"Price of Admission"

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is a pretty good commentary answering the question regarding how someone can't stay interested in someone for more than a couple of months...that they find a reason to disqualify them.

 

This YouTube video of Dan Savage shows a great example of that, he was like, "If your list of shallow

, then get yourself a sex robot you can program."

 

Like the one example,a woman disqualified a guy for chewing with his mouth open. You can say something, but if it's just habit he/she can't break...that's the "Price of admission"...deal with it, yes?

 

I think this is why some people wind up single for too long as some aren't willing to put up with even the minute flaws.

[xxoo]

Obviously, they aren't that into the guy. If they were, they wouldn't care about this stuff. For a while, anyway. After a few years, this stuff will drive you crazy

[angel.eyes]

You date someone who chews with their mouth open and then report back!

 

I have and it was one of the most disgusting experiences I've ever encountered. I'm not talking about the view of an overly full mouth of partially digested food either, although that's pretty disturbing in itself. By the time I left the date, and I had to cut it short, my arms and face were literally gritty from the spittle-drenched food particles that were showered on me, into my drink, my plate, my clothes, and my hair. At one point, a particularly large glob landed on my arm as he chattered away, and he reached over apologetically to smear it off...even as he continued his soliloquy and the semi-digested food shower.

 

To add insult to injury, I was being showered with bits of my own appetizer! Did he ask to taste it? Of course not. He just dove in like a rabid rat, and instead of using a fork (like I was and any sane human being would have), he gouged at it with his fingers, licking his fingers after each stuffing of his permanently open mouth, then digging his visibly saliva-covered fingers back into my appetizer until it vanished. The waiter was kind enough to bring me a second without asking, commenting that I didn't seem to get to eat. He dove right back in with his wet fingers, and the continuous saliva shower restarted. This time, I didn't even bother to touch my own appetizer. I let him inhale it down all by himself.

 

Once he had finished a couple of minutes later, I explained that I was feeling ill and needed to leave. I was nauseated by the site of my now spittle/food-encrusted outfit and arms. On the way out, I explained I needed to stop at the restroom. He should go on. Truth is, I wanted to wash off my arms and face. I almost hurled when I saw how much had actually landed on my face (!), arms, and everywhere. I felt the meteor shower of saliva on my face at the table, but the visible evidence was even worse than I could have imagined. I was completely coated in tiny particles!:sick: I still shudder at the experience. I'm not sure how I managed to smile through the whole nightmare.

 

I hopped in the shower and threw my clothes in the laundry as soon as I got home.

 

Ewww. I still get sick thinking I sat through that and had to smile the entire time. Not an experience I would have wished on my worst enemy!

[NuevoYorko]

If she was actually into the open mouth chewer, she would probably give him a break.

 

I don't understand why you find it so outrageous that people (well, women, specifically) don't spend time with men that they know they don't like - even if that renders them single for the rest of their lives.

 

Would you rather be with someone you dislike than alone? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be single.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You date someone who chews with their mouth open and then report back!

 

I have and it was one of the most disgusting experiences I've ever encountered. I'm not talking about the view of an overly full mouth of partially digested food either, although that's pretty disturbing in itself. By the time I left the date, and I had to cut it short, my arms and face were literally gritty from the spittle-drenched food particles that were showered on me, into my drink, my plate, my clothes, and my hair. At one point, a particularly large glob landed on my arm as he chattered away, and he reached over apologetically to smear it off...even as he continued his soliloquy and the semi-digested food shower.

 

To add insult to injury, I was being showered with bits of my own appetizer! Did he ask to taste it? Of course not. He just dove in like a rabid rat, and instead of using a fork (like I was and any sane human being would have), he gouged at it with his fingers, licking his fingers after each stuffing of his permanently open mouth, then digging his visibly saliva-covered fingers back into my appetizer until it vanished. The waiter was kind enough to bring me a second without asking, commenting that I didn't seem to get to eat. He dove right back in with his wet fingers, and the continuous saliva shower restarted. This time, I didn't even bother to touch my own appetizer. I let him inhale it down all by himself.

