I'm lost

[eye of the storm]

What I'm looking for is help on not continuing and never getting back into another one. The thrill at the time was so addicting and I miss it.

 

Addicting. That is the issue. I used to joke my MM rubbed coke into his skin because I was so addicted to him.

 

Just like smokers, gamblers, alcoholics, you have to admit there is an issue. and move to fix it. You have to take actions. A smoker throws out their cigarettes and avoids going places where they always smoked. Alcoholics dump the booze and avoid bars. Gamblers do not go to casinos...You are going to have to admit you have an issue and work to fix it.

 

The red flags I see are, you admit if the MM comes back and asks you will fall back into bed with him. And you are going into counseling where your H is going to work on his issues but you are not going to admit you lied and had an A. You want your H to do all the work.

 

We all have to take responsibility for our actions. You are not taking any for your. If you want to really work on your M, you are going to have to stop gaslighting your H. He is going crazy because he knows what he knows but the woman he loves is telling him he doesn't.

 

What I'm looking for is help on not continuing and never getting back into another one.

Make a choice and then use your actions to follow thru. If you live an honest life you will not continue the A and will not get back into another one. Choice and Action.

 

I was a SOW. I know how easy it is to lie to others and to yourself. But until you can be honest. With yourself and with your H, nothing is going to change.

[burnt]

It is extremely exhausting. My plan is to never let him back into my life. I hope I can stick to it.

 

You have to do WAY more than just hope. As someone else said earlier, you should read posts in this forum to see the frighteningly consistent pattern virtually ALL MMs follow. Yes, they drop you, but then they come back just about the time you finally have find a way to start the healing process, only to the start the same game all over again, putting you back to square one.

 

Especially because you are an empath, as you mentioned, it will be very easy for you to fall for him, the moment he sings the right song: "I have been hurting by not seeing you; I have missed you; you have been in my mind all along; it's just that I could risk hurting my family" etc. etc. etc.

 

There have been many people who said those exact words "I won't let him back again", but the moment MM came back, they couldn't find the emotional strength to fight him.

 

Since you are seeing a therapist, try to address the issue of what happens WHEN your xMM shows up again. It's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of WHEN. Trust me when I say, if you think you are dispensing an incredible amount of strength now to cope with the loss, you will need even more strength to fight him off when he tries to pull you back in again--for another round of emotional roller coaster.

[ChickiePops]

I would like to stay in my marriage. We're starting counseling. . He has got to change or I'm going to leave. I don't plan on continuing the affair (but if he comes back it's going to be hard not too, just being honest) My H did believe the friends lie, but yes driving him crazy. What I'm looking for is help on not continuing and never getting back into another one. The thrill at the time was so addicting and I miss it.

 

These are not the words of someone who wants to stay in their marriage.

 

You clearly don't love your husband at all and you claim that he is abusive. So why stay in the marriage?

[elaine567]

The only reason he may not come back is if your "known to be abusive" husband put the fear of God into him and he is now scared of what your husband may do...

Otherwise, once he thinks the coast is clear, he will be back knocking on your door.

Cultivating a new OW is hard to do, hence why so many MM keep coming back to the same OW time after time.

 

The push pull is classic MM behaviour.

It is all over, I feel so guilty, it is not right...

I feel a bit horny, I love you we can make this work...

It is definitely all over, we cannot be together...

Feeling a bit horny again, you are the love of my life...

Goes AWOL.

Horny again damn it! I have always loved you...

Uncontactable.

Oh dear, the urge is upon me again. After my divorce, we will have that house in the country with 2 kids, what will we call them?...

[malvern99]

I would like to stay in my marriage. We're starting counseling. . He has got to change or I'm going to leave. I don't plan on continuing the affair (but if he comes back it's going to be hard not too, just being honest) My H did believe the friends lie, but yes driving him crazy. What I'm looking for is help on not continuing and never getting back into another one. The thrill at the time was so addicting and I miss it.

 

You likely won't like what I have to say, but here goes. There really is no point in going to counseling if you are withholding the truth from your betrayed husband. It will just be a giant waste of time and money because you will not only be lying to your betrayed husband, you'll also be lying to the counselor, and like anything else in life, you will only get out what you put into counseling. So, if you input garbage, the outcome will also be garbage.

 

Affairs are like addictions, and like addictions they will only end when the addict says so. There are no outside pressures that will force you to end it. You have to want it for yourself, and then you have to take concrete steps in the direction you want to go.

