I'm lost

[Somedaymaybe81]

Hi. I just found this site and I'm glad I did. Here is my story.

 

I met this guy at work last year and he was so nice. I never meant to fall for him or for him to fall for me. I've never been involved in anything like this before. We got to know each other pretty well and started secretly chatting on a private chat. Things happened really fast. He was so perfect and we meshed on every level imaginable (sexually, but mostly emotionally). We were very careful not to chat when our spouses were home only at work.

 

We would meet once a week and mostly just kiss, talk etc. We loved being in each other's company. He understood me and I understood him. We would talk about our marriage problems, kids etc. He promised me he would never do me wrong and would always be there for me no matter what. He's just an amazing guy.

 

Fast forward 8 months. He told me he loved me. Told me he didn't want it to happen it was wrong but I was his best friend and it just happened. I said it back because I really felt it. I whole heartedly felt it.

 

We talked on the phone once in a while but always blocked our numbers. Well my husband got into my phone records (he's very paranoid I get a lot of attention from men) and saw the calls. Apparently the blocking didn't work. My husband messaged him and told him he was going to tell his wife. My AF asked him not to get her involved we were just very good friends and that was it. My husband decided not to involve her.

 

The next day I woke up and he disappeared. He blocked me on all social media, deleted me and blocked me from our private chat and is not avoiding me at work. He won't even look at me. How can he do this when two weeks prior he told me he loved me? Told me he'd never hurt me or let me down? What I'm seeing is not the guy I knew. He could of told me on our private what he couldn't do it anymore it was too risky, but instead he ran. I'm just so confused on how he can do this after everything we had been through and said.

 

We only had sex twice, he never pushed for it he was more interested in my feelings and making me feel amazing. Would leave me little notes telling me I was beautiful, I looked amazing etc.

 

It's been 3 weeks and nothing from him. I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep thinking maybe he will come back, but after he acted this way I'm not sure I would want that

 

I should also add my husband is very emotionally abusive, and holds affection from me when I don't clean, cook or do all the right things. I think that's why I fell so hard for this guy, he was so sweet and nice and gave me everything I didn't have at home.

 

Can someone who's been through it shed some insite on how he can just leave like that? Do you think he will come back?

 

Thank you

[Friskyone4u]

If you're smart you will decide if you want to be married ny more instead of worrying about why some guy used you for sex ( yes thats right cupcake). You were played and yup his wife and family mean more to you.

 

So my guess is you better close down your little private chat site and try to either make amends with your husband or divorce him because if he catches you at it again you may not have that choice

[HeCantBreakMe]

I would say start by reading stories on this board. You will start to see a pattern with affairs and with MM in these affairs. You both got caught up in the intensity of the affair and the emotion it caused. Was it love- probably but it was more limerence then anything real. If you do not know much about limerence then start googling and listening to podcasts.

 

You both were connecting emotionally and finding something within each other you were not getting at home. You emotionally, and for him it was more than likely a mix between the sex and the thrill of feeling alive and wanted. These types of emotions can be addicting and the feelings you get are very close to what a drug addict feels. You MUST have this person, you cannot live without this person, you cannot imagine your life without this person, you will do anything to be with this person/ etc. Just substitute drug for person in what i just said.

 

Affairs are fueled by secrecy and by fear. Once both of those are gone the thrill of the affair is also gone. This is what happened with your MM- it was no longer secret and there was fear but this time it was fear of losing his wife and family.

 

His actions are telling you more than his words ever could. He is choosing his wife- regardless of what he said he chooses her. Watch his actions rather than listen to his words. Anything can be spoken in an affair- and it typically is to keep the affair alive. But once reality starts busting the affair bubble - that is when people start showing their true colors.

 

Will he be back- maybe but you need to start figuring out what you want with your life. If you are not happy in your marriage then walk away, but if your MM does come back and you go back into this affair you are asking for more pain then if you choose to walk away now.

 

Good luck- again start reading these stories here.

[eye of the storm]

I always love posts where people say they are having an A because their spouse is XYZ. If your spouse is that bad, divorce them.

 

Tip for your next A. Blocking only works on the phone. Phone records will still show. So use a VOIP app. Then it only shows data usage.

 

It is so easy to only show your best side in an A. You don't live with them. You don't pay bills with them. They don't trash your kitchen when making a sandwich. You are only with them a short time so no stress and only the company face. It just is all part of the fantasy.

 

As soon as your H contacted him, fantasy over. And it will stay over for him I bet. You are dangerous since he knows your H is a talented snooper.

 

Speaking of your H, he isn't paranoid. Paranoid would be snooping on a faithful wife.

 

Normally I am not this catty but your entire post is just so entitled.

