Is this normal?

[eliturbo]

Hi

 

First of all, I'm very sorry that I am posting this much. I find it very hard to deal with this all and have a lot of questions. Maybe I seem a bit like a spammer though. I'm sorry if I do.

 

So let's get back to what this post is about. I'm a 16 year old guy and I am going through my first breakup. I have been feeling terrible and I am wondering if this is normal to have on this scale.

 

I am a guy who has always had a bit of a ****ty self image. I have always wondered why I had never had a girlfriend or something. Of course, I see that that is a bit ridiculous now given I'm only 16, but it's still something that bothers me.

I met a girl who I started to like, and after a while we started texting. She was incredibly nice and understanding. Eventually I had the guts to tell her and she told me she liked me too and there you go. First girlfriend. However at that point things already turned really sour. She started behaving differently at the second day of our relationship already. At that point I had been to her house for the first time. I was always the person who had to persue her in doing stuff together. She never suggested it. Everytime I did she said she didn't have time or something. We only were together 4 times, and those times were only for about 2 hours. After a month of hell because I had an idea of what was going on she broke up saying she didn't like me that much. I never cared that much about someone and I loved her to death. She was incredibly nice to talk to. Now I have some questions about my behaviour and feelings. This is a short description of what happened but for the longer story you can read here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/600554-first-breakup-what-now#post7107695

 

Both during and after the relationship I have been suffering from mood swings. During the relationship I was swinging between having hope that things will work out and admitting defeat. She was obviously acting weird, but I blamed it to myself for just being paranoid. I talked to a friend of hers because he said I could talk to him if I had anything to talk about, and he told me I was just being paranoid and it were all miscommunications. I felt horrible. I would feel bad every day, but texting with her would cheer me up. She pretended like she did really like me so that was proof to myself saying I was indeed overly paranoid and just crazy. Now I still have mood swings and I just can't take it anymore.

 

So here is a description of what I feel now.

On the positive moments: I just see that eventually everything is probably gonna be alright. I have hope that things will turn out fine and I sort of believe they will. I believe that I will pull through this and that these swings will also go away.

On the negative moments: I lose all hope and start feeling weird. I start to be worried about for example that I won't meet someone as great as my ex or that I'll never be able to even get another girlfriend. I know that I shouldn't be worried but I still am at those moments. I have the feeling I want to talk to people but more often than not I feel worse after doing that. I feel bad, think that I have issues and that those won't go away and only hurt everyone around me. I feel like the positive moments are useless, as I'll just feel bad the next day. I feel very sorry for other people for all kinds of reasons. I don't feel like I want to continue like this anymore, etc.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. The relationship lasted just 1 month, and 1.5 months after the breakup it still seems as bad as before. The last couple of days I cried so much my eyes are just hurting a lot.

So I have a couple of questions:

 

1) Is this normal to have?

2) How long should I expect to be tortured by this? Will it even go away(by myself)?

3) What can I do to possibly make it better?

4) What do I do during those bad moments? Simple doing something to not make myself think of it isn't working all the time.

5) Does the fact that I had that during the relationship mean that that will happen everytime and that it will get in my way? I believe my behaviour has really hurt people and especially her.

6) Why is this happening?

7) How seriously should I take the negative and hopeless thoughts I have?

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't want this any longer. Like I said, I'm sorry for posting this much, maybe I should just stop and leave.

 

So yeah, that's it in short. It is explained terribly because I didn't want to make it too long(which it still turned out to be). Thank you in advance for any tips or advice or anything

[DarrenB]

Hi

 

1) Is this normal to have?

2) How long should I expect to be tortured by this? Will it even go away(by myself)?

3) What can I do to possibly make it better?

4) What do I do during those bad moments? Simple doing something to not make myself think of it isn't working all the time.

5) Does the fact that I had that during the relationship mean that that will happen everytime and that it will get in my way? I believe my behaviour has really hurt people and especially her.

6) Why is this happening?

7) How seriously should I take the negative and hopeless thoughts I have?

 

 

1) Completely normal to feel as you do. Some people would ridicule you as to why you still feel so intimate with someone after 1 month, but I believe any duration of time with someone you've grown serious affection with, is one which hurts more than usual. Of course this being your first real encounter with a partner, you're subdued at the fact it's ended. But realistically, you knew it was going to happen, I mean it's the inevitable for christ sake. Your mindset and first experience is why you feel like this.