 

So, in my opinion, you need to do several things. First, come clean to your husband and save him from the anguish he must be in right now. I bet he was looking at your phone for a reason, and that reason was not paranoia. He probably sensed that something was off with you, and he wanted to find out what it was. He found something, but you decided to gaslight him, and that is not good on any level. Take him out of his misery and offer him the gift of truth. Doing that is the first step of giving up control of the outcome. You made your decisions to have an affair, not give your husband the dignity to make decisions about how his life will play out. That's the least he deserves. The prospect of coming clean is terrifying, but it is impossible to rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies.

 

Second, get yourself into IC and work on your whys. Without building better coping mechanisms, you will continue to find yourself vulnerable to having affairs. Finding your whys is a huge part of making yourself a safe partner again, whether it is in this marriage or any other relationship you have in the future.

 

Third, as long as you and your AP work together, the door for the A to restart is still open. Find yourself a new job as soon a possible. I would suggest total NC with your AP forever. There is nothing left to talk about. You have already enough damage. Stop digging the hole deeper.

 

Fourth, pick up the following books for yourself and your betrayed husband. How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. They are a good starting point on your journey.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 8, 2016 by malvern99

[Bufo]

Prepare yourself now for what will happen later. He will be back sooner or later.

I've posted this before. Too many times, actually. The first law of OMhood is that it's always easier to return where you've had success before than it is to locate, groom, and seduce a new OW.

 

There are relatively rare (<10%) occurrences where OM does a complete and never-violated ghosting. But in many cases, he's back in the hunt once the heat has died down. Read how happy the OW are if they buy into a repeat performance. Not good odds for you.

 

Divorce? Maybe that's your answer. But only you can know that.

[Grey Cloud]

He got scared. He had another man confront him (being your husband). All of a sudden the secret bubble was about to get exposed and he back peddled to the safety cocoon of his marriage. Your MM is also probably conflict avoidant and wants to escape conflict at all costs.

 

He is also probably petrified of your husband telling his wife even though he has decided not to say anything at the moment. It wouldn't surprise me at all if your MM has mentioned something at home to his wife that he has this woman at work pursuing him. He would definitely be painting the picture in his favour in case it all does blow up in his face. If his wife found out anything he could say "but I don't even talk to her at work, I ignore her" to cover his own ass. He will throw you under the bus and make out he had nothing to do with it and you were the one that chased him.

 

When he said he loved you he was saying he loved how the affair made him feel. When the affair made him feel like **** (when your H called him) then it was easy for him to walk away.

 

I also think he will be back once he feels more safe and secure again.

[aileD]

Your right. And he didn't say any of that. He ran.

 

Most of them do.

 

Know you're worth more.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Anyone who has an affair feels entitled. Married people feel entitled to do whatever they want despite who it hurts..and a lot of the time they try to blame the BS for it when really, the BS can be blamed for whatever issues there are in the relationship, but not for the affair. And single people feel entitled to insert themselves into a 2-person relationship after only being invited in by 1 of those people.

 

You cannot enter into an affair from either side without feeling some kind of sense of entitlement..it's just not possible.

 

Being in an abusive marriage sucks. But it does not entitle someone to cheat.

 

Being flirted with and seduced by a married person is tempting, but it does not entitle you to be a third party in a two person marriage.

 

Have you had an affair?

[Friskyone4u]

I do want to stay married more. I've tried and tried for years to please him and it's never good enough. I never EVER saw my self doing this, or letting myself be swooped up by another man. But that's exactly what happened. I fell for every word. I didn't think anyone (especially him) could be so cruel. Just trying to understand it.

 

Someday

 

You are wasting your energy trying to understand it, but I'll help you. Read as many infidelity books as you can find and virtually all will tell you that men enter affairs PRIMARILY for sex, and that women usually are emotionally more connected before the sex starts. That is why it is so easy for men to do what they do. Our brains think different and a married man trying to get into your pants is no different than a single one. Same lines, same ego kibbles.

 

What you are doing by wasting all this emotional energy is hindering your ability to focus on what you need to do to straighten out your life and marriage or divorce. It appears what you may have here is what is called an "exit" affair.

 

What you ought to do is confess the whole thing to your husband. Then one of two things will happen

(1) he will get rid of you

(2) he will understand that while the decision to cheat was 100% on you, the marital problems are 50% his.

 

Either way you come out ahead, because right now you are still pining for another guy which makes it impossible for you to straighten out your marriage. And this clinging to why is just an excuse to hold on hoping he will contact you again.

 

Don't tell me you never had sex as a single woman with a guy who never called you again. Not the end of the world.

