Need to get to talk to someone

[Karla 90]

Would like to talk to anybody who could help with working through a betrayal in a relationship

Edited November 8, 2016 by Karla 90
Would rather not share so much personal information before responses received

[Friskyone4u]

Karla,

 

You will get help and advice but from what you posted no one knows whether you cheater or your partner or spouse did. The advice will be different.

[aileD]

Hi there....can you give us a little more info?

 

Maybe just answer these-

 

How long together? Married or not? Ages?

 

What was the betrayal?

 

Where is the relationship now?

[Karla 90]

Hello,

 

Thanks for replying. I originally posted a long posted and then panicked about not being able to delete it because it had quite personal information.

 

In that post I shared a little about me... I guess it was to give some insight into how I handled the situation I was in. A quick background on that is that I have a condition that is rare and for the last 10 years I have been concealing it. 10 years prior to finding a way to conceal it- I used to self harm as I didn't know how to vocalise that I hated the sight of myself .... especially to my parents that created me. I felt so ashamed and guilty for thi. Eventually they found out but instead of dealing with it properly I found a band aid solution to conceal how I look. This works insofar as no one stares or name calls etc anymore. From my experience what I learnt is that I issue with needing to please people, being accepted and fearing rejection.

 

Anyway, on my relationship.

I am 25 and have been with my boyfriend for around 3.5 years. Early problems when we dated that I guess I never dealt with and rug swept out of fear of loosing him. Moving forward to about a year ago I was stupid enough to open up to an supvisor at work. I didn't realise at the time that he had feelings for me. He began to pursue me and I let it go on. I admit that I liked to talking to him and because I was generally feeling unhappy in my life and my relationship this distracted me. However, what I don't understand is that I felt uncomfortable when he would touch me yet I still let it go on.

 

I saw him on a couple of occasions when he would kiss me and it never extended to sex. I stated many times that I did not want to continue to hurt my boyfriend and that I was feeling guilty. This is stupid but I felt worried about rejecting him and he would make feel bad when I wouldn't see him or show enough emotion so I kept going to please him. And I guess because I was flattered.

 

Got to a point where I couldn't be nice anymore and was firm in my attempt to end it. I then confessed to my boyfriend and I remember that day so clearly. It makes me sick to my stomach what I have done to him and our relationship. He did not deserve any of this.

 

My boyfriend has found it in his heart to continue to work on our relationship. I guess I just still struggle with the mess I made and the terrible decisions I made.

I have been in IC and have learnt a lot boundaries and about my own issues.

 

I don't want sympathy just somewhere to talk because I don't have people to talk to.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack, Karla

 

You now have someone to talk to.

 

Post as often as you like.

 

Its good that you're in IC; thats someone else you can talk to, albeit in a special setting.

 

Sooner or later you'll need to forgive yourself - not just for your benefit, but for the healing of your relationship. You can't force that, but it should be one of your goals.

 

 

There is a book I'd like to recommend to you:

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self Paperback – 1 Jul 1993

by Charles L. Whitfield.

 

Publisher: Health Communications; First Edition edition (1 July 1993)

 

ISBN-10: 155874259X

ISBN-13: 978-1558742598

 

"More than personal boundaries, this book is really about relationships--healthy and unhealthy ones. Here bestselling author and psychotherapist Charles Whitfield blends theories and dynamics from several disciplines into practical knowledge and actions that your can use in your relationships right now.

 

This comprehensive book opens with clear definitions and descriptions of boundaries, a self-assessment survey and a history of our accumulated knowledge. Going deeper, it describes the 10 essential areas of human interaction wherein you can improve your relationships. These include age regression, giving and receiving (projection and projective identification), triangles, core recovery issues, basic dynamics, unfinished business and spirituality. It shows in countless practical ways how knowledge of each of these is most useful in your recovery and everyday life."

 

 

Take care.

[Friskyone4u]

Karla,

 

OK, it's great your boyfriend is trying to work through this. And you confessing has helped that rather than being caught.

 

The big issue here is that is this supervisor still with you at work and is he still trying to get in your pants. Most of the literature will tell you that you CANNOT continue to be in a workplace with an affair partner.

 

If that is the case, no matter what your boyfriend wants to do every time you walk out the door to spend 8-10 hours around this man he will be wondering if anythin g is happening.

 

So what is the status of supervisor and how are you handling it. If you have any idea that you can still be friends with this guy forget it

[Karla 90]

Thank you for the recommendation form the book, I will get it to read.

 

I was actually a student in the setting and my time at the organisation has finished. I have blocked this persons from being able to contact me and have no contact with them since the beginning of year when i sent a final NC message to him.

 

I have no intention of ever speaking or seeing him again and the thought of ever bumping into him again makes me feel physically sick. If that ever happens i will be running the other way.

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you for the recommendation form the book, I will get it to read.

 

I was actually a student in the setting and my time at the organisation has finished. I have blocked this persons from being able to contact me and have no contact with them since the beginning of year when i sent a final NC message to him.

 

I have no intention of ever speaking or seeing him again and the thought of ever bumping into him again makes me feel physically sick. If that ever happens i will be running the other way.

 

Karla,

 

So far you are doing everything right. But you must just try to be totally honest with your boyfriend, and understand that you cannot control the outcome because trying to do that leads to manipulation and untruth.

 

two other books you might get are

 

: Not Just friends" - which will also explain to you how folks in committed relationships easily slip into affairs

 

"How To Help Your Spouse healt From An Affair"

 

The fact that you feel how you do about not wanting any more contact, if that is truthful, means you have very little chance of re-offending with this guy. So now you have to be a transparent, accountable partner, answer all the questions even if they are repeated, and hold nothing back.

 

Your chances of coming through this are better than most.

[Karla 90]

Thank you for recommending that book- I read that book earlier in the year when this was all fresh.

 

I have been doing everything I can to try and make things right with my partner. I never realised how much pain I could cause someone and after going through that with him I will never make the same terrible decisions ever again.

 

What I have been doing for my partner since it all happened has been providing him with the dates I saw the man and what occurred on those days. I have answered the questions that he has asked the best I can.

 

I cut a friend out of my life who was an enabler of the situation and have never contacted her again. I really do have no intention or temptation to ever contact the man again. Sending my firm final text was a relief for me and I felt like I really got the message through to him that day.

 

I got into counselling straight away. I was so worried about my boyfriends wellbeing (because he didn't talk to anyone about it that I have paid for him to have some IC from a psychologist)

 

And I have also just realised of much of better girlfriend I need to be generally and have been making sure I am doing everything to make him feel comfortable and safe with me.

 

I let him know he can talk to me about it whenever he wants and that I am here to answer his questions if more come up. He doesn't like to talk about it anymore so I don't push it. I just scared of rugg sweeping and him carrying a huge amount of resent with him that surfaces at a later date. This is because I know this happened with me. At the end of day I understand if we don't work out it is because I what I did and I have accept that. My fingers are crossed that we do. My reason for confessing was that it was unfair of me to continue in a relationship with this big secret... we are getting older and I couldn't go forward into marrying someone without them knowing what I had done. We are not engaged or anything but I couldn't live with myself if he didn't know this about m. I realised I made the mess and had to face up the consequences for my actions and it wouldn't fair to rid someone of making their own choice about their future.

 

We have been doing pretty well I guess I just still struggle with what I have done because it is something I never thought I would do or be involved with.

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you for recommending that book- I read that book earlier in the year when this was all fresh.

 

I have been doing everything I can to try and make things right with my partner. I never realised how much pain I could cause someone and after going through that with him I will never make the same terrible decisions ever again.

 

What I have been doing for my partner since it all happened has been providing him with the dates I saw the man and what occurred on those days. I have answered the questions that he has asked the best I can.

