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Jealous ex sabotaged me. Can it be fixed?


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I’m in college, and during the spring semester, I had a TA for one of my classes, that wasn’t too much older than me. Our relationship was appropriate during the semester, but it was obvious towards the end that we had a lot in common and liked each other. Neither of us acted on anything. We kept it professional and never saw each other off campus.

 

I took a summer course and once again this TA was part of the course. Throughout the summer we kept things professional, but the chemistry was undeniable by the time that semester ended. There is also something else… I had recently (during the spring) broken up with my ex of 3 years. It was a very bad relationship that I was so glad to be out of. However, my ex couldn’t let go.

 

He kept trying to get back with me. Because of the threats he was making, I, out of fear of him doing something to me or to himself, decided to play things “safe” and stay in contact with him. Big mistake. He interpreted that as me inching towards getting back together. I told him about the TA one night. He didn’t take it well. I was not in contact with the TA over my short summer break, I felt it was probably best to let it go, because I didn’t want my ex to act out. Finally, the fall semester started. After the first few weeks, I ran into the TA. He was happy to see me. We caught up asking each other how our break was. He then said it was nice to see me and that I should stop by the TA office if I’m ever around. I took him up on the offer and went to visit him several times throughout the semester.

 

Things were going pretty well. During one of the visits, he asked me out. I said yes. We didn’t make specific plans, but I made the mistake of informing my ex. I wanted him to know that he should move on and to please leave me alone. That really blew him up. He decided to contact the university and accuse the TA of being a sexual predator amongst other allegations. The superiors at school notified me about what my ex had done. I explained to them that none of the allegations were true and that my ex was just out to sabotage me. I explained that I’m no longer his student and will never be again, I won’t even have classes in his department. I also expressed my concern on apologizing to him. One of the superiors said that if I wanted to apologize, to do so during office hours.

 

I wanted to apologize to the TA, because he did not deserve any of this, especially because he didn’t know I had a crazy ex. I waited a couple weeks for things to “calm down” a little, but I couldn’t deal with myself knowing the problems I’d caused. Finally, I worked up the courage to apologize to the TA in person. He looked miserable! I’ve never seen him look like that. I felt so bad, my heart broke at the sight of him. After staring at each other in silence for quite some time, I asked if I could have a moment to speak to him, he said no. Then very, very slowly shut the door in my face. As much as I wanted to stop him from shutting the door, I didn’t.

 

I felt like he wanted me to stop him, but neither of us did. I fought back the tears and left defeated. I’ve since then distanced myself from my ex, but my question is: could I ever fix things between the TA and I? Does he want nothing to do with me? While I understand why he’s upset, I just wanted the chance to apologize to him in person. I’m devastated. I can't stop thinking about him. I'm angry at my ex for his actions, but I'm also angry at myself.

 

My ex said he did it out of love and a last ditch effort to win me back. He felt like the TA was taking me away from him. But he doesn't understand the situation he's caused for me at school and the overwhelming pain I feel knowing I will no longer have the TA in my life.

 

I hope one day he can forgive me. I never wanted to jeapordize his career.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Oh, dear.

 

This wasn't your fault, but you do need to learn to draw better boundaries with your ex. He had no business knowing who exactly you'd been interested in, especially if you knew he wasn't a stable person.

 

Again, that's not to say this is your fault. It isn't. What your ex did was awful.

 

But I would leave the TA alone completely. Any further contact with you could damage his career. You did the right thing letting school authorities know that this was a baseless and utterly false allegation. But I don't believe there will be a second chance here. There would be too much riding on his personal and professional reputation.

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Scarlett.O'hara

Sorry, but no this can't be fixed. Your ex could not have picked a better way to get this other guy out of the picture. Those accusations have put his career in serious jeopardy. There is no way he is going to date you now.

 

I'm sorry you probably feel extremely upset by the situation and want to make it up to him. The only way you can do that is to stay away from him. He is going to be under close scrutiny from now on so you can be sure that he isn't going to take any chances with you. It sucks, but you have to let him go.

 

As for your ex, he sounds toxic. For your own sake, curt him out of your life completely.

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What are the rules regarding a TA being romantically involved with students? Even students who are not in the TA's class? I'm guessing it's not allowed otherwise the superiors wouldn't have been able to insist that you apologize during office hours. If there were no policy against this then they wouldn't have cared about your ex's accusations. Sounds like you and the TA were dangerously close to crossing a boundary and this incident was a reminder to him not to get personally involved with a student. I think you need to respect his decision to have no further contact.

 

Secondly you need to get your ex completely out of your life. You could have told him that the relationship was over and he needed to move on without telling him you were going on a date and exactly who the date was. Why did you give him so much info? It sounds like you wanted to torment him or make him jealous or something. When a relationship is over you don't share the minute details of you love life with the ex. Cut him completely off.

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Thank you all for your responses.

 

It really hurts to know I can never see or speak to the TA again. I liked him for about 10 months. Still do. Two weeks before asking me out, he asked me how long until I graduate. I told him I still had 4 semesters. Obviously, I still have awhile to go. :(

 

As far as the rules for dating a student no longer in class, I copied and pasted the following from the university policy handbook: "Relationships outside the Instructional Context. A faculty member should be careful to distance himself or herself from any decisions that may reward or penalize a student with whom he or she has or has had an amorous or sexual relationship, even outside the instructional context, especially when the faculty member and student are in the same academic unit or in units that are allied academically."

 

I'm devastated to know that he and I can't even have a professional relationship in the future. I'd rather have him in my life professionally than not at all. I know that's selfish for me to say, considering the mess the TA is dealing with. My only hope is that he doesn't hate me and that things get better for him. I really want to move forward from this, but it's a painful reminder every time I'm on campus. I'm also bitter, because I was so close to something I really wanted, and now I'll never have that opportunity.

 

Honestly, I don't know why I shared that much with my ex. For some reason I felt compelled to be honest with him. That and he kept saying he knew I was going to move on and forget about him and that he knew it was with the TA. He kept yelling at me to tell him and to be honest. He said he'd respect me more if I told him the truth and that we'd go our separate ways. I know what it's like to be lied to and wanted to give him "closure" and ensure that he'd move on and leave me alone. Obviously that wasn't the smartest move. Especially knowing he's not stable. Now the damage is done and I have to live with the consequences.

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