Getting into a long distance relationship with a bipolar girl

[thr1986]

I'm a 30 yr old guy. Three years ago I lived in New York City and I met a girl we started going on dates right away. We went out together every weekend for about a month. At that point, about a month into the relationship, she began getting very frustrated with me over small things. Getting abnormally mad. Something was off- so I asked her about it. She told me she was bipolar, her father is also bipolar. She is medicated. At this point I kind of backed off. We still talked all the time via text or phone but we stopped going out on dates. She expressed a desire to date me and I just told her I was not looking for a relationship at the time. We had a wonderful connection though as far as us communicating. One year into this relationship of us basically being good friends but her having a desire deep down to date me- my company transferred me to Florida so I moved. She was very upset. But we continued to talk. Now I've been in Florida almost two years. We still text almost every day just as friends. We both have dates other people. She has always told me she loves me and I've never said it back to her. She always says it doesn't matter that I don't say it back because she just wants to tell me how she feels.

 

Her and I discussed me coming back up to New York to visit her for a weekend. About 6 weeks ago I did. We had a great weekend together. But she started acting a little crazy on Saturday night. We were drinking. She started crying and kind of having a tantrum. We went to sleep and it passed.

 

After I left New York to come back home (about six weeks ago) we started talking a lot more. Her telling me she loved me and that I was "the one" and that I was her soul mate- etc

 

Deep down I knew I loved her. I told her how I feel two weeks ago. I told her I love her and that I always have and I'm sorry for not saying it sooner. We are talking about me moving back up to NYC again and being together.

 

ODDLY- after I told her how I really feel she has been distant. Not texting me as much. Being unavailable often. Not answering calls. I've been in a long distance relationship before and we texted each other in the morning when we woke up and would communicate throughout the day. She never texts me in the morning. Today I texted her good morning and told her I loved her. She just responded "you too, this is a great way to start my day"

 

Why you too? That's odd right? So I responded-

 

"You too?" She said "I (heart emoticon) you"

 

It's like she's suddenly different. Can someone share thoughts and help me with this?

 

How should I handle this? Should I call her out on it and find out if something is wrong? Or is that going to be a turn off?

[BaileyB]

I don't really know how to your questions, because when I read your post all I can think is that you are heading towards a life filled with drama and a very unhealthy relationship. I'm not really sure why you would chose this for yourself. But, I hope it works out for you.

[carhill]

Expect the unexpected and don't dwell on it.

 

Since this is a LDR, don't be surprised if she disappears without apparent reason or notice.

 

The mania phase can be kinda intoxicating; it's that way for others too. That can be a real boundary issue.

 

Good luck!

[thr1986]

I don't know anything about how a bipolar mind works? When she says she loves me does she mean it like I do when I say I love her? I'm a totally healthy young professional. Healthy mental state. I just don't want to get hurt. Is a bipolar person prone to feel madly in love and then totally hate you another day because of something they're upset with you about?

 

Her father was bipolar and her parents divorced.

[thr1986]

For example. If I get upset with her about something I still would love her and would not do anything to cause a lasting impact or problem to the relationship because I'm mad about something for a day.

 

Does the bipolar mind have the ability to operate that way?

 

For example- Friday night she called me. She was telling me she loved me and that she is coming to visit me in Florida for New Years. Telling me I'm cute and everything. Then Saturday morning I texted her good morning and told her I was thinking of her. She didn't answer so around 3:00 pm I called- no answer- so I left her a nice voicemail. The around 5:00 PM I text her again and she answers and said she slept all day. Then I try calling again no answer even though she just texted me. She texted again and said she was getting ready to go out and that she couldn't talk. I just have sent her so many nice things at this point in Saturday and think it's wird she's being distant. Then she texts me and tells me I'm being needy and it's unattractive.

 

So I don't really answer anymore. She knew I was going out Saturday night to a coworkers birthday. I didn't call or text her Saturday night at all. So Sunday she messages me at 1:00PM and is acusing me of hooking up with someone because I didn't call her Saturday night.

 

It's weird- I just want her love me like she said she does and act normal and talk regurarly

 

It's giving me a anxiety

[MarkIVSteel]

BPD women will push for rapid emotional attachment REALLY FAST. They try to make you feel like you're the "only one". They will pour out their heart to get you hooked. Once you respond in kind, they will have their validation and will gradually start to pull away.

 

A relationship with a BPD woman should be avoided at all cost.

