My life is just a motherf**king joke! :(

[gaveup]

Hi people, sorry for my crude title, just can't explain it differently...

I don't even know where to begin, in 2009 all my problems has began, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD, EVERYTHING's changed since then. Every person that went through the same, know how difficult everything begin. The simplest, daily basis duties turn out to be almost impossible to do. Your family don't understand you, well, basically no one understand you. They suggest you to get a grip, pull yourself together, do something with your life.... If it only was so easy. They tell you you dont try enough, you being lazy... They push you, they force you, but it doesn't help.

 

Before my first real depression I was a very happy and open person. I had hobbies, I was taking care of myself, I was going out very often, was dating a lot, had a job, money, a lot of friends... My problem was that I been taking everything so personal, was deeply analyzing stuff, I always thought that I could be better.

I've never had a good relationship with my father, he was always unhappy with me, no matter how good or bad I was. He was always shouting and yelling at me and my mom. I remember, when I was small, me and my mum were always "running away" from the house when he had his day off. I was, and still am scared of him. We barely talk, I avoid him and don't like to be around him. My mum is ok, but she was too protective - probably because she was afraid of my father who (surprisingly) said that he will kill her when something bad happens to me. This is weird because I always thought he hates me. I have a 12 years older sister from my mum's first marriage and we had good and bad moments, but lately only the bad ones... She basically kicked me out from the house and I lived on the "street" for two days and finally decided to move in with my ex.

 

I am from Eastern Europe, I lived in the UK for 4 years. Now I'm back to my country and moved out lately from my parent's house. I had a chance to do it so I did it. I've been living for four months on my own, had ups and downs... When I had money it was fairly ok. I have noticed that my mood drastically drops down when my financial situation change and I just can't cope with it! I do some odd jobs, part time positions, I am not fully employed which causes trouble. It seems like I can't be responsible enough to take care of myself! The past few days I just spent in bed crying and asking myself what the meaning of life is... I have literally like 2f on my bank account and tomorrow my landlord comes to take the money for the rent (which I don't have:( And I'm pretty screwed

 

There's loads of stuff I didn't mention, me attempting suicide in the past, self harm, relationship issues, trust issues, low self esteem, rape, I started eating a lot so I put 35kg - hating myself for it, loans, gambling and shopping addiction, etc.

 

I am under treatment (well, not currently, but I was a few months ago), I stopped taking my medicines about two weeks ago, just like that and I can't even explain it. I am just so irresponsible, I'm 27 and achieved nothing. The worst thing is that I don't know how to change it and honestly I don't believe it's even possible!

 

Sorry for my chaotic message, just being emotional....

[Downtown]

... me attempting suicide in the past, self harm, relationship issues, trust issues, low self esteem, rape, I started eating a lot so I put 35kg - hating myself for it, loans, gambling and shopping addiction, etc.

GaveUp, welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down today. If you feel comfortable discussing it, did your "self harm" consist of arm cutting or head banging and self hitting? I ask because that is the typical type of self harm done by a person lacking the ability to regulate his/her own emotions. This lack of self regulation -- which you seem to be describing -- is fairly common for folks who experienced a turbulent and abusive childhood like you describe.

 

What happens is that the young child relies so heavily on the primitive ego defenses -- in order to survive the childhood traumas -- that he won't let go of them. That is, he continues to fully rely on primitive ego defenses such as projection, denial, and black-white thinking. The result is that he never has an opportunity to move on to the more mature ego defenses that are necessary for him to learn how to do self soothing and other types of emotional control.

[Buddhist]

The first thing you need to do is take your medications again. If these are psych medications then the side effects of suddenly not taking them is making things worse for you. You have to taper them off properly otherwise you can get a whole host of symptoms including suidical thoughts, rebound anxiety and depression etc. In your state you can't handle those on your own. Take your pills you can always taper off them properly later.

[gaveup]

If you feel comfortable discussing it, did your "self harm" consist of arm cutting or head banging and self hitting? I ask because that is the typical type of self harm done by a person lacking the ability to regulate his/her own emotions. This lack of self regulation -- which you seem to be describing -- is fairly common for folks who experienced a turbulent and abusive childhood like you describe.

 

What happens is that the young child relies so heavily on the primitive ego defenses -- in order to survive the childhood traumas -- that he won't let go of them. That is, he continues to fully rely on primitive ego defenses such as projection, denial, and black-white thinking. The result is that he never has an opportunity to move on to the more mature ego defenses that are necessary for him to learn how to do self soothing and other types of emotional control.

 

In my case, it might be a hidden emotion that I am not fully aware of. Mostly, I was cutting myself, but I remember some rare situations of stabbing myself eith pen or pencil, usually under high level of stress. My long term behaviour is skin picking cuticles and scratching until I bleed. But I've been doing it since I was a kid and did't even consider it as an issue, neither my family. Now I know that all I tried to do was trying to manage my stress. Every psychotherapy I appeared seemed to be helping for a very short period of time, I lost my hope for possibility of curing my self. It's a *** long journey without the ending. Sometimes, I seem to understand what is happenning with me, but then, there are days like those when I don't know anything anymore. I try lo live normally and I know I'm ill but I just wish to be free from this all.... because it's tiring and exhausting. You just wish to turn back time and fix your mistakes. We all knows it's impossible...

 

I've wasted so much time...

 

I know now I had issues when I was a kid, I was seeing a school counselor but it wasn't helping. It made me feel stupid and worse than others. My parents never cared much about my feelings. They didn't care about me as a human, they did totally nothing for me, I don't know how to deal with most of things in life and I learn it now through my mistakes. They didn't care of my degrees at school, they always yelled at me when I tried to do something for myself... I feel like I don't have this power to change my life. And yet, my parents still have negative impact on my life and I'm 27. They still make me anxious, devalued, angry and displeased. But I love them and I don't know how to deal with this situation.

 

I can't control myself, there are always other people that do.

[Downtown]

Mostly, I was cutting myself, but I remember some rare situations of stabbing myself with pen or pencil, usually under high level of stress. My long term behaviour is skin picking cuticles and scratching until I bleed. But I've been doing it since I was a kid.

GaveUp, this behavior usually occurs in adults when a person's internal pain is so great that she actually can get some relief from the pain by externalizing it, moving it to the surface. Doing so also has two other advantages. One is that cutting gives you a feeling of having some control -- in a world where you feel you have no control at all. Another advantage is that, when you feel like your identity is evaporating into thin air and feel like you are "outside" your own body, the cutting helps you to feel like you are actually inside your body -- and helps you stay in the present instead of escaping, through daydreams, into the past and future. In those ways, cutting can give you a feeling of control, of being present in your body, and of reducing your pain by externalizing it. This, at least, is my understanding of it, GaveUp.

 

Now I know that all I tried to do was trying to manage my stress.... I can't control myself....

If you lack the ability to regulate your own emotions -- as you seem to be saying -- you will be experiencing very intense feelings far more frequently than other adults. These intense feelings are a problem because -- as will occur with every other human on the planet -- intense feelings will distort your perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

This is the human condition. We all know, by the time we're in high school, that our judgment flies out the window whenever we experience intense feelings like anger or infatuation. This is why nearly all adults try to do self soothing, when they angry, to calm themselves down. And they try to develop impulse control so as to keep their mouths shut until they have time to cool down.

 

In your case, however, your lack of emotional control means you likely cannot do much in the way of self soothing. Moreover, it would be difficult for you to keep your mouth shut when angry because, if you lack emotional control, you have little control over your own impulses.

 

Sometimes, I seem to understand what is happening with me, but then, there are days like those when I don't know anything anymore

If you lack emotional control, it likely will be difficult for you to maintain a stable perception of the people who are close to you. As I noted above, the intense feelings will distort and color your perception of their intentions and motivations. Another likely outcome -- something you may be dealing with due to the lack of emotional control -- is the feeling of "dissociation."

 

Dissociation is a feeling of not knowing who you are or what goals you want to pursue, i.e., having a lack of a strong self identity. You also may feel at times that things are not real or that you somehow are a character in a movie. If that is sometimes occurring, the cutting gives relief by helping to make you feel real and back inside your body, as I tried to explain above. Dissociation also is manifested in frequent escapes from boredom -- or from stressful situations -- through daydreaming. That's why I mentioned earlier that cutting will help you stay firmly in the present instead of in a daydream about the past or future.

 

A common experience of dissociation, for example, is the sudden realization -- when driving a car -- that you cannot recall seeing anything for the past ten minutes, not even the three lighted intersections you had to have gone through. Another example is the time you walked to the kitchen for food but, on opening the refrigerator, you suddenly realize you have forgotten what you were looking for. In these examples, your conscious mind was daydreaming a thousand miles away -- while your subconscious mind was performing the task of driving you carefully through three intersections and walking you around furniture in the living room on your way to the kitchen.

 

Do these examples of dissociation and lack of emotional control sound very familiar to you? If so, I would be glad to discuss them with you. If these issues apply to you, the good news is that most major cities offer treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) that, if you work hard in them, are very effective in helping you acquire the emotional skills you need. When a child is subject to abusive parents, it is common for the child to hold onto primitive ego defenses so tightly -- in order to survive childhood -- that she never has an opportunity to replace them with the more mature emotional skills that are needed to sustain close relationships in adulthood.

[gaveup]

I just wanted to mention, that I am feeling better.