 

Once he had finished a couple of minutes later, I explained that I was feeling ill and needed to leave. I was nauseated by the site of my now spittle/food-encrusted outfit and arms. On the way out, I explained I needed to stop at the restroom. He should go on. Truth is, I wanted to wash off my arms and face. I almost hurled when I saw how much had actually landed on my face (!), arms, and everywhere. I felt the meteor shower of saliva on my face at the table, but the visible evidence was even worse than I could have imagined. I was completely coated in tiny particles!:sick: I still shudder at the experience. I'm not sure how I managed to smile through the whole nightmare.

 

I hopped in the shower and threw my clothes in the laundry as soon as I got home.

 

Ewww. I still get sick thinking I sat through that and had to smile the entire time. Not an experience I would have wished on my worst enemy!

 

And just think, after that long explanation that you wouldn't have been dripping in goo if you'd actually SAID something to him about that.

[Imajerk17]

I first need to admit something here. You know, with the contentious upcoming election, I am both surprised and vaguely disappointed you didn't bring up even once this election season, about how political views affect dating especially in 2016. You are THE person on here who is supposed to be up-to-date on all the latest dating trends. But I digress.

 

Getting back to the original topic: Well, yeah. Disgusting personal habits both interfere with attraction and developing that bond in the first place, AND become more and more annoying as the years pass, chafing at whatever bond that forms in the first place. It doesn't mean that no one stays bonded to those w annoying habits. At the end of the day though, you still are better off eliminating them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I first need to admit something here. You know, with the contentious upcoming election, I am both surprised and vaguely disappointed you didn't bring up even once this election season, about how political views affect dating especially in 2016. You are THE person on here who is supposed to be up-to-date on all the latest dating trends. But I digress.

 

I thought I had, though it more about a vague political views and such. Like...if you find out someone voted for Obama, would it be a deal breaker? I had a friend that launched women when he found that out. I guess that thread is around somewhere. Though, I don't thinkI started it, think I said something in an already existing thread started by someone else.

[basil67]

To me, a shallow deal breaker is something which can't be helped. Like height or face.

 

But manners are a whole different story. Some aren't killers (like how my guy puts his forearms all over the table) but some are just gross. And I don't think that being put off by gross manners is all that shallow.

[preraph]

Maybe. But noticing those little things can be a sign of overall interest. Like I loved this guy once who was smelly. He just didn't have enough changes of clothes and they weren't all washable. I knew it, but I overlooked it where everyone else talked about it because I was that nuts about him. If he hadn't quite been my cup of tea otherwise, I'd have ruled him out immediately, but he ticked most of the boxes, and so there you go.

[BlueIris]

This is a pretty good commentary answering the question regarding how someone can't stay interested in someone for more than a couple of months...that they find a reason to disqualify them.

 

This YouTube video of Dan Savage shows a great example of that, he was like, "If your list of shallow

, then get yourself a sex robot you can program."

 

Like the one example,a woman disqualified a guy for chewing with his mouth open. You can say something, but if it's just habit he/she can't break...that's the "Price of admission"...deal with it, yes?

 

I think this is why some people wind up single for too long as some aren't willing to put up with even the minute flaws.

 

One thing that is emerging in our more tolerant society is the true single person- not apologetic, not pining, just not really interested in being married. The pressure to mate is far less than it used to be which I think is great. Some of us just might be made for singleness and kind of like it. Condi Rice for instance. It works for some people. I suspect that most people with lots of criteria just want to be single unless someone really fantastic makes them change their mind. It's ok.

[NuevoYorko]

And just think, after that long explanation that you wouldn't have been dripping in goo if you'd actually SAID something to him about that.

It was probably less awkward to just bear it, knowing that in a short while she'd never have to see his gaping maw again. Why try to train a stranger in basic manners?

[LookAtThisPOst]

One thing that is emerging in our more tolerant society is the true single person- not apologetic, not pining, just not really interested in being married. The pressure to mate is far less than it used to be which I think is great. Some of us just might be made for singleness and kind of like it. Condi Rice for instance. It works for some people. I suspect that most people with lots of criteria just want to be single unless someone really fantastic makes them change their mind. It's ok.

 

Well, the thing is....the OP really has to do with those singles that have a set of unrealistic expectations, THEN complain about how they can't find anyone...and thus the advice given for , "Well, that's the price of admission, deal with it, put up with the fact he/she leaves the toothbrush cap off the toothpaste or whatever thing annoys the crap out of you...because if you desire a partner...that's what you're going to have to deal with. Otherwise , just get a robot so you can program it to be the perfect man/woman you want IT to be."

 

Now, I'm not talking about abusive or drug abuse, but just stupid little crap like above.

 

It's only great for those who prefer to be without the member of the opposite sex, indefinitely But if they are complaining about it, then it's not so "great" for them.

 

The question from a woman who apparently can't keep a boyfriend for over 2 months because she comes up with some stupid reason to dismiss him and then asking, "What is wrong with me?!" (not so great for her as there some level of anxiety present) Well, he answered what was wrong.

[xxoo]

Well, the thing is....the OP really has to do with those singles that have a set of unrealistic expectations, THEN complain about how they can't find anyone...and thus the advice given for , "Well, that's the price of admission, deal with it, put up with the fact he/she leaves the toothbrush cap off the toothpaste or whatever thing annoys the crap out of you...because if you desire a partner...that's what you're going to have to deal with. Otherwise , just get a robot so you can program it to be the perfect man/woman you want IT to be."

 

Now, I'm not talking about abusive or drug abuse, but just stupid little crap like above.

 

It's only great for those who prefer to be without the member of the opposite sex, indefinitely But if they are complaining about it, then it's not so "great" for them.

 

The question from a woman who apparently can't keep a boyfriend for over 2 months because she comes up with some stupid reason to dismiss him and then asking, "What is wrong with me?!" (not so great for her as there some level of anxiety present) Well, he answered what was wrong.

 

Look, I married someone with lots of annoying habits. Believe it or not, I, too, have many annoying habits. Yes, it's true!

 

We didn't have to look past those habits. We didn't even see those habits in the "honeymoon period". That's what the rose-colored glasses, or maybe just the haze of heady lust, is for. It casts a spell, and by the time you discover all those little annoying habits, too late! You're already attached.

 

The bottom line is: she just isn't into them. Overlooking toothpaste caps and "see-food" isn't going to help that.

[elaine567]

Why try to train a stranger in basic manners?

 

The point of the video is that you may miss out someone who would be a wonderful partner for you, but instead you dismiss them for basically trivial reasons, like manners.

I think he may have something there, we in general set great store on manners, on superficial looks, on great shoes, well applied make up, designer "stuff", athletic bodies, cars and houses, when maybe we should be looking past all that and looking at the people and how they act around and towards us, and be more prepared to look past the superficial annoyances. The superficial annoyances are the "price of admission" we pay in order to be in long term relationships.

 

However he cites as an example the guy who when he makes a sandwich leaves the butter, the ham, the bread out on the counter, in the heat, in August and just walks away. He says better to just spend 30secs clearing it away then make a big deal of it, which would be true if it was just about the one sandwich.

Unfortunately people like that, once they realise they get away with it, tend to push the envelope, so before you know it, you are cleaning up behind them everywhere they go.

I get his reasoning, but human beings being human beings, when given an inch tend usually to take a mile.

[xxoo]

 

However he cites as an example the guy who when he makes a sandwich leaves the butter, the ham, the bread out on the counter, in the heat, in August and just walks away. He says better to just spend 30secs clearing it away then make a big deal of it, which would be true if it was just about the one sandwich.

Unfortunately people like that, once they realise they get away with it, tend to push the envelope, so before you know it, you are cleaning up behind them everywhere they go.

I get his reasoning, but human beings being human beings, when given an inch tend usually to take a mile.

