Sister is Having a Kid

[Crescendo]

She is 24 and finally got pregnant. We have been living together for 6 yrs now. First 5 yrs she had a fiancee but it didn't work out. He was living with us. Now she has a new BF they have been dating almost a yr and he lives with us.

We were all shocked by it. My feeling was up and down. I hope she has a healthy kid. She will have lots of family support that's for sure.

 

One of her bigger fears was that I am going to leave. If she could have me living with her forever she would love that. I just feel like I am at a loss here. We live 2 mins away from my mom. My mom has her things going on and she also works. Me on the other hand, I am in between jobs now. She cannot afford daycare. She won't want to stop working (also to add she is getting a great job that pays 17+/hr) so she's not going to want to stay at home. So that'll leave me to watch the kid in the AM and afternoon.

Because who else can? We are already struggling and it is just the 3 of us. I felt like once she got pregnant, it effects me too. I mean, yeah, the guy she is with is a cool dude overall. But he is reckless sometimes with his finances.

 

My mom can't sacrifice her job because she has a guy who's just a waste of space. He smokes, and does weed. He gets SSI but he still takes more than he gives. I calculated this up in my mind many times. I cannot see any other way than me being a watch for the baby. I am 27 and have no idea what to do with my life or what direction to take. It seems like I'm just person in everyone's path.

[Miss Clavel]

it sounds like you need a job of your own.

 

 

 

i've raised my share of "orphans". i looked after my toddler nephew every weekend from 6am till 8pm. for two years. and i made my sister pay me. she had the money, i needed the money, i was in school and her paying me insured that she came straight home from work.

 

it never earned me more than a few dollars, not affection or appreciation. and i lost a lot of time i could have used to build up seniority at a regular job.

 

if you get a job you won't be around. they will have to "grow-up" and look after their own baby.

 

if you do give in and decide to raise your sister's child, try getting a couple of other kids to look after at the same time, and make some money.

 

which you can use to move out.

 

it's very difficult to raise a child, day in and day out, week after week, it's just hard, boring lonely work, even if it's your own child.

 

so, if you do this for them, make sure they understand that there is a firm date when this will end.

 

research trust worthy day care for them. and let them know you will not be doing this forever, cuz you're getting a job, of your own.

 

and a life of your own.

[basil67]

Crescendo, you need to establish some boundaries pronto.

 

You could casually raise a discussion about your own plans for the near/medium future. Make it clear that you won't be pinned down as a childcare person.

 

Or, ask her point blank how she's going to manage working and childcare. If she says that she hopes you will do it, tell her no.

 

Don't put all the drama of "who else can do it?" on yourself. This is your sister's problem - not yours. If your sister is having a baby, the sooner she learns to act like a grownup and make provisions for the child, the better. You carrying her burden is just enabling her immaturity.

 

Lastly, being a carer can be extremely demanding and isolating. There's a reason so many mums go back to work! Not to mention that taking a few years off work will see your skills fall behind in the job market. It will be difficult for you to get another job after a few years off.

[Crescendo]

I also looked at that. Like, if I don't get back into work it will be difficult to get back into the swing of things.

 

Maybe this all runs deeper than I thought. To sum it up, I've been the only consistent and good man in my mom and sister's life. My mom was married to an alcoholic abuser 16 yrs. My sis dated a guy who was just terrible for 5. Now my mom has a new BF going on 3 yrs who's also just bad. My sis has her trials with this current guy.

 

But all through this happening I've been some kind of blanket of saving. She immediately cried after thinking I would leave. In many ways I have held us together. And I would feel like I am somewhat abandoning them. If I didn't feel this way I wouldn't even be making this post I tell ya.

But there has been times where I just wanted to get me a job, get my own little place and not have my life effected by them. It seems like my life is effected tremendously by the men they date.

 

My dating life has never effected them to that degree. I do agree with @basil67 on me enabling. For the past year I have been working on not enabling her because my mom even said it won't help her.

 

Our lease is up in February. The baby won't be here until summer.

[ASG]

It worries me that you compare yourself to the men they date... You are FAMILY. Not a romantic partner. Also, your purpose in life is not to save them.

 

So live your life. Don't put it on hold for your family. I mean... sure, help out where you can, but not at the detriment of your own life.

 

Get a job. They don't have to have an in built babysitter. It's their baby, they'll figure it out.

[anika99]

You need to move out and set some boundaries. It's great that you have been a caring son and brother but you deserve a normal life for yourself. The relationship you have with your family is dysfunctional. It's not your fault. It sounds like your mother cast you in the role caregiver early on and you stepped up to the plate because you love your family, but it isn't fair of your mother and now your sister to do that to you.

 

Don't you want your own wife and family someday? Doing nothing but taking care of your sisters baby won't lead to a life for yourself. If I were you I would tell her right away that you will not be her fulltime babysitter. That way she has plenty of time to arrange childcare.

