I'm lost

[Savannah2]

I highly recommend reading my posts and responses throughout the 5 years I've been involved with my MM. We work together too.. your situation sounds exactly like mine. I was also very unhappy with my marriage when it started. He always told me he still loved his wife but they had their occasional ups and downs. In other words, he was not getting sex as much as he liked. But when he did, it was good and he loved her. That's how the push pull dynamic starts. He will chase and pursue you when things are lacking with her but the second she turns it around and things are better, he will withdrawal as from you and say he wants a break because of the guilt etc. it has happened the entire five years and I'm always devestated when he does it. You will see his true motivations. Like one wise person on here once told me, "Prince Charming is only charming when he wants a blow job".

 

My advice is to find another job away from him. Figure out what you want with your marriage. Have the gumption to do what needs to be done. The affair is just a band aid. He is not the answer.

[aileD]

If you have trouble saying no you have to make it so he can't find or contact you so you aren't faced with him.

 

Change your number. Move. Anything to get away

[BluesPower]

First off just from reading your last few posts I can see that you are starting to figure out what is going on.

 

It is a shame that he lied to you to get you in bed. But, it is typical.

 

Kudos to your husband for scaring him off. He actually did you a big favor.

 

If your husband really is abusive then you need to get a divorce and you can see who ever you want. That is, if you are not re-writing the marriage history, which some of us do to justify the affair.

 

While that was kind of a silly mistake, really some good could come out of it.

 

And, if your husband is really that bad, why go to counseling at all, why not just get a divorce?

[Somedaymaybe81]

First off just from reading your last few posts I can see that you are starting to figure out what is going on.

 

It is a shame that he lied to you to get you in bed. But, it is typical.

 

Kudos to your husband for scaring him off. He actually did you a big favor.

 

If your husband really is abusive then you need to get a divorce and you can see who ever you want. That is, if you are not re-writing the marriage history, which some of us do to justify the affair.

 

While that was kind of a silly mistake, really some good could come out of it.

 

And, if your husband is really that bad, why go to counseling at all, why not just get a divorce?

 

By reading all the posts he is so typical. The push and pull from him, not giving me attention when they were getting along and coming to me when they weren't. I was choosing to ignore the behavior but looking back it wasn't ok. I'm worth more than being second choice.

 

I've decided to permanently delete any ways of communicating, if I don't I will go right back to him. That's just my personality. I have a very hard time saying no and this way I'm not giving myself the option.

 

As far as my husband goes, I do love him, he is so handsome and an amazing father. There are times he's very good to me and times where he won't talk to me for days because of stupid little things (not keeping up with laundry, not vacuuming with the right attachment etc)

 

I need go figure out my marriage and never get involved in anything like this again. I see that they are all the same when it comes to an affair and I can't go through that again. If my husband doesn't change I'll have to take the steps to leave. But I can't go into councling with an AP, that's not fair to him.

 

Thanks everyone for your messages, they have really helped opening my eyes to all this affair stuff.

[ChickiePops]

You're staying with your abusive husband because he's handsome?

[Somedaymaybe81]

You're staying with your abusive husband because he's handsome?

 

Did I say thats the only reason I'm staying? No. What I was saying is I need to figure out my marriage because he has some good qualities and is an amazing Dad to my children. If he can't change and is still emotionally abusive I need to leave and find an available man. Handsome or not, if your a prick it doesn't matter.

[Jersey born raised]

Is your "empathy" a means for your sub-conscious to be with people who confirm your sense of lack of self worth? In short you believe you deserve to be treated poorly? Not you are not worth being treated well? Please ask your IC.

[ChickiePops]

Did I say thats the only reason I'm staying? No. What I was saying is I need to figure out my marriage because he has some good qualities and is an amazing Dad to my children. If he can't change and is still emotionally abusive I need to leave and find an available man. Handsome or not, if your a prick it doesn't matter.

 

I wasn't accusing, I was asking. It was the only reason you listed besides good dad, and he could be a good dad whether you're together or not.

 

Good luck.

[Somedaymaybe81]

Is your "empathy" a means for your sub-conscious to be with people who confirm your sense of lack of self worth? In short you believe you deserve to be treated poorly? Not you are not worth being treated well? Please ask your IC.

 

You hit the nail on the head. When he was ignoring me I felt like I wasn't good enough, when he was I felt amazing. I need to figure out a way to not need male validation to feel good about me. I've always been this way. Because my husband treats me very poorly at times I feel like I need it from someone else.

