Is this a healthy relationship

[FlorenzLiona]

Hi girls,

 

Liona here.. after four years of marriage I am in a realisation stage whether he truly loves me or it's just something else. In these four years I knew him very well, understanding and compassionate but I don't know what leads to a fight out of nowhere. My Husband is lovable and caring in general and suddenly he says something sarcastic and it blows into a fight. From first yr of marriage we r fighting for small reasons we promise not to do it again but I don't know whether he plans or what! Then there will be a fight that weekend even there were months that we fought every weekend. I don't usually start arguing but once he starts or insults I also fight with him. We don't have kids yet and we are trying to conceive. He sometimes don't even listen to me and if I ask him abt it he tells it seems like Iam gonna start fighting with him for this. This is the Problem, he assumes, blames and feels insecure for no reason.. he has no bad habits like smoking, drinking and he hasn't cheated but one time he pours love and kisses then other moment he insults and blames. Pls do help me what should I think of his behaviour and how to handle it with harmony

[Arieswoman]

FL,

Please don't even think about having a child yet.

 

Your husband is abusive.

 

Tell him straight that if he isn't going to change then you walk.

 

Unless he owns his own behaviour and addresses it then it won't improve.

[FlorenzLiona]

Hi Arieswoman,

 

Thanks for replying. But what Iam confused about is, to see his lovable side and stay with him or to leave him for his angry behaviour. Because in my life I have no relations except my parents also I atleast don't wanna be a burden by showing them my marriage is in failure. So before making a tough Decision am reconsidering everything

[Arieswoman]

FL,

Remember that abusers aren't abusers 24/7, because if they were no-one would ever stick around.

 

You are not responsible for his angry behavior - that's his problem.

 

And forget about what your parents think, it's your life and you deserve to be happy.

 

So you need to get a grip on this now and tell him straight that his behaviour isn't acceptable, and ask him what he's going to do about it.

[spideywoman]

hi OP _ i agree 100% with arieswoman. DO NOT have a child at this stage. i have no doubt he's loving sometimes but i am afraid his other traits overshadow the good side of him without a question. this might be a far-fetched analogy but it's like saying he hits me once in a while but he buys me flowers and chocolate every day. one doesn't excuse the other.

 

it sounds like he has issues that he hasn't dealt with. perhaps anger issues. you need to talk to him about his behavior makes you feel and gently suggest that he and you try working on it, perhaps in counseling together. if you're both picking fights about little things can you imagine what it'll be like when you're having discussions and disagreements on important issues _ like raising a child? what particularly concerns me is that you're also engaging and also participating whereas in the initial stages of your marriage you let his behavior slide.

 

not having any other relationships or fear that your parents will think that you've "failed" is not a reason to stay in a marriage that's not working. you're a grown woman. you shouldn't care what others think. if you feel alone and isolated, try to socialize more. try to reconnect with old friends.

 

in my opinion, this is not a healthy relationship at the moment.

[Arieswoman]

FL,

I was marriage to someone who was in the habit of making nasty sarcastic remarks, but I didn't see it as abuse.

People who verbally abuse others just don’t stop. There may be many reasons for it, because they want to hurt the recipient or because they just don’t understand that it is hurtful and how it feels. Maybe they are doing it out of a feeling of being powerful and in control.

 

What they don’t have is respect.

If your husband continues to say hurtful things even after you have asked him to stop – he does not have your best interests at heart. He doesn't care care how you feel and is not respecting you.

 

You don’t have to put up with it and you can take charge. No-one should treat you like that. Don’t keep allowing it like I did, hoping that one day it will stop because it won’t.

[FlorenzLiona]

Hi, I don't know where to start exactly!! It's been 4 yrs of marriage and lots of fight than love. My Husband tells Iam controlling him and not giving his freedom to do things.

 

For example, last week he wanted to eat more oily food at night 9pm, as he's snoring badly these days I asked him to avoid beer, fatty and oily foods at night or to take it less. Then another day, he came forward to mop the floor (yes, he sometimes helps me in housework) which I didn't ask him to do, he opened a vinegar bottle and he has no experience before with this vinegar thing, so I told him to dilute and use or I will pour the ratio then he does. For this he's calling me as controlling and dominating.

 

And so many things have happened like this and during yesterday's fight he called his Mom (my Mother in law) and said he can't live with me coz am controlling him. Also I spoke to his Mom and I said am not controlling but he can't take suggestions or opinion of others. She said 'u itself know how good we treat u as our Daughter, u have to be a little mature in many things and try to lead a life with him ignoring whatever he says coz it might be due to his work pressure' .

 

Since the day Iam married I haven't forced my Husband to help me housework but If he does I thank him. Whatever I say or talk he remembers very well and use it against me. he knows very well that I had mood swings due to some harmonal issues and medication and I have admitted it to him to excuse if I get angry but later one day he used it against me when arguing that what is it your mood swing or just u r angry? It hurtled me a lot when he used my personal issue to fight.

 

He does all good things like taking me out, movies, helping in housework, pampering etc but just if a fight starts he use to brag what all he does for me by saying 'I take good care of u by taking u to this or that movie when u ask, buy u food when u r sick, treat u so good so you only pay back ur anger ?