 

I cut a friend out of my life who was an enabler of the situation and have never contacted her again. I really do have no intention or temptation to ever contact the man again. Sending my firm final text was a relief for me and I felt like I really got the message through to him that day.

 

I got into counselling straight away. I was so worried about my boyfriends wellbeing (because he didn't talk to anyone about it that I have paid for him to have some IC from a psychologist)

 

And I have also just realised of much of better girlfriend I need to be generally and have been making sure I am doing everything to make him feel comfortable and safe with me.

 

I let him know he can talk to me about it whenever he wants and that I am here to answer his questions if more come up. He doesn't like to talk about it anymore so I don't push it. I just scared of rugg sweeping and him carrying a huge amount of resent with him that surfaces at a later date. This is because I know this happened with me. At the end of day I understand if we don't work out it is because I what I did and I have accept that. My fingers are crossed that we do. My reason for confessing was that it was unfair of me to continue in a relationship with this big secret... we are getting older and I couldn't go forward into marrying someone without them knowing what I had done. We are not engaged or anything but I couldn't live with myself if he didn't know this about m. I realised I made the mess and had to face up the consequences for my actions and it wouldn't fair to rid someone of making their own choice about their future.

 

We have been doing pretty well I guess I just still struggle with what I have done because it is something I never thought I would do or be involved with.

 

Karla,

 

Holy mackerel. You must have read something because you are doing just about everything right. Let's look at that

(1) you confessed and it appears rather than shift any blame you are feeling terrible about inflicting pain on him. That is called remorse and not regret at the little fling ending. It also shows your character is good realizing carrying this dirty secret would eat you up eventually.

(2) as far as the dates. WRITE out a timeline, take your time, and include EVERYTHING, including what you were feeling. Hold NOTHING BACK. Your boyfriend may not want to see it now but he might in the future and the worst possible answer at that point is " I can't remember". Since you are saying this never went beyond kissing and groping ( make sure that is truthful, oral is sex), no need for a "G" and "X" rated version.

(3) men have a tendency to resist therapy. Do not let him rugsweep this so that a year from now he does not go into a rage about unanswered questions. You are making yourself available for talking. Great move.!!!

(4) REALLY REALLY impressive move to on your own dump this girlfriend. Not sure what you meant by enabler.? I assume you mean encouraged you or covered for you . Toxic friends are poison to reconciliation and doing what is necessary.

(5) As far as not steering the outcome, the unpredictable part of all of this is that some men reconcile with wives or girlfriends who are serial cheaters, and some men dump those that cheat once. If anyone could predict that with accuracy they will become a billionaire overnight.

 

Karla, I know you sent a NC communication. I cannot remember if you still have igt but if you do don't get rid of it in case boyfriend asks to see it. But remember, just because you sent it does not mean OM gives a **** and do not be surprised if he does not come "fishing" again at some point unexpectedly.

 

I assume the enabler girlfriend knows your phone number even though you cut her off, and if any of your other friends know this guy or hang with him but do not know what occurred, they may inadvertently give him a way to contact you again. Just do not be lulled to sleep. Some men do not give up that easily when they are on the cusp of some NSA sex.

 

If you keep doing what you are doing, I will be one very surprised person if you do not survive this episode.

 

One last thing. If you have read you probably know this. DO NOT refer to what you have done as a mistake. Forgetting Tide at the grocery store is a mistake. You made a conscious decision more than once to cross the line that probably involved deceit and lying. That is NOT a mistake. It is what I just described it as, lying and deceit. I believe you accept that and own it which is why you will be hopefully able to reconcile.

[Karla 90]

Hello,

 

I have been doing everything I can to try and make it up to him and just be batter person generally since all this has happened. This experience has really made me reflect on who i am as a person and who i do not want to me.

