In an open marriage and need ....

[Poutrew]

I just want to repeat - a healthy woman does not give her boss blow jobs, she has issues. There are a lot of men posting. You don't know. Women do not like doing that to guys unless we are in a committed relationship. We do it of course but we often feel used and cheap. Her behavior is a cry for help.

 

Au contraire. I knew a woman who loved giving BJ's to anybody who would unzip their trousers - and no, she wasn't a 'working girl'. She wasn't broken. She just thought sucking d*** was the best thing on god's planet for a woman to do. She told me she wished they sold semen in supermarkets right next to the milk and egg beaters, in pint sized cartons. Needless to say I was thankful my zipper was made of metal and remained in the upright position...

[summerdowling87]

and let's be realistic here, she just told him she only gave the boss a couple BJs and it's what he wants to believe.

 

Let's say this is true-(I bet it not) but let say it is.

 

She off blowing her boss willing to please him while her poor H is at home asking for any type of affection. She very selfish while opening up the chance of getting an STD.

 

I'd say good riddance to her.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Divorce this cheater

 

An open relationship exists only when both partners agree to it and fully disclose and approve of ALL encounters, both sexual and otherwise

 

Everything except that is just cheating

[wmacbride]

From what I can tell, the oral sex with the boss is not the biggest issue here.

 

Unless she walked in to his office, found him with his pants down and thought " oh, what the hell" and set to work, this wasn't some isolated action. The two of them laid the foundation for the oral sex over the time leading up to it. They built some kind of connection that allowed her to feel comfortable in doing this.

 

I can't claim to know the ins and outs of everybody elses mind, but just based on life experience, there has to be some sort of connection between a man and woman before any sort of sex happens, which means the actions of the op's wife aren't just " an accident". There was planning and build up involved.

 

Mind you, if he used force or made her do something she didn't want to do because of threats to her job etc., that's a different story, but from what the op indicates, this was not he case.

[g8rhusband]

I'm still going through all of the replies, but thank you everyone for your insight, advice, and support. I do realize I need to clarify a few things as I realized I left out a few details.

1. The guy friend she lied about moved to Washington state a few days later.

2. Her boss was immediately fired and my wife was given a probation period with reduced pay. She was also transferred to a different branch.

3. I take a slight personal amount of satisfaction of the current state of her former boss. He is still unemployed and was forced to move in with his parents. He was prevented from collecting any of his benefits or unemployment.

4. I always have made the first move with my wife. Touching, flirting, messages, etc. I always initiated. A guy can only take NO for answer so many times before it starts to take a toll.

5. I have always complimented her daily. Whether I'm saying something about her physically or stating I love a certain quirk, I'm saying something positive to her daily.

6. I have suggested counseling several times within the last 3 months but I'm met with resistance.

7. Our state is a no fault divorce state. I've looked into the paperwork and the fees. I could only afford it if it were done without and attorney. Given how we only have our apartment lease with both of our names on it, the process would not be that difficult.

8. When we first got together back in Dec. 2011/Jan. 2012 I was deeply depressed. I had just been through two abusive, unfaithful relationships. I had suicidal thoughts. My wife saved me from myself. Showed me I was worthy of love and devotion when I thought otherwise. I want to help her.

9. None of our families know about what has transpired but I am incredibly close to just letting it all out and letting them both "put her on blast" and forcing her to seek professional help.

[g8rhusband]

I've seen some folks mention it's an attraction thing. Before I start my little "rant", I was once overweight. I know how that goes. I know what it's like to be bullied over it. Her former boss was so fat and sloppy that Jabba the Hutt would be envious. I may not be male model material but at least I keep myself in shape. I have a linebacker type build, very broad. My clothes are always ironed and I keep my hair from looking like I just rolled out of bed with a static device. He was the exact opposite that I'm surprised he was in a supervisory role.

[Cephalopod]

8. When we first got together back in Dec. 2011/Jan. 2012 I was deeply depressed. I had just been through two abusive, unfaithful relationships. I had suicidal thoughts. My wife saved me from myself. Showed me I was worthy of love and devotion when I thought otherwise. I want to help her.

 

Huh?

 

Why would you want to help a woman who has blatantly and un-apologetically cheated on you.

 

Whit Knight syndrome...it is a dangerous endeavor.

 

You need to see a counselor about your codependency. You are going to destroy yourself.

[GunslingerRoland]

So I saw you mention something in the first post about lying about doctors appointments and birth control. I just want to clarify that you've ruled out birth control as the cause of the this lack of libido? It's the main reason that so many women lose their sex drive in their early 20's or upon entering serious relationships.

 

Of course that doesn't excuse her cheating, but don't get the issues too entangled. People with low libido can sometimes get a boost with an affair, even though the underlying problem isn't fixed. Actually my guess is that it's a highly overlooked underlying causes of affairs in the first place.

 

So if you forgive her and want to help fix her libido, focus on the medical causes, rather than just the counselling, mental side of things.

[oldshirt]

I've seen some folks mention it's an attraction thing. Before I start my little "rant", I was once overweight. I know how that goes. I know what it's like to be bullied over it. Her former boss was so fat and sloppy that Jabba the Hutt would be envious. I may not be male model material but at least I keep myself in shape. I have a linebacker type build, very broad. My clothes are always ironed and I keep my hair from looking like I just rolled out of bed with a static device. He was the exact opposite that I'm surprised he was in a supervisory role.

 

Let's clarify something. Just because this is an attraction issue does not mean that you are not a good looking guy.

 

You could be a male model bodybuilder pro athlete multi millionaire and a percentage of women are not going to be the least bit attracted to you or feel a speck of desire for you.

 

Attraction and sexual chemistry are truly in the eye of the beholder.

 

Attraction and desire are also heavily dependent on the status of the relationship and is critically dependent on a woman's reaper for you.

 

If a woman perceives you as weak or incompetent or too effeminate, she will not have sexual attraction or desire for you no matter how good looking or buff or hung you are.

 

When people here talk about attraction in this scenario, it is not saying that you are unattractive in the traditional sense.

 

It is saying that SHE is not attracted to YOU.

Edited November 7, 2016 by oldshirt

[elaine567]

Oldshirt is correct, attraction is in the eye of the beholder and can be difficult to assess accurately.

Just because YOU think a guy is well below you in the looks stakes DOES NOT mean your wife will not find him wildly attractive.

He may be a very funny man, he may be a very interesting man with a wealth of anecdotes and stories, he may be a very nice and kind man, he may be a great listener, he may be very intelligent and challenges her intellect, he may ooze power and status, he may be a master at the art of seduction. Who knows?

 

BUT just because you keep yourself in shape and know how to iron your clothes, does not make you superior in the attraction stakes to women in general or your wife in particular.

It doesn't tend to work like that.

[PogoStick]

I've seen some folks mention it's an attraction thing. I keep myself in shape. I have a linebacker type build, very broad. My clothes are always ironed and I keep my hair from looking like I just rolled out of bed with a static device. He was the exact opposite that I'm surprised he was in a supervisory role.

 

It doesn't just boil down to physical attraction. There is emotional, spiritual and sexual attraction. Your wife might think you're a good looking man, but we know she isn't attracted to you for one simple reason: she's not having sex with you.

 

In fact, women's attraction is typically an emotional one. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel that burning desire for you. Once that happens, it's over sooner or later. So for your sake, I'm encouraging you to move on sooner, get through the pain sooner, and get back to having a great connection with the right woman. However, I can see your urge to hang on, and thus enduring this misery for years to come.

[aileD]

maybe she was attracted to his power, his position....that coupled with the attention and how he made her feel turned him into a sexy beast in her eyes

 

I'm going to say something unpopular and I don't mean it as an insult to OW and I don't mean everyone is like this. Ok? So just take with a grain of salt. Yes it applied to my situation..sooo

 

There has to be some reason that a lot of affair situations are MM boss/OW employee of a lesser rank. Usually with decent age difference too.

 

Like you say, some aren't very good looking at all. Is she flattered that a big wig boss would choose her to flirt with? Is there a certain sense of "I must be awesome if this big boss is attracted to me". Or even "oh he's the boss I can't say No"?? A combination of that and not getting attention at home? Also...the age thing. Attraction wise I honestly can see why my H would be attracted to a 20 year old, but cannot see how a 20 year old could be attracted to my H. Older, company exec....I don't doubt she loved him but I don't think if he was a truck driver that she would have been attracted to him physically or emotionally. In her case she also had affairs with two of her teachers (college). Again much older and positions above her. But I don't think she has sinister motives....but why does it happen ?

 

I'm sure some women do it to climb the ladder although I haven't seen that with the OW here so....what is it?

[elaine567]

Attraction wise I honestly can see why my H would be attracted to a 20 year old, but cannot see how a 20 year old could be attracted to my H. Older, company exec....I don't doubt she loved him but I don't think if he was a truck driver that she would have been attracted to him physically or emotionally. In her case she also had affairs with two of her teachers (college). Again much older and positions above her. But I don't think she has sinister motives....but why does it happen ?

Daddy issues - .

For women, we might be talking about a very intense yearning for care and attention from a man, usually because your own father was emotionally or otherwise "missing"; or bad feelings about yourself or your sexuality, because your father sexually abused you or was overly seductive...

Fathers are traditionally authority figures, and authority is sexy.

[oldshirt]

Your wife might think you're a good looking man, but we know she isn't attracted to you for one simple reason: she's not having sex with you.

 

.

 

That, and also the fact that she is having sex with another man.

[BettyDraper]

OP, if we can assume that your wife is attracted to power and authority, what kind of power do you think you are displaying by putting up with her antics?