Considering ending after 27 years

[Despdad]

Been married 27 years and seriously considering leaving.

Got 2 grown up kids that have left home but an 11 year old at home.

Wife can't have sex anymore after an op went wrong, but that's not just the reason I'm thinking of leaving. I just think we are more like friends now than husband and wife.

Life has been pretty crap for us the last 10 years with one thing or another thrown at us and I just feel we are going from day to day with no future plans etc. It's really getting me down.

I really feel i could just walk out the door but It does worry me leaving my 11 year old though.

I've tried to talk to the wife but she doesn't listen.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd schedule a marriiage counseling appointment and drag her there.

 

Lots going on in your marriage and life, seems to deserve an effort to sort things out.

 

After 27 years, there's much invested and a child depending on you. Don't just walk away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Been married 27 years and seriously considering leaving.

Got 2 grown up kids that have left home but an 11 year old at home.

Wife can't have sex anymore after an op went wrong, but that's not just the reason I'm thinking of leaving. I just think we are more like friends now than husband and wife.

Life has been pretty crap for us the last 10 years with one thing or another thrown at us and I just feel we are going from day to day with no future plans etc. It's really getting me down.

I really feel i could just walk out the door but It does worry me leaving my 11 year old though.

I've tried to talk to the wife but she doesn't listen.

 

GO to marriage counseling with your wife. You don't just throw in the towel and give absolute minimal effort after 27 years of marriage.

 

Tell your wife how unhappy you are. If she won't listen to you, write her an honest and respectful letter about how you're feeling and why.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Been married 27 years and seriously considering leaving.

Got 2 grown up kids that have left home but an 11 year old at home.

Wife can't have sex anymore after an op went wrong, but that's not just the reason I'm thinking of leaving. I just think we are more like friends now than husband and wife.

Life has been pretty crap for us the last 10 years with one thing or another thrown at us and I just feel we are going from day to day with no future plans etc. It's really getting me down.

I really feel i could just walk out the door but It does worry me leaving my 11 year old though.

I've tried to talk to the wife but she doesn't listen.

 

 

Despdad, I'm sorry you are facing this situation. You had dreams of being married to your Beloved Bride, and then things don't go the way you thought they would. That is unfortunate.

 

Due to my religious convictions, I'm not able to suggest filing divorce.

 

I hope you can solve whatever issues need fixed, and that you'll do the marriage counseling as suggested by the posters above me.

 

****************

 

Now that I made my position clear, I want to add this comment:

 

I lost my wife after 20+ years of marriage because she just wanted out.

 

So, maybe that is where you are right now. You are not wanting marriage counseling, you are not wanting your wife to change --- you just want something different in life.

 

There was nothing I could do to "fix" the marriage; our marriage really wasn't broken. I was a great husband, she had everything that I thought she needed/wanted BUT she just got tired of being a wife and mother.

 

To me, that doesn't make her an evil jerk.

 

I'm sure not tickled with her decision to walk away, but I understand the "why" she needed to leave.

 

Maybe that is you. Maybe you are tired, you want something different, you want to move on.

 

I think you will need to answer questions like these:

 

Do you want out?

Do you want separation?

Do you want to try to fix whatever you are looking for while still married to your wife.

 

BUT, I understand why some people file divorce --- they want something different.

 

It sure doesn't sound to me like you are a narcissistic jerk trying to hurt your wife; but I'll tell you this, if you do leave, she is going to hurt for a long time.

 

If you do leave, I hope you will be gentleman enough to support her and not just hang her out to dry, and fend for herself.

 

According to the experts, we can't leave someone that we love --- so we start arguments, we begin to complain about everything they do, etc., and that helps us justify leaving.

 

If you do decide to leave, I would beg you to let her down very, very easy.