[ChickiePops]

Either he got caught or he started to feel guilty. Either way he's chosen his marriage and you've been ghosted/dumped.

 

As the posters above me have said, now would be a good time to figure out what you're doing with your own life. Why stay in what you call an abusive marriage? Why not leave your husband and find a SINGLE man who you don't have to sneak around with?

[stillafool]

He knew by telling you he loved you it would make you feel all warm and fuzzy and ultimately make the sex more intense. It worked. If your husband is abusive definitely seek divorce and then be open for the man of your dreams.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi. I just found this site and I'm glad I did. Here is my story.

 

I met this guy at work last year and he was so nice. I never meant to fall for him or for him to fall for me. I've never been involved in anything like this before. We got to know each other pretty well and started secretly chatting on a private chat. Things happened really fast. He was so perfect and we meshed on every level imaginable (sexually, but mostly emotionally). We were very careful not to chat when our spouses were home only at work.

 

We would meet once a week and mostly just kiss, talk etc. We loved being in each other's company. He understood me and I understood him. We would talk about our marriage problems, kids etc. He promised me he would never do me wrong and would always be there for me no matter what. He's just an amazing guy.

 

Fast forward 8 months. He told me he loved me. Told me he didn't want it to happen it was wrong but I was his best friend and it just happened. I said it back because I really felt it. I whole heartedly felt it.

 

We talked on the phone once in a while but always blocked our numbers. Well my husband got into my phone records (he's very paranoid I get a lot of attention from men) and saw the calls. Apparently the blocking didn't work. My husband messaged him and told him he was going to tell his wife. My AF asked him not to get her involved we were just very good friends and that was it. My husband decided not to involve her.

 

The next day I woke up and he disappeared. He blocked me on all social media, deleted me and blocked me from our private chat and is not avoiding me at work. He won't even look at me. How can he do this when two weeks prior he told me he loved me? Told me he'd never hurt me or let me down? What I'm seeing is not the guy I knew. He could of told me on our private what he couldn't do it anymore it was too risky, but instead he ran. I'm just so confused on how he can do this after everything we had been through and said.

 

We only had sex twice, he never pushed for it he was more interested in my feelings and making me feel amazing. Would leave me little notes telling me I was beautiful, I looked amazing etc.

 

It's been 3 weeks and nothing from him. I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep thinking maybe he will come back, but after he acted this way I'm not sure I would want that

 

I should also add my husband is very emotionally abusive, and holds affection from me when I don't clean, cook or do all the right things. I think that's why I fell so hard for this guy, he was so sweet and nice and gave me everything I didn't have at home.

 

Can someone who's been through it shed some insite on how he can just leave like that? Do you think he will come back?

 

Thank you

 

It's like I wrote this except the husband part since I am messy and don't cook.

 

Welcome. I am sorry for your pain. This happens all the time, the married guys freaks out and ghosts the other woman. It is very typical behavior. I am familiar with it, it's all over the board here.

 

They usually come back, but then they do it all again. I know it kills but you should really listen here and grieve it's ending but don't contact him. Eventually he will be back and you need to be ready to put your high heel up his butt as you kick him to the curb.

[Somedaymaybe81]

Eye of the storm- I didn't mean to come off entitled. I'm certainly not like that at all. I apologize if my post sounded that way. Just trying to get some insite from people who have been through it.

[Somedaymaybe81]

If you're smart you will decide if you want to be married ny more instead of worrying about why some guy used you for sex ( yes thats right cupcake). You were played and yup his wife and family mean more to you.

 

So my guess is you better close down your little private chat site and try to either make amends with your husband or divorce him because if he catches you at it again you may not have that choice

 

I do want to stay married more. I've tried and tried for years to please him and it's never good enough. I never EVER saw my self doing this, or letting myself be swooped up by another man. But that's exactly what happened. I fell for every word. I didn't think anyone (especially him) could be so cruel. Just trying to understand it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Eye of the storm- I didn't mean to come off entitled. I'm certainly not like that at all. I apologize if my post sounded that way. Just trying to get some insite from people who have been through it.

 

No one thinks you are entitled. We have just lived your life. For me it was a 5 month affair and he dropped me a year ago when his wife was told (he told her) and I died, I literally died. He said all the same crap, loved you for years, blah blah blah. He ignored me for 5 months and then he came back around for a few months, it was on and off ignoring me. I never got back in the affair but a lot do. It's exhausting and will destroy your life.

[Satu]

Unfaithful married men are amazingly at two things:

 

 

1. Constructing lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Take care.

[Somedaymaybe81]

It's like I wrote this except the husband part since I am messy and don't cook.