 

You think that fight on the weekend was just an anomaly. Wait till you get into a full fledged relationship or worse, marriage. They will completely destroy your sanity that you will actually start to think you're the insane one.

 

There are much better and more sane women out there. Don't tie yourself down to a sick person.

 

P.S. LDR usually means you have low or no options. Date women down there in Florida.

[thr1986]

That makes sense. It was not until the last month, since I visited her that I truly started opening up to her. She has started to pull away now that I'm open and exposed to her.

 

Why does she do this?? She has been telling me for two years how she loves me and wants me and I'm the only one in the world for her. Why do they do this? Why would she make me feel needy because I'm trying to tell her I love her. She's been asking for that for so long

[thr1986]

I'm lonely in Florida. I'm a 30 year old in a retirement town. Maybe that's why I'm opening up to her now. Why would she pull away when I'm finally opening up to her this is what she has wanted for so long

 

BPD women will push for rapid emotional attachment REALLY FAST. They try to make you feel like you're the "only one". They will pour out their heart to get you hooked. Once you respond in kind, they will have their validation and will gradually start to pull away.

 

A relationship with a BPD woman should be avoided at all cost.

 

You think that fight on the weekend was just an anomaly. Wait till you get into a full fledged relationship or worse, marriage. They will completely destroy your sanity that you will actually start to think you're the insane one.

 

There are much better and more sane women out there. Don't tie yourself down to a sick person.

 

P.S. LDR usually means you have low or no options. Date women down there in Florida.

[thr1986]

Mark-

 

Thank you for your response to my post. Your input were my suspicions exactly. Do you have experience romantically with a bipolar woman? Can you elaborate some??

 

During this long distance phase I described with her- we would talk to one another about the people we would date. It always seemed like she was addicted to the chase and then when guys would commit to her and take her out and be nice to her she would start to complain to me about them. Complain that they were not paying for her or that they were too needy or whatever it may be. But while they were distant and not responding to her messages and everything then she was like obsessed with trying to get them to react to her.

 

What are your thoughts and what are your experiences with a bipolar woman if any?

 

Thank you in advance. It just helps sometimes to hear someone's input.

 

 

BPD women will push for rapid emotional attachment REALLY FAST. They try to make you feel like you're the "only one". They will pour out their heart to get you hooked. Once you respond in kind, they will have their validation and will gradually start to pull away.

 

A relationship with a BPD woman should be avoided at all cost.

 

You think that fight on the weekend was just an anomaly. Wait till you get into a full fledged relationship or worse, marriage. They will completely destroy your sanity that you will actually start to think you're the insane one.

 

There are much better and more sane women out there. Don't tie yourself down to a sick person.

 

P.S. LDR usually means you have low or no options. Date women down there in Florida.

[MarkIVSteel]

Mark-

 

Thank you for your response to my post. Your input were my suspicions exactly. Do you have experience romantically with a bipolar woman? Can you elaborate some??

 

During this long distance phase I described with her- we would talk to one another about the people we would date. It always seemed like she was addicted to the chase and then when guys would commit to her and take her out and be nice to her she would start to complain to me about them. Complain that they were not paying for her or that they were too needy or whatever it may be. But while they were distant and not responding to her messages and everything then she was like obsessed with trying to get them to react to her.

 

What are your thoughts and what are your experiences with a bipolar woman if any?

 

Thank you in advance. It just helps sometimes to hear someone's input.

 

Yes, I've been with a woman that was bipolar and it was a harrowing experience.

 

My best advice is to cut all contact from this woman and move on. Don't bother trying to understand her. All you need to know is that she is a very sick woman and she will bring you nothing other than pain and misery.

 

She will use you, extract every last resource out of you and discard you.

[thr1986]

Yes, I've been with a woman that was bipolar and it was a harrowing experience.

 

My best advice is to cut all contact from this woman and move on. Don't bother trying to understand her. All you need to know is that she is a very sick woman and she will bring you nothing other than pain and misery.

 

She will use you, extract every last resource out of you and discard you.

 

I find it odd how she begs for something for so long and I finallly open up to her. Then she takes every opportunity to act hard to get and make me chase her around and she ignores me now and is only available when she wants to be. Every weekend she goes out partying at night which is totally ok but then doesn't contact me at all all night and then is totally unreachabke the following day. Then if I bring up that she is acting odd she tries to make me feel like I'm being needy and I'm being weird and that it's unattractive. It's just cruel. 6 months ago she would never have been unavailable to me on a weekend if I messaged her she would answer because I was closed off to her.