[GunslingerRoland]

That is not something you need to feel responsible for, sure you are going to be an Aunt. And I'd expect you'd want to babysit sometimes, but it's different between babysitting sometimes and being full time daily child care.

 

She'll have to figure out childcare between her and her bf. I mean she's 24, she isn't a 16 year old.

 

Also what is your situation... why are you struggling so much financially given that you've got 2 other people to share your place with?

[Crescendo]

Well I asked that question many times. But we struggle because they are careless with their money sometimes. My sister is wiser about it but her BF needs work. They both have car notes. Both have to pay a few credit cards. But the thing is, they are always broke. And at one time they made more than me. I was getting paid minimum wage and they were bussing 15-16/hr. How can they not have any money? Its just mathematically asinine. I even asked her BF how much he makes in a month and he didn't know! So how are you budgeting money and you don't even know your monthly income? Its like, I'm Autistic dude c'mon.

 

I don't try to compare myself to the men they date but it's hard not to. They both even said it, thd man in their lives is me. If you look back on it, even the basic things, I helped with. They help me abundantly too I cannot forget that. But I'm saying, in things where their partner could help, they don't.

They both constantly say, Crescendo isn't gonna be with us forever, he could end up getting a wife and whatnot. But its different saying that, than when it actually happens.

I'm focusing on getting a better job and maybe getting back into school. Idk. Just cannot quite figure out where my life is going right now or what am I even here for.

[GunslingerRoland]

I guess that complicates things that you have autism. Although clearly you are extremely high functioning, although I don't know the subtle ways it may affect your day to day life.

 

But the bottom line is that your sister and her bf have the job of providing for their baby. Of course a new baby will affect you if you are living with them, but you aren't somehow responsible for providing for THEIR baby or figuring out THEIR childcare situation.

 

You say that they are dependent on you, but your post says you are the one that doesn't work, and you didn't make much when you did. It sounds like you are the one dependent on them, unless I'm misunderstanding.

[Tayla]

To clarify - the offer to babysit or help a member of the family during their first family addition does NOT fall under enabling.

 

It's getting so badly abused .. That if a person uses common courtesy of holding a door or helping someone carry a heavy item.., that someone will chime! Enabler! (Smh!) where has civility gone off the track and landed in a sess pool.

 

I will lend a hand... Be of support and sometimes guide folks to standing on their own.., some of us still recall what it's like to be a positive influence .. And show decency for family .. Yes.. Even babysit for free. Because the alternative is not very pretty..

[basil67]

To clarify - the offer to babysit or help a member of the family during their first family addition does NOT fall under enabling.

 

But this is a lot more than just helping out a family member with a new baby. Sure, most of us will mind a niece or nephew or a friend's child when required. That's fine.

 

But we're talking about a potential parent who will burst into tears at the thought he may not be around to help her in future. A 24yo woman who's about to have a child but can't manage childcare. She's behaving like a 16yo and if he drops everything to do all her childcare and all her thinking and planning, she will stay like a 16yo.

 

And he will fall behind in the job market.

 

You compared his help to opening a door for a person. But I think this is like opening a door for someone who refuses to learn how to open a door for themselves. There's a line between helping out and being taken advantage of. At some point, some people need to know how to open their own doors.

[Crescendo]

No doubt they do help me out and it is tremendous roommating with them. It make look like I am dependent on them, but if you look, I always end up being the blanket somehow. With the little I make. The point of me moving out rooming with them was to save money and have more. But ever since we stuck together, it seems like I am losing more.

 

My sister has switched jobs so much that she can't even claim taxes really because it would be pointless to. Her BF makes $15/hr and somehow always don't have money. BUT, he'll have enough money to: get her nails/hair done, buy a game, etc. He has money, but it's for what is convenient for him. It is mathematically impossible how they don't have money but I make less and STILL able to have money leftover.

 

They have: car notes, credit card bills, that is it. But still, that shouldn't drain you out of a $900-$1000 paycheck.

[GunslingerRoland]

No doubt they do help me out and it is tremendous roommating with them. It make look like I am dependent on them, but if you look, I always end up being the blanket somehow. With the little I make. The point of me moving out rooming with them was to save money and have more. But ever since we stuck together, it seems like I am losing more.

 

My sister has switched jobs so much that she can't even claim taxes really because it would be pointless to. Her BF makes $15/hr and somehow always don't have money. BUT, he'll have enough money to: get her nails/hair done, buy a game, etc. He has money, but it's for what is convenient for him. It is mathematically impossible how they don't have money but I make less and STILL able to have money leftover.

 

They have: car notes, credit card bills, that is it. But still, that shouldn't drain you out of a $900-$1000 paycheck.

 

$15/hour is slightly more than minimum wage... I'm not surprised he is broke. I mean a car note alone is probably close to 1/4 of his months pay. I was extremely hesitant to buy a new car and I make more than 3 times as much as that guy. Broke people shouldn't buy cars they have to finance.

 

Also you can't not claim taxes just because you've worked multiple jobs.