 

Also he tells each and every detail thing he did to me' . I keep thinking whether he's really good or he s a people pleaser who does Everything to brag about him! Pls help

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and 2 threads merged ~6

[spideywoman]

[] you asked whether yours was a healthy marriage _ we told you we didn't think it was at this stage. You need to address these issues with your husband otherwise it'll just get worse.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted off-topic content ~6

[preraph]

People have to learn by making their own mistakes. You shouldn't be telling him what to eat and when. That's up to him.

 

On the housework, as you said, he's willing to help. He won't continue to help if you keep insisting he do it just the way you do it. You need to totally shut up about that and NOT offer suggestions UNLESS he asks for them. And if you stay out of his way and leave it up to him and don't take an attitude and don't breathe down his neck about it and show that you're monitoring him and you keep doing that, then he might ask you for advice about something once in awhile. He can learn by himself, and you acting like he's stupid is disrespectful and insulting. The world won't come to an end if he uses full strength vinegar.

 

The last thing you want is what you now have, which is him feeling like you nag him like you're his mother. You are setting up a parent/child relationship and I can tell you right now that will not last because it is the least sexy of all relationship role problems. No one wants to sleep with their mother or their child.

 

So totally back off, do not take an attitude, continue to thank him when he helps you, and see if he doesn't then feel free to occasionally ask you "How much vinegar should I use?"

 

Leave him alone about his eating. That's insulting. If you can't sleep with him, then don't, but don't tell him what to eat and when and make him feel bad.

[Sand to Glass]

People have to learn by making their own mistakes. You shouldn't be telling him what to eat and when. That's up to him.

 

On the housework, as you said, he's willing to help. He won't continue to help if you keep insisting he do it just the way you do it. You need to totally shut up about that and NOT offer suggestions UNLESS he asks for them. And if you stay out of his way and leave it up to him and don't take an attitude and don't breathe down his neck about it and show that you're monitoring him and you keep doing that, then he might ask you for advice about something once in awhile. He can learn by himself, and you acting like he's stupid is disrespectful and insulting. The world won't come to an end if he uses full strength vinegar.

 

The last thing you want is what you now have, which is him feeling like you nag him like you're his mother. You are setting up a parent/child relationship and I can tell you right now that will not last because it is the least sexy of all relationship role problems. No one wants to sleep with their mother or their child.

 

So totally back off, do not take an attitude, continue to thank him when he helps you, and see if he doesn't then feel free to occasionally ask you "How much vinegar should I use?"

 

Leave him alone about his eating. That's insulting. If you can't sleep with him, then don't, but don't tell him what to eat and when and make him feel bad.

 

She is allowed to offer advice if he's never done it before. A respectful husband would take it with grace, not start insulting her. He can also say he'll figure it out himself without being cruel. HIS reactions are not her fault.

 

The oily food thing really depends on how it was addressed. A command from her of course is controlling, but if he's snoring bad and she ASKS him to forego that type of food because it's affecting her sleep? It's a reasonable request.

 

--

 

Liona, from experience I agree with arieswoman - this is not a healthy relationship. Insults, passing blame, are not healthy. You are allowed to set boundaries. Leaving for your own happiness, health, and sanity is not a "failure" if you've tried.

 

Test out his argument by withdrawing any "control" - no advice, no input, no opinions, just be you and do your thing, let him be him and do his thing. Just remove the thing he's faulting you for and see what happens. It'll give you clarity on the real problem.

[stillafool]

Hi Arieswoman,

 

Thanks for replying. But what Iam confused about is, to see his lovable side and stay with him or to leave him for his angry behaviour. Because in my life I have no relations except my parents also I atleast don't wanna be a burden by showing them my marriage is in failure. So before making a tough Decision am reconsidering everything

 

Try marriage counseling if you haven't already, maybe that will help.

[anika99]

I agree with preraph that you are likely contributing to the conflict and that neither of you are completely at fault or completely blameless. Don't tell him when and what he can eat. He should discuss his snoring with a doctor as there are many causes but I don't think food is one of them. Don't have a baby until you and your husband attend counselling to learn better communication. A child will be scarred by all that unnecessary bickering and fighting.

[Superchicken]

I agree with many of the above posts.

DONT accept a volatile relationship.

You cant be expected to be perfect in what you say and do.

I wouldn't get angry if some one told me I shouldn't be eating some foods.

His anger comes from a history of anger i'm afraid (Arm chair therapist !), and I don't see it going to get better.

I really think when it gets bad enough, leave and go stay with you parents for a couple of days or a week.

You parents would have had an argument or two in their life. So don't think your imposing on them. Your still their 10 year old child (Regardless of your age), and they will help you.

 

 

Hopefully, he will see this as a warning that you DO NOT ACCEPT his actions as normal.

 

 

Ted

[KimJ1234]

I think fighting is healthy in any relationship but there'd a good way and bad way to do it.

He may feel like your critisizing him or speaking down to him.

 

You may feel the same way but neither one of you are really listening to each other.

There should never be name calling and if it happens you need to address it.

 

Do some research on ways to resolve conflict the healthy

way and instead of firing back, really listen to each other and try to understand how the other feels.