 

2) You'll continue to be 'tortured' by this experience, until you begin to realize the better meaning of life. At 16, there's so many different aspects of life and ambitions to accomplish rather than a successful, long-lasting relationship. You're still in the midst of doing your GCSE's, so that's something to continuously put a majority of your focus in. But like I say, you will continue to feel like you do until you simply, stop. It hurts yes, it feels like nothing will go better from now right? of course things will. Your reaction is one of which we've all experienced, and all overcome. You will too, it'll just require less grieving over something short-term, and more realization.

 

3) In regards to wanting to fix it? nothing. She has parted from you due to your moodswings and such, which of course is obviously again due to your age and the process of puberty. I've been there for sure lol. She's no longer in your life, therefore she serves no purpose to be in your present or future. You continue on as you would, and focus on yourself. Sounds cliche I know, but it's simply what you have to do to move on from traumatizing situations. This way, in future you'll be able to handle things better.

 

4) Again the most obvious thing to do, is to maintain being occupied. This involves anything, regular or irregular, just anything that doesn't require you to dwindle or stumble onto any thoughts about her or your RS/BU. I suggest, attempting to do new things, something out of your comfort zone. You might enjoy it and do it long-term. Interact with more people. Your family for instance, or find new company in old/new companions! when you're feeling alone and sad (I won't know this but I'll say it from other people's experiences), you feel better in the company of others. Personally, I feel better by myself even if I'm still incredibly sorrowful. I'm just a more 'I like solitude' kinda guy.

 

5) I know what you mean here. Take a gander at my own thread for a different perspective on moodswings and so forth. I can guarantee you that if you don't attempt to change how you react with other people, or simply how you are in the company of other people, this will be your downfall. Especially in a relationship that is long-term. Sometimes you feel good and feel no need to react badly to anything, most of the time the opposite right? the best way to counter this is to acknowledge the processes of it and attempt to progress it each time it next occurs. Get advice from family, or simply research it itself. People hate moodswings, especially your partner. The longer you leave it, the easier it is for them to make the decision to leave you. Use that as a type of motivation to better yourself. Don't forget, most of the time it isn't your fault. We all have our own triggers and the way we handle different situations and our emotions, it's just up to us to decipher whether we fix that the right way or not.

 

6) It's life. C'est la vie. There's no more need to explain it. It's better to experience something like you have now whilst you're young and have so much to live for and succeed in, rather than 5-10 years down the line when you're looking to settle down with a potential perpetual partner.

 

7) Very seriously. Feeling that way is not something to neglect. Take it from myself. I've felt like that from a very young age and it has stuck with me up to now (18 years of age). It has ruined alot of situations for me, whether that be in a relationship, or to do with family, job occupations, everything. It's something you definitely should research and confide in with your parents/family. Understanding the route of the problem is a 'road to recovery' should you think of it that way. You'll feel better when you know exactly why you feel how you feel, or as to why you do on a common basis.

 

Hope this enlightens you mate!

[cucumber95]

1. Yes it is normal, you really started to love her, and you miss her this is why you feel as you feel. I have same thing, sometimes I'm happy, we are not together with my ex ok, it is what it is, but then I get depressed. Like this weekend is hell for me, even tho we broken up 2 months ago, and every weekend was ok (well kind of), this one is nightmare :/ because we used to meet on weekends. It is normal that you feel they way you feel.

 

2. It depends how long it will take you to move on, faster you forget about her then faster it will end. It can take years or just month, no one knows that. but trying not to think about her will help (I know it is hard).

 

3. Try not to think about her, think about good stuff that is ahead of you, maybe there won't be girl like your ex, but maybe better? You see you thought you are not going to have girlfriend but you had one, so everything is possible.

 

I can really connect to what you said above, that you have low self-esteem, before I got my first GF, I was same as you. I thought I am never going to find girlfriend which doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't party and is virgin and is young as me, well it happened, I found her, but I said to myself before I found her that it is impossible, that I will be virgin forever, etc...

 

I sometimes have same thoughts as you, that I will not find girlfriend like my ex, and well I won't, but maybe somebody better? person who will not lie to me and show me even more love?

 

You are very young, you have lot of girlfriends ahead of you, or maybe the next one will be the last one? No one know's future. No one is saying that life is easy, it is really hard place, people are very weird. You need to make everything you can to make your life better, than you won't regret anything in future.

[eliturbo]

1) Completely normal to feel as you do. Some people would ridicule you as to why you still feel so intimate with someone after 1 month, but I believe any duration of time with someone you've grown serious affection with, is one which hurts more than usual. Of course this being your first real encounter with a partner, you're subdued at the fact it's ended. But realistically, you knew it was going to happen, I mean it's the inevitable for christ sake. Your mindset and first experience is why you feel like this.