 

Men tell me I'm beautiful all the time, I get a lot of attention and a lot of looks..but when they don't follow through with getting to know me, I feel like there is something wrong with me. It's horrible. I know it is. I really wish someone could help me with just being confident in my self and not needing that attention all the time.

 

This affair has sent me into a tail spin. Why did he disappear? Why is he ignoring me at work? What did I do? Did he hear something about me at work? Does he think I'm gross for having an affair (even though he did same thing). Why has it been almost 4 weeks with out a word? Do I not deserve you to tell me where you are at with what's happening?

[Somedaymaybe81]

I wasn't accusing, I was asking. It was the only reason you listed besides good dad, and he could be a good dad whether you're together or not.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you Chickiepops

[DKT3]

So the abuse is your husband ignoring you when he gets upset?

[anika99]

So the abuse is your husband ignoring you when he gets upset?

 

The silent treatment can be considered emotionally and mentally abusive. I had an ex who used to play that game with me. He would get ridiculously angry over something very small and freak out and rage. Sometimes his rage would be followed with 1-7 days of the silent treatment. We lived together and I can't tell you what a painful experience that was. I would give him space at first but usually by the second day or so I would start reaching out to him, feeling a need to be reassured that he still loved me and that we were okay. He would just look at me with utter contempt and walk away or turn his back. He knew how much his cold silence affected me and that's why he was doing hit. To punish me and hurt me. Whenever someone takes deliberate actions to hurt you, that is abusive. Normal couples don't seek to punish and hurt each other, especially not over minor disagreements.

[Somedaymaybe81]

So the abuse is your husband ignoring you when he gets upset?

 

No no. Not at all. The abuse is:

 

Me not loading the dishwasher the right way and he will ignore me for days and call me a bad wife.

 

Body shaming me. We were at a wedding and he told me my ass reminded him of a golf ball because it's so dimply (I'm a size 4 to 6)

 

Not vacuuming enough, or with the right attachment.

 

When I try to look nice. He is accusing me of trying to impress someone.

 

He doesn't like any of my friends, nor does he trust them.

 

He won't ride in much car because it's too "dirty". It's really not at all.

 

He puts me down in front of other people.

 

He hold affection from me for weeks. No kissing, hugs, touches nothing. If I do one little thing wrong. I grew up with very affectionate parents, they are amazing. I need that from him.

 

I could go on and on and on. I have talked to him about all this and he knows how I feel. His reasoning is I get everything else I want in life, affection is the only thing he can take from me. Which is why I think I look for it on other places and don't feel good enough for it when I don't get it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

No no. Not at all. The abuse is:

 

Me not loading the dishwasher the right way and he will ignore me for days and call me a bad wife.

 

Body shaming me. We were at a wedding and he told me my ass reminded him of a golf ball because it's so dimply (I'm a size 4 to 6)

 

Not vacuuming enough, or with the right attachment.

 

When I try to look nice. He is accusing me of trying to impress someone.

 

He doesn't like any of my friends, nor does he trust them.

 

He won't ride in much car because it's too "dirty". It's really not at all.

 

He puts me down in front of other people.

 

He hold affection from me for weeks. No kissing, hugs, touches nothing. If I do one little thing wrong. I grew up with very affectionate parents, they are amazing. I need that from him.

 

I could go on and on and on. I have talked to him about all this and he knows how I feel. His reasoning is I get everything else I want in life, affection is the only thing he can take from me. Which is why I think I look for it on other places and don't feel good enough for it when I don't get it.

 

I may have missed this somewhere but are you guys doing counseling together? This may be a good first step for the both of you. It sounds like you have a lot of anger towards your husband (which sounds justified) but if you do not deal with it in a healthy way you will continue finding unhealthy coping mechanisms.

[Somedaymaybe81]

I may have missed this somewhere but are you guys doing counseling together? This may be a good first step for the both of you. It sounds like you have a lot of anger towards your husband (which sounds justified) but if you do not deal with it in a healthy way you will continue finding unhealthy coping mechanisms.

 

Yes we start next month. After he saw the phone calls to my AF (thinks we were just good friend) he agreed to go.

[eye of the storm]

You hit the nail on the head. When he was ignoring me I felt like I wasn't good enough, when he was I felt amazing. I need to figure out a way to not need male validation to feel good about me. I've always been this way. Because my husband treats me very poorly at times I feel like I need it from someone else.

 

Men tell me I'm beautiful all the time, I get a lot of attention and a lot of looks..but when they don't follow through with getting to know me, I feel like there is something wrong with me. It isn't that there is something wrong with you, it is that you are married. The men are respecting that boundary. It's horrible. I know it is. I really wish someone could help me with just being confident in my self and not needing that attention all the time. You like the attention.

 

This affair has sent me into a tail spin. Why did he disappear? Why is he ignoring me at work? What did I do? Did he hear something about me at work? Does he think I'm gross for having an affair (even though he did same thing). Why has it been almost 4 weeks with out a word? Do I not deserve you to tell me where you are at with what's happening? You know exactly what happened. Your H called him. He is trying to protect his marriage and you are a danger. And you are getting exactly what you deserve.

 

I am starting to think the punishment for getting into an A is this feeling we are going thru.

 

Please stop acting like you don't know why you were dumped. You got caught. You became a liability. He cut his losses to protect his M.

 

You are going to go from A to A if you don't work on why you need outside validation. Cheaters look for partners that have those kinds of issues. They are talented at spotting them. But that doesn't mean getting into an A is their fault. You are not dandelion fluff floating on the wind. You have a choice and you willingly and knowingly got into this and you will willingly and knowingly get into the next one if you don't work on the only thing you can change. You.

[Somedaymaybe81]

I am starting to think the punishment for getting into an A is this feeling we are going thru.

 

Please stop acting like you don't know why you were dumped. You got caught. You became a liability. He cut his losses to protect his M.

 

You are going to go from A to A if you don't work on why you need outside validation. Cheaters look for partners that have those kinds of issues. They are talented at spotting them. But that doesn't mean getting into an A is their fault. You are not dandelion fluff floating on the wind. You have a choice and you willingly and knowingly got into this and you will willingly and knowingly get into the next one if you don't work on the only thing you can change. You.

 

Your right. That's exactly why I am here getting advise and not out trying to get myself involved in another A.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi someday, I was a former wayward wife. I have to agree with all of eyeofthestorm's posts. There is a lot to think about there...mainly about taking responsibility and steps moving forward.

 

I have to agree with other PP and you're not going to like it...you need to tell your husband the truth. The fact that you're in couples therapy and you are keeping your A a secret means the chances of your marriage becoming what you want it to be is very, very low. Yes, your H has issues, but you do too. Own that and address it openly.

 

My A ended a couple of months before d-day. I wanted to be with my H and began to work on us. I thought we could work it out without me admitting what I'd done. But after d-day, I can see how we would've NEVER gotten through without the whole painful truth. I told my husband what I did. It was the hardest, most painful day ever, for me and for him. But it gave him the chance to decide what he wanted to do moving forward, and it gave me the chance to start rebuilding my personal integrity.

 

I know it is the scariest thing to think about...you tell him, and your whole life will change. You made a choice to have an A, and there are consequences. How you handle things moving forward will make or break you.

 

Good luck.

[eye of the storm]

The best way to not get into another A is work on why you got into this one.

 

And it had zero to do with you H. And zero to do with you AP. It was you.

 

As long as you are focusing on them you will find an excuse to get into another one.

 

Good luck

[malvern99]

Hi someday, I was a former wayward wife. I have to agree with all of eyeofthestorm's posts. There is a lot to think about there...mainly about taking responsibility and steps moving forward.

 

I have to agree with other PP and you're not going to like it...you need to tell your husband the truth. The fact that you're in couples therapy and you are keeping your A a secret means the chances of your marriage becoming what you want it to be is very, very low. Yes, your H has issues, but you do too. Own that and address it openly.

 

My A ended a couple of months before d-day. I wanted to be with my H and began to work on us. I thought we could work it out without me admitting what I'd done. But after d-day, I can see how we would've NEVER gotten through without the whole painful truth. I told my husband what I did. It was the hardest, most painful day ever, for me and for him. But it gave him the chance to decide what he wanted to do moving forward, and it gave me the chance to start rebuilding my personal integrity.

 

I know it is the scariest thing to think about...you tell him, and your whole life will change. You made a choice to have an A, and there are consequences. How you handle things moving forward will make or break you.

 

Good luck.

 

I could not agree more with this. Trying to rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies ensures failure.

