Our relationship fell apart months ago but new issues are arising.

[mkjns]

I have a problem that I need some advice with.

 

I've been working at this current workplace for four years now and I met a new coworker a little over a year ago. I told myself not to get involved, and for quite some time, I didn't. We established a friendship and it kind of stuck there. After a couple months of getting to know her, she began to move closer to me in the sense of getting up to talk to me, sitting around me, inviting me to spend time around her at work, etc. She even started to take interest in the things I do outside of work.

 

We had a staff Christmas party last year and she convinced me to go - she insisted on having my number so she could push me to go. I went and she got pretty drunk. We hung out that night, talked, shared stories, and toward the end of the night, she came up to me and hugged me while saying "I love you." She then told me she wanted to hang out during our time off, which we did.

 

So, in January, she began treating me like we were together - encouraging me to come out with her after work, wanting me to come over and spend time with her, all those things. She joined one of the activities I am a part of after work, too, as she was interested in participating.

 

Then, in February, she invited me to hang out one day. We did that, and then went to hang out with some of our coworkers. Turns out, she let it slip that day that she had started seeing someone else and she hadn't told me. It was at that point that I felt humiliated and decided to cut all contact.

 

She came to me after that fact, trying to have conversations with me about it. I came clean about my feelings and she told me, "Well, I have a boyfriend now and I'm pretty happy." Our second conversation went more to the tune of "I was going to tell you. I was hoping you would support this because I really want him to meet you."

 

She then deleted me from Facebook, saying that I was making things uncomfortable for her. She did issue a friendship request a few weeks after, which I declined. I could not stand seeing a profile picture of her and him popping up every time I log in.

 

So, the past few months have been me avoiding her, staying away from her for my own good. She even told me that my avoiding her was hurting her, but I feel there is no choice. It's been relatively quiet between her and I at work, we don't talk unless we absolutely have to.

 

I've noticed though in the past month that her behavior has changed. She seems somewhat miserable. She seems more isolated at work, and with the activity she joined after work, she won't interact with anyone. She shows up late and leaves as soon as she can. The last few weeks she hasn't been going.

 

She's also been having difficulties doing her job as well. When we were on good terms, I helped her get through it, hoping to give her the skills to get the job done. She's been struggling since then, almost like it's a downward spiral. As for me, I've been pretty focused and on task. Ignoring her has been a positive effect on my productivity.

 

I'm not sure how I should approach this. I'm definitely on the "It's not my problem" side of things, but I'm not sure if it's my responsibility to try to deal with it. I know she's still with him. By the way, I'm 29, and she is 26.

[Imajerk17]

Your relationship didn't "fall apart", it never was to begin with.

 

This woman sounds like a train-wreck, and she is not your responsibility. She was the one who got herself into this mess. Keep on keeping your distance.

[Satu]

snip

I'm not sure how I should approach this. I'm definitely on the "It's not my problem" side of things, but I'm not sure if it's my responsibility to try to deal with it. I know she's still with him. By the way, I'm 29, and she is 26.

 

It really isn't your problem.

 

She's obviously a troubled person, but she has to fix that, and it will take years.

 

You have to think about with yourself - building a good life and career, bringing yourself to your full potential as a human being.

 

You're obviously an empathetic and compassionate person, but in this case, it would be unwise to give much attention to her.

 

Don't go further than basic civility and necessary communication in the workplace.

 

 

Take care.

[spideywoman]

Definitely not your problem. I agree that she has issues that preceded you and will continue for some time, until she realizes it and either gets help or tries to address them on her own. it doesn't sound like she's capable of having a healthy relationship. you sound like you have a proper head on your shoulders.

 

avoid the drama, stay away. don't let her drag you back in to her cycle of absurdity.

 

good luck.

[mkjns]

I agree with your replies. I actually think a hands-off approach is best because so far it has helped my personal and professional life.

 

I have learned through through my coworkers that he did lose his job a while back and hasn't managed to find another one.

[Herbalist]

For the sake of reflection, though, I would like to add that she was probably interested in you but you never made a move despite her throwing tons of signs at you. Since it made you so upset when you found out she had a boyfriend, it sounds like you were interested for a long time and got invested, but never actually went for it. Funny how the universe works since it might have been a bullet dodged regardless, but in the future if you meet a more stable person and you get very interested, don't wait so long.

[preraph]

^ That's what I was thinking. No mention of actually being romantic, but maybe he just skipped that part.

[mkjns]

I did skip that part unintentionally, actually. I did try to be romantic, and at times she reciprocated. There was definitely also a very flirty nature between her and I. At times she would become very flirty with me. "Oh, my boots won't latch up. Will you be my repair man?" seems to come to mind when I think about it. I've also capitalized with telling her personal stories during the times we were alone, too.

 

It's ironic though, because right when she met this guy, I was beginning to advance and move closer to her, and she could see that. I had gotten her a gift for her birthday, which was in February, which she really liked. I think she kind of got the hint that I was getting close to asking her, but I didn't want to go too quickly because of the fact that we are coworkers.

 

She had also bothered to involve me in her future plans, like going as her "date" to events she was organizing or already going to.

 

I, too, think it was a matter of being too slow, but I did it out of being coworkers and not wanting to make a mess of the whole thing, which ended up happening anyway.

[preraph]

How many times have you two kissed and at least made out? Latching boots is not romantic. If you haven't been making out with her regularly, then you were never her boyfriend. Friends sometimes buy lunch for each other. Unless you were physical and it was reciprocated (she kissed and touched back), you never had a romantic relationship. If you didn't actively pursue being physical, then she had no reason to think you were a boyfriend. It sounds like you were waiting for something and she got tired of waiting or decided you weren't proactive enough for her or that you weren't interested or able to step up.

Edited November 12, 2016 by preraph