Thank you for your response. I mean, being sad and all is of course normal. But these moodswings? I have the feeling, or rather the fear, that this might be a bit more than just sadness of a BU. That doesn't stop me from doing everything I can, but sometimes I lose sight of that stuff.

 

2) You'll continue to be 'tortured' by this experience, until you begin to realize the better meaning of life. At 16, there's so many different aspects of life and ambitions to accomplish rather than a successful, long-lasting relationship. You're still in the midst of doing your GCSE's, so that's something to continuously put a majority of your focus in. But like I say, you will continue to feel like you do until you simply, stop. It hurts yes, it feels like nothing will go better from now right? of course things will. Your reaction is one of which we've all experienced, and all overcome. You will too, it'll just require less grieving over something short-term, and more realization.

People continuously tell me things get better. I even know from past experiences that feeling like there is no hope doesn't mean there isn't any. I have been feeling like this once before. I had some arguements with my parents regarding my gaming addiction I had back then, and together with the almost impossible stress from school I just lost it. Now everything's fine. I barely game at all (Okay, that was because I invested all that time into that girl but yeah...) and school has become slightly more possible. I also lost sight of things when I had an panic disorder a year ago. I went to a psychologist and now everything is better then it ever was regarding that issue. The point is, I know things will get better. Everyone tells me, I have seen it before, but still it's sometimes hard to keep on believing. That is the difficulty.

 

3) In regards to wanting to fix it? nothing. She has parted from you due to your moodswings and such, which of course is obviously again due to your age and the process of puberty. I've been there for sure lol. She's no longer in your life, therefore she serves no purpose to be in your present or future. You continue on as you would, and focus on yourself. Sounds cliche I know, but it's simply what you have to do to move on from traumatizing situations. This way, in future you'll be able to handle things better.

I am not looking to fix anything between me and that girl. It's done, over. I know that. Things will go to **** if I start talking to her again. She is not gonna make me happy anymore. Continuing normally is hard. Some days I just can't do anything but to think about the situation. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I can't stop myself. Life continues as it always has. I go to school, to the same friends as before I even knew my ex and stuff goes on. But now it seems like I'm dragging myself along. It seems like I am waiting, enduring this pain and stuff until it gets better. Is that just what I need to do?

 

4) Again the most obvious thing to do, is to maintain being occupied. This involves anything, regular or irregular, just anything that doesn't require you to dwindle or stumble onto any thoughts about her or your RS/BU. I suggest, attempting to do new things, something out of your comfort zone. You might enjoy it and do it long-term. Interact with more people. Your family for instance, or find new company in old/new companions! when you're feeling alone and sad (I won't know this but I'll say it from other people's experiences), you feel better in the company of others. Personally, I feel better by myself even if I'm still incredibly sorrowful. I'm just a more 'I like solitude' kinda guy.

Lately I have been busy trying to organise some stuff with friends, but it is not something I can do on a daily basis to keep myself occupied. That is a once in a month thing, so it doesn't occupy me. Like I mentioned before, I gave up on my main hobby, gaming. That was all due to me investing all my time talking or thinking about my ex during the RS. I also spend huge amounts of time behind my piano, but that is also something I don't enjoy as much anymore. Before I had a reason to play and make my own songs. That is gone now. I guess maybe I should either pick up the gaming again or find some new hobby. I have no idea what though. I will definitly continue to try to organise stuff with my friends, but most of them never are up for it sadly.

 

5) I know what you mean here. Take a gander at my own thread for a different perspective on moodswings and so forth. I can guarantee you that if you don't attempt to change how you react with other people, or simply how you are in the company of other people, this will be your downfall. Especially in a relationship that is long-term. Sometimes you feel good and feel no need to react badly to anything, most of the time the opposite right? the best way to counter this is to acknowledge the processes of it and attempt to progress it each time it next occurs. Get advice from family, or simply research it itself. People hate moodswings, especially your partner. The longer you leave it, the easier it is for them to make the decision to leave you. Use that as a type of motivation to better yourself. Don't forget, most of the time it isn't your fault. We all have our own triggers and the way we handle different situations and our emotions, it's just up to us to decipher whether we fix that the right way or not.