 

You had sex twice if thats true. He did it because he wanted to, same as you, and that is what it all boils down to. And the net result here is the norm not the exception. Very few affairs end with the two cheaters riding happily off into the sunset and the statistics say relationships formed by adultery have a very low long term survival rate. Now Im sure some genius on here will come on and tell you that adultery resulted in a wonderful marriage, but read the books and you will know that is not the probably outcome.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He got scared. He had another man confront him (being your husband). All of a sudden the secret bubble was about to get exposed and he back peddled to the safety cocoon of his marriage. Your MM is also probably conflict avoidant and wants to escape conflict at all costs.

 

He is also probably petrified of your husband telling his wife even though he has decided not to say anything at the moment. It wouldn't surprise me at all if your MM has mentioned something at home to his wife that he has this woman at work pursuing him. He would definitely be painting the picture in his favour in case it all does blow up in his face. If his wife found out anything he could say "but I don't even talk to her at work, I ignore her" to cover his own ass. He will throw you under the bus and make out he had nothing to do with it and you were the one that chased him.

 

When he said he loved you he was saying he loved how the affair made him feel. When the affair made him feel like **** (when your H called him) then it was easy for him to walk away.

 

I also think he will be back once he feels more safe and secure again.

 

All this. This is my exact story - part 1. He came back once the dust settled, one month later. Part 2 was 4 months after that when he told his wife bc he was afraid of my husband. He painted me exactly as Grey Cloud said - and she bought it. He dropped me again for 5 months. Part 3 was 5 months after that, his wife was more secure so he came sniffing around again. At least I did not go back physically but I allowed communication and it was heartbreaking. It was off and on, off and on, for 6 more months till now he will not speak to me at all and he announced that he is leaving the end of this month.

 

Add up all those wasted months of my life. Oh and each time they come back - they blame their wives and swear they will never do this again. They say all that I love you stuff, soulmate, it's meaningless garbage. But you have been wanting this guy so long, you just eat it up like the addiction it is.

 

It's easier just to have no contact at all. I deeply regret keeping that door open for all this time. If I could turn back the clock, I'd have slammed it shut the first time he ignored me.

 

And I have that em-path thing. I am going to look into that book.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And I agree, you have to tell your husband. I did and my marriage is a million times better as we worked through our issues.

 

Part of it though is me, I also have that addictive personality and I attract men, like I am sure you do OP. Once you have an affair and it's over, you will be looking around for your next fix. How to conquer that?

 

Self control.

Self respect

Self love

 

And realizing just because someone is open to something with you does not mean you owe them anything. Just bc some guy fancies us does not mean we have to give in. We can smile, be flattered and not taken him up on it. This was a big thing for me. I felt like I owed xmm intimacy which he was not getting at home. I didn't owe him anything.

[ChickiePops]

Have you had an affair?

 

Nope..but I had a married man try like hell. It sucked..I really liked him and I was recently out of a bad relationship. I had a quiet crush on him at work which I never did anything about..he was a few places above me. He didn't wear a ring and I had no idea he was married for a while. We spoke occasionally, but when I found out he was married I felt that our friendship was too close and it was clear that we were very physically attracted to each other, so I cut it off right then and there. We only ever had platonic, work-related contact after that. He looked me up on Linked In about 2 years later and I ignored him.

 

I was also propositioned by a major player in my industry. He literally locked me in his office with him (I was an assistant at the time and it was normal to be called into people's offices to do things for them so I had no clue what he was up to when he called me in) and offered me a huge promotion if I slept with him. I also said no there (though admittedly I was too scared to report him anywhere..I did, however, tell my immediate boss, who made sure to put himself between me and this guy any time we were in a room together).

 

I work in television. Affairs are a run of the mill occurrence, and saying no to this man could have had a major impact on my career. I got lucky that he is a disgusting pig who found another victim immediately afterwards and apparently forgot all about me, so it didn't.

 

You can respond however you like but it actually is possible..easy even...to say no, and there is never, ever a reason to get involved in anyone else's marriage, nor to cheat on your spouse. Two wrongs do not make a right. Whatever problems exist in the marriage before the affair, cheating and lying won't make them better.

 

So regardless of what you say, I stand by my statement that it takes a certain amount of entitlement to engage in an affair. Bye now!

[123sadgirl]

These are not the words of someone who wants to stay in their marriage.

 

You clearly don't love your husband at all and you claim that he is abusive. So why stay in the marriage?

