Grey Cloud Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 To feel better and heal you must leave your job. Seeing him everyday is a reminder of what you used to have and a reminder of what it is like now. You are wasting so much emotional energy having to pretend he doesn't exist when inside you are torn in knots. My xMM left our workplace 9 months ago. I cannot tell you how much healing has happened since then - not having to see him everyday. He is no longer a part of my life and I am no longer a part of his. And yet, if you had spoken to me 9 months ago I was a complete mess and falling apart at the thought of not ever seeing him again. I would still be stuck in that same horrible place if we still worked together. I still have moments when I miss his friendship. But now the whole thing seems surreal. Most of the time I just shake my head and wonder what the hell was I thinking! He is becoming a distant memory, someone I used to know rather than him being the centre of my universe as he was once was. For your own recovery you must move on including physically removing yourself from him. Then there is no more worry, no more wondering why, no more having to be hyper vigilant and question if he is taunting you. The whole thing goes away in time. But it won't if you continue to see him every day and still have feelings for him - even if you are in NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Somedaymaybe81 Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 I assume he is married. He will be back once he stops being afraid your husband will tell his wife. And then when you get caught, or he gets caught, he will ignore you again. Then he will be back and the cycle will continue. I know this because I lived it and it's played out all over this board. I am sorry for your pain. He is NOT a friend though. I realize you don't feel like that and I have been where you are. My advice is to look for a new job unless you can magically feel better. Or when he comes back, kick him to the curb. That will make you feel better. Your right. A friend wouldn't just disappear and never look back. I don't feel like he will come back. My heart is hoping he will, my head says stay the hell away I'm better than this. The whole thing with my job is I went back to school to get this job, it's very very difficult to get. I just started last November and I can't throw it all away because of him..I'm finally making an excellant income and in my area that's not easy. I'm hoping to find a way to cope and not throw everything away I worked so hard for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Somedaymaybe81 Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 I suggest go to IC/MC on your own and develop ideas for what you want and how to get them. Discuss how to handle passive/aggressive personalities. Understand when he demeans you it is out of fear you will leave him because he is not good enough for you. The lower he can cause you to believe in your self worth the safer he feels. In short he will destroy you if left unchecked. I have been going to IC for years for my anxiety issues. She is trying to help me through this but I don't feel like I'm getting much out of it We start marriage counseling next month. I agree 100% with you that he tries to bring me down so he feels safer. I was always thin but I have lost so much more weight over the stress of all of this. Me looking better hasn't helped H feel any more secure..its almost like it's making it worse because I feel more confident. I just wish this rut would end. And the fact that I'm in this situation in the first place is 100% my fault doesn't make it any easier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 you are Married, time for introspection:cool: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Someday, when an A ends there are benefits and drawbacks on the hows. For you, you didn't end it. It wasn't your choice. Your H got involved and spooked your AP. Maybe try to turn you way of thinking into how this is a good thing. It ended before you were ready but its a good thing. Now you can work on your M (either fixing it or getting out of it) without the added confusion of the A. As to why the MM is inserting himself into your space at work. He is doing that because he can tell it bothers you. Its an ego boost to him. Just like your A was. Keep ignoring him and eventually he will get bored and wonder off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 These men never leave your life voluntarily. They go into low-impact mode, waiting for an opportunity, and when they see one, they pounce. You have to have very strong boundaries, and a lot of determination to completely eject them. If it's at all possible, find a new job. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 I have been going to IC for years for my anxiety issues. She is trying to help me through this but I don't feel like I'm getting much out of it We start marriage counseling next month. I agree 100% with you that he tries to bring me down so he feels safer. I was always thin but I have lost so much more weight over the stress of all of this. Me looking better hasn't helped H feel any more secure..its almost like it's making it worse because I feel more confident. I just wish this rut would end. And the fact that I'm in this situation in the first place is 100% my fault doesn't make it any easier. Quick background. My H cheated on me, I had some issues with depression and anxiety and has trouble working and being in a funk and feeling hopeless and stuck. Better now that the affair has ended about 3 months ago but still dealing with sadness sometimes and we are dealing with reconciliation and all that. But anyway-- had to get my medical records from my IC. My diagnosis was "adjustment disorder with depression/anxiety" Talked to her a bit and did some research on adjustment disorder. Basically it's when you have trouble dealing with a stressor in your life. To an extent that is abnormal for what