 

Be honest; don't blame her; don't start arguments, and if she won't listen, then maybe she will listen to a counselor or a family member could even be a neutral spokesperson, a letter as suggested above, etc.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Despdad, you have been given a lot of good, sensible advice which you can implement to your advantage. I would urge you to do so. I want to ask you whether you are having an affair which is the motivation for you wanting to leave. There are really a very few cases where a spouse wants to or actually does separate from their husband/ wife for other reasons. Those reasons can be temperamental unfitness for being married in the first place or latent homosexuality/ lesbianism. Usually an affair is the trigger or motivation for separation band divorce. Of course another reason could be serious incompatibility. If you read Jennifer's story on this sub forum you will see how incompatibility and addiction to hallucinogens can lead to a difficult situation. Luckily for her she has'nt yet given up on her husband.

 

So do give counselling a chance. Warm wishes.

[Despdad]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

Counseling is out of the question, she'd never agree and to be honest I dont think it would do any good.

No other person is involved, neither myself or my wife is having an affair.

I think I just want out, there is no love left, at least from my side.

I just dont want to destroy my childs life, and I feel the only way I can ensure that is to stay.

[PegNosePete]

Counseling is out of the question, she'd never agree and to be honest I dont think it would do any good.

It is true that if she's being "forced" to go, and doesn't really want to be there, then it's unlikely to do much good. A desire to fix things is a requirement for success. It takes 2 to tango: no matter how much work you're putting in, if she's not even trying, it's doomed to failure. You need to let her know that you're serious here, that you want to fix the marriage, but if it's not fixable then you will be walking. I would do the following:

 

Tell your wife that you feel your marriage is in trouble and you think counselling would help. If she says no then ask her what she feels about the state of the marriage, if she is happy, and what she thinks is the best way to fix it.

 

Give it a week. If nothing changes then tell her you are not happy in the marriage and you feel that counselling is the only way to fix it. If she still says no then tell her you'll give it another week, before considering what to do.

 

If nothing changes after another week, tell her you don't think the marriage is fixable, and you will be taking steps to end it.

 

I just dont want to destroy my childs life, and I feel the only way I can ensure that is to stay.

That is false thinking. A child's life is not "destroyed" by divorce. Plenty of kids grow up in divorced families these days. It is arguably more harmful for a child to grow up in an unhappy household where the parents don't love each other. That is setting a much worse example and showing kids that an unhappy marriage and unhappy life is normal. Better to give the child 2 normal, happy (but separate) parents than 2 unhappy (together) ones.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Despdad, have you had a heart to heart talk with your wife about how you feel? Have you told her that if things don't change tremendously, that you ate thinking of divorce? A situation such as this foes not happen overnight. It must have built up over years. In the early stages tackling it head on might have helped things to work out differently. Does your wife work? Will she be financially independent or will you have to support her for the rest of her life if you divorce? If she does not work I guess you would have to pay her alimony apart from dividing your assets with her. Does that look like a good prospect to you? I guess these are questions you should reflect on to come to a workable solution. Best wishes.

[Despdad]

We have no assets as such, couple of bad choices in the past left us living 'hand to mouth'

She cant work and is considered disabled so the 'state' looks after her. (She worked all her life up to 3 years ago so paid plenty in taxes etc)

 

Thanks for the comment about my child, I see what your saying, it is one of the main reasons I havent walked already but seeing your comment makes me think.

 

Perhaps Ill talk to her and see how things go up to xmas.

 

Thanks again

[VeveCakes]

Do not stay for the kids....kids figure it out eventually and it does more damage than "faking" it. I have seen it time and time again. Kids would rather see their parents happy...then living a lie.

[Sweetfish]

Been married 27 years and seriously considering leaving.

Got 2 grown up kids that have left home but an 11 year old at home.

Wife can't have sex anymore after an op went wrong, but that's not just the reason I'm thinking of leaving. I just think we are more like friends now than husband and wife.

Life has been pretty crap for us the last 10 years with one thing or another thrown at us and I just feel we are going from day to day with no future plans etc. It's really getting me down.

I really feel i could just walk out the door but It does worry me leaving my 11 year old though.

I've tried to talk to the wife but she doesn't listen.