 

 

I do not agree with your post ChickiePops, she is being honest, sometimes our emotions differ from our logical mind. Yes she may love her husband and still wants her MM. One has to be in it to understands sometimes it hard to do the right thing even though you know is wrong. She needs support not us trying to catch her out. I hope she goes into therapy to help her not fall back into the affair again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Nope..but I had a married man try like hell. It sucked..I really liked him and I was recently out of a bad relationship. I had a quiet crush on him at work which I never did anything about..he was a few places above me. He didn't wear a ring and I had no idea he was married for a while. We spoke occasionally, but when I found out he was married I felt that our friendship was too close and it was clear that we were very physically attracted to each other, so I cut it off right then and there. We only ever had platonic, work-related contact after that. He looked me up on Linked In about 2 years later and I ignored him.

 

I was also propositioned by a major player in my industry. He literally locked me in his office with him (I was an assistant at the time and it was normal to be called into people's offices to do things for them so I had no clue what he was up to when he called me in) and offered me a huge promotion if I slept with him. I also said no there (though admittedly I was too scared to report him anywhere..I did, however, tell my immediate boss, who made sure to put himself between me and this guy any time we were in a room together).

 

I work in television. Affairs are a run of the mill occurrence, and saying no to this man could have had a major impact on my career. I got lucky that he is a disgusting pig who found another victim immediately afterwards and apparently forgot all about me, so it didn't.

 

You can respond however you like but it actually is possible..easy even...to say no, and there is never, ever a reason to get involved in anyone else's marriage, nor to cheat on your spouse. Two wrongs do not make a right. Whatever problems exist in the marriage before the affair, cheating and lying won't make them better.

 

So regardless of what you say, I stand by my statement that it takes a certain amount of entitlement to engage in an affair. Bye now!

 

I like your "bye now!". You remind me of xmm who would send an email at 4:59pm on a Friday and then say, have a great weekend, see you Monday, to effectively cut down on my responding. You have no problem cutting people down on an internet site (people who are in raw pain btw) and then disappearing so as to avoid anyone asking you to defend your position.

 

Look how much I have learned from my affair. Anyway, my point is are you even married, and I am guessing NO, and have you had an affair while married and you said NO. Therefore you don't know what you are talking about, you are just slinging mud for some unknown reason. It would be like me giving my opinion on what is like to have an enlarged prostate. Or my opinion on what it is like to have a spouse or child die. Or win a million dollars. Or have cancer. If you have not been in the experience personally, how on earth could you really know what it feels like?

 

But you have run away. That is okay. I am used to it from xmm.

[malvern99]

I do not agree with your post ChickiePops, she is being honest, sometimes our emotions differ from our logical mind. Yes she may love her husband and still wants her MM. One has to be in it to understands sometimes it hard to do the right thing even though you know is wrong. She needs support not us trying to catch her out. I hope she goes into therapy to help her not fall back into the affair again.

 

I think I understand what ChickiePops is trying to get across. In my opinion at least, love is more than just warm fuzzy feelings. Love is best described by actions. The OP may say she loves her husband (and I do not doubt she thinks she does), but her actions say something different, because we do not willfully hurt the ones we love.

[ChickiePops]

I do not agree with your post ChickiePops, she is being honest, sometimes our emotions differ from our logical mind. Yes she may love her husband and still wants her MM. One has to be in it to understands sometimes it hard to do the right thing even though you know is wrong. She needs support not us trying to catch her out. I hope she goes into therapy to help her not fall back into the affair again.

 

You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine. Yeah, life can be hard sometimes. Why should that make it ok to hurt other people?

 

Just because you're struggling doesn't mean you need to inflict pain on others.

 

Affairs are inexcusable. Period.

[ChickiePops]

I like your "bye now!". You remind me of xmm who would send an email at 4:59pm on a Friday and then say, have a great weekend, see you Monday, to effectively cut down on my responding. You have no problem cutting people down on an internet site (people who are in raw pain btw) and then disappearing so as to avoid anyone asking you to defend your position.

 

Look how much I have learned from my affair. Anyway, my point is are you even married, and I am guessing NO, and have you had an affair while married and you said NO. Therefore you don't know what you are talking about, you are just slinging mud for some unknown reason. It would be like me giving my opinion on what is like to have an enlarged prostate. Or my opinion on what it is like to have a spouse or child die. Or win a million dollars. Or have cancer. If you have not been in the experience personally, how on earth could you really know what it feels like?

 

But you have run away. That is okay. I am used to it from xmm.