 

Still, if she were attracted to the guy overall, she'd deal with it. She might rant and rave, or she might clean and resent, or she might zenfully let it go and live happily ever after, but she's not going to dump a man she's wild about over some lunch meat.

[NuevoYorko]

Still, if she were attracted to the guy overall, she'd deal with it. She might rant and rave, or she might clean and resent, or she might zenfully let it go and live happily ever after, but she's not going to dump a man she's wild about over some lunch meat.

And conversely, if her overall takeaway from the lunch transgression, or the open mouth chewing, stops at "EWWW, GROSS," then no amount of talking and critiquing of "shallow" preferences is going to make a whit of difference.

[angel.eyes]

And just think, after that long explanation that you wouldn't have been dripping in goo if you'd actually SAID something to him about that.

 

So now, I am to blame for his unacceptable behavior on the date??? Surely you jest... one hopes.

 

I am quite certain that in his decades on this earth more than a few people have informed him of this bad habit. People like that typically discount and argue with any feedback that they get. By the way, the fact that he acknowledged one of the globs that splattered on my arm was also notice that perhaps his mouth should have been shut as he gorged on my appetizer. That might also allow his date to get a word in edgewise.

 

Most people learn the basics of interacting with others by the time they're in high school. Dating is not charity work. If he can't get it together to manage the basics on a first date, it's not my job to give him remedial classes and additional field practice.

 

If you make me want to hurl, we aren't compatible. On to the next! The world is full of nice, considerate men who chew with their mouths closed, don't lunge over the table at a stranger's plate, and allow their dates to participate in the conversation. These aren't difficult characteristics to find in the dating world! Just no! I'm not some masochist that's into fixing projects and martyrdom.

[angel.eyes]

The point of the video is that you may miss out someone who would be a wonderful partner for you, but instead you dismiss them for basically trivial reasons, like manners.

I think he may have something there, we in general set great store on manners, on superficial looks,...

Ignoring red flags because you don't want to appear superficial is just silly. Ditto for ignoring them because, Price Charming just might be in the pile of manure. Should I go for an active IV drug abuser...because you never know, he might eventually get it together and I could risk losing out on an amazing guy. No! Let's get real. More likely, I would lose all my jewelry and silverware before that happens.

 

How about the date who yells at the waitress for not filling his water glass to his liking? How superficial of me to dismiss him when he was uber considerate of me!

 

I live a healthy lifestyle. Why on earth would I pick a couch potato with a beer gut who smokes two packs a day to date? I'm looking for someone who shares my values when it comes to health and lifestyle. Someone who can share my activities and interests. Someone who won't be prematurely disabled by their bad habits, and who can potentially enjoy living to a ripe old age with me. So, of course I'm in a relationship with someone who's adventurous, athletic and health-conscious.

 

IME, the thing about people who lack basic manners is they are often inconsiderate and oblivious to the needs and feelings of others in general. Bad manners is simply one manifestation of their general character flaw. That was certainly true of the guy I described earlier. Diving into my food and wiping his spittle off me when it got particularly egregious were simply two of a whole date full of inconsiderate behaviors that most people would never even engage in. The sad part is he thought the date went swimmingly, probably because he blathered on and on about how great he thought he was while scarfing down three appetizers--his, mine, and the extra one the waiter brought me. The date was all about him...self-centered, self-involved, self-focused, selfish him.

 

Fine. Learned enough. Red flags, not to mention, sheer disgust. Next!

[Buddhist]

I don't understand why you find it so outrageous that people (well, women, specifically) don't spend time with men that they know they don't like - even if that renders them single for the rest of their lives.

 

This. I am single now for almost a decade [barring a 2yr relationship in the middle] by choice. It's not actually a crime against humanity to be single. My single life is far better than my relationships ever were. Hence why I have such a low motivation to ever be in another one. It's becoming a lifestyle choice for many people. For people like me the price I'm willing to pay is very low because I've already got what I want and have very little desire to change it.

Edited November 7, 2016 by Buddhist

[MidwestUSA]

So now, I am to blame for his unacceptable behavior on the date??? Surely you jest... one hopes.

