troope Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and we haven't met much because of different obstacles, we live far away, family doesn't know of him and wouldn't approve, money etc.. More than a year ago he started changing alot towards me.. he became more cold. Now I feel that our relationship has hit the rock bottom. I don't know if you can even call it a relationship at this point. I barely talk to him because he always ignores me.. he doesn't seem to miss me but he says he does. He isn't interested in us talking like he used to, he just seems like he is sick of doing the same things. If I am in any way negative, be it about me or us, he immediately takes the opportunity to leave. He doesn't have anything to say to me most of the time. I feel so invisible and unattractive, he never wants to see me on cam, never wants to have phonesex with me. He says it makes him uncomfortable. We haven't even had sex yet, when we tried last time we met, he didn't want to at all. He says he has issues with it, but I'm afraid it's just me who is wrong and he doesn't like me at all. When he was younger he was teased about sexual things and he claims it's why but I don't know... what if he is just using it as an excuse not to be with me because he doesn't like me at all? We never do anything and I don't dare to bring it up even, he says he doesn't watch porn so I don't understand. His sexual drive seem fine before we met, although he did start taking antidepressants around the same time. I know they probably are part of the problem, but I feel like I'm also not attractive enough for him. Maybe if he was with someone else he would feel better about this. This makes me so insecure about my appearance, it affects my life and makes me think I'm not worth anyone at all. Sometimes I don't even want anyone at school to look at me because I feel so unattractive. I tried telling him how bad I feel about it but he just makes me feel like I'm pressuring him. I don't even care if we don't do these things, I just want him to make me feel sexy, like he actually wants me, but he never does and he claims that's not true. He never compliments me unless I ask him directly, he never seems horny or anything. He is just so.. indifferent or really mad at me. He says many things but acts differently. He says he wants me but acts like it's boring being around me, he says he loves me but he is never there for me when I need him, he says I make him happy yet he seems miserable around me, he says he doesn't want to leave me but he ignores me so often I rarely talk to him anymore.. and it seems fine to him.. we used to talk all the time, and now we talk a few hours here and there. I recently let him be for a week and he didn't write. He said he did on Skype but I removed him there so I won't see him online and write. I just wanted him to be alone and get a chance to miss me. If he wanted to contact me he could have used other ways, but he said he wrote on Skype and I didn't answer and that was it.. Sometimes I ask him why he does these things and he just says I don't know and tells me to stop. Tells me he is fed up with saying the same things over and over.. But what am I supposed to do if he never shows it? He doesn't need to say anything to me, but why can't he just show it so I will know? What am I supposed to do if we never are romantically involved, just talk casually? I feel so bad about this, I can't focus on anything else. I am falling behind on my studies, I ignore everything the moment he wants to talk, and yes I realise how pathetic that makes me, but this has been the only light in my life. Without it everything feels so dark, which it does right now. But for him everything seems fine. He started uni and he just started studying with others so I'm assuming he is making friends. Female friends, and it makes me really jealous because I don't know how to trust him when he acts so indifferent. I don't think he would cheat but I'm afraid he will leave me for someone else, or realise I'm not good enough and go. I know most of what I have described is from my perspective and I am a really insecure person. I just feel so frustrated and I don't know what to do or what to think. He acts so different from what he says and it makes me so confused. I told him many times he can leave me if he doesn't feel that he loves me anymore and he says he doesn't want to do that and that he loves me the same way still. I just don't understand what he wants from me.. he says he wants me to trust him but how can I when he treats me like crap? I think he wants to force it out of me because he thinks it's been far too long for me to still not trust him, I did trust him in some ways, but when it came to trusting him around other girls I was and am really bad at it. Even though he never really did anything. I don't know... I don't know what I want to hear even... did any of you go through something similar? I just don't know what to do anymore... I spent 4 hours crying over this now and writing to him but he just ignored me. I feel so bad and humiliated when he ignores me. I feel that he is not the person I fell in love with anymore, and sometimes I mourn him like he passed away.. I'm sorry for this fuzzy text, I'm really tired and I can't hold myself together... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 I'm really glad you recognise that he's no longer the guy you fell in love with. Now the question is: as you are clearly unhappy with the relationship, why are you still in a relationship him? Link to post Share on other sites
