Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 I've been married about 9 mths, and a few weeks ago a female friend of my H pops back into his life after being out of state for a while. He's known her for 8 years, she's from his hometown, and now she's calling him 3-4 times a day-EVERYDAY- "just to chat". My H swears he isn't a phone person, and when he's away on military business, we rarely talk more than 5 mins. But he stays on the phone with her 30-45 mins each time she calls or he calls her. He tries to be open, and will even give me the phone at times to speak. I'll talk to her for a minute, but it feels awkward, and he admitted that she asked him what did I say about her calling so much and he told her I said nothing, which I hadn't at the time. Has any other W's experienced this? Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Uh-oh... I see trouble on the horizon. Follow your gut. It's telling you something... Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 I grew up with an amazing group of friends. Literally have stayed friends with a large group of people I went to elementary school with. I think when you run into some one from your past or home town it is naturally to want to catch up and talk about past, present, future, etc. I think it may be harmless and the amount of conversation will wear off once they run out of air to talk about. Home town friends are rare to run into when people move off and into the world. Just give it some time and if it persists then you might want to tell them to tone it down. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 From a guy's POV, she's into him. You are fooling yourself otherwise. Doesn't matter if he allowed you to talk to her, etc. Him talking to her 30-45 mins each time, where she calls 3-4 times a day? You know that's from 1.5-3 hours a day they are on the phone? I believe she was just 'more than a friend'. Thing is, if you forbid him to talk to her he'll just find other avenues around it so that you don't know about it. Go with your gut instinct. Are you sure they haven't met up lately? Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 If she considered him just a friend and she was just interested in catching up on old times/hometown stuff, there would be absolutely NO reason in the world for her to call him daily, let alone 3-4 times a day, and for them to have such lengthy conversations - particularly because you say he's not much of a phone talker. It doesn't matter that she obviously knows about you, his wife........take a look here in the "OW/OM" (other woman/other man) Forum...........there's tons of women out there today who couldn't give tinker's dam* about whether a man is married or not - particularly if they feel some sort of connection. My concern here would also be WHY is your husband taking her calls? Why is he talking for so long to her? He obviously enjoys it?! What on earth is there to talk about for this long and this many times a day? "Catching up" should have been done in maybe 2-3 phonecalls, that's it. Do you get a sense that he's quite flattered with the attention? Did they ever have a dating history together? Sleep together? Do you know much about her? Is she married? I think your husband needs to be showing some respect to you and letting this dame know that it's getting to be too much here - and that it's just not appropriate for her to want to talk to him so much - but of course your husband will only be able to tell her this IF he actually agrees that this is the case. So it's your home # that she's calling? Does he have a cell phone? Is she by any chance contacting him on his cell? By email? through work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 He dated her sister some years ago, and she passed away while he was away on military business. She is not married, barely has a boyfriend to the best of my knowledge, and she's calling his cell. The convos seem a little too personal for comfort. He's always asking her how she's doing, is she sure everything's allright. Things like that... Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Myz_Heavenly He dated her sister some years ago, and she passed away while he was away on military business. She is not married, barely has a boyfriend to the best of my knowledge, and she's calling his cell. The convos seem a little too personal for comfort. He's always asking her how she's doing, is she sure everything's allright. Things like that... Had he dated her sister for a long time, do you know? How do you know they're talking so many times a day for such long periods - are these conversations occuring in your presence or are you checking the call logs on his phone? If so to the latter, is he ever actually calling HER? I suppose it's possible that she's having a very hard time getting over the death of her sister and she's reaching out to him because he was once her sister's boyfriend? I don't know. How do you mean the conversations seem a little too personal.......can you give some details about this? Why is it that she's asked to speak with you when she's on the phone with him.........that's kind of odd. What on earth would you 2 even have to talk about? Is that her idea or his? Do you think they've met in person recently? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 I don't know how long he dated her sister, and he mostly just passes me the phone without telling her b/c he told me she told him that he could have given her some "heads up" that she'd be speaking with me. As for the personal part of the convos, a person can tell by the tone of his voice changing. He's not even that gentle with his mom. Most of the time she calls him when I'm around, and sometimes he calls her after she has called him b/c he always says, I was calling you back or something to that effect. His excuse is, "whenever something interesting happens at home, people like to call and tell me, and since she doesn't really associate with many people, she'll call me." Well, why is it just her calling him with "interesting things?" I can sense she's wary of me b/c sometimes she'll text him to see if he can talk I guess and that's when he'll call her. But those messages seem to have mysteriously disappeared everytime I've checked his phone to see what the messages said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 And yes, he met her in person on the 4th. She gave him a haircut. At the time, I didn't even know she was from his hometown, and found it strange that the entire time we were there, he didn't try to get me to meet her. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 This is way off the line. Be alert and communicate well with your H. Try to fill in his emotional gaps. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Myz_Heavenly I don't know how long he dated her sister, and he mostly just passes me the phone without telling her b/c he told me she told him that he could have given her some "heads up" that she'd be speaking with me. As for the personal part of the convos, a person can tell by the tone of his voice changing. He's not even that gentle with his mom. Most of the time she calls him when I'm around, and sometimes he calls her after she has called him b/c he always says, I was calling you back or something to that effect. His excuse is, "whenever something interesting happens at home, people like to call and tell me, and since she doesn't really associate with many people, she'll call me." Well, why is it just her calling him with "interesting things?" I can sense she's wary of me b/c sometimes she'll text him to see if he can talk I guess and that's when he'll call her. But those messages seem to have mysteriously disappeared everytime I've checked his phone to see what the messages said. So have you told him now how this is all making you feel? If not, you need to...but in a very nice, non-confrontational way. Just tell him if the tables were turned and you were a single woman back in town, you wouldn't dream of calling up someone's husband all the time, that that's just inappropriate and disrespectful. See what his response is. How is your relationship/marriage? Has he ever given you any reason to not trust him? How long had you been together prior to getting married? I know you have to be careful here - you don't want to come across as the jealous, possessive wife who's trying to control him..........but you also want to nip this in the bud because it seems kind of obvious that she's not a thing for him and couldn't give a crap that he's got a wife. Maybe you should blow them both out of the water and suggest you all go out for lunch - tell him you'd like to meet this woman he spends so much time talking to - considering she's "such a friend" and all. Then get yourself all dolled up, go for lunch...........see how it goes, see how she is..........see how they interact, if it seems awkward, if he seems distant to you with her there, etc. I think you need to let this dame know you're not some passive lil' housewife who sits around and takes crap from other woman - that he's your husband and you're his wife. Maybe even at lunch, you could make some sweet yet direct comment about how they talk so often - something along the lines of, "wow, you 2 sure talk on the phone a lot, catching up on old times and chatting about things around town - I'd love for you to fill me in on all the interesting stuff." (something like that). Make your presence really known. I find it a concern, however, that he's calling her back. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Myz_Heavenly And yes, he met her in person on the 4th. She gave him a haircut. At the time, I didn't even know she was from his hometown, and found it strange that the entire time we were there, he didn't try to get me to meet her. So she's a hairdresser? I assume she gave him a haircut at the salon she works at or does she cut hair in her home? Do you know for sure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 We had a whirlwind romance before marriage-we were only together about 6 months before getting hitched. I think I will try that going out to lunch thing b/c I mentioned to him how it was odd that he visited her and I didn't meet her. He has given me cause to question my trust for him, which is why I'm so on edge now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 About the hair, he said she called him while he was riding around, to wish him a happy 4th, and he mentioned needing a cut, and she told him to come over. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Myz_Heavenly About the hair, he said she called him while he was riding around, to wish him a happy 4th, and he mentioned needing a cut, and she told him to come over. 4th of July isn't exactly like Christmas.......seems odd that someone would call up someone's husband to wish them a happy 4th......... So for her to invite him over for a haircut - I'm assuming it was to her home then because I'm assuming a hair salon wouldn't be open on the 4th? Do you know anyone from around there who knows much about her or could tell you what kind of chick she is? Do you have any close friends who you trust - who could give you the goods on her? I think you need to be very very firm that you're uneasy about this little friendship they have going on.....and as his wife, you have every right in the world to meet his friends, and naturally that includes her...............so either he can set it up or you will call her and set it up.......but either way, it's going to happen ASAP. Does she work at a salon do you know? Maybe YOU need a little trim Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 She did it from her home. She cuts her relatives' hair. I'm not from my H's hometown, and I live 4 hours away from his hometown. So, I don't know anyone to ask about her. I'm not even sure my sis-in-law, his sister, knows her, and if I was to ask, she would probably go back and tell him I was asking. He already calls me jealous, and I can't seem to make him understand that I just don't understand the need for the need for the numerous daily convos. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Now he's using reverse psychology. If he had a conscience of any sort, he'd agree to cool it. Every cheater accuses the other of jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Bluntly, this sounds like at least the beginnings of an emotional affair. And bluntly, if you're struggling with this only 9 mos. into the marriage, I SERIOUSLY have concerns about the rest of your marriage. This is the part that is supposed to be the 'honeymoon' phase...and if he's already doing this to you, you can bet that it's not likely to get better. Personally, I suggest you 'lay down the law'. NC with this woman, because it's making you very uncomfortable. If he refuses, perhaps an annulment is in order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 I suspect an emotional relationship b/c he's accused me of trying to have one when I go for days without even talking to anyone except him. He told me that he told her "I would get over it, he guesses, if I had a problem with them talking". Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Bluntly, this sounds like at least the beginnings of an emotional affair. And bluntly, if you're struggling with this only 9 mos. into the marriage, I SERIOUSLY have concerns about the rest of your marriage. This is the part that is supposed to be the 'honeymoon' phase...and if he's already doing this to you, you can bet that it's not likely to get better. Personally, I suggest you 'lay down the law'. NC with this woman, because it's making you very uncomfortable. If he refuses, perhaps an annulment is in order. You need to totally lay down the law and be firm in explaining what the boundaries are. If he gives you hard time, twists it around and accuses you of being jealous or insecure, then hun - what you've got is not a husband and you seriously need to consider getting your marriage annuled if you can, or start divorce proceedings. Spouses are supposed to consider one another's feelings and not behave in such a way that's inappropriate or harmful to the marriage. What he's doing here is very wrong and disrespectful to you, his wife, and to your marriage. You've gotta stand up to him and tell him you wont accept this in any way, shape or form. When you originally posted, I had no idea this skank had had him over to her house.....that's way more than a red flag, that's flashing lights and sirens. However, I think the problem is that even if you put your foot down and tell him to knock this off, the damage has already been done - a good and loving husband wouldn't be doing this kind of thing to begin with.........so even if you can get him to stop, it doesn't change what he's done or is obviously capable of doing. Almost all cheaters try to twist it all around and accuse the one they're cheating on of being jealous, insecure, possessive, clingy, psycho, crazy, immature, etc. They're both disrespecting you in a very profound way - they likely think you're just so trust and too stupid to catch on here. If it were me, I'd boot his ass out the door, tell him that until such times as he can start acting like a husband, he can live somewhere else - and while he's gone you'll be inquiring about the process for annulment and/or divorce because you shouldn't even have to tell him how f*cked up this all is. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 And you are sure that he just got a haircut from her and nothing else? Like the others, lay down the law. He'll come back & say your are controlling, jealous, etc.. Make it seem like your fault but it's not. It's his fault for disrespecting you and doing this knowing how much it bothers you. He should be putting your feelings #1, above EVERYONE elses. Get the book 'Love must be tough'. Give him the ultamatium and stick to it and always follow your gut instinct. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myz_Heavenly Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 Thanx for the advice. I'm looking forward to putting it to use. Link to post Share on other sites
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