 

Angel, I got such a laugh out of your story, I'd have spit if I'd had food in my mouth. Forgive me.

 

I may have walked away earlier, simply to protect my clothing! There's nothing wrong with the way you handled it.

 

I was meeting a new first date at a restaurant. I got there first and was watching the door. He came thru the door wth a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. Now we're not talking about a tavern out in the sticks. He greeted me with said pick in mouth.

 

While eventually the pick was dropped, it led me to be hyperobservant of him. While I followed thru with the rest of the date, I did decide I didn't want a second. When I let him know that a couple of days later, guess what he sent me in return? A dick pic.

 

Who woulda thought? Picks to dicks.

[NuevoYorko]

It's not actually a crime against humanity to be single. My single life is far better than my relationships ever were. Hence why I have such a low motivation to ever be in another one.

Yes. And it's not even a crime against humanity if you continue to date or even [] have an account with pictures on a dating site, yet still choose to remain single. Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I think this is why some people wind up single for too long as some aren't willing to put up with even the minute flaws.

 

I think as a general rule of thumb you should seriously date/marry somebody who is as anal/OCD/socially mannered as yourself.

 

People are extremely different. One of my best friends walks around with multiple items of clothes that have cigarette holes in them. I have another friend who picks and chooses what photos she puts on Facebook based on the attractiveness of the people in the photo. Guess which one I consider a better friend? People have different priorities in life.

 

Your true personality WILL come out once you are spending weekends together, sleeping the same bed, etc, etc.

 

So, if you're anal about social norms, then by all means be anal about social norms. Just be nice about it...

Edited November 7, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[JuneJulySeptember]

The point of the video is that you may miss out someone who would be a wonderful partner for you, but instead you dismiss them for basically trivial reasons, like manners.

I think he may have something there, we in general set great store on manners, on superficial looks, on great shoes, well applied make up, designer "stuff", athletic bodies, cars and houses, when maybe we should be looking past all that and looking at the people and how they act around and towards us, and be more prepared to look past the superficial annoyances. The superficial annoyances are the "price of admission" we pay in order to be in long term relationships.

 

However he cites as an example the guy who when he makes a sandwich leaves the butter, the ham, the bread out on the counter, in the heat, in August and just walks away. He says better to just spend 30secs clearing it away then make a big deal of it, which would be true if it was just about the one sandwich.

Unfortunately people like that, once they realise they get away with it, tend to push the envelope, so before you know it, you are cleaning up behind them everywhere they go.

I get his reasoning, but human beings being human beings, when given an inch tend usually to take a mile.

 

Yes, the video itself is part of a broader argument.

 

For those who haven't watched it, the mouth chewing thing is just an example for being too picky in general.

 

The woman I am dating now had some flaws that I saw on the first date, flaws that are not even all that minor that would no doubt be automatic dealbreakers for a lot of people.

 

But I stuck with it for a number of reasons and I'm glad I did. The last year will go down as being one of the best years of my life.

 

However, everybody lives life their own way. Some people would rather die alone than compromise their pretty rigid standards and have vociferously stated that here. More power to 'em...

Edited November 7, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[xxoo]

 

The woman I am dating now had some flaws that I saw on the first date, flaws that are not even all that minor that would no doubt be automatic dealbreakers for a lot of people.

 

But I stuck with it for a number of reasons and I'm glad I did. The last year will go down as being one of the best years of my life.

 

 

Curious, did you grit your teeth and tolerate those flaws? Or did you overlook them because you were otherwise compellingly attracted to her?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Curious, did you grit your teeth and tolerate those flaws? Or did you overlook them because you were otherwise compellingly attracted to her?

 

They are not of the 'annoying' variety. They were compatibility flaws.

 

I can't think of too many 'annoying things' a woman could do that would make me next her on the first date. When women prattle on and on about how pretty/handsome their co-workers/friends/neighbors are, that is annoying, but those women typically don't go on dates with me.

Edited November 7, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember