In an open marriage and need ....

[g8rhusband]

Forgive me for the long post but I feel I need to put as many details as I can so all can understand what sort of help I'm asking for.

 

My wife and I got married in 2013. We had a wonderful and frequent sex life. When we had dry spells we could point at work, illness, family drama, or some other outside source as the reason for lacking sex. My wife used to say she wanted sex as much if not more than me. What man wouldn't love hearing that?!

 

We moved from NH to FL in Oct. 2014. The stress of moving, acclimating to a new place, and finding new jobs did cause a slight dry spell but things picked back up once we established ourselves. I grew up in FL and knew that the coming summer would definitely affect my wife and it did.

 

October 2015 is where things start to go downhill. The weather started to cool and so I hoped that our sex life would pick back up. It did not. My wife started lying to me for the first time that didn't involve keeping me off the scent of a surprise for me. Her major lie involved a male friend of hers that I didn't trust or like. I remained patient hoping that she would come back to wanting sex in her own time.

 

Come December I had had enough. I started being more assertive about it. Being patient got me nothing but becoming an ******* got me something. My wife then started lying about doctor appointments and her supply of birth control pills in Feb. I have spent all of 2016 trying to research ways to get her libido back up. She's 24 and has the libido of someone 3 or 4 times her age. I've suggested stress management techniques, diets, exercises, meditation, hobbies (solo and together). All of which have been rejected by her.

 

I learned in June that since Feb. my wife had an affair with her boss. I had been cheated on and abused in the two prior relationships to my wife. She knew this and still made that choice. They engaged in oral sex only but it's still an affair. She gave him what I had been wanting and almost begging for for months. Since then we still average sex about once or twice a month just like before the affair.

 

I've suggested counseling or seeking medical help. My wife claims she went to the doctor back in September but I know she's lying. My recent research has found that she could be demisexual or asexual. She actually did some research on this on her own before I showed her my findings. We decided last month to enter into an open marriage so I could go elsewhere for what I'm not getting from my wife. My wife and I tend to get along and doe well in every other area except sex. I'm starting to think that the woman I married was either a lie or has died somewhere inside.

 

I don't really want an open marriage. I want my wife. I want to have sex with the woman I married. I don't want someone else. What do I do?

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[central]

She is a lying cheater with no regard for your feelings, and little love for you, if any. I suppose reconciliation is possible IF she puts wholehearted effort into it, quits her current job, cuts off all contact with her boss, and shows remorse. For that to happen, you may have to file for divorce and let her choose her path forward. Worst case, you continue the divorce if she doesn't do the heavy lifting to repair things - which will take years, frankly, and a great deal of transparency on her part and checking up on her on yours. Is it all worth it? Probably not.

 

If you want an open relationship, start seeing other women, and tell her about it. She'll have far more options and dates than you will, most likely, so you'll still lose out, I think.

[Jersey born raised]

Neither of your guess is borne out by her earlier history with you. Dig into her FOO (family of origin) and perhaps CSA.

 

Skip the open marriage. First there was the "friend" you didn't like and now the boss. Your past history is repeating itself, don't go back.

[oldshirt]

I see this is your first post and I hope you are not a drive-by poster but will actually stick around and take what people say to heart and will post follow up posts and answer questions and such.

 

A lot of what you are going to read here is going to be very difficult to hear but many of us have already been there, done that and have the t-shirts.

 

This is likely not any kind of physiological issue or psychological problem and it does not have anything to do with stress or moving or job issues (other than affairs with the boss)

 

There is a 99% chance this is an attraction issue and a respect issue and a character issue on the part of your wife.

 

The real skinny on this is her boss made her jay-jay tingle and she was attracted to him, then once they started getting physical (and don't think for a second it really was restricted to just a few instances of oral) she lost respect and attraction for you.

 

Affairs are very shiny and exciting and they aren't bogged down with the realities of day-to-day living like bills and cleaning toilets and snoring and getting the car in to get that funny noise checked out. Affairs are all about excitement and orgasms and doing things that you wouldn't do with your spouse at home.

 

Strange things happen once someone gets down with an affair partner. When their brain gets flooded with all those horny hormones, their attraction and desire gets transferred to the AP.

 

Then their subconscious brain tries to reconcile all those exciting and warm and great feelings for the AP and so it creates problems with the primary relationship and demonizes the spouse.

 

There is a force called "rewriting history" in which the subconscious mind of the WW starts to convince her that marrying her husband was a mistake and that their history together was wrong and that they should not have been together.

 

She then begins to feel like anything she does with her husband is "cheating" on the AP and that is when everything gets all awkward and uncomfortable and she seems like a completely different person.

 

In many ways she is a different person.

 

The open marriage is actually just another sign and symptom of a dying relationship.

 

When a woman loses attraction and respect for her husband, his touch feels so toxic to her that she actually does want him to take his "needs" elsewhere and she wants to farm out his romantic and sexual needs to someone else so she can get her needs met by her AP.

 

You may think she is "asexual" but the fact is she is VERY sexual with the AP. She is only asexual with you :-( With the AP she is porn star and is having wild, monkey sex and likely doing things that she would not ever do with you.

 

The open marriage is not a treatment or bandage for the marriage but is actually nails in the coffin.

 

This is actually going to be very very difficult to fix if it is fixable at all. This is like trying to do CPR and resuscitate someone that has been down a long time. Everyone will have some miracle story of how a marriage was saved, but for every one of those miracle stories, there are dozens if not hundreds that didn't make it.

 

She's been having sex and is in love with another man. She has transferred all her loving feelings away from you and on to him.....even if she says the affair is over.

 

She may or may never get those feelings for you back. You may or may not ever actually get passed that and be able to love and accept her again.

 

This is not something that you just go out for a few candlelight dinners and have a few moonlight walks on the beach and talk out. This will require a huge effort on BOTH of you and will likely require professional marital therapy and could take a number of years (yes YEARS) to correct.

 

I'll be honest, for the time work and effort that it will take to get this back to a happy, healthy and vigorous marriage again, it would be a lot quicker, easier and probably more efficacious to divorce cooperatively and find someone new.

[oldshirt]

 

If you want an open relationship, start seeing other women, and tell her about it. She'll have far more options and dates than you will, most likely, so you'll still lose out, I think.

 

Yeah, unless you are a rock star, movie star, professional athlete, multimillionaire, male model etc etc, open marriage will be a disaster for you.

 

Assuming she is not 300+ lbs, a 24 year old married woman will have a boundless supply of eager FWBs and suitors willing to warm her bed.

 

But a married guy trying to find a satisfactory supply of poon on the side will be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

 

You would be much better of divorcing and being a single guy on the open dating market.

[smackie9]

What to do? Marriage counseling. Communication is key and you need to tell her an open marriage is not the answer. Counseling may help her sort out whatever is going on in her head. If that doesn't work, divorce maybe your next and final option.

 

You can't force someone to love you back, or desire you again. If it's gone it's gone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Forgive me for the long post but I feel I need to put as many details as I can so all can understand what sort of help I'm asking for.

 

My wife and I got married in 2013. We had a wonderful and frequent sex life. When we had dry spells we could point at work, illness, family drama, or some other outside source as the reason for lacking sex. My wife used to say she wanted sex as much if not more than me. What man wouldn't love hearing that?!

 

We moved from NH to FL in Oct. 2014. The stress of moving, acclimating to a new place, and finding new jobs did cause a slight dry spell but things picked back up once we established ourselves. I grew up in FL and knew that the coming summer would definitely affect my wife and it did.

 

October 2015 is where things start to go downhill. The weather started to cool and so I hoped that our sex life would pick back up. It did not. My wife started lying to me for the first time that didn't involve keeping me off the scent of a surprise for me. Her major lie involved a male friend of hers that I didn't trust or like. I remained patient hoping that she would come back to wanting sex in her own time.