the event was. The key to getting through this. Is to get the stressor out of your life. And to have distance from it. And most people improve within six months of freedom from the stressor. I went through a year of this while my husband was in his affair. But it's been three months since that stress or has left my life and I can feel improvement. The reason why you can't get past this is because you have to see him every day. Or every day that you're at work. There is no way for you to get distance or time to heal when you are faced with the stressor, who is him, every day. You're going to need to get away from him. If you can't get through it yourself while working there, for your own mental health you may need to leave that job 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 It does get a bit easier over the course of time and a lot of work on your part. You need to go to counseling if you haven't started already- your counselor will give you a lot of techniques to help you move forward and start understanding why you chose an affair over working on your marriage. There are things you can start doing for yourself including studying affairs, listening to podcasts on limerence, and reading Not Just Friends. You need to do a lot of self exploration and start being honest with yourself on why you chose this path. Affairs will suck the life out of you and tarnish your soul but you can come back from this and be a better person because of it- but this is your choice and your dedication to doing the work. 9 times out of 10 you cannot heal and move forward with your life while still working with your xMM. You still have strong feelings for him and eventually one of you will break and due to the nature of affairs and the feelings involved will drag the other back into the affair. Do not for one second think you are strong enough to be around him and be okay no matter how far you come in your own healing- because you will only be fooling yourself. I can attest to this due to my own experience and from reading this board. Someone who is truly strong is smart enough to admit their weakness and it is okay to admit that MM is your weakness. My other piece of advice is to figure out your marriage- if you want to stay married you need to own up to this affair. If you want to get a divorce then start moving in that direction if you are in limbo - I suggest telling your husband the truth. It isn't easy, trust me, but it is the right thing to do. I saw my xMM the other day and our year long affair ended about 3 months ago and his wife doesn't know the truth- the enormity of the lie is starting to take a toll on him. He looks like a man who is being eaten from the inside out because 1) he is scared every day his wife will find out the truth and 2) no matter who you are unless you are a true sociopath it is very difficult to live with a lie like this and look your partner in the eye ever day holding something like this inside. Good luck OP . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ana889 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 This is only my first week NC and I'm already losing it... I let my whole sex life evolve around him,so every single time he'd pop up when i'd like to relax. I know how frustrating it is, but I'm guessing it can only be truly overcome when you get to meet someone better than him who will put him back into the shadows. someone you'll be attracted to but who will treat you like his queen in an honest way Stay brave and never let yourself down Link to post Share on other sites
Midlifecrisis1 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 This is only my first week NC and I'm already losing it... I let my whole sex life evolve around him,so every single time he'd pop up when i'd like to relax. I know how frustrating it is, but I'm guessing it can only be truly overcome when you get to meet someone better than him who will put him back into the shadows. someone you'll be attracted to but who will treat you like his queen in an honest way Stay brave and never let yourself down um...she is married though Link to post Share on other sites
ana889 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 um...she is married though I don't see a marriage as a holy grail. if she's unsatisfied it's time to move on. i personally wouldn't like to try to fix things with my husband(if i was married) after having a serious affair,because there was obviously a reason why that happened Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 OP HeCan'tBrakeME really understands what she I talking about. She has really been though the ringer. OP, you have to decide what you want out of life first, your OM is frankly a puss for running away that way. Is he married? If he loved you and really wanted to be with you he would have stayed and fought for you. If he is married, he will not leave his wife. I know all of this is hard to hear. But more that likely you will never be with your OM, no matter how much you think you loved him. We could go on and on about this, but just take my word for it, I know a thing or to about OM and affairs. What you have to do is take a breath, and breath though the pain and get your head together. Over time, the pain will subside and you will start to move through it. The bigger issue is, and will continue to be, do you want to say in your marriage. You don't have to decide now, but as you work through the pain of the affair, it needs to be one of the primary things to consider. You will not always feel this bad. It will get better over time, I promise you that. To HCBM, Girl you have come so far. It is hard to believe you have gotten where you are at in such a short time. I am so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. Take care... Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 I don't see a marriage as a holy grail. if she's unsatisfied it's time to move on. i personally wouldn't like to try to fix things with my husband(if i was married) after having a serious affair,because there was obviously a reason why that happened Advice like this never ceases to amaze me. Wife has affair, gets caught, and this advice is since OM isn't behaving properly just start another affair with a new OM since if something is wrong in a marriage that CONTRIBUTE to an affair the answer is more affairs, not trying to fix the problem. Unbelievable. Pity the poor guy who marries this one 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 OP HeCan'tBrakeME really understands what she I talking about. She has really been though the ringer. OP, you have to decide what you want out of life first, your OM is frankly a puss for running away that way. Is he married? If he loved you and really wanted to be with you he would have stayed and fought for you. If he is married, he will not leave his wife. I know all of this is hard to hear. But more that likely you will never be with your OM, no matter how much you think you loved him. We could go on and on about this, but just take my word for it, I know a thing or to about OM and affairs. What you have to do is take a breath, and breath though the pain and get your head together. Over time, the pain will subside and you will start to move through it. The bigger issue is, and will continue to be, do you want to say in your marriage. You don't have to decide now, but as you work through the pain of the affair, it needs to be one of the primary things to consider. You will not always feel this bad. It will get better over time, I promise you that. To HCBM, Girl you have come so far. It is hard to believe you have gotten where you are at in such a short time. I am so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. Take care... Thanks Blue but honestly it is 10 steps forward 12 steps back-eventually you get somewhere. I have not gotten where i want to go and have slid back a bit over the past week or so. I am also still not sure if my marriage is going to make it or if i want it to. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Advice like this never ceases to amaze me. Wife has affair, gets caught, and this advice is since OM isn't behaving properly just start another affair with a new OM since if something is wrong in a marriage that CONTRIBUTE to an affair the answer is more affairs, not trying to fix the problem. Unbelievable. Pity the poor guy who marries this one I think Ana means she should leave the marriage and go look for real happiness elsewhere with someone else, NOT that she acquire another OM.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Someday, you mentioned you have been in IC for years abs the therapist has been trying to help you. Have you determined the root of the problem causing you to stall? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Somedaymaybe81 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 I just got called in tomorrow to work in his office. Sharing a desk. It's been 6 weeks 3 days NC (his choice). Normally when I see him I look straight ahead, ignore him, pretend he doesn't exists. I have suppressed all my feelings and I haven't actually emotionally let my self go through the grief of not having him. I feel it all flooding in. I have no chcoice tomorrow. I have to go. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I have been shaking ever since I found out today. There are going to be times in the future where I am going to have to deal with this again. I don't know how to act I need some serious advise to get through this. I love(ed) this man. He was once one of my best friends. Please only positive advise..this is going to be torture. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Fantastic!.. now he is going to see from close that you moved on. Turn the tables, make it awkward for him, you just glide on... Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 you act very professional, quick answers making sure to space yourself physically at all times, no personal talk at all... You have moved on, your stronger now....and you deserve respect from Yourself. Don't let him steal anymore of your life........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Somedaymaybe81 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Fantastic!.. now he is going to see from close that you moved on. Turn the tables, make it awkward for him, you just glide on... This is a really really good way to look at it. How exactly do I make it awkward for him though? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Somedaymaybe81 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 you act very professional, quick answers making sure to space yourself physically at all times, no personal talk at all... You have moved on, your stronger now....and you deserve respect from Yourself. Don't let him steal anymore of your life........ Great ideas. I'll keep my answers short. And your right, all I gave him, all I could of lost because of him and he threw me away without looking back like yesterday's trash. I will not let him steal anymore of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I don't see a marriage as a holy grail. if she's unsatisfied it's time to move on. i personally wouldn't like to try to fix things with my husband(if i was married) after having a serious affair,because there was obviously a reason why that happened Leaving the husband doesn't solve the problem, since she is the one that cheated in a bad marriage. Her problem is in the mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Leaving the husband doesn't solve the problem, since she is the one that cheated in a bad marriage. Her problem is in the mirror. Yes, I don't understand why everyone blames the marriage- "you have to have problems in your marriage if one cheats" is written many different ways- nope, its a problem with the cheater- its like saying only people that need money embezzle-no, its a matter of selfishness and opportunity, just like cheating- Link to post Share on other sites
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