 

Welcome. I am sorry for your pain. This happens all the time, the married guys freaks out and ghosts the other woman. It is very typical behavior. I am familiar with it, it's all over the board here.

 

They usually come back, but then they do it all again. I know it kills but you should really listen here and grieve it's ending but don't contact him. Eventually he will be back and you need to be ready to put your high heel up his butt as you kick him to the curb.

 

Thank you for your kind words. The more I read, the more I'm seeing this is typical behavior. I refuse to contact him. I have many ways to get ahold of him but I won't. He knows many ways to get ahold of me that are safe if he wants to talk.

[Somedaymaybe81]

Unfaithful married men are amazingly at two things:

 

 

1. Constructing lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Take care.

 

Now that I'm starting to come out of the fog I'm seeeing this. I've been to counseling since I was a teenager for an anxiety disorder. She told me I was an empath. I give everything I have who people who have nothing, I only see the good in people and not the bad. I guess I was the perfect victim for this..and also why I can't even imagine walking away without at least closure. I don't know how he can live with himself. But I guess not everyone has the same feelings as I do.

[Somedaymaybe81]

No one thinks you are entitled. We have just lived your life. For me it was a 5 month affair and he dropped me a year ago when his wife was told (he told her) and I died, I literally died. He said all the same crap, loved you for years, blah blah blah. He ignored me for 5 months and then he came back around for a few months, it was on and off ignoring me. I never got back in the affair but a lot do. It's exhausting and will destroy your life.

 

It is extremely exhausting. My plan is to never let him back into my life. I hope I can stick to it.

[ChickiePops]

No one thinks you are entitled. We have just lived your life. For me it was a 5 month affair and he dropped me a year ago when his wife was told (he told her) and I died, I literally died. He said all the same crap, loved you for years, blah blah blah. He ignored me for 5 months and then he came back around for a few months, it was on and off ignoring me. I never got back in the affair but a lot do. It's exhausting and will destroy your life.

 

Anyone who has an affair feels entitled. Married people feel entitled to do whatever they want despite who it hurts..and a lot of the time they try to blame the BS for it when really, the BS can be blamed for whatever issues there are in the relationship, but not for the affair. And single people feel entitled to insert themselves into a 2-person relationship after only being invited in by 1 of those people.

 

You cannot enter into an affair from either side without feeling some kind of sense of entitlement..it's just not possible.

 

Being in an abusive marriage sucks. But it does not entitle someone to cheat.

 

Being flirted with and seduced by a married person is tempting, but it does not entitle you to be a third party in a two person marriage.

[Satu]

I'm very sensitive and empathic, and until I learned to set boundaries, it was as much a curse as a blessing.

 

There is a book I'd like to recommend to you:

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self Paperback – 1 Jul 1993

by Charles L. Whitfield.

 

Publisher: Health Communications; First Edition edition (1 July 1993)

 

ISBN-10: 155874259X

ISBN-13: 978-1558742598

 

"More than personal boundaries, this book is really about relationships--healthy and unhealthy ones. Here bestselling author and psychotherapist Charles Whitfield blends theories and dynamics from several disciplines into practical knowledge and actions that your can use in your relationships right now.

 

This comprehensive book opens with clear definitions and descriptions of boundaries, a self-assessment survey and a history of our accumulated knowledge. Going deeper, it describes the 10 essential areas of human interaction wherein you can improve your relationships. These include age regression, giving and receiving (projection and projective identification), triangles, core recovery issues, basic dynamics, unfinished business and spirituality. It shows in countless practical ways how knowledge of each of these is most useful in your recovery and everyday life."

 

 

Take care.

[malvern99]

So the question is what do you plan to do? I'm not quite sure whether you want to leave your marriage or not. Are you planning on continuing the affair? Are you planning on coming clean to your BH? Did he believe the just friends lie? It's likely driving him crazy. What are you looking for on this forum? Good luck.

[Forever broken]

Welcome to loveshack.org. We are all from different part of the world but with similar stories. It's gonna get better with time. It won't be an easy journey, but I know you will survive.

 

No matter how you are feeling, refrain from ever contacting him. Just remember how bitter the end part was when you think about him.

[eye of the storm]

My plan is to never let him back into my life. I hope I can stick to it.

Plan, then take action. Block him. It sucks but that is the best way. Don't let it be his choice. Let it be yours.

 

I do want to stay married more. I've tried and tried for years to please him and it's never good enough.

Why do you want to stay married to someone that you cannot please who is never happy with you. Why do you want to stay in that kind of situation? And if you do want to stay married then why is your post more about being upset that the AP has dropped you and not that your BS found out his W is cheating on him.