 

OP talks of how emotionally abusive her BH is, and if that is the case, he needs to work on his behavior. It is unacceptable. On the flip side of the coin, she conveniently doesn't recognize how abusive her treatment of her BH is right now too. Gaslighting drives people crazy. She acknowledged that fact herself too, but she seems to have no problem perpetuating his misery. That's a double standard she has to address. It's all well and good to hold people accountable for their behavior if you are willing to be held to the same standard. Anything else is just abuse.

Edited November 10, 2016 by malvern99
Clarity

[BluesPower]

BitterSweetie, What a great post.

 

You are so correct. I caught my wife and years later she caught me. When she had her affairs we were young and stupid and had no idea how to deal with it. She really had no idea how to deal with it. It was pure hell.

 

It is also important to do what is necessary to help each other heal. My wife did not do that and 15 years later I still resent her for it. It kind of just came back when some other things triggered me.

 

Great post though...

[Somedaymaybe81]

It's been 5 weeks and 2 days with NC (yes, I'm counting) and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. It was not my choice to go NC but my husband found our phone records, he talked to him, believed we were just friends and moved on. He ran, never looking back. Haven't heard from him since. After 8 months, not a word.

 

. I see him everyday and refuse to look at him. I have to pretend he doesn't exists. I can feel him looking at me, he will walk behind me very close, show up where he knows I'm going to be and linger... I don't look, I don't smile I give no attention what so ever. But it's killing me! He knows how we can communicate, he knows how to get ahold of me..but he does not. I know I should be thankful it's over, I feel horrible that I did this but why is he doing this to me? It's almost like he's taunting me...

 

When will this sadness, emptiness end? I miss my friendship with him more than anything else. Just having him to talk to everyday was so nice. I really want to get back to my old self but nothing seems to be working.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's been 5 weeks and 2 days with NC (yes, I'm counting) and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. It was not my choice to go NC but my husband found our phone records, he talked to him, believed we were just friends and moved on. He ran, never looking back. Haven't heard from him since. After 8 months, not a word.

 

. I see him everyday and refuse to look at him. I have to pretend he doesn't exists. I can feel him looking at me, he will walk behind me very close, show up where he knows I'm going to be and linger... I don't look, I don't smile I give no attention what so ever. But it's killing me! He knows how we can communicate, he knows how to get ahold of me..but he does not. I know I should be thankful it's over, I feel horrible that I did this but why is he doing this to me? It's almost like he's taunting me...

 

When will this sadness, emptiness end? I miss my friendship with him more than anything else. Just having him to talk to everyday was so nice. I really want to get back to my old self but nothing seems to be working.

 

I assume he is married. He will be back once he stops being afraid your husband will tell his wife. And then when you get caught, or he gets caught, he will ignore you again. Then he will be back and the cycle will continue. I know this because I lived it and it's played out all over this board.

 

I am sorry for your pain. He is NOT a friend though. I realize you don't feel like that and I have been where you are. My advice is to look for a new job unless you can magically feel better. Or when he comes back, kick him to the curb. That will make you feel better.

[Jersey born raised]

You are in limbo and will continue to be in pain until you get out of it. You get out of it by developing a plan of actions with specific goals. Telling yout husband will most likely just give him leverage to demean you and justify not fixing the issues. Separating the two is hard regardless of the type of person the BS is.

 

I suggest go to IC/MC on your own and develop ideas for what you want and how to get them. Discuss how to handle passive/aggressive personalities.

 

At the same time review divorce laws in your state. Many attorneys will offer free advice on how the law will treat the divorce. Based on this develop a game plan to separate and divorce and be prepared to act on it.

 

Understand when he demeans you it is out of fear you will leave him because he is not good enough for you. The lower he can cause you to believe in your self worth the safer he feels. In short he will destroy you if left unchecked.

 

You should have bypassed the adultery and went the IC/MC divorce route pre-A. The fact you didn't will cause problems down the road for you but for now stay away from MM and work on yourself and your children. Read HeCantBreakMe thread. It is heartbreaking. Don't let your life echo her's or Midnight's. Both these woman had real tough issues in their marriage but the adultery just added to the complexity going forward. They both love their husbands and most of the life they share with them but the cracks into foundation of the marriage will destroy their marriages if left on fixed. It would be a shame as so much of their marriages have real value and worth.

[Jersey born raised]

Start by reading "Not Just Friends" do a search for it is available as a free download.