xyz12345 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Just wanted to show support as I'm in a similar situation. Hopefully yours works out. It's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and we haven't met much because of different obstacles, we live far away, family doesn't know of him and wouldn't approve, money etc.. More than a year ago he started changing alot towards me.. he became more cold. Now I feel that our relationship has hit the rock bottom. I don't know if you can even call it a relationship at this point. I barely talk to him because he always ignores me.. he doesn't seem to miss me but he says he does. He isn't interested in us talking like he used to, he just seems like he is sick of doing the same things. If I am in any way negative, be it about me or us, he immediately takes the opportunity to leave. He doesn't have anything to say to me most of the time. I feel so invisible and unattractive, he never wants to see me on cam, never wants to have phonesex with me. He says it makes him uncomfortable. We haven't even had sex yet, when we tried last time we met, he didn't want to at all. He says he has issues with it, but I'm afraid it's just me who is wrong and he doesn't like me at all. When he was younger he was teased about sexual things and he claims it's why but I don't know... what if he is just using it as an excuse not to be with me because he doesn't like me at all? We never do anything and I don't dare to bring it up even, he says he doesn't watch porn so I don't understand. His sexual drive seem fine before we met, although he did start taking antidepressants around the same time. I know they probably are part of the problem, but I feel like I'm also not attractive enough for him. Maybe if he was with someone else he would feel better about this. This makes me so insecure about my appearance, it affects my life and makes me think I'm not worth anyone at all. Sometimes I don't even want anyone at school to look at me because I feel so unattractive. I tried telling him how bad I feel about it but he just makes me feel like I'm pressuring him. I don't even care if we don't do these things, I just want him to make me feel sexy, like he actually wants me, but he never does and he claims that's not true. He never compliments me unless I ask him directly, he never seems horny or anything. He is just so.. indifferent or really mad at me. He says many things but acts differently. He says he wants me but acts like it's boring being around me, he says he loves me but he is never there for me when I need him, he says I make him happy yet he seems miserable around me, he says he doesn't want to leave me but he ignores me so often I rarely talk to him anymore.. and it seems fine to him.. we used to talk all the time, and now we talk a few hours here and there. I recently let him be for a week and he didn't write. He said he did on Skype but I removed him there so I won't see him online and write. I just wanted him to be alone and get a chance to miss me. If he wanted to contact me he could have used other ways, but he said he wrote on Skype and I didn't answer and that was it.. Sometimes I ask him why he does these things and he just says I don't know and tells me to stop. Tells me he is fed up with saying the same things over and over.. But what am I supposed to do if he never shows it? He doesn't need to say anything to me, but why can't he just show it so I will know? What am I supposed to do if we never are romantically involved, just talk casually? I feel so bad about this, I can't focus on anything else. I am falling behind on my studies, I ignore everything the moment he wants to talk, and yes I realise how pathetic that makes me, but this has been the only light in my life. Without it everything feels so dark, which it does right now. But for him everything seems fine. He started uni and he just started studying with others so I'm assuming he is making friends. Female friends, and it makes me really jealous because I don't know how to trust him when he acts so indifferent. I don't think he would cheat but I'm afraid he will leave me for someone else, or realise I'm not good enough and go. I know most of what I have described is from my perspective and I am a really insecure person. I just feel so frustrated and I don't know what to do or what to think. He acts so different from what he says and it makes me so confused. I told him many times he can leave me if he doesn't feel that he loves me anymore and he says he doesn't want to do that and that he loves me the same way still. I just don't understand what he wants from me.. he says he wants me to trust him but how can I when he treats me like crap? I think he wants to force it out of me because he thinks it's been far too long for me to still not trust him, I did trust him in some ways, but when it came to trusting him around other girls I was and am really bad at it. Even though he never really did anything. I don't know... I don't know what I want to hear even... did any of you go through something similar? I just don't know what to do anymore... I spent 4 hours crying over this now and writing to him but he just ignored me. I feel so bad and humiliated when he ignores me. I feel that he is not the person I fell in love with anymore, and sometimes I mourn him like he passed away.. I'm sorry for this fuzzy text, I'm really