These moodswing and my other behaviour is something that I never had had before. It started when the RS started. That's why I hope it's just something to do with the loss. I was prepared to lose her any moment from day 2. So I hope it's because of that. I fear though that it is something more. Whenever I feel depressed I start talking to a friend, but I fear that he wouldn't be able to take it anymore after a while. Understandable of course. Having using that as a motivation is tricky. That is the same kind of motivation I had during the RS, and it ended up in me blaming myself for everything and feeling worse instead of feeling better. It's easy to think that you can't fix it, making everything worse. One of these days I am planning to talk to my parents, but I am a bit scared of that to be honest. Previously they got mad, saying that this was the second time my behaviour had "ruined their vacation". Or that was what my mom said. My dad was a little more understanding. Talking with them to find a solution won't work I fear. My mom just can't take it and would just get angry.

 

6) It's life. C'est la vie. There's no more need to explain it. It's better to experience something like you have now whilst you're young and have so much to live for and succeed in, rather than 5-10 years down the line when you're looking to settle down with a potential perpetual partner.

True, I just hope I'll get out of this

7) Very seriously. Feeling that way is not something to neglect. Take it from myself. I've felt like that from a very young age and it has stuck with me up to now (18 years of age). It has ruined alot of situations for me, whether that be in a relationship, or to do with family, job occupations, everything. It's something you definitely should research and confide in with your parents/family. Understanding the route of the problem is a 'road to recovery' should you think of it that way. You'll feel better when you know exactly why you feel how you feel, or as to why you do on a common basis.

The thing is, thinking about how this will impact my future just makes me feel worse. It makes it feel like I have gotten an irremovable problem. I don't really know a good solution, so it appears hopeless sometimes. I want to do something but I don't know if I can. And talking to my parents, well, you know what I think of that now.

 

On a side note:

I just went outside for a walk. I needed a little bit of space from my school work and my thoughts. I thought of something. Is the following the way forward?

Whenever I start to feel bad and have thoughts that go the wrong direction I should suppress them and just try to not take them too seriously. Try to do something that makes me think about something else and try to stay positive. Whenever I feel the tears burning behind my eyes I shouldn't let them out and just think to myself "don't make it worse again than it is. No need in crying as you didn't earlier today".

Is that it? I have been trying that a week ago, but than these 4 consecutive days of depression came along and I just felt like what I was trying before didn't work. I am probably way too optimistic at this point again

[eliturbo]

On a side note:

I just went outside for a walk. I needed a little bit of space from my school work and my thoughts. I thought of something. Is the following the way forward?

Whenever I start to feel bad and have thoughts that go the wrong direction I should suppress them and just try to not take them too seriously. Try to do something that makes me think about something else and try to stay positive. Whenever I feel the tears burning behind my eyes I shouldn't let them out and just think to myself "don't make it worse again than it is. No need in crying as you didn't earlier today".

Is that it? I have been trying that a week ago, but than these 4 consecutive days of depression came along and I just felt like what I was trying before didn't work. I am probably way too optimistic at this point again

 

I have gone on thinking about that. It seems like my mood is okay-ish at the moment. I am doing my best to erase the thought of "It's useless to be optimistic now as it will collapse soon again". First of all, yes it is indeed most likely gonna get worse soon again, and that is the way I have to live now. I should be optimistic and happy while I can, and just see as things get better after a while. I do see a little progress:

-The optimistic stages seem to get more optimistic.

-The optimistic stages seem to get longer.

-I seem to have a little more control over it.

 

So that is the progress I noticed. I think the most important thing is to accept the way things are at the moment. I have terrible mood swings, but there isn't a simple fix. It's something that will most likely slowly fade away, not suddenly switch off. Accepting there isn't a simple switch off solution is important. I have seen before that these periods of ups and downs go away twice now: with my gaming addiction and with my anxiety disordery thing. Both times I kinda lost sight.

 

The thing that is still bothering me is my attitude during those bad moments. Looking at the past few days I didn't have much control. Or rather, I thought I didn't.

 

I still don't really know to what degree this is considered normal. I mean, this is something that started as soon as the RS started. I hope this isn't something that is just a permanent issue of mine that will occur every time. I am trying to learn from what happened though. If the next time I'll feel like that again, I'm gonna have a talk with the other person and possibly just break it up. Either the relationship is bad or I'm still stuck with issues that I shouldn't bother others with. Both of them are perfectly valid reasons.

But to come back on the topic, I just really hope that this isn't some kind of mental issue thing. More like a normal occurrence given this situation. I do still fear the first thing though. It's not normal a person of my age has had 3 of these depressive periods already. I have pulled myself out of this twice already, but I'm wondering how many times more this is gonna happen and the impact that is going to have on everyone else.

 

But for now I think I should focus on the current situation. One vulnerability is still that I am not fully convinced that I will indeed someone "better". Whenever I think of that I am optimistic at first, but that soon vanishes. I start to think about all the good things that I never noticed in someone before. I'm just still not convinced. I hope that changes over time.

 

So is this good? I don't really know to be honest. I'm just in a positive mood, but it seems that my view of the situation is slightly more accurate than before.

 

Oh and a note to my future self:

You're probably reading this and laughing your *** of right now because of the pathetic optimism, aren't you? Well, just remember that the person who doesn't see things clearly is you. Just push back those bad thoughts and be a little more optimistic, even if that doesn't seem appropriate. Only that way you'll pull yourself out of it. And then things will be more optimistic. It's still a choice whether you are optimistic or not. Dwelling on sadness will just cost you time for school

 

Sorry for the silly note ^^

 

EDIT: I just spoke to my dad briefly. Only for 3 minutes or something so I'll have to have a bigger talk later. He said at a certain point "Maybe if she knows how deep this hits for you, maybe she'll look into it again and maybe give it another chance". I'm trying to put away those words and not pay attention to them. I gave up on her. There's no way we're getting back togethe ever. I wouldn't want that myself. The problem is, the way we broke up was simply horrible. One evening we were both feeling terrible and I kinda showed that on whatsapp. She was like: "Maybe I should say it because otherwise it seems like you're tearing yourself up". I said that I just didn't want to talk for a moment because I was feeling that bad. After a talk with my parents I decided to ask her why we didn't see eachother that often. I said I thought that it was a bit too less in my eyes. Then she said that was because of her. She wasn't sure what was up and what she wanted. She said she felt just like with her first bf. I didn't really have an idea what she meant by that, only that is was best that we broke up. She said she did want to stay friends, and she was still being really nice. She suggested that we would see eachother one more time in the weekend to "properly break up", as people always said that is the best thing to do. That just seems absolutely ridiculous to me. I was broken and then she wants to meet up one more time after saying it's over? Seems really insensible. The thing I hate a bit is that she never gave a proper explaination as to the reasons of the breakup. Was it because she didn't like me? Was it because she already lost her feelings? Was there someone else? Was it my behaviour? All she said was that it felt awkward. She didn't know whether that had always been there or if it was just something recent. Really vague. Thanks for leaving me behind with a clear and short description of what happened. On the other hand, maybe it's best if I don't know.

Edited November 7, 2016 by eliturbo

[eliturbo]

So I felt like updating this thread since it has been a bit less than a week and I just wanted to share my thoughts and what I've been through. I'm not quite sure why I do it here but I just feel like sharing it.

 

From that last post I tried to stay positive. In the beginning I did everything I could to not let myself get drowned in emotions and worries. This included not crying everytime tears popped into my eyes which still happens on daily basis. After a couple of days I couldn't do it anymore. I was listening to music and the songs touched me deeply once again, and that is one of the main triggers for me. Just everything with music. I gave up on the not crying thing at that point because I just couldn't take it anymore. i allowed myself to cry under the condition I'd get up right after and continue with life and just to not think of it anymore. To my surprise this worked. For once I had cried and afterwards felt better instead of feeling worse. This attitude seems to work, but I doubt its the way forward. I've got to forget about her all together and if I cry so much that's never gonna work.

 

About the forgetting thing, I noticed something. It seems like some memories and feelings are changing. There was a song I always listened to when were together. That song meant a lot to me. I really liked the text of it and just listening to it made me feel really happy that I had her. You probably understand what listening felt like after the BU. However, when listening to it yesterday I couldn't really remember that exact feeling I had when in the rs. Now it just felt like any old boring song. Maybe that's some form of advancement? I don't really know.

 

Today has been a little bit of a more rough day. Especially this evening I haven't really felt too good. I have been thinking again, but still I try to get out of it with a positive mindset.

So I've been thinking about that I miss her. Not the version of her from during the rs, but the one before it. The second day of the rs her whole attitude seemed to have changed. But the version of her I knew before seemed just perfect. I know that is of course nonsense, but it's hard to really see that. She was so nice and so caring and stuff. The way she was, I'm just still afraid I'll never find anyone like that again. I know I've said that way too much, but it's still the case. I can't help but to fear that I might just never be satisfied again. Not finding anyone as great. I've never seen anyone who was like her, so it's logical I fear that.

 

Apart from that thing that is bugging me at the moment, things went okay. I'm not sure if this is the way forward, but all I can do is hope it is and see what others think of it.