 

It's painful actually now that I actually have allowed myself to feel for her.

[thr1986]

I find it odd how she begs for something for so long and I finallly open up to her. Then she takes every opportunity to act hard to get and make me chase her around and she ignores me now and is only available when she wants to be. Every weekend she goes out partying at night which is totally ok but then doesn't contact me at all all night and then is totally unreachabke the following day. Then if I bring up that she is acting odd she tries to make me feel like I'm being needy and I'm being weird and that it's unattractive. It's just cruel. 6 months ago she would never have been unavailable to me on a weekend if I messaged her she would answer because I was closed off to her.

 

It's painful actually now that I actually have allowed myself to feel for her.

 

Like this morning when I said good morning I love you and she answers by saying "you too"

 

Why can't she just say I love you too and be normal

[Downtown]

THR, you are describing behavior that sounds emotionally unstable-- e.g., your GF's rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. Significantly, the two main causes of emotional instability are a strong hormone change (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. But you do not mention either of these two factors being a serious problem. Hence, if those two causes can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes of instability are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

She told me she was bipolar.

Perhaps she does suffer from bipolar. Yet, if she has suffered a bipolar episode in the past year, there is a 47% chance she also suffers from BPD if she has bipolar-1. And there is a 36% chance of her also suffering from BPD is she has bipolar-2. (See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.) I mention these high risks for also having BPD because, whereas bipolar disorder oftentimes can be controlled quite well by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be treated with medication. BPD thus can be far harder to manage.

 

Is a bipolar person prone to feel madly in love and then totally hate you another day because of something they're upset with you about?

That behavior is possible with bipolar but unlikely. Because bipolar is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry, a mood change generally does not occur overnight. Typically, a bipolar mood change takes two weeks to develop, lasts for several weeks, and then takes several more weeks to fade away. Most bipolar sufferers experience only one or two mood changes a year. Indeed, if the mood changes occur as frequently as four times a year, they are called "rapid cycling."

 

In contrast, a BPD mood change typically occurs in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only a few seconds. This sudden BPD mood flip is not caused by a body chemistry change but, rather, by the BPDer's overreaction to some minor thing that has been said or done. This is why BPD mood flips are said to be "event triggered." Hence, your description of a woman who adores you during the night and suddenly flips to hating you the next morning is a red flag for BPD, not bipolar.

 

Granted, anything is possible. Specifically, it is possible for bipolar mood changes to be exhibited in an ultra-rapid cycle, where they can change in a single day -- or even several times in one day. Such ultra-rapid cycles are rare, however. Moreover, they tend to occur when a bipolar sufferer is so severely manic that he is transitioning into a psychotic state. With my bipolar foster son, for example, the only times I ever saw ultra-rapid cycling was on those rare days when he was slipping into psychosis.

 

If you are interested, I describe the basic differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences . If that description of BPD behaviors seems relevant when you read it, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs for bipolar and BPD will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for bipolar and BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, THR.

[thr1986]

Downtown-

 

This is extremely helpful. Is there any way we could chat so I could describe a couple of examples and get your insight? It would really help me if that could be arranged. I really appreciate your help.

 

 

THR, you are describing behavior that sounds emotionally unstable-- e.g., your GF's rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. Significantly, the two main causes of emotional instability are a strong hormone change (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. But you do not mention either of these two factors being a serious problem. Hence, if those two causes can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes of instability are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Perhaps she does suffer from bipolar. Yet, if she has suffered a bipolar episode in the past year, there is a 47% chance she also suffers from BPD if she has bipolar-1. And there is a 36% chance of her also suffering from BPD is she has bipolar-2. (See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.) I mention these high risks for also having BPD because, whereas bipolar disorder oftentimes can be controlled quite well by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be treated with medication. BPD thus can be far harder to manage.

 

That behavior is possible with bipolar but unlikely. Because bipolar is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry, a mood change generally does not occur overnight. Typically, a bipolar mood change takes two weeks to develop, lasts for several weeks, and then takes several more weeks to fade away. Most bipolar sufferers experience only one or two mood changes a year. Indeed, if the mood changes occur as frequently as four times a year, they are called "rapid cycling."

 

In contrast, a BPD mood change typically occurs in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only a few seconds. This sudden BPD mood flip is not caused by a body chemistry change but, rather, by the BPDer's overreaction to some minor thing that has been said or done. This is why BPD mood flips are said to be "event triggered." Hence, your description of a woman who adores you during the night and suddenly flips to hating you the next morning is a red flag for BPD, not bipolar.