 

 

The sex thing. It seems like a real problem; however, this is a situation were an operation went wrong. Me and you are two different people. I could never leave a wife for that reason. She would be devastated and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I left her for a medical condition.

 

You talk about no future plans right? Life throwing curve balls at you? Man up.

 

Can I ask you a question? What have you've done to change? IS walking out going to fix everything? What are your plans?

 

Yeah, the patch of grass you sit on is soil now..but what seeds have YOU planted for growth?

 

I think whats going to happen is your going to start fighting and she is going to start listing the cons about you and your going to fire back her cons and no resolve or resolution will transpire.

 

Personally. I would really sit down and evaluate your self.

IM DEAD SERIOUS..

 

Stop worrying about the bad things you feel about your wife. Are you not fixing stuff at the house, have you put on weight, do you REALLY listen to your wife. Do you not give your wife flowers, kiss her and tell her I love you.. or at least tell her thank you for being a good wife. Have you blown off your hobbies, stop traveling.

 

Seriously, fix those things. like now.

 

really evaluate your self. Until you see your not perfect either and maybe not happy with your self. you as a unit can not be happy, if your not happy.

 

Sometime you have to take the lead for the other to follow. If you don't have the strength to do this.. I have no good advice for you.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Sweetfish

[Despdad]

The sex thing is not the reason, I did mention this at the beginning,

However do I want to be celibate for the rest of my life, no I dont, but I would for my wife.

 

I have tried to make plans together but she wont look into the furure, rather day to day.

Our lives are slipping away and every day is the same as the last. She wont go anywhere, just prefers to sit in the house all day.

 

Believe me I have tried, I have even tried to change how I am to suit her. I know I am not perfect, no one is.

[Arieswoman]

Despdad,

I am sorry for your situation but I really don't understand this;

 

Wife can't have sex anymore after an op went wrong,

 

I used to be in healthcare so perhaps you could explain what the problem is, as I have never heard of this before?

[Mr. Lucky]

I used to be in healthcare so perhaps you could explain what the problem is, as I have never heard of this before?

 

And beyond this, did they sew her lips shut? Tie her hands behind her back?

 

There's lots of ways for couples to express sexual intimacy that don't involve intercourse. Again, counseling is a structured setting where these sentiments can be expressed. I'd say something like this:

 

"Wife, despite everything that's happened, I love you and want to fight for our marriage. With 27 years and 3 kids together, we have a shared history and mutual responsibility to our family. I'm asking you to also commit to the future of our relationship by attending MC with me. I have some things I'd like to say and expect you do too. We owe it to each other to at least try to build a better life together. Will you join me?"

 

Mr. Lucky

[Despdad]

She had a vaginal hysterectomy and it has left her with nerve damage which results in constant pain like a knife in her vagina and lower back/right leg.

 

Hospital cannot do anything more for her.

 

It is fairly common as we have come across stories on the internet.

 

She wont entertain any other form of intimacy.

 

But like I said this isnt the problem, Ive lived for 3 years without so not the real issue.

[Sweetfish]

The sex thing is not the reason, I did mention this at the beginning,

However do I want to be celibate for the rest of my life, no I dont, but I would for my wife.

 

I have tried to make plans together but she wont look into the furure, rather day to day.

Our lives are slipping away and every day is the same as the last. She wont go anywhere, just prefers to sit in the house all day.

 

Believe me I have tried, I have even tried to change how I am to suit her. I know I am not perfect, no one is.

 

 

Your not understanding... you need to start bettering your self and taking care of your kid. Once your happy it is much easier to make a decision and see if she will notice and follow your betterment. If you file for divorce now... you will be forced to go to therapy or counseling and it will be drawn out and you, the wife, and kid will not be happy.

 

Start fixing your self.. love your wife at her lowest point in her life and see if she follows..

 

For better or for worse.

 

If not than make the decision to fill for divorce.. in a way your kinda on your own now.. but kids are involved.

 

After work I would start going to the gym for 30 mins everyday.

 

Trust me man its hard... but start somewhere... when it comes to divorce men get the you know what part of the stick.