tired and I can't hold myself together... When a man's words are not backed up by action, he's just giving you lip service to shut you up. But what am I supposed to do if he never shows it? - You go out and find someone who will show it. End this trainwreck and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You are tired because you're doing all the work, the stressing, the crying. Don't do it anymore. Cut him off like he has cut you off. And, don't say "but I love him". You don't love him, you love the man you wish he would be. This is not a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 How much longer are you going to stay with him before you break up and move on to someone who wants you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author troope Posted November 9, 2016 Author Share Posted November 9, 2016 I'm really glad you recognise that he's no longer the guy you fell in love with. Now the question is: as you are clearly unhappy with the relationship, why are you still in a relationship him? Because I'm hoping with time he will be the same again.. he says he still loves me and have hope for us, but he is sick of things never changing and he is frustrated. When I say he can be with someone else he says no one else is you. It just makes me think it can be redeemed but at the same time this hurts me deeply. I feel he isn't so interested in me even though he says these things, he is just cold but maybe it will get better with time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author troope Posted November 9, 2016 Author Share Posted November 9, 2016 I must sound so naive.. and maybe I am. But he used to be one of the kindest people I ever met for him to sit and lie to me and not mean the things he tells me now. What would he gain from being with me if he doesn't want me? At the same time, why is he never showing me the things he says? This is so confusing.. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 He keeps you around because it's good for his ego. He likes knowing you will give him attention, when it suits him. This isn't a relationship anymore, OP. It's already done and over, but neither of you has actually said it yet. Don't waste any more of your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 (edited) I must sound so naive.. and maybe I am. But he used to be one of the kindest people I ever met for him to sit and lie to me and not mean the things he tells me now. What would he gain from being with me if he doesn't want me? At the same time, why is he never showing me the things he says? This is so confusing.. He doesn't want YOU, he wants whatever it is you do for him without reciprocating. And, like you, I'd say, he feels it's easier to stay in it than to face the unknown of being on his own, the work involved in getting to that point. Some people are comfortable with the uncomfortable because it's familiar and somewhat predictable. why is he never showing me the things he says? -- Because what he says is, as I said earlier, lip service so as to at least maintain the status quo. It's manipulation and control. This is so confusing.. -- It's confusing because you are trying to be in HIS head and figure him out. It will stop being confusing when you start focusing on YOU and your needs and realizing that he cannot/does not want to meet your needs and has checked out of the relationship emotionally. It's also confusing because you feel as though you have no control and, you don't. So take that pressure off of yourself. I must sound so naive -- I doubt that you are naive. What you are is externally focused on the relationship/him instead of focusing inward and coming to terms with the fact that you are unhappy and that you need to take control for yourself instead of giving him control over your life. You cannot change or control him. What you can control is YOU. Edited November 9, 2016 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author troope Posted November 9, 2016 Author Share Posted November 9, 2016 He broke up with me, so I guess this isn't an issue anymore. Lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darien 76 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Hi Troop, I just read your post and wanted to see how you are doing and give you some support. My impression is that you have been getting less than you deserve in this relationship, so it ending is best despite the initial pain you will feel. What was his reason? Keep your chin up... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I know it hurts, but it's for the best. You're now free to find a man who treats you how you want to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Because I'm hoping with time he will be the same again.. he says he still loves me and have hope for us, but he is sick of things never changing and he is frustrated. When I say he can be with someone else he says no one else is you. It just makes me think it can be redeemed but at the same time this hurts me deeply. I feel he isn't so interested in me even though he says these things, he is just cold but maybe it will get better with time? After 3 years, it's not going to get any better. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard, full of pain, full of questions and confusion. End it. Grieve the loss and move on. There's a great guy out there for you who will treat you with love, respect and care. Link to post Share on other sites
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