 

Come December I had had enough. I started being more assertive about it. Being patient got me nothing but becoming an ******* got me something. My wife then started lying about doctor appointments and her supply of birth control pills in Feb. I have spent all of 2016 trying to research ways to get her libido back up. She's 24 and has the libido of someone 3 or 4 times her age. I've suggested stress management techniques, diets, exercises, meditation, hobbies (solo and together). All of which have been rejected by her.

 

I learned in June that since Feb. my wife had an affair with her boss. I had been cheated on and abused in the two prior relationships to my wife. She knew this and still made that choice. They engaged in oral sex only but it's still an affair. She gave him what I had been wanting and almost begging for for months. Since then we still average sex about once or twice a month just like before the affair.

 

I've suggested counseling or seeking medical help. My wife claims she went to the doctor back in September but I know she's lying. My recent research has found that she could be demisexual or asexual. She actually did some research on this on her own before I showed her my findings. We decided last month to enter into an open marriage so I could go elsewhere for what I'm not getting from my wife. My wife and I tend to get along and doe well in every other area except sex. I'm starting to think that the woman I married was either a lie or has died somewhere inside.

 

I don't really want an open marriage. I want my wife. I want to have sex with the woman I married. I don't want someone else. What do I do?

 

 

 

There are a lot of different things going on here. It's hard to know if your wife's low sex drive is purely due to her own factors, or she is having an affair.

 

I can tell you that as a woman, for me, I didn't really have a huge sex drive until I hit 42. A 44 year old woman is like an 18 year old boy. That is a general rule of course but pretty well documented. It is why you see women in their 40s (MILFs) with 25 year old guys. Men pushing 50 tend to have a lot of sexual issues if they do not keep their health up. When I was in my 20s, I had sex once a week, in my 30s, twice a month (since that is when I had my kids and stuff). It was a constant argument with my husband. It all changes when you get a bit older.

 

Diet also matters. Sugar and flour kill the sex drive. People on low carb diets with no sugar or flour are more sexual. Plus if you are healthier and in shape, you generally are more in the mood for sex anyway.

 

Why did she say she had the affair and why did she offer you an open marriage?

 

An open marriage saved our marriage. I am not saying do it, but if it's that or divorce, I would try it. She may appreciate you and you will get the marriage you want.

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote for paragraphs ~6

[kgcolonel]

How did you discover her affair and what was her reaction to your discovery? What do you know about her behavior post discovery?

 

Is she open to counseling.....

[oldshirt]

There are a lot of different things going on here. It's hard to know if your wife's low sex drive is purely due to her own factors, or she is having an affair.

 

I can tell you that as a woman, for me, I didn't really have a huge sex drive until I hit 42. A 44 year old woman is like an 18 year old boy. That is a general rule of course but pretty well documented. It is why you see women in their 40s (MILFs) with 25 year old guys. Men pushing 50 tend to have a lot of sexual issues if they do not keep their health up. When I was in my 20s, I had sex once a week, in my 30s, twice a month (since that is when I had my kids and stuff). It was a constant argument with my husband. It all changes when you get a bit older.

 

Diet also matters. Sugar and flour kill the sex drive. People on low carb diets with no sugar or flour are more sexual. Plus if you are healthier and in shape, you generally are more in the mood for sex anyway.

 

Why did she say she had the affair and why did she offer you an open marriage?

 

An open marriage saved our marriage. I am not saying do it, but if it's that or divorce, I would try it. She may appreciate you and you will get the marriage you want.

 

When you hear "clippity clop, clippity clop" coming down the street, you need to think horses before you think zebras.

 

a healthy 24 year old woman without kids will very rarely have any physiological issues affecting their libido/sex drive. If they have low desire, it is almost always that they are either not that attracted to their partner, that there is some kind of serious relationship issue with their partner, or their desire and attraction are for someone else.

 

Women have what is termed 'responsive desire' which means that their sexdrives get activated when someone flips the right switches. This is opposed to men who have 'spontaneous desire" and are just in an innate state of desire.

 

But my mom explained it best when she said, "men are horny, but women have to be made to be horny."

 

G8rhusband's wife has a perfectly intact and functional sexdrive and libido. You don't blow your boss in his office without being horny and leaving some snail tracks.

 

The problem is her desire is for her boss and not for g8rhusband.

[elaine567]

He will lose out regardless, as again this is a case of a "forced" one sided open relationship. He doesn't want an open relationship, but is only agreeing to it to keep his wife on board and that spells disaster.

Open relationships only really work well, if both sides are happy with the arrangement

 

OP

I guess your wife's sexual problem will be completely resolved by having sex with other men.

Women of 24, with a healthy previous sex drive, and in an affair, rarely have a problem with sex.

As Oldshirt says this is most likely down to attraction and she has lost her attraction for you, sorry to say.

How old are you? Why are you hanging grimly on to this woman?

[sandylee1]

She didn't loose her libido, she just got her head turned and decided she wanted to be faithful to her boss, so she cut you off.

 

What does she really want?

Because if she's not commited to you, it's better to end it and start afresh while you're young.

 

What does she think about you getting sex elsewhere?

[oldshirt]

My wife and I tend to get along and doe well in every other area except sex. I'm starting to think that the woman I married was either a lie or has died somewhere inside.

 

Getting along elsewhere besides sex, is what a friend or a roommate or an acquaintance is. Romance/sexuality is separates the marital relationship from all others.

 

And in many ways, yes, the woman and the marriage you thought you had has died. It died when she fell for and had sex with the OM and lost her desire for you.

 

In some rare instances some people have been able to resuscitate their marriage but even if they do remain married and are reasonably healthy and happy, it was a ton of hard work by both parties and even then it was never the same.

[lolablue17]

These aren't good terms to start an open marriage. Open marriage should be based on love, respect, care and trust. You have none of these in your house.

 

You said she offered an open marriage "for you to get outside what she won't give you". Well, sorry to disappoint you, but she's managed to trick you on this matter too... She wants a free pass to experience other men. She doesn't really respect you or care about you.

 

This open marriage doesn't seem so promising. You might want to end it now, while you have some control, and before you get hurt much more.

[aileD]

Please don't lie to yourself.

 

Your wife isn't asexual if she's giving her boss blow jobs.

 

You are not in an open marriage, you're being cheated on.

 

It's time to have a serious talk with her a out if you both are going to continue in this marriage or not.

[PogoStick]

Yeah, don't fall for the asexual BS. She doesn't have sex with you because she isn't attracted to you (and probably doesn't want to be married to you anymore). She's staying in the marriage for selfish reasons, like the money, comfort and security that you offer.

 

Your best move is to divorce ASAP, begin the healing process, and move on to a woman who is excited to be with you.

 

In short, your marriage is dead.

[dichotomy]

Whats the down side of divorcing her and moving on to a new life? Yes I know you LOVE her, but she does not love you. You are still young enough to restart your life - unless there are kids and huge home and money to be lost, but again your young enough to start again.

 

and your not in an open marriage if your not getting some fun yourself - your just a cuckold.

[MidnightBlue1980]

When you hear "clippity clop, clippity clop" coming down the street, you need to think horses before you think zebras.

 

a healthy 24 year old woman without kids will very rarely have any physiological issues affecting their libido/sex drive. If they have low desire, it is almost always that they are either not that attracted to their partner, that there is some kind of serious relationship issue with their partner, or their desire and attraction are for someone else.

 

Women have what is termed 'responsive desire' which means that their sexdrives get activated when someone flips the right switches. This is opposed to men who have 'spontaneous desire" and are just in an innate state of desire.

 

But my mom explained it best when she said, "men are horny, but women have to be made to be horny."

 

G8rhusband's wife has a perfectly intact and functional sexdrive and libido. You don't blow your boss in his office without being horny and leaving some snail tracks.

 

The problem is her desire is for her boss and not for g8rhusband.

 

You are not a 24 year old woman and you know nothing about women or our sex drives. Furthermore you know nothing about the reasons a woman gives a guy oral sex. We do not give blow jobs because we are horny. We give them because there is something broken inside us and it is our way of trying to keep the guy around. We do not get anything out of it. It is a really low, low moment for a woman. I know because I did it and there were a lot of reasons, none of which were about my libido. I'm happy to share but I do not want to hijack the thread. But it's not what you think, a healthy female does not go giving guys blow jobs. If she is really into sexual pleasure, she would insist on receiving it, not giving it - giving it is a sign of being subservient.

 

I would wager to get the OP's wife felt pressured by her low sex drive and ended up doing sexual acts out of low self esteem. When it did not fix things on her end, she told her H to find someone else in an open marriage out of desperation.

 

I just want to repeat - a healthy woman does not give her boss blow jobs, she has issues. There are a lot of men posting. You don't know. Women do not like doing that to guys unless we are in a committed relationship. We do it of course but we often feel used and cheap. Her behavior is a cry for help.

Edited November 6, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[BettyDraper]

You are not a 24 year old woman and you know nothing about women or our sex drives. Furthermore you know nothing about the reasons a woman gives a guy oral sex. We do not give blow jobs because we are horny. We give them because there is something broken inside us and it is our way of trying to keep the guy around. We do not get anything out of it. It is a really low, low moment for a woman. I know because I did it and there were a lot of reasons, none of which were about my libido. I'm happy to share but I do not want to hijack the thread. But it's not what you think, a healthy female does not go giving guys blow jobs. If she is really into sexual pleasure, she would insist on receiving it, not giving it - giving it is a sign of being subservient.

 

I would wager to get the OP's wife felt pressured by her low sex drive and ended up doing sexual acts out of low self esteem. When it did not fix things on her end, she told her H to find someone else in an open marriage out of desperation.

 

I just want to repeat - a healthy woman does not give her boss blow jobs, she has issues. There are a lot of men posting. You don't know. Women do not like doing that to guys unless we are in a committed relationship. We do it of course but we often feel used and cheap. Her behavior is a cry for help.

 

Why are you trying to speak for all women? I enjoy giving my husband blow jobs and I don't feel "used and cheap" when I go down on him. It's about giving and sharing pleasure. If you think that only "broken" women give blow jobs, there must be something in your life which has convinced you of such a ridiculous belief.

 

OP, your wife is a cake eater. She wants to have her cake and eat it too by getting you to agree to an open marriage so that she can keep sleeping with her boss. There is no respect in your marriage. It's time to stand up for yourself and cut your losses.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you should have done was booted her ass out of the house and got a lawyer.

 

If she was that low to cheat, then what good is a open marriage? All you did was give her the keys to the highway. Woman go to a bar and shouts "who wants sex then come out to the parking lot" and the bar will empty out and there would be a line all the way to the back seat of the car.

 

You do the same thing, and every woman in that bar will be breaking bottles over your head.

 

She's a cheater. You've already had that happen in your other relationships so why do you want to continue?

 

Tell her rather then a open marriage, tell her to find a lawyer and be done with it. Then while your at it, find a way to let her bosses wife know about them but wait until your divorce is final to do that.

[oldshirt]

You are not a 24 year old woman and you know nothing about women or our sex drives. Furthermore you know nothing about the reasons a woman gives a guy oral sex. We do not give blow jobs because we are horny. We give them because there is something broken inside us and it is our way of trying to keep the guy around. We do not get anything out of it. It is a really low, low moment for a woman.

 

 

 

But it's not what you think, a healthy female does not go giving guys blow jobs. If she is really into sexual pleasure, she would insist on receiving it, not giving it

 

.

 

I just want to repeat - a healthy woman does not give her boss blow jobs, she has issues. You don't know. Women do not like doing that to guys unless we are in a committed relationship. We do it of course but we often feel used and cheap.

 

 

OK so his wife is not horny, she is broken and is doing it because she feels cheap and used.

 

DOES THAT MAKE THIS SITUATION ANY BETTER????????

 

If that is the case here, that makes it even worse than her having the hots for her boss.

 

If she has the hots for her boss and is cheating on him (BJs included) that is grounds for divorce.

 

But if she is so broken and so desperate and so dysfunction that she is blowing him under his desk and is getting nothing out of it in return, then G8rhusband needs to not only divorce but needs to RUN! and needs to change his name and go underground so she can't find him.

[oldshirt]

and let's be realistic here, she just told him she only gave the boss a couple BJs and it's what he wants to believe.

 

The truth is they are in a full-blown (no pun intended) affair and they have been having full contact sex regularly for quite some time.

 

That she only gave him a couple hummers and nothing else is complete BS and a lie on her part.

 

She has an intact sexdrive and libido. She is horny. She is having wild monkey sex with her boss. She is attracted to and desires her boss and not to her husband.

 

She is not broken. She is not desperate and in despair. She has bad character and is behaving badly.

[Friskyone4u]

She is a lying cheater with no regard for your feelings, and little love for you, if any. I suppose reconciliation is possible IF she puts wholehearted effort into it, quits her current job, cuts off all contact with her boss, and shows remorse. For that to happen, you may have to file for divorce and let her choose her path forward. Worst case, you continue the divorce if she doesn't do the heavy lifting to repair things - which will take years, frankly, and a great deal of transparency on her part and checking up on her on yours. Is it all worth it? Probably not.

 

If you want an open relationship, start seeing other women, and tell her about it. She'll have far more options and dates than you will, most likely, so you'll still lose out, I think.

 

 

OP,

 

Pay attention to the above. You obviously have not done much research. like most men, on open marriage. it is totally controlled by women. you wife will have more opportunities to be with other men because 95% of men will not give one **** about her being married, may even find it more fun. The same percentage of women will spit in your face when they find out you are married.

 

Now as far as the boss is concerned, if you believe she is just giving him blow jobs i have a bridge to sell you so she needs to leave that job if you want any chance of that stopping.

[BettyDraper]

and let's be realistic here, she just told him she only gave the boss a couple BJs and it's what he wants to believe.

 

The truth is they are in a full-blown (no pun intended) affair and they have been having full contact sex regularly for quite some time.

 

That she only gave him a couple hummers and nothing else is complete BS and a lie on her part.

 

She has an intact sexdrive and libido. She is horny. She is having wild monkey sex with her boss. She is attracted to and desires her boss and not to her husband.

 

She is not broken. She is not desperate and in despair. She has bad character and is behaving badly.

 

This. I dislike the way women who cheat are given far too much sympathy on this forum.

 

There's always some "poor girl" explanation that comes up.

[BaileyB]

Without a doubt, some women give blow jobs for the wrong reasons... The young girl who feels pressured because she wants the boy to like her, the woman who does it trying to keep a boyfriend, or a woman who does it because she has low self esteem and/or is unhappy with her life and a man shows her some positive attention. I think it's fair to say that not all women give blow jobs because they want to in the context of a loving or passionate relationship. There could be so many reasons, and they don't necessarily have to include the fact that a woman is horny, attracted to the guy, or even wanting sex.

 

However, without a doubt this woman is not making a good decision and her behavior is not acceptable. And that, is what OP now has to deal with - his wife has stepped outside the marriage for whatever reason, and that is a problem. What you have is not an open marriage - you have an unfaithful wife.

Edited November 6, 2016 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to repeat - a healthy woman does not give her boss blow jobs, she has issues. There are a lot of men posting. You don't know. Women do not like doing that to guys unless we are in a committed relationship. We do it of course but we often feel used and cheap. Her behavior is a cry for help.

 

The whole blow job discussion is a straw man in the OP's situation. His wife is a garden-variety WS who held him at arm's length while she cheated on him. I'd guess "oral sex only" was a lie told to minimize damage, just as "open marriage" is a futher means to her end.

 

g8rhusband, you've been manipulated, lied to, cheated on and cuckolded. Were it me, I'd say "no more"...

 

Mr. Lucky