 

It doesn't sound like your sister and her bf are particularly responsible adults. They have low income jobs, and are trying to afford "luxuries" and now are trying to bring a baby into the world too. I don't think you can fix this, it would be nice if your Mom was more responsible and could work with them a bit to help teach them some adult skills. But she sounds like she is just as bad.

 

All you can do is focus on yourself... how can you manage your money. What is the best job you can work your way up too. Find a way to try and break this cycle of borderline poverty if only for yourself.

[Crescendo]

Their car notes are no more than $300. Plus insurance. The bills are all split 3 ways. Let's say they start over. Start off by budgeting wisely. Of course they will be broke. They'f have like $100-200 to their names. Maybe $300. But why not save $150 for your next paycheck and build on that? I made a little over $1100 a month and still made it work I even have things saved up.

 

They both got car notes because they weren't patient. I took the bus until I was 24 and got a car. My mom helped of course. Both of their cars are nice. Made around this decade mine is a 2003.

 

As of now they are slowly getting it. My sis wises up more, but her BF it'll take him a while. What I'm going to do is save up more money just for me. Ride this next year out and see how they react when the baby is here. I need to get those images of me always being there out of my head.

[UpwardForward]

She is 24 and finally got pregnant. We have been living together for 6 yrs now. First 5 yrs she had a fiancee but it didn't work out. He was living with us. Now she has a new BF they have been dating almost a yr and he lives with us.

We were all shocked by it. My feeling was up and down. I hope she has a healthy kid. She will have lots of family support that's for sure.

 

One of her bigger fears was that I am going to leave. If she could have me living with her forever she would love that. I just feel like I am at a loss here. We live 2 mins away from my mom. My mom has her things going on and she also works. Me on the other hand, I am in between jobs now. She cannot afford daycare. She won't want to stop working (also to add she is getting a great job that pays 17+/hr) so she's not going to want to stay at home. So that'll leave me to watch the kid in the AM and afternoon.

Because who else can? We are already struggling and it is just the 3 of us. I felt like once she got pregnant, it effects me too. I mean, yeah, the guy she is with is a cool dude overall. But he is reckless sometimes with his finances.

 

My mom can't sacrifice her job because she has a guy who's just a waste of space. He smokes, and does weed. He gets SSI but he still takes more than he gives. I calculated this up in my mind many times. I cannot see any other way than me being a watch for the baby. I am 27 and have no idea what to do with my life or what direction to take. It seems like I'm just person in everyone's path.

 

You are a Good responsible person, and seem to always be there to help your loved ones.

 

Should you have a time of need, people will probably be there for you, as well.

[UpwardForward]

it sounds like you need a job of your own.

 

 

 

i've raised my share of "orphans". i looked after my toddler nephew every weekend from 6am till 8pm. for two years. and i made my sister pay me. she had the money, i needed the money, i was in school and her paying me insured that she came straight home from work.

 

it never earned me more than a few dollars, not affection or appreciation. and i lost a lot of time i could have used to build up seniority at a regular job.

 

if you get a job you won't be around. they will have to "grow-up" and look after their own baby.

 

if you do give in and decide to raise your sister's child, try getting a couple of other kids to look after at the same time, and make some money.

 

which you can use to move out.

 

it's very difficult to raise a child, day in and day out, week after week, it's just hard, boring lonely work, even if it's your own child.

 

so, if you do this for them, make sure they understand that there is a firm date when this will end.

 

research trust worthy day care for them. and let them know you will not be doing this forever, cuz you're getting a job, of your own.

 

and a life of your own.

 

Yes, the (bolded) above OP.

[Els]

To clarify - the offer to babysit or help a member of the family during their first family addition does NOT fall under enabling.

 

It's getting so badly abused .. That if a person uses common courtesy of holding a door or helping someone carry a heavy item.., that someone will chime! Enabler! (Smh!) where has civility gone off the track and landed in a sess pool.

 

I will lend a hand... Be of support and sometimes guide folks to standing on their own.., some of us still recall what it's like to be a positive influence .. And show decency for family .. Yes.. Even babysit for free. Because the alternative is not very pretty..

 

There is a HUGE difference between occasionally babysitting your niece/nephew, and taking care of them 40 hrs/week because their parents cannot afford daycare! The former is not 'enabling', the latter absolutely is. NOBODY is obliged to spend that many hours a week taking care of ANYONE who isn't their own child.

 

OP, you need to look for a job pronto so you can move out if it comes down to that. If you are living under your sister's roof, then certainly there would be expectations of you helping out with the baby. If you don't want to do that, you need to become financially independent.

[mikeylo]

You are being taken advantage of. It's really that simple.

 

Don't say anything to them at this point. Plan your exit. It's easy for us to say but that's the only option you have to avoid your own life coming to a dead end. You are young and once you start this 'job' , they will take you for granted and moreover, how are you going to do anything for yourself?

 

Taking care of a baby is extremely difficult! Even if you do, they will always find fault in your ' parenting' style.

 

Dude, move with a friend, live in a shelter, whatever but just move out.