of a wedding, rather than the actual marriage.

[sandylee1]

If you still love him ... Sounds like you do, then try and sort it out. He was happy to introduce you as his wife. I think he really loved you too.

 

The wedding can come in time. I'm not saying it doesn't matter .. because I had the wedding I wanted, but focus on the marriage if you manage to get back together.

[bluenovember]

Thank you guys.

 

I know I made mistakes. I know that now. Back when we were still together I was resenting him for not giving me the wedding I want (even though I never wanted anything expensive) or even a ring, now I see things differently. I don't care about a damn wedding anymore, all I want is him and a marriage. He has made mistakes too though, so I would have to see if he would be able to admit them.

 

I messaged him last night and told him that I'm going there. He says we can meet and I should let him know my exact plans. I'm so nervous now.. I'm scared he's already over me. After NC of 5 months he drunk messaged me in July saying he still loves me and thinks about me all the time, I told him I also think about him a lot, but he then said that he needs time to think everything through but that eventually he wants to talk. I said okay, and we stopped talking. I waited for him to contact me, but nothing. It's 3.5 months later now, and I was the one who contacted him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Personally, if your relationship ended over details of a wedding rather than your overall marriage then what does that say about your relationship?

[Sweetfish]

Thank you guys.

 

I know I made mistakes. I know that now. Back when we were still together I was resenting him for not giving me the wedding I want (even though I never wanted anything expensive) or even a ring, now I see things differently. I don't care about a damn wedding anymore, all I want is him and a marriage. He has made mistakes too though, so I would have to see if he would be able to admit them.

 

I messaged him last night and told him that I'm going there. He says we can meet and I should let him know my exact plans. I'm so nervous now.. I'm scared he's already over me. After NC of 5 months he drunk messaged me in July saying he still loves me and thinks about me all the time, I told him I also think about him a lot, but he then said that he needs time to think everything through but that eventually he wants to talk. I said okay, and we stopped talking. I waited for him to contact me, but nothing. It's 3.5 months later now, and I was the one who contacted him.

 

He is hurt... probably really bad. I really think the wedding wasn't just for your own personal selfishness... you just wanted HIM to be included in the passion of that wedding. So it hurt you thst he blew it off and it built up inside you causing him to push you away.

 

You shouldn't have waited another 3.5 months because it shows your not interested. No contact shouldn't be applied in every scenario. You have to build the love and trust again..

 

If you love him.. salvage what you got.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He is hurt... probably really bad. I really think the wedding wasn't just for your own personal selfishness... you just wanted HIM to be included in the passion of that wedding. So it hurt you thst he blew it off and it built up inside you causing him to push you away.

 

You shouldn't have waited another 3.5 months because it shows your not interested. No contact shouldn't be applied in every scenario. You have to build the love and trust again..

 

If you love him.. salvage what you got.

 

I agree. If he is available, lay all your cards on the table, put your pride aside and go after what you want full steam. You were very young, a wedding, ring, is normal. Brush it aside for now, and focus on making this guy know you want him for him.

 

Worse case scenario, you make a huge fool of yourself, get rejected and go back home. Join the club. You will live. People tend not to regret the things they did and said, only the things they did not do or say.

[olivetree]

He is hurt... probably really bad. I really think the wedding wasn't just for your own personal selfishness... you just wanted HIM to be included in the passion of that wedding. So it hurt you thst he blew it off and it built up inside you causing him to push you away.

 

You shouldn't have waited another 3.5 months because it shows your not interested. No contact shouldn't be applied in every scenario. You have to build the love and trust again..

 

If you love him.. salvage what you got.

 

 

I disagree.

 

He is the one that broke up with you.

 

He should be fighting for you. Not the other way around.

 

He said all those things to you in a drunken stupor, probably a low point for him. Then once you said them back, his tension was eased.

 

He didn't even follow up with you.

 

None of this seems like a recipe for a positive reconciliation.

[Sweetfish]

I disagree.

 

He is the one that broke up with you.

 

He should be fighting for you. Not the other way around.

 

He said all those things to you in a drunken stupor, probably a low point for him. Then once you said them back, his tension was eased.

 

He didn't even follow up with you.

 

None of this seems like a recipe for a positive reconciliation.

 

I understand you disagree.. but I'm reading between the lines..

 

This scenario will cause a stalemate if she doesn't make a move.

 

This guy married her with no hesitation.

Showed the world, his family his wife.

He did a lot and she asked for more more more.

 

 

He felt that he just could not do enough to plesse her. So he ended it.

 

 

That is my deduction..

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally, if your relationship ended over details of a wedding rather than your overall marriage then what does that say about your relationship?

 

Agreed.

 

You got married for the wrong reasons but probably broke up for the right ones - neither of you seem ready nor fully vested in the relationship. You dug your heels in over the wedding, he broke up because of it.

 

Can't help but wonder what you'd do as a couple when the real problems come along ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[olivetree]

I understand you disagree.. but I'm reading between the lines..

 

This scenario will cause a stalemate if she doesn't make a move.

 

This guy married her with no hesitation.

Showed the world, his family his wife.

He did a lot and she asked for more more more.

 

 

He felt that he just could not do enough to plesse her. So he ended it.

 

 

That is my deduction..

 

I understand.

 

Here is how I see the problem:

 

To her, I think this was not just about the wedding day. It was the reason he wanted to marry her. Marriage is meaningful to her. It means declaring their love and commitment to each other for the rest of their lives. She wanted a proper wedding to show that, or at least to know that is why he wants to marry her.

 

For him, it is a piece of paper that can get her into his country so they can be together. She said he didn't "mind" marrying her. Not a lot of passion in that sentence, is there?

 

These views are incompatible. His lack of effort shows he is firm in his resolve.

 

I think that when we are broken-hearted we feel that we would do anything to get our love back. The problems seem so tiny compared to the hurt. I suspect that if they are back together, it won't be long before she feels resentful that he will not properly marry her for love rather than practicality.

[Noideanow]

I understand.

 

Here is how I see the problem:

 

To her, I think this was not just about the wedding day. It was the reason he wanted to marry her. Marriage is meaningful to her. It means declaring their love and commitment to each other for the rest of their lives. She wanted a proper wedding to show that, or at least to know that is why he wants to marry her.

 

For him, it is a piece of paper that can get her into his country so they can be together. She said he didn't "mind" marrying her. Not a lot of passion in that sentence, is there?

 

These views are incompatible. His lack of effort shows he is firm in his resolve.

 

I think that when we are broken-hearted we feel that we would do anything to get our love back. The problems seem so tiny compared to the hurt. I suspect that if they are back together, it won't be long before she feels resentful that he will not properly marry her for love rather than practicality.

 

This marriage is an idea some person once got and now everybody follows it, allright but doesnt make his view less romantic, why not find their own Way to celebrate their everlasting love and make a "commitment" (visible, because it should already be in their hearts) i guess he is more of a person who follows his own mind/heart instead of other People's ideas, its at good trait to be able to say no, afterall he didnt say no to her, just an idea she copied from someone else:confused: Im not against marriage just think it should be taken with a grain of salt and a little humor afterall everyday should be as romantic and exciting as the wedding day, would be sad if only that day was something special:o:) maybe now after they have had this break and she has grown matured in her mind and isnt so fixed on it he actually would like it too:confused: