Husband goes days without texting me when he's away

[lilypad10]

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I wanted to get some thoughts on this. Every time my husband leaves town to visit family/friends for a few days, he doesn't text me. I'm not asking for a phone call. Just a quick, "how's your day?" text or maybe even just an emoji to remind me that he thinks of me. Maybe he doesn't think of me and that's OK too. But I don't think dropping me a quick line here or there would hurt him. I'll usually text him something simple, "I overate at Taco Bell. Hope you're having a nice time!" but don't hear back from him. I've mentioned this to him on 2 occasions before and I hate to be that nagging partner. But it obviously bothers me and I feel like he could give in a little with this.

 

Is this an overreaction? Should I change my standards?

[aileD]

Hi and sorry you're feeling like this. Can I ask a few more questions?

 

How's your relationship otherwise?

 

How attached to his phone is he when he's not away?...do you think he's getting the texts and just not answering? Or is he someone that isn't always glued to his phone?

 

what was his reaction when you talked to him?

 

Any reason to think he may be cheating with someone back home?

 

How often does he go out of town and why don't you go with him?

[lilypad10]

Good questions.

-Our relationship overall is decent. We have arguments, but they don't escalate. There are no children in the equation so that simplifies things. He clearly cares for me but isn't an incredibly doting or affectionate person. I can't say we're "best friends" but we get along well when we're together.

-He posts on Instagram constantly when he's away. So he certainly has access to his phone. I've mentioned it to him that it would be nice for me to hear about what he's doing before I see it on social media. There was a situation at the beginning of our relationship where he went on a ski trip and there were tons of photos posted but I heard nothing for days. I did confront him about this but did not receive much of a response with regards to future changes (which haven't happened).

-My suspicion for cheating is very low. Probably not happening, although anything could happen, I guess.

-He goes out of town about once a month when he has a few days off in a row. Almost always it's days that I'm working so I can't go with him.

[enddeck]

It seems to me you are very low on his list of priorities.He can post on instagram but he can't even send you a one line test.I hate cliches but I use one in everyday life.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

[l8estnews]

I feel like this lack of proper communication will lead to negativity in your marriage. This is very unhealthy which can lead to cheating for both of you. Obviously, there's lack of passion, intimacy and that sense of wanting to be together. If one of you finds a person who can shower you both with something new, exciting etc. IIt can lead to a huge mess

[SammySammy]

You're not overreacting.

 

Checking in with your spouse while on the road is just being considerate. You're not wrong to want or expect that.

 

You just have to be careful how you address it because he might not be cheating. Don't want to be accusatory and introduce negativity into your relationship.

 

Just find a way to let him know that his wife needs him to touch base with her from time to time when he's away. Without blowing it all out of proportion.

[aileD]

Yeah he's just plain rude.

 

Even when my hubby was cheating on me, and in and out of the house...he still checked on me just about every day.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I wanted to get some thoughts on this. Every time my husband leaves town to visit family/friends for a few days, he doesn't text me. I'm not asking for a phone call. Just a quick, "how's your day?" text or maybe even just an emoji to remind me that he thinks of me. Maybe he doesn't think of me and that's OK too. But I don't think dropping me a quick line here or there would hurt him. I'll usually text him something simple, "I overate at Taco Bell. Hope you're having a nice time!" but don't hear back from him. I've mentioned this to him on 2 occasions before and I hate to be that nagging partner. But it obviously bothers me and I feel like he could give in a little with this.

 

Is this an overreaction? Should I change my standards?

 

Does he call you, or just not text? A lot of men hate texting. My H rarely texts me except to tell me to pick up eggs or something. At the same time he is always on FB.

 

What is wrong with a phone call? I like the phone.

[Birdies]

My ex-husband did this too on occasion, no matter how many times I politely asked him to check in a bare minimum of once a day for 10 seconds (a quick text at least!). We both work out of town a lot, so the pattern added up :/ One of many reasons that, while I loved him very much, he's my ex. It's hard to feel totally taken for granted and at the bottom of the list of priorities. I ended up feeling really unhappy and had an affair :/

 

So no, I don't think you're over-reacting at all. You should be very clear that you expect communication once a day at the bare minimum - it's really not that much to ask!!!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

He goes out of town about once a month when he has a few days off in a row. Almost always it's days that I'm working so I can't go with him.

 

Seems strange. Most couples plan their time off together so they can pursue joint activities...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Seems strange. Most couples plan their time off together so they can pursue joint activities...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes ... this would be more of my concern. It's a deliberate plan to exclude you.if this is a shared interest why aren't you doing it together?

 

I wonder how things would turn out if you were suddenly able to come with him last minute due to a change in working days. Try it next time and his reaction could be very telling indeed.

 

Will it be joy or internal panic?

 

 

My husband isn't big on contact while he's away. He'll let me know he's arrived safely. Then he may let me know how great the hotel and the facilities are. He doesn't text daily and I don't expect him to. He sends some pics to our family (me and the kids) chat group. He says he's missing us etc.

 

The same applies when I'm away without him. And I may also post pictures on FB, but that doesn't mean he's low on my priority list. It just means I'm having a great time and don't see the need to text on a daily basis.

[vanhalenfan]

It's not something that would fly for me. I may be an anomaly...but when my fiance is away I want to speak to him at night on the phone before bed. We don't really talk during the day when he's away unless something happens that he needs to know with our business or the kids or something, but I do expect the before-bed -how-was-your-day-goodnight phone call (it's just a few minutes usually but it's important to me!)

[lucy_in_disguise]

The lack of contact wouldn't bother me too much if it was just a few days, but ignoring text messages and his apparent disregard for your feelings on the subject would. I think you need to have a more serious discussion on this and clearly set expectations - for example, you expect him to text/ call each morning and before going to bed.

 

He is either not hearing you on this- or does not give a damn. Either way this issue is going to drive a wedge between you unless it's resolved.

[BluesPower]

I am not sure why any may would act this was. It really sounds kind of strange.

 

I am not saying he is cheating but it is weird. I feel the need to talk to my wife everyday if is can. I mean why would you not want to talk to the most important person in you life?

 

Also, I am with the others that say why can't you guys (Him) figure out at way to go together.

 

I think you kind of need to look at that whole situation more closely, it just seems very, very odd.

[Arieswoman]

lilypad10,

Can you tell us why he needs to go to visit family/friends for a few days?

 

How often does this happen?

 

Are they all living in another location?

 

And why aren't you going with him?

 

Just curious

[lilypad10]

Our work schedules are very different and both pretty inflexible so the days that we're working can't be changed. So maybe a weekend a month he'll visit family or friends, all of whom live a 4 or 6 hour drive away. He's not deliberately excluding me. It's just the nature of our work schedules.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Whatever the answer, how long have you two been married? Has he ALWAYS done this?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lilypad, it is a sad situatuation that you find yourself in. As others have said it takes very little effort for your husband to type in a few words to acknowledge your existence more so if he is posting about things on FB. I think you could try something the next time he goes off. This would be that you don't text him at all and if you have friends with whom you can go out on the weekend to a club or some other social place then you too can post some pics of yourself having a good time in his absence. I guess that should get his attention and he may query you on that. If he does'nt I would suggest just acting cool around him and not paying much attention to him. Let Jim feel what it is to be ignored like he ignores you on his trips.

 

This may work or not but if things don't improve you would need to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him about your relationship and where it is headed. Warm wishes.

[aileD]

Our work schedules are very different and both pretty inflexible so the days that we're working can't be changed. So maybe a weekend a month he'll visit family or friends, all of whom live a 4 or 6 hour drive away. He's not deliberately excluding me. It's just the nature of our work schedules.

 

Yes he is excluding you.

 

There's no reason he has to see family and friends that are four hours away that often. That's a twice a year trip you can plan out ahead a time so you can go together

 

Make new friends where you are now.

 

I don't like his. I think he's escaping for some reason. Another woman I bet.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think people each have their own level of intimacy/affection/attachment that feels right to them. Some folks in couples prefer a lot of contact. Others are okay with creating more space.

 

To me, the real issue here is that you have expressed a desire for some change and he did not acknowledge that with a response. If you bring up the subject in a kind way, and he won't alter his behavior, that is a larger problem.

 

I would try talking to him about it using "I" statements. Things like, "I feel lonely when I don't hear from you for several days." or "I feel like I don't matter when I don't hear from you for several days." Then follow up with a simple request: "Would you be willing to text me once per day while you are away so I can feel more connected to you?" If the relationship is healthy, he will be willing to alter his behavior. If he won't consider a change, then you know you have a larger problem.

[BettyDraper]

Our work schedules are very different and both pretty inflexible so the days that we're working can't be changed. So maybe a weekend a month he'll visit family or friends, all of whom live a 4 or 6 hour drive away. He's not deliberately excluding me. It's just the nature of our work schedules.

 

Why can't he plan the visits around your time off?

Edited November 12, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Poutrew]

Hmmm.... when you have time off and want to take a trip somewhere, does he go with you? Why? Maybe you need to take a vacation away from him, and of course, do not communicate with him at all. If it's good for the gander, it is also good for the goose... If you can, activate the 'find my phone' or equivalent app on whatever brand phone he has, you can then see where he is really going to on those weekend jaunts - it'll be displayed in real time on your computer. I would bet he isn't staying at just his family's house... if you deicide to become 'Detective Wife', be prepared for the truth you will find. Something smells fishey about what he is doing....

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lily, how are you doing? Can you shed some light on a few things? Firstly, how long have you been married? From the way you have written it is apparent you do not have children. Was this because of choice or due to natural causes? If so do both of you want children? How old are you and your husband? Do you or have you taken vacations together? If so how many times a year or how many in X number of years? How long did you date before marriage and did your husband show signs of his future behaviour during that time? Can you change your job so as to match his days off? You said he goes off during one weekend of the month. Does that mean you don't get the weekends off? Maybe some clarity on these points will help posters here answer you more meaningfully. Finally, what did you and your husband see in each other to make you two take the decision to marry? The thing is whatever that elusive feeling about each other was can you replicate it now? I think that element has gone missing which is why your present situation has come to pass. Warm wishes.