 

I never EVER saw my self doing this, or letting myself be swooped up by another man. But that's exactly what happened. I fell for every word.

And you were not swooped up by another man. You made a conscious choice. Acting like this was all out of your control make you sound like a victim. You aren't. Own your actions. Accept that you chose this.

 

I didn't think anyone (especially him) could be so cruel. Just trying to understand it.

And the MM isn't being cruel to you. He is trying to keep your H from calling his W.

 

So what actions are you going to take to either work on your M (and I personally wouldn't want to stay if he is like you stated) or to get out. You have to admit that there are some big issues. If you were truly happy in your M, you would not be needing to look for an AP to fill in the gaps.

 

I recommend you stop looking at your H or your AP. And start looking at you. Where do you want to be? Work on you.

 

I hope things work out for you

[aileD]

blocked me on all social media, deleted me and blocked me from our private chat and is not avoiding me at work. He won't even look at me. How can he do this when two weeks prior he told me he loved me? Told me he'd never hurt me or let me down?

 

Because the truth came out when your husband threatened to out him to his wife.

 

If he did love you and didn't want to hurt you or let you down he would have said to your husband "good!! Tell my wife! I love Your wife and I'm running away with her"

 

You were lied to for sex honey. I'm sorry. Don't fall for it again

[HeCantBreakMe]

I do want to stay married more. I've tried and tried for years to please him and it's never good enough. I never EVER saw my self doing this, or letting myself be swooped up by another man. But that's exactly what happened. I fell for every word. I didn't think anyone (especially him) could be so cruel. Just trying to understand it.

 

I have seen some cruel MM on here and you haven't said anything that qualifies him as being cruel. You both got caught up in something you never should have gotten caught up in- you each fed the flames of the affair by saying things you may or may not have followed through with. You were caught, he got scared, and now he is gone back into his marriage. He is choosing his wife- he doesn't owe you anything. You knew he was married when you got into the affair... It doesn't stop the hurt- this I get, but sometimes it is easier to see them as these cruel heartless bastards then to look in the mirror and realize we were acting like scum right along with them - because we wanted to continue and get our fix no matter who we walked on.

 

I am 10 weeks out post D-day and i do not envy the place you are. Your path isn't going to be easy - you have some dark days ahead- but how you walk them is your choice. You can hide your head in the sand and try to run back to MM or you can start doing some digging to figure out the whys, the truths, the lies, and use that to figure out who you want to be and where you want to go because of this.

[ChickiePops]

Also..saying that you were 'swooped up' implies that you take zero responsibility for your actions. You are equally guilty here and what you did was equally terrible. You are no better than MM.

[Somedaymaybe81]

I'm very sensitive and empathic, and until I learned to set boundaries, it was as much a curse as a blessing.

 

There is a book I'd like to recommend to you:

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self Paperback – 1 Jul 1993

by Charles L. Whitfield.

 

Publisher: Health Communications; First Edition edition (1 July 1993)

 

ISBN-10: 155874259X

ISBN-13: 978-1558742598

 

"More than personal boundaries, this book is really about relationships--healthy and unhealthy ones. Here bestselling author and psychotherapist Charles Whitfield blends theories and dynamics from several disciplines into practical knowledge and actions that your can use in your relationships right now.

 

This comprehensive book opens with clear definitions and descriptions of boundaries, a self-assessment survey and a history of our accumulated knowledge. Going deeper, it describes the 10 essential areas of human interaction wherein you can improve your relationships. These include age regression, giving and receiving (projection and projective identification), triangles, core recovery issues, basic dynamics, unfinished business and spirituality. It shows in countless practical ways how knowledge of each of these is most useful in your recovery and everyday life."

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you. I'll look into it.

[Somedaymaybe81]

So the question is what do you plan to do? I'm not quite sure whether you want to leave your marriage or not. Are you planning on continuing the affair? Are you planning on coming clean to your BH? Did he believe the just friends lie? It's likely driving him crazy. What are you looking for on this forum? Good luck.

 

I would like to stay in my marriage. We're starting counseling. . He has got to change or I'm going to leave. I don't plan on continuing the affair (but if he comes back it's going to be hard not too, just being honest) My H did believe the friends lie, but yes driving him crazy. What I'm looking for is help on not continuing and never getting back into another one. The thrill at the time was so addicting and I miss it.

[Somedaymaybe81]

Because the truth came out when your husband threatened to out him to his wife.

 

If he did love you and didn't want to hurt you or let you down he would have said to your husband "good!! Tell my wife! I love Your wife and I'm running away with her"

 

You were lied to for sex honey. I'm sorry. Don't fall for it again

 

Your right. And he didn't say any of that. He ran.