Beginning of LDR and wondering whether to go all in or not

[margaery]

About 2 months ago, I was in a toxic relationship which should have ended years before it did (if you look at my old posts you'll quickly understand why)...

Out of spite and boredom, I created an Okcupid account, and everything I wrote in it was genuine except my location (I planned on sending some flirtatious messages to boost my ego, not on actually meeting anyone!).

 

That was the starting point of everything. After that, everything went so fast and kind of spiraled out of control. I messaged this cute guy, and hours, days, weeks later, we were still talking - everyday, all day.

A few days into talking to this guy while I was still dating my boyfriend, I felt so terribly guilty, because I was enjoying it so much, and it was clear to me I would rather break up than stop talking to the new guy (which by the way, lives 4000 miles away!). I was barely eating for the whole week, but whenever the new guy, let's call him Max, would talk to me, I would get butterflies.

We talked about our lives, our jobs, we would send each other drawings, videos, pictures, and videochat. From the very beginning I was honest to him about where I actually lived, so as much as we liked each other, a relationship seemed impossible.

But... the connection was so great, that 2 weeks into talking to each other, I bought plane tickets to visit him. We talked for another month until I was finally able to visit, and he dropped the L bomb, and talked about getting married so I could move to his country... I was being cautious to meet him before I would say something like that.

 

I just came back from 5 days with him. They were, in all honesty, the most amazing days of my entire life. I was surprised by how he'd constantly hold my hands, kiss and hug in public and he acted very loving. As for the rest it was just like our online conversations, we have a similar sense of humor and laughed at everything together.

I only have a few more months to study before I graduate and I'd actually seriously consider moving to him and marrying him so we can be together.

 

But...

I am afraid. I know I am dedicated enough. I don't know if he is. I don't know if I can/should trust him. He treated me so well when I was there, but when I'm away I have no idea what happens...

I was also extremely annoyed with the fact there is that one girl that texts him alllll the time. He said she's his best friend and he is not attracted to her, but they text in almost a flirtatious way, like, she randomly texts him "wyd" when we were together, or "I wish you were coming to the party tomorrow :(", or I see him text her, "I'll send you videos". And I am SO jealous.

I know that any girl living nearby will have that huge advantage on me.

There's also the fact that Max is still active on Okcupid

And I know he was feeling lonely and wishing he had a girlfriend...

 

I don't know if these things should matter or if I'm being paranoid...

I'm going crazy over this. I'm scared to give away my trust completely and get my heart absolutely shattered, so instead I just imagine the worst scenarios and reject him/get mad at him sometimes when he doesn't really deserve it.

 

Edit:

It really doesn't help that he is really not good with talking about his feelings. When I suggested going exclusive at least until we meet, he told me, "weren't we already doing that?"; a lot of times he assumes I know things he never actually told me...

I want us to have a talk but with the time difference I can only talk to him while he's at work, or in the weekends...

Edited November 8, 2016 by margaery

[hippychick3]

Sweetie, if he is still on OK Cupid, you are not exclusive.

 

The truth is that you don't really know this guy. You are infatuated and living in a fantasy world right now. As wonderful as your meeting went, guard your heart very carefully. I would not commit myself to someone living in another country who I've only met once and is still active on a dating website.

[margaery]

Sweetie, if he is still on OK Cupid, you are not exclusive.

 

The truth is that you don't really know this guy. You are infatuated and living in a fantasy world right now. As wonderful as your meeting went, guard your heart very carefully. I would not commit myself to someone living in another country who I've only met once and is still active on a dating website.

 

He says he doesn't want to date other people though? :/

edit: made a fake profile as bait, he messaged her...... let me see how far he goes. God I didn't know people could be so disgenuous, I told him many times I needed him to be clear on whether or not he intended to still see other people and he said he didn't want to. Why couldn't he just tell the truth. This is breaking my heart already

Edited November 8, 2016 by margaery