oldshirt Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 One thing that gets to me on these threads ... is the comment of "you'll be babysitting while she's out with other men" You don't babysit your own children It's called looking after your kids, just like the mother does. Who would ever say "your husband is out cheating while you babysit?" Why the outright sexism! I intentionally used that term because that is what he is to her while she has her legs over the OM's shoulders. He is the babysitter watching the kids while she is out having fun on her date. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 I intentionally used that term because that is what he is to her while she has her legs over the OM's shoulders. He is the babysitter watching the kids while she is out having fun on her date. That is one of the major reasons why she wants him to remain in the home and not divorce her - so he can stay home with the kids while she plays. If she were a divorced mother, she would have to make arrangements for the kids and pay a sitter etc. This is part of the cake eating mentality of cheaters. They want the stability and support and comfort of having a spouse, but they want the fun and excitement of screwing others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 The only reason, I can see for her want to open up a marriage that doesn't involve his wife seeing other men, is that she is not attracted to the OP any more and she is fed up of his demands for sex and so she wants him to take that elsewhere, so she is left with her home and her kids and free from the pressure to perform for him. I know many men here are projecting, and see all women as the same as their errant wife or they see ALL women as having sex drives similar to their own. But some women genuinely can live without sex, they don't want the hassle, they don't enjoy it for multiple reasons, and are a lot happier without it. Sex for some women is all about having babies and once that is over and done with they have no interest, or they are petrified of getting pregnant again, so they will avoid intimacy at all costs, or they just no longer find their husband attractive enough to have sex with him. To some men that means she immediately tries to find another man for sex, but that may not be how it works at all. So whilst I agree yes. she may have a gaggle of gorgeous guys lined up, or she may have been unfaithful for years, and/or she may be indeed be a horny sex siren, but that may not be as likely as some here would have us believe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaltAndLight Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 It is my personal belief that anytime you add others in your marriage, there will certainly be problems. I believe we were created to come on union and remain with one person for as long as the marriage is still in place. I understand that you don't desire divorce and I commend you on that! But when you add other lovers what is really the difference? As soon as other people come into the picture, there will be confusion, secrets, insecurities, romantic emotions for others, etc. Your marriage is between the two of you, it is a sacred thing that must be honored…anything less than that is not a marriage and if you are not going to be married in everything, then why go through the pain before the inevitable divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 The only reason, I can see for her want to open up a marriage that doesn't involve his wife seeing other men, is that she is not attracted to the OP any more and she is fed up of his demands for sex and so she wants him to take that elsewhere, so she is left with her home and her kids and free from the pressure to perform for him. I know many men here are projecting, and see all women as the same as their errant wife or they see ALL women as having sex drives similar to their own. But some women genuinely can live without sex, they don't want the hassle, they don't enjoy it for multiple reasons, and are a lot happier without it. Sex for some women is all about having babies and once that is over and done with they have no interest, or they are petrified of getting pregnant again, so they will avoid intimacy at all costs, or they just no longer find their husband attractive enough to have sex with him. To some men that means she immediately tries to find another man for sex, but that may not be how it works at all. So whilst I agree yes. she may have a gaggle of gorgeous guys lined up, or she may have been unfaithful for years, and/or she may be indeed be a horny sex siren, but that may not be as likely as some here would have us believe. I think if that had been the case here, he would had lead off with saying they had sexual issues for years and that she wasn't sexually responsive to him and that she was becoming resentful of the pressure and offered him to get his needs met elsewhere. The way he has written it here, it sounds like she has initiated this so she can get it elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 The only way an open marriage or relationship works is if the decision is arrived at by two people when the marriage or relationship is exceedingly strong and healthy. Both parties must discuss it at length and decide that they unanimously think this type of relationship is what fulfills them sexually and emotionally. The logistics and rules are laid out in a compassionate manner and both have fun and ease with the loss of monogamy and traditional values. That would not be you two, Grumps 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 The way he has written it here, it sounds like she has initiated this so she can get it elsewhere. That is not how I read it. The crazy thing is she doesn't seem to plan to act on this but due to our past martial issues just wants to make sure its open. She honestly tells me its okay for me to see other women. Seems she is not going to act on it, but she is happy for him to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 That is one of the major reasons why she wants him to remain in the home and not divorce her - so he can stay home with the kids while she plays. If she were a divorced mother, she would have to make arrangements for the kids and pay a sitter etc. This is part of the cake eating mentality of cheaters. They want the stability and support and comfort of having a spouse, but they want the fun and excitement of screwing others. uh....wrong. If she were a divorced mother, she would have 50% of her nights free (his custodial nights) and she can do what she pleases during that time. Also, you very quickly jumped to the conclusion that he supports her financially. Where did that come from? Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Also, you very quickly jumped to the conclusion that he supports her financially. Where did that come from? It's a pretty safe assumption... I think we can assume it's correct Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 uh....wrong. If she were a divorced mother, she would have 50% of her nights free (his custodial nights) and she can do what she pleases during that time. Also, you very quickly jumped to the conclusion that he supports her financially. Where did that come from? If she were to date while she had the kids, she would have to find and pay a babysitter out of her own pocket. Whereas if they were to remain together, she could leave them with their bio father for free. In regards to the support, assuming that he is gainfully employed, he is contributing to the household and helping maintain a standard of living that she may not be able to achieve on her own, even if he was not completely supporting her while married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I intentionally used that term because that is what he is to her while she has her legs over the OM's shoulders. He is the babysitter watching the kids while she is out having fun on her date. My point stands ... you don't babysit your own kids whatever their mother is doing. When a man wants to open the marriage, this term is never used. I'd understand if they were stepchildren, but not when the kids are his. Would she be called the babysitter if he was out fuc***g another woman? Not a chance. I hear a few men say this "I'm on babysitting duty". No your not. Your just looking after your children. Some posters say this to get a reaction from the husband. I see it quite a bit. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 If she were to date while she had the kids, she would have to find and pay a babysitter out of her own pocket. Whereas if they were to remain together, she could leave them with their bio father for free. In regards to the support, assuming that he is gainfully employed, he is contributing to the household and helping maintain a standard of living that she may not be able to achieve on her own, even if he was not completely supporting her while married. I don't use the term babysitting when discussing normal family dynamics. In a normal family situation I would agree with you that fathers do not babysit - they father. I get that and I would agree with you on that point. I was using the term in this instance to emphasize that she is cake eating. It was to make a point. she wants the comforts and assistance of a spouse but only wants him around to provide a variety of household services for her and to maintain her current lifestyle and standard of living. If you would like to counter that and get the last word in on that topic you may do so. I have made my point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Caligirl79 Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Manlocx and everyone....I'm new here and been ready most of the posts so far....a bit of advice....well let me start by saying I've been with my husband for 16 1/2 yrs and we have 2 boys and he has an older son with his ex wife...to make it more complicated we lost our home and ended up guess where, that's right....at his ex wifes and her husbands home....we all have gotten along great so far....I have always believed and was brought up in a Christian home that its one man/one woman marriage....since being at his ex's home, we...well, I decided to open our marriage before we really talked about it and agreed upon it for sure....either way, so far things have been working out for us in the whole relationship area....except for the fighting and arguing between me and my husband, which has been going on for years, but I have found myself to be a bit happier since I now have a husband who I love so much but also I have a boyfriend to love as well and yes it's complicated and frustrating at times especially right now because we all live together under one roof and with their roommates and the kids and all....wow, its stressful....hopefully things will get better this month and the months following because my husband and kids and I are moving out back into our own home so maybe we can do things with our friends like go on dates and such without added stressors. It hasn't been easy...the whole open marriage thing...it comes with its advantages and disadvantages. Some jealousy goes with it too I have notice. If you two have a good relationship and talk about everything, maybe taking some time and actually talking in length about it may help. This is my first ever open relationship so this is a whole new world for me and I'm still learning. Link to post Share on other sites
Caligirl79 Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I kinda disagree with this.....In my relationship with my husband, we've had a lot of issues between us and I still want my husband at the end of the day....my boyfriend is just that, we talk, hangout, go places together sometimes, are intimate and such. My husband does the same with his ex wife. I know he has feelings for her mostly because they have a kid together, but he knows how I feel about his ex's husband and our relationship....there is some issues but then again this is all new to me and the first time we have done this so it is a learning experience....I think that Manlocx should talk with his wife and work on the details of the whole situation before going through the who divorce thing. Especially with kids involved...and yes my husband and I have two of our own....they don't know anything about the open marriage thing nor will they for awhile. Discretion is key at this point of the relationships. Let's assume for the moment that she hasn't already acted on this. Let's assume you agree to open the marriage (frankly, IMO it would be far better to divorce and do the best you can to coparent). First of all, DADT isn't really going to work. She'll obviously be going out hunting, or on a date, so will have to tell you she'll be out - and vice versa. You'll both know when this happens, because you have to ensure someone is home for the kids. Second, whether she goes out hunting, or goes online, within hours she'll find a date. When you do the same you be competing against every other single guy and a good many married ones. Women have their choice, and unless you already have someone who would jump at the chance to fool around with you, you will spend months finding anyone, and may not. You might have some luck going out, but if you are honest about your status, you will have very little luck finding anyone. She could have a different guy every week, or find a long-term lover easily - it depends on how picky she wants to be, and what she wants from this. Unless you don't care that you will have little or no success with an open marriage, and she will have as much as she wants, then divorce is a better option and provides a much more level playing field for finding someone else longer term. Bottom line: don't agree to an open marriage in this scenario. Stay married (and live with the consequences) or get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Caligirl79 Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Capster....I get what you're saying about what is one man giving that you're not type thing....I have been in this open marriage of mine for 3 months or so now and see a lot more sides on this whole thing. my husband gives me what I need but so does my boyfriend....he sometimes gives me what my husband lacks or doesn't know how to give me...if that makes since....point is. I enjoy the open marriage and but I have also known since I've been with my husband that I can be with whomever I want as long as I told him first and didn't keep things from him...I feel a sense of freedom but at the same time a sense of appreciation for what I have. one thing I've learned and try to do is after being with my boyfriend, I reconnect with my husband and spend time with each other...and talk and work on things that may not have been a problem before or something that may have been in question before.... I had a crappy marriage for the longest time. I finally fixed it (I was too beta). Although in a great place now, I wonder if it was worth the time invested. Did I waste the best years of my life when I could have found a much better situation? But in your sitch, there is no way I'd allow my wife to bang another man. I suggest you stand up for yourself. What would another man give her that you're not giving her? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Capster....I get what you're saying about what is one man giving that you're not type thing....I have been in this open marriage of mine for 3 months or so now and see a lot more sides on this whole thing. my husband gives me what I need but so does my boyfriend....he sometimes gives me what my husband lacks or doesn't know how to give me...if that makes since....point is. I enjoy the open marriage and but I have also known since I've been with my husband that I can be with whomever I want as long as I told him first and didn't keep things from him...I feel a sense of freedom but at the same time a sense of appreciation for what I have. one thing I've learned and try to do is after being with my boyfriend, I reconnect with my husband and spend time with each other...and talk and work on things that may not have been a problem before or something that may have been in question before.... And what are you going to do the day your husband no longer wants you to see this BF, or even have an open marriage anymore, when his exw cuts him off and he can't get anymore side action due to age or health? Are you going to keep on going with the open marriage? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Capster....I get what you're saying about what is one man giving that you're not type thing....I have been in this open marriage of mine for 3 months or so now and see a lot more sides on this whole thing. my husband gives me what I need but so does my boyfriend....he sometimes gives me what my husband lacks or doesn't know how to give me...if that makes since....point is. I enjoy the open marriage and but I have also known since I've been with my husband that I can be with whomever I want as long as I told him first and didn't keep things from him...I feel a sense of freedom but at the same time a sense of appreciation for what I have. one thing I've learned and try to do is after being with my boyfriend, I reconnect with my husband and spend time with each other...and talk and work on things that may not have been a problem before or something that may have been in question before.... You are deluding yourself if you think this will work out over the long term. Instead of looking for multiple men to validate you, why not learn to validate yourself? Why not put in the hard work to teach your husband how to meet your needs and you learn to meet his? Then you won't need to farm yourself out to multiple partners. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 she has been getting down with a number of men over a good number of years I'm far past the stage of being young and naive, but it does bother me that this entire thread is devoted to how much outside sex this woman is having. Maybe she is, but why not just address the OP as he's presented it. I don't have any advice for this situation; I couldn't do it, myself. It's either single and free, or with someone exclusively for me. Link to post Share on other sites
raj805 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Open marriages generally work better for the women .. The married guy will be lucky to get one lady, while the lady will have already done a few guys. ps. I think the marriage has already been open for some time now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Have you asked her what she wants? Can you deliver? Watch the first 10 minutes of "Four Christmases." Try to be her affair. She's got an exciting part of her you may be afraid of and she may be afraid of showing you. Rather than accept extramarital distractions you be her distraction. She's more than half yours and your family. Maybe it's time you go after the rest by being the bad boy she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 He's toast. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 OP it might appear that you're naïve... yeah naïve or just ignorant well you won't be ignorant soon your little sweetheart wife yep she's going to be schooling you on how very capable she is about being dishonest and lying to you like she's doing now... good luck buddy Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 If she wants a open marriage then you lost. Just a lot of hassle and agony for you because the cards aren't in your favor. If it's me I tell her no way and if she wants to stray, then let her know she can stray until the cows come home but after the divorce. You can be a good parent and be divorced. This kind of crap will cause more tension in the house then you could ever imagine and believe me the kids will pick up on it. Not worth it Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 This is going to get me flamed, probably deservedly so. An open marriage as you describe it can only work in one situation for the man. You have to be OK with seeing prostitutes. Because that's the only way 99.99% of men will ever see the kind of sexual access that any moderately attractive woman enjoys on a regular basis. For me, no way would this work. It takes a ton of time to cultivate a relationship with a woman for sex. That time would be taken away from my wife. I don't want to sleep with prostitutes, ergo, an open marriage for me would be "wife sleeps around, I stay at home". If the wife is interested in swinging/threesomes, I suppose that could be a different story, but honestly, I just don't see how any of this works out well for the man in the end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 This is going to get me flamed, probably deservedly so. An open marriage as you describe it can only work in one situation for the man. You have to be OK with seeing prostitutes. Because that's the only way 99.99% of men will ever see the kind of sexual access that any moderately attractive woman enjoys on a regular basis. For me, no way would this work. It takes a ton of time to cultivate a relationship with a woman for sex. That time would be taken away from my wife. I don't want to sleep with prostitutes, ergo, an open marriage for me would be "wife sleeps around, I stay at home". If the wife is interested in swinging/threesomes, I suppose that could be a different story, but honestly, I just don't see how any of this works out well for the man in the end. You are wise beyond your years on this topic. Also what happens is the wife becomes a WW cheats and divorces her BH most of the time and replaces him with her F' buddy/OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts