married w/ role reversal problems

[kokiwi]

I have been married for 5 years and we have 3 sons (5,4,3). We have 2 daughters from my husband's previous marriage (19,16) who live with their mom this year after having been with us the previous 5 years. Surprisingly, I am the one who is desperate for more sex and intimacy (hence the title of this message). I am afraid that I am so frustraated that I am now becoming more interested in withdrowing and learning how NOT to need him. Before, I was always desperate just to get closer to him. My fear is that if I succeed in learning how to not be so needy for this sort of attention I will also fall out of love with him. I don't want to be a needy, high-maintenance woman. I want a healthy marriage. I am a dominant, aggressive type. He is a fearful, passive type. We both provide monetarily for our family equally by splitting shift (so that we can take care of our kids ourselves). We only have about 10 waking hours a week together. I am desperate to make those hours count but he doesn't need the same kind of closeness. He is content just to have me near him. I'm not. My famous words are "your presence alone is not enough". I hate being hurtful to him and I feel so hurt by him. If he were able to make me feel wanted I believe we would have a strong marriage. I have begged him to "just bend me over the kitchen counter" - he feels too intimidated. I have spent the past 3 years trying to modify my behavior that he says makes me unapproachable, but it evokes minimal change from him. When he manages to adjust his behaviour and initiate intimacy with me I am transformed. He notices that I don't nag and bitch and am much warmer...so why doesn't he keep it up? Is it unreasonable for me to want him to stop mastubating and come to me instead? (FYI there are no impotency issues...his body is ready when the wind blows...if you know what I mean. Also, he is still attracted to me...I haven't let myself go). Is it unreasonable for me to want him to change his behavior to evoke the changes in my behavior that he wants? I've tried to do it on my own but I get so resentful when he doesn't respond. Cheating is not an issue here...we were an affair and have both been involved in cheating prior to our relationship. We are crystal clear on the effects and the process. Thank you for any and all responses.

[Ed]

I really wish I had something to say that I felt would help lead you in the right direction. I am kind of at a loss, but I did not want this post to go without a response.

 

I can see that you have several things you want to have addressed. I know this is not a lot of help right now, but my best suggestion is for you to try seeing a marriage counselor.

 

It sounds like you are trying pretty hard to make things work. That's good! You have a lot tied up in this relationship. Just keep trying. I think you are capable of seeing it through to a better time.

[kokiwi]

I really wish I had something to say that

I felt would help lead you in the right direction. I am kind of at a loss, but I did not want this post to go without a response. I can see that you have several things you want to have addressed. I know this is not a lot of help right now, but my best suggestion is for you to try seeing a marriage counselor. It sounds like you are trying pretty hard to make things work. That's good! You have a lot tied up in this relationship. Just keep trying. I think you are capable of seeing it through to a better time.

 

Thanks, Ed, for your response...it was encouraging and both my husband and I appreciated it. Hopefully someone will have some specific suggestions for us. We know that marriage counseling could be helpful but due to our work schedules we find it difficult to want to start that process. If things get any worse we will have to make that option work. In the meantime, we were hoping for some unbiased input. Thanks again for your time!

[Bubbles]

I have been married for 5 years and we have 3 sons (5,4,3). We have 2 daughters from my husband's previous marriage (19,16) who live with their mom this year after having been with us the previous 5 years. Surprisingly, I am the one who is desperate for more sex and intimacy (hence the title of this message). I am afraid that I am so frustraated that I am now becoming more interested in withdrowing and learning how NOT to need him. Before, I was always desperate just to get closer to him. My fear is that if I succeed in learning how to not be so needy for this sort of attention I will also fall out of love with him. I don't want to be a needy, high-maintenance woman. I want a healthy marriage. I am a dominant, aggressive type. He is a fearful, passive type. We both provide monetarily for our family equally by splitting shift (so that we can take care of our kids ourselves). We only have about 10 waking hours a week together. I am desperate to make those hours count but he doesn't need the same kind of closeness. He is content just to have me near him. I'm not. My famous words are "your presence alone is not enough". I hate being hurtful to him and I feel so hurt by him. If he were able to make me feel wanted I believe we would have a strong marriage. I have begged him to "just bend me over the kitchen counter" - he feels too intimidated. I have spent the past 3 years trying to modify my behavior that he says makes me unapproachable, but it evokes minimal change from him. When he manages to adjust his behaviour and initiate intimacy with me I am transformed. He notices that I don't nag and bitch and am much warmer...so why doesn't he keep it up? Is it unreasonable for me to want him to stop mastubating and come to me instead? (FYI there are no impotency issues...his body is ready when the wind blows...if you know what I mean. Also, he is still attracted to me...I haven't let myself go). Is it unreasonable for me to want him to change his behavior to evoke the changes in my behavior that he wants? I've tried to do it on my own but I get so resentful when he doesn't respond. Cheating is not an issue here...we were an affair and have both been involved in cheating prior to our relationship. We are crystal clear on the effects and the process. Thank you for any and all responses.

 

Hey Kokiwi,

 

It sounds to me that your spouce is bored. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you; but his desire for you has changed and I think he's looking for something out of you and you don't know what it is, I wonder if he knows what it is that he is looking for from you???? Please don't sit back now and say "well, maybe he's not looking for anything from me!" That may not be at all true, sometimes as we get older, our sexual desires change, if he feels that you are unapproachable - possibly when he makes advances towards you he would like you to respond different verbally. By that I mean to "role play" with him. Call him "daddy","master","big daddy big rigger" who knows what he might like. Or maybe he would like to come home and find you "looking fine and ready to take him on!!!". Talk with your spouce about this maybe he has some fantacies that he hasn't shared with you and remember this when you do ask...."If you are ready to pose the question - you must be ready for the answer! whether it is what you want to hear or not!"

 

Good Conversation makes for Good Sex!!!

 

Bubbles

[kokiwi]

Hey Kokiwi, It sounds to me that your spouce is bored. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you; but his desire for you has changed and I think he's looking for something out of you and you don't know what it is, I wonder if he knows what it is that he is looking for from you???? Please don't sit back now and say "well, maybe he's not looking for anything from me!" That may not be at all true, sometimes as we get older, our sexual desires change, if he feels that you are unapproachable - possibly when he makes advances towards you he would like you to respond different verbally. By that I mean to "role play" with him. Call him "daddy","master","big daddy big rigger" who knows what he might like. Or maybe he would like to come home and find you "looking fine and ready to take him on!!!". Talk with your spouce about this maybe he has some fantacies that he hasn't shared with you and remember this when you do ask...."If you are ready to pose the question - you must be ready for the answer! whether it is what you want to hear or not!" Good Conversation makes for Good Sex!!! Bubbles

Hey, Bubbles! I completely missed your response until now! Thank you for taking your time to give us some feedback. Good insight on your part. Unfortunately, that's not it, though. We've talked about fantasies lots of times and we're very open with each other. We both want more sex and like intensity but neither of us is into anything funky (at least we're a good match THAT way!). I used to have a bunch of lingerie but he says he likes me better "natural". He also hates role-playing. We had a long talk last night and the conclusion was that he wanted to just try to be more affectionate. He's hoping that if he initiates more I will not be so cranky. I've told him that I believe this to be true but he's never been motivated enough to give it a fair shot. I think he's sees my desperation and is feeling like we'd better get things organized or else I'm going to lose my mind! I know that it always takes two, but I'm hopeful that his afffections will evoke more of the behavior he wants from me. If I'm content, he's content. When I'm miserable, I'm the queen at making him miserable, too! We're hoing for the best...that he'll get some perks from more affection and intimacy, as well. Wish us luck!

[Bubbles]

Hey, Bubbles! I completely missed your response until now! Thank you for taking your time to give us some feedback. Good insight on your part. Unfortunately, that's not it, though. We've talked about fantasies lots of times and we're very open with each other. We both want more sex and like intensity but neither of us is into anything funky (at least we're a good match THAT way!). I used to have a bunch of lingerie but he says he likes me better "natural". He also hates role-playing. We had a long talk last night and the conclusion was that he wanted to just try to be more affectionate. He's hoping that if he initiates more I will not be so cranky. I've told him that I believe this to be true but he's never been motivated enough to give it a fair shot. I think he's sees my desperation and is feeling like we'd better get things organized or else I'm going to lose my mind! I know that it always takes two, but I'm hopeful that his afffections will evoke more of the behavior he wants from me. If I'm content, he's content. When I'm miserable, I'm the queen at making him miserable, too! We're hoing for the best...that he'll get some perks from more affection and intimacy, as well. Wish us luck!

Well, I'm so very happy for the both of you. You know I have to admire how you both can sit down and talk about your problems ( most guys can't even admit that there is a problem = venus vs mars kind of thing ) I really and truly hope this works out for you, by the sounds of it you have a great guy there and I'm glad that it isn't going to take any "kinky stuff" you're a lucky girl. Most of us don't get off that easy. Take care of eachother, 'cause no one else gives a damn - Except us at LOVESHACK!

 

Bubbles