 

I was writing out a timeline once earlier on and my partner asked me not to do it. He asked me not to kill him with the details so i have told him the main stuff of what he has asked. He knows i saw him a couple of times which involved kissing and that on one occassian more occurred but did not go all the way (sorry i did not mean to mislead you... more occurred once but not full sex). This was obviously the hardest thing i had to admit to but i did and i am saying the honest truth that that was a one time incident where more happened. This didn't happen again because i sent a message after it happened explaining that it was something that could never happen and and that i was upset with myself for even letting it go to that level.

 

I have talked to him about how i was feeling in that time and told him i did like talking to him. My boyfriend asked me if i was going to leave him and the truth was that i had thought about it because i had already betrayed him and gotten myself into this mess that i was having trouble getting out of.

 

i have told my partner things i said that i didn't mean but said because it was easier in that moment to go along with it.

 

we are coming up to a year anniversry since i told him all this stuff. I continue to let him know how terrible i feel for what i have done to him. I still cry and think about my actions daily and about how horribly i screwed up. But i just want him to know that I am here for him and that I know how lucky I am to still have him.

 

Sorry by enabler i mean that she didn't cover for me but she encouraged me and just knew about everything that was going on. My partner told me he is uncomfortable with her o it was an easy choice to cut contact with her. she is deleted and blocked out of my life. It was either him or her and he is more important to me than someone i realise does not share the same values as i do.

 

I do not have the message anymore that i sent but my boyfriend believes i did. I sent to the message fully ending it and asking him not to contact me again and then another informing that i have told my partner and that all i want to do now is focus on making things right with him. I wish i kept the message so i could show my partner but even when i told him he said he didn't need to see it.

 

I have blocked him from being able to call me, Facebook, whatsapp and virtually any way that he could get in touch with me. If he someone does get in contact with me again i will be telling my partner straight away. It actually makes me feel iskc that he might try to do.

 

Although I'm not sure if he would towards the end he said things like i feel like i am harassing you and on the last time i saw him a work my whole body was stiff and he said to me you look really uncomfortable and asked me to get out.

 

But if he does i will tell my partner. I do feel quite ill about it all and quite physically sick when i thin about it he was old enough to be my dad and i kinda still struggle with making sense of what happened.

 

I am ware that i did not make a mistake. They were just really bad choices and i am living with that.

[Friskyone4u]

Hello,

 

I have been doing everything I can to try and make it up to him and just be batter person generally since all this has happened. This experience has really made me reflect on who i am as a person and who i do not want to me.

 

I was writing out a timeline once earlier on and my partner asked me not to do it. He asked me not to kill him with the details so i have told him the main stuff of what he has asked. He knows i saw him a couple of times which involved kissing and that on one occassian more occurred but did not go all the way (sorry i did not mean to mislead you... more occurred once but not full sex). This was obviously the hardest thing i had to admit to but i did and i am saying the honest truth that that was a one time incident where more happened. This didn't happen again because i sent a message after it happened explaining that it was something that could never happen and and that i was upset with myself for even letting it go to that level.

 

I have talked to him about how i was feeling in that time and told him i did like talking to him. My boyfriend asked me if i was going to leave him and the truth was that i had thought about it because i had already betrayed him and gotten myself into this mess that i was having trouble getting out of.

 

i have told my partner things i said that i didn't mean but said because it was easier in that moment to go along with it.

 

we are coming up to a year anniversry since i told him all this stuff. I continue to let him know how terrible i feel for what i have done to him. I still cry and think about my actions daily and about how horribly i screwed up. But i just want him to know that I am here for him and that I know how lucky I am to still have him.

 

Sorry by enabler i mean that she didn't cover for me but she encouraged me and just knew about everything that was going on. My partner told me he is uncomfortable with her o it was an easy choice to cut contact with her. she is deleted and blocked out of my life. It was either him or her and he is more important to me than someone i realise does not share the same values as i do.

 

I do not have the message anymore that i sent but my boyfriend believes i did. I sent to the message fully ending it and asking him not to contact me again and then another informing that i have told my partner and that all i want to do now is focus on making things right with him. I wish i kept the message so i could show my partner but even when i told him he said he didn't need to see it.

 

I have blocked him from being able to call me, Facebook, whatsapp and virtually any way that he could get in touch with me. If he someone does get in contact with me again i will be telling my partner straight away. It actually makes me feel iskc that he might try to do.

 

Although I'm not sure if he would towards the end he said things like i feel like i am harassing you and on the last time i saw him a work my whole body was stiff and he said to me you look really uncomfortable and asked me to get out.

 

But if he does i will tell my partner. I do feel quite ill about it all and quite physically sick when i thin about it he was old enough to be my dad and i kinda still struggle with making sense of what happened.

 

I am ware that i did not make a mistake. They were just really bad choices and i am living with that.

 

Karla,

 

More good moves, but just a couple of suggestions

(1) Boyfriend is rug sweeping. Not good. WRITE THE TIMELINE and put it where you can find it if needed. Remember, "I can't remember" is your worst answer.

(2) Be ACCOUNTABLE. If you are late from coming somewhere or are not on the radar, communicate. You are probably already doing this

(3) I would get rid of all apps that disappear. Do you really need them.

(4) If OM contacts you DO NOT DELETE the contact. Tell boyfriend and TOGETHER decide how to or if to respond. Sometimes, actually, most times, " crickets" are the best response. But if you find he was able to contact you through any "friends" of yours, they need to go or be told what has occurred.

 

If you read the books, and you have I am sure, everything you are doing is better than the alternative.

 

If I was your boyfriends brother or friend I would take him by the collar to therapy with you. MC is good IF the cheating is over and the cheater is remorseful . In your case, both apply.

 

Lastly, one of the things that BH usually have a hard time with, is the question of "do I now know it all". If you get the feeling he is not wanting timeline because he is afraid to find out more, you offer a polygraph. He will decline but just your offer should reassure him because who in the right mind that was hiding the truth would offer up unsolicited a test that could prove them to be lying.

Hope you make it

Edited November 9, 2016 by Friskyone4u

[Logan787]

Have you found someone to talk to or found any answers to your questions?

[Karla 90]

I thought I would post an update.

Me and my partner are still together and he amazes me everyday that he could find within himself to stay with me despite what I have done. I do not feel deserving of it at all because I still struggle with the fact that I could do what I did in the first place.

 

He doesn't like to talk about it anymore in terms of details or what I talked the the other guy about but he already know general gist because I told him early on. I don't know a part of me feel like because he hurt me early on in our relationship that he just wants to move on from it and see it as if we both screwed up - although I did worse.

 

It's been a fought year 18 months for him November 2016 we lost his mum suddenly and my heart just aches for him. He had such a special relationship with her and the whole thing was really traumatic, his bravery to just keep going is something that I admire.

 

I still think about what I did to him everyday and often find myself crying alone wishing that things could have been different and that I put him through this.

One of the only positive things I can take from this is that it has made me self reflect and examine myself - pretty much daily. I don't know if it's verging on unhealthy or not but I feel such guilt all the time after conversations I have with people and replay over what I said wondering if it was the wrong thing. I mean even conversations with my girlfriends. I just am working on my boundaries - guess I didn't realise how loose they were before this mess. Something in me has changed - oi am not the same person I was before but o guess that is a good thing.

[Space Ritual]

You know, rarely have I ever come across someone that came here that not only took immediate ownership for their actions, but also showed true initiative to attempt to become a safe partner and a better person.

 

I want to commend you for your efforts. Especially doing so with no guarantees that the relationship would survive. So many cheaters can't or won't do the hard work because of that one fact...that there are no guarantees.

 

At the very least you can pat yourself on the back, but always keep in mind this will always be a work in progress.

 

Good Luck.

[smackie9]

This what growing up means....learning from your mistakes, and moving forward being a better person for it