 

Im sorry your xMM hurt you..but I hope you've learned not to mess with MM from that experience.

 

Even horrible experiences can teach us lessons. My mom shouldn't have had me..she was bipolar and suicidal..but she did..I learned a helluva lot from dealing with that. And I learned a helluva lot from dealing with a psychotic OW who stalked, harassed, and threatened to kill me too. Such as - don't get involved with men who aren't interested. And a MM who isn't leaving his marriage for you..he isn't interested.

 

I hope you heal quickly. I mean that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Im sorry your xMM hurt you..but I hope you've learned not to mess with MM from that experience.

 

Even horrible experiences can teach us lessons. My mom shouldn't have had me..she was bipolar and suicidal..but she did..I learned a helluva lot from dealing with that. And I learned a helluva lot from dealing with a psychotic OW who stalked, harassed, and threatened to kill me too. Such as - don't get involved with men who aren't interested. And a MM who isn't leaving his marriage for you..he isn't interested.

 

I hope you heal quickly. I mean that.

 

Yes I have, in fact I have major trust issues from the experience, but it goes way beyond that. Unlike some posters who had this love connection with someone and saw hearts and rainbows, I was pursued with words of love by a guy who I knew him for years and had zero interest outside friendship. Before anything developed he told me how he had demanded his wife put him above their daughter, he wanted to be first, and she said no. He told me how he had been looking for an affair for 10 years. I was aware he was angry at his wife and wanted to make her pay. And he focused his attention on me.

 

So I am wondering what it is about me that allows myself to feel like I owed him, and other people now and past, a part of myself, simply because they desired it. He was in a sexless marriage and I allowed him to make me feel like it was my responsibility to take care of his sexual needs. I wasn't his wife. I don't know why I did it. I felt like I had to. And what it is about me that makes me a target.

 

The inability to say no and say, that is not right to do to me, and I won't accept that kind of behavior is a theme running through my whole life.

 

So my affair was not indulgent. I am sorry though that the eOW tried to kill you. I have to wonder at the person your H chose to get involved with and her mental state. I am terrified to even look at her FB page, I can't imagine trying to kill her. That's really crazy.

[ChickiePops]

Yes I have, in fact I have major trust issues from the experience, but it goes way beyond that. Unlike some posters who had this love connection with someone and saw hearts and rainbows, I was pursued with words of love by a guy who I knew him for years and had zero interest outside friendship. Before anything developed he told me how he had demanded his wife put him above their daughter, he wanted to be first, and she said no. He told me how he had been looking for an affair for 10 years. I was aware he was angry at his wife and wanted to make her pay. And he focused his attention on me.

 

So I am wondering what it is about me that allows myself to feel like I owed him, and other people now and past, a part of myself, simply because they desired it. He was in a sexless marriage and I allowed him to make me feel like it was my responsibility to take care of his sexual needs. I wasn't his wife. I don't know why I did it. I felt like I had to. And what it is about me that makes me a target.

 

The inability to say no and say, that is not right to do to me, and I won't accept that kind of behavior is a theme running through my whole life.

 

So my affair was not indulgent. I am sorry though that the eOW tried to kill you. I have to wonder at the person your H chose to get involved with and her mental state. I am terrified to even look at her FB page, I can't imagine trying to kill her. That's really crazy.

 

We will have to agree to disagree on some of these points..I won't get into it anymore because we have threadjacked enough. Please know that none of what I say here, harsh as it may sound, is designed to intentionally hurt anyone.

 

Best of luck to you.

[ShatteredLady]

Now that I'm starting to come out of the fog I'm seeeing this. I've been to counseling since I was a teenager for an anxiety disorder. She told me I was an empath. I give everything I have who people who have nothing, I only see the good in people and not the bad. I guess I was the perfect victim for this..and also why I can't even imagine walking away without at least closure. I don't know how he can live with himself. But I guess not everyone has the same feelings as I do.

 

 

Please don't do this! If the top half about being empathic & giving is is still an aspect of your character it's incredibly selective! Even psychiatrists agree that one of the worst things one can experience is marital infidelity. It's a way of forever changing 2 innocent people (the BS's) in ways they'll struggle to recognize. You will change how they love, how they see the world & how they interact with the people in it.

 

You will knowingly inflict untold agony on your HUSBAND because of your empathic qualities tie you to another man! Empathy should be more widespread, beyond yourself & want you want for it to be a good quality.

 

I'm rarely ever mean here but you truly don't seem to get it....& calling yourself an EMPATH irked me to be honest.

 

 

Please don't call yourself a victim. Own this!!! A victim can't control the situation & you are free as a bird. You have to accept your responsibility to regain your power. You can do whatever YOU want....you did!!

 

There is not such thing as closure! Remember there's a fine line between Romeo under the balcony & a stalker!! Try to put yourself into your MM shoes. His mistresses husband telephoned him & threatened to tell his wife. That MUST NOT HAPPEN!!! Be understanding. The very thought that his wife could know is his worst nightmare at the moment. He was bloody lucky (your H could still tell) I bet he's laying awake at night praying that 'she' did delete every single bit of evidence.

 

He can't contact you & risk producing more evidence. You are being watched like a hawk by your Betrayed husband. He knows!!

Edited November 8, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Somedaymaybe81]

Please don't do this! If the top half about being empathic & giving is is still an aspect of your character it's incredibly selective! Even psychiatrists agree that one of the worst things one can experience is marital infidelity. It's a way of forever changing 2 innocent people (the BS's) in ways they'll struggle to recognize. You will change how they love, how they see the world & how they interact with the people in it.

 

You will knowingly inflict untold agony on your HUSBAND because of your empathic qualities tie you to another man! Empathy should be more widespread, beyond yourself & want you want for it to be a good quality.

 

I'm rarely ever mean here but you truly don't seem to get it....& calling yourself an EMPATH irked me to be honest.

 

 

 

Please don't call yourself a victim. Own this!!! A victim can't control the situation & you are free as a bird. You have to accept your responsibility to regain your power. You can do whatever YOU want....you did!!

 

There is not such thing as closure! Remember there's a fine line between Romeo under the balcony & a stalker!! Try to put yourself into your MM shoes. His mistresses husband telephoned him & threatened to tell his wife. That MUST NOT HAPPEN!!! Be understanding. The very thought that his wife could know is his worst nightmare at the moment. He was bloody lucky (your H could still tell) I bet he's laying awake at night praying that 'she' did delete every single bit of evidence.

 

He can't contact you & risk producing more evidence. You are being watched like a hawk by your Betrayed husband. He knows!!

 

What does BS stand for?

 

Your right. I am not the victim. These comments have helped me to see that. I am just as much guilty as my AP.

 

I don't necessarily think I'm text book empath. My therapist disagrees. I have a hard time saying to no anyone and invole my self in way more than I can handle because I feel horrible guilty saying no. I need to figure out how I can change that and be ok with it.

 

As far as closure goes, all I would like it a conversation, a message, something. I think it's rude for him to run, but again these messages are making it more clear for me why he isn't.

[spideywoman]

What does BS stand for?

 

BS = betrayed spouse

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you for your kind words. The more I read, the more I'm seeing this is typical behavior. I refuse to contact him. I have many ways to get ahold of him but I won't. He knows many ways to get ahold of me that are safe if he wants to talk.

 

 

The above is your problem. You will not make it impossible for him to contact you because you don't want this to end. if you leave this unchecked, when he wants sex again je will contact you, you will meet him for "closure" and be right back where you started.

 

if you were serious about this ending you would not leave all the channels of continuing to lie and cheat on your husband open.

 

Stop fooling yourself. At least be honest with yourself.

[eye of the storm]

Having a hard time saying no is not empathic. It is weak willed. Being empathic is being able to feel others feelings and the ability to put themselves in their shoes. To understand.

 

If you were truly empathic your BSs emotions would be swamping you. You would be collapsing under the weight of his anguish at finding out his W was cheating on him. But all you are worried about is why your MM dumped and ran. Even now you are focused on his "rudeness" in not at least sending you a message. The only emotions you are worried about is yours.

 

Now, in your defense. I was M for 18 years to a man I could not please. Nothing I did was right. I didn't leave. Not because I couldn't. Not because I loved him. Because I was in denial about how bad it was. I could not see how my entire personality had been crushed. I was lucky that he decided to finally leave me for one of his APs. After therapy, I was able to finally see how bad it was. I was lucky, I had a good therapist and she refused to let me blame my issues on my H. I chose to stay in a terrible marriage. I chose to let him treat me the way he did. It was never about him...It was always about me. Why I made the choices I did.

 

You chose to have an A. You chose to gaslight your BS when he discovered the A. You chose to go to therapy to discuss his issues and deny yours. Now you are choosing to say your empathy is why you had an A. Nothing is your fault. Nothing was caused by you.

 

You cannot move on from this until you, not the AP and not the BS, you accept your role. Learn from it, grow from it, heal, and move on.