6 months since break up, too many mixed signals to count. Hard not to have hope

[toastytiger]

I don't even know where to begin with all the confusing things my ex has done and said.

 

He broke up with me end of April, he said he wasn't feeling totally met for various ambiguous reasons, then he started dating someone immediately. They began hanging out while we were still together and you could say he left me for her.

 

In the past several months, a number of things have happened. We've waffled back and forth between being "friends" and no-contact. I'm the one asking for space. We go on short stretches of no or limited contact and then we somehow run into each other or he contacts me.

 

June-August, we hung out a few times, did a massage trade twice, went to shows together. He said he missed me. He mentioned having conflict with the new woman he's seeing. He also said he was doubting in relationship at another time.

 

September, few weeks of very limited contact go by and then I get a text from him while out of town saying "I just had a profound and hilarious experience that I'd like to share" and asked to meet in person to chat. Anyone who still has feelings for their ex would at least entertain the thought that he was talking about getting back together... which I did.

 

We met up a few weeks after that text, in October when I got back to town, and he said he forgot what it was that he wanted to share... (not sure if I believe that) He was trying to remember what it was and when he finally did, it felt made up on the spot.

He also shared again that he was fighting a lot with his new gf. Before I left I told him that I really can't continue being his friend because it's confusing and not serving me. He didn't like the idea, but respected it. He also said near the end "I'm wanting to be really clear with you so I won't share my inner conflict" (wtf?)

 

Then 17 days of zero contact go by, probably our record... And I run into him at an event and we eventually danced together. At the end we were laying on the ground, heads touching, there was a prompt to say one word out loud about how you're feeling and he said "home." Very next day I unintentionally run into him twice at random places, I tried to keep things as brief as possible feeling like I had already opened the door too much again. He mentioned that the dance we shared was the best dance he's had in months.

 

Then last week or so, i run into him again (we are kind of in the same social event circles) We talked shortly, and he was quick to be really transparent about feeling really sad and lonely. He said he's taking space from the person he's seeing. He kept saying the whole time, in different ways, how he didn't want to say what he was thinking because he didn't want to hurt me/confuse me. (which is confusing in itself) He seemed pretty depressed and I felt bad for him. He asked if he was hurting me in the moment and it seemed genuine that he didn't want to cause me more pain. I candidly expressed that the break up was a traumatizing experience for me. He mention being sorry somewhere in there. He also said he's been imagining us hanging out together, he's curious about my life, waiting for me to be ready to be friends, etc. He also asked at one point, "why did we break up again?" A lot was said, but I won't list it all.

 

I reached out impulsively a few days ago to have tea together. My first time initiating contact. I feel bad sending my own mixed signals about not wanting to be friends, then acting differently. We're all human! We ended up only seeing each other for like 20 min. He seems like he's in a pretty low state in his life right now, and my impulse is to care for him...But i know i'm not responsible in that way.

 

Basically, he's confused and trying not to string me along, but is sucking at it. And I'm confused and trying not to string myself along, an am sucking at it.

 

I have no idea where this is going.

 

I'm feeling very careful and vigilant. I know I am continually learning and I really want to do what is best for myself.

Edited November 8, 2016 by toastytiger

[toastytiger]

Still feeling challenged by this, and any thoughts are greatly appreciated – but I will say that Trump being president is making my personal relationship drama feel much smaller.

[Satu]

Have some self respect.

 

Let the end be an end.

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

Basically, he's confused and trying not to string me along, but is sucking at it. And I'm confused and trying not to string myself along, an am sucking at it.

 

When he was with you, he chose someone else. When he was having trouble with the someone else, he still didn't chose you. Now that he is not with the someone else, he's still not choosing you. Accept that you are someone that he uses as a soft spot to land, and that is all it is. Probably likes the attention and the familiarity he has with you, but that's about it.

 

I have no idea where this is going.

 

It hasn't been going anywhere. Again, accept it.

 

I'm feeling very careful and vigilant. I know I am continually learning and I really want to do what is best for myself.

 

You aren't doing what's best for you.

 

He also said he's been imagining us hanging out together, he's curious about my life, waiting for me to be ready to be friends, etc.

 

Pay attention.

[toastytiger]

Thank you Satu and Zahara, for your responses now and in the past. I need to be woken up again.

Ugh! It has been such a long, ridiculous, and drawn out process. I'd really like to think I more that "just a soft spot to land" though. That he's not that much of a selfish psychopath. (seriously though, I wonder if he feels actual empathy)

 

But yeah, self-respect is a big lesson. This relationship has been the hardest of my life. I'm so aware of my tendency to hold on.

I'll do my best to go back into no contact... hard when he is so depressed and his bday is coming up next week, but I will try to remember it's not my job to take care of him.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries! But how does one not get hooked by these gigantic breadcrumbs? I notice I'm afraid to fully close the door because his mixed signals are so strong right now.

 

And also... if I'm really honest, maybe I'm only holding on because of the attention and familiarity too....

Edited November 9, 2016 by toastytiger

[Zahara]

I'd really like to think I more that "just a soft spot to land" though. That he's not that much of a selfish psychopath. (seriously though, I wonder if he feels actual empathy)

 

He doesn't have to be a psychopath to enjoy that familiarity with you. The thing is, you are enabling him so he's going to accept whatever it is you are offering him.

 

I'll do my best to go back into no contact... hard when he is so depressed and his bday is coming up next week, but I will try to remember it's not my job to take care of him.

 

Well, he doesn't seem to care that you are hurting. He knows this because he knows you want more with him. Don't be too concerned about being his caretaker. He's a grown man. Your priority is your wellbeing.

 

Boundaries boundaries boundaries! But how does one not get hooked by these gigantic breadcrumbs? I notice I'm afraid to fully close the door because his mixed signals are so strong right now.

 

By blocking them and avoiding any form of contact. If it's mixed signals, move on. If he wants to be with you, he will be clear.

 

And also... if I'm really honest, maybe I'm only holding on because of the attention and familiarity too....

 

You're more emotionally affected though. I don't think he's on a forum expressing his struggle about you. Also, the fact that he started dating someone almost immediately makes me wonder if there was any overlap.

[Satu]

snip

 

And also... if I'm really honest, maybe I'm only holding on because of the attention and familiarity too....

 

The thing is, you're holding onto empty air.

 

Empty air can't break your fall.

 

Let this non-relationship go.

 

Adjust your view of your life by placing your centre firmly within yourself.

 

He's just a distraction from your real task of bringing yourself to your full potential as a human being.

 

When I say, "Bringing yourself to your full potential as a human being," I don't mean that in an abstract way. I mean it in a very pragmatic way.

 

Work on becoming more physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy than you ever have been.

 

Spend time doing things you love to do.

 

Express yourself creatively through whatever medium appeals to you.

 

Learn new things. Go to new places. Meet new people.

 

Populate your life with healthy people. Don't get drawn into other people's struggles. You can't fix them.

 

Find your point of internal equilibrium, and make your decisions from there, in there.

 

Don't let anyone distract you from any of the above.

 

No contact.

 

 

Take care.