 

Granted, anything is possible. Specifically, it is possible for bipolar mood changes to be exhibited in an ultra-rapid cycle, where they can change in a single day -- or even several times in one day. Such ultra-rapid cycles are rare, however. Moreover, they tend to occur when a bipolar sufferer is so severely manic that he is transitioning into a psychotic state. With my bipolar foster son, for example, the only times I ever saw ultra-rapid cycling was on those rare days when he was slipping into psychosis.

 

If you are interested, I describe the basic differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences . If that description of BPD behaviors seems relevant when you read it, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs for bipolar and BPD will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for bipolar and BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, THR.

[Downtown]

THR, please check your LS private messages. I responded to your request with a message I sent four days ago.

[EveryWomanJ2911]

It sounds like this is a good time to re-evaluate the relationship and really consider whether going forward is the best choice any longer. It sounds like you already have your doubts about this woman, her motives, and her ability to be in a relationship successfully. With so many misgivings, it might be best to cool things down, and take some time to process so you can make a healthy decision for yourself. If you do end up researching more about bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, remember that without a diagnosis from a doctor for this woman, you can't be sure that her mood swings aren't simply unhealthy behaviors that have been learned from her family of origin, or possibly substance abuse. (You mentioned that she parties every weekend, and alcohol mixed with depression can manifest itself in extreme mood swings daily.)

 

Whatever you do, please don't make any rash decisions about your life for her just yet. Make the decision to live and work where you are best fitted to, and proceed with wisdom and a good dose of caution here. If she isn't a good option for a healthy relationship, then make a clean break. If she turns out to still be an option for you, then learn everything you can about her mood swings to find out if its as simple as an insecurity/attention issue, or if its a serious diagnosed disorder that you need to get educated on. Go into the future with eyes wide open, and then weigh your relationship goals with reality CAREFULLY friend.

 

Blessings and Peace!

Edited November 17, 2016 by EveryWomanJ2911

[thr1986]

Yes, I've been with a woman that was bipolar and it was a harrowing experience.

 

My best advice is to cut all contact from this woman and move on. Don't bother trying to understand her. All you need to know is that she is a very sick woman and she will bring you nothing other than pain and misery.

 

She will use you, extract every last resource out of you and discard you.

 

Mark-

 

You referred to the woman you dated as having BPD. Do you mean bipolar or borderline personality disorder?

[Chris516]

BPD women will push for rapid emotional attachment REALLY FAST. They try to make you feel like you're the "only one". They will pour out their heart to get you hooked. Once you respond in kind, they will have their validation and will gradually start to pull away.

 

A relationship with a BPD woman should be avoided at all cost.

 

You think that fight on the weekend was just an anomaly. Wait till you get into a full fledged relationship or worse, marriage. They will completely destroy your sanity that you will actually start to think you're the insane one.

 

There are much better and more sane women out there. Don't tie yourself down to a sick person.

 

P.S. LDR usually means you have low or no options. Date women down there in Florida.

I am 50/50 about this.

 

The part about emotional attachment is spot-on.

 

The part about avoiding, I disagree with.

 

I was married for 8yrs. to a developmentally-disabled woman who, could not handle responsibility of any kind, including caring about anyone when their life is at risk. She knew about my physical health issues, before we got married(her dad even asked her before she walked down the aisle at the church, if she wanted to get married to me). But when I had a seizure in bed, she ran out of the bedroom. I haven't spoken to, or seen her. Since the divorce in 2000, that I initiated.

 

Nov.'02-Jan.'02, I was engaged to a woman that was clinically diagnosed years before, as being Bi-Polar II. When I had two seizures during the relationship, she promptly called 911 for me. She was also far more loving than my (ex)wife. We went out to eat, quite a lot. We also went to see ALABAMA on the initial farewell tour. We also saw comedians Larry The Cable Guy, Ron White, and Bill Engvall. So we had a lot of fun together(at least I remember it as that).

 

She was emotionally abusive but, when remembering my (ex)wife's behavior. My (ex)fiance didn't come close to the way my (ex)wife was. There were times where she would 'bug out', in public. But I wouldn't let her walk all over me emotionally. So, I loved her, while I wouldn't let her get away with her behavior.

 

She had a lot of health problems while we were together. I was constantly fighting for her life.

 

I recently started a new relationship with another woman that is Bi-Polar II. We are taking it slow.

 

Everyone deserves to be loved. It is just tougher to love some people.