Mental NC

[Lillyp32]

Anyone have any tips on implementing mental NC? Im having issues not thinking about exMM. Im going over parts of the affair, things he said during the affair, the end of the affair, and I guess honestly obssessing about the whole thing. I know what I'm doing is pointless. I know that I won't ever get answers or a resolution to all of these thoughts/questions. I just can't seem to stop. ive been feeling beyond weak over the past few days. A part of me wishes I wouldn't have ignored the NC email and just said my piece at the end. He got to sort of lecture me about our affair and tell me I was meaningless which he said was for "closure." I didn't get closure from it and over the past few days I've had this strong urge to break NC just so I can tell him off. I haven't done it and I will not do it as I know it's completely pointless but the urge is there. I keep fantasizing about the things I would say or the things I should've said. It's ridiculous and is making me feel crazy. Ugh.

 

Any help or advise on redirecting my thoughts would be much appreciated.

[imsosad]

I feel for you.

I did a CBT training course. One of the most illuminating and helpful things I learned there, both professionally and personally, is that you can't stop thought. Trying to stop a thought is nearly impossible. Trying to control a thought is likely to lead to frustration and self blame at this "failure".

What can you do,though?

You can replace a thought. In stead of fighting it off, accept it and change it.

The idea is to turn an automatic,limiting thought in to a alternative thought that can benefit you.The automatic thought triggers negative emotion, maybe an alternative thought can trigger a different emotion.

It is normal to go through the details of the affair over and over in your mind. the trick is to add something to this cycle of thoughts.

If you like, write down some thoughts you have and we can think of a way to alter them.

If you feel this could be a good direction for you, I'll try to write some more about it later.

[spideywoman]

I feel for you.

I did a CBT training course. One of the most illuminating and helpful things I learned there, both professionally and personally, is that you can't stop thought. Trying to stop a thought is nearly impossible. Trying to control a thought is likely to lead to frustration and self blame at this "failure".

What can you do,though?

You can replace a thought. In stead of fighting it off, accept it and change it.

The idea is to turn an automatic,limiting thought in to a alternative thought that can benefit you.The automatic thought triggers negative emotion, maybe an alternative thought can trigger a different emotion.

It is normal to go through the details of the affair over and over in your mind. the trick is to add something to this cycle of thoughts.

If you like, write down some thoughts you have and we can think of a way to alter them.

If you feel this could be a good direction for you, I'll try to write some more about it later.

 

Yes, please do! I just thought of something ... not sure where or what it was for but it was basically the person doing the overthinking wearing a rubber band around her / his wrist. and when the unwanted thoughts came, they were supposed to pull on the rubber band, thus "snapping" out of the thought and shifting or redirecting focus elsewhere. seems like what you learned is a non-physical example of this.

 

please write more when you can, i'm sure there are plenty of us who can benefit.

 

OP _ i'm right there with you. sometimes i feel like i am held hostage by my thoughts.

[Lillyp32]

I feel for you.

I did a CBT training course. One of the most illuminating and helpful things I learned there, both professionally and personally, is that you can't stop thought. Trying to stop a thought is nearly impossible. Trying to control a thought is likely to lead to frustration and self blame at this "failure".

What can you do,though?

You can replace a thought. In stead of fighting it off, accept it and change it.

The idea is to turn an automatic,limiting thought in to a alternative thought that can benefit you.The automatic thought triggers negative emotion, maybe an alternative thought can trigger a different emotion.

It is normal to go through the details of the affair over and over in your mind. the trick is to add something to this cycle of thoughts.

If you like, write down some thoughts you have and we can think of a way to alter them.

If you feel this could be a good direction for you, I'll try to write some more about it later.

 

I would love to hear more about this! I really need some help. I'll write more about the thoughts I keep having a little later when I've got more time. Work is turning or to busier than I anticipated. Good news is I get a bit of a distraction from thinking about him.

[Lillyp32]

Yes, please do! I just thought of something ... not sure where or what it was for but it was basically the person doing the overthinking wearing a rubber band around her / his wrist. and when the unwanted thoughts came, they were supposed to pull on the rubber band, thus "snapping" out of the thought and shifting or redirecting focus elsewhere. seems like what you learned is a non-physical example of this.

 

please write more when you can, i'm sure there are plenty of us who can benefit.

 

OP _ i'm right there with you. sometimes i feel like i am held hostage by my thoughts.

 

I'm going to try the rubber band thing! I'm feeling the same way as you It's torture.

[spideywoman]

sending you hugs, Lily.

[heartwhole]

I've tried the rubber band trick without much luck; maybe I wasn't properly versed in it. What I've found helpful is to imagine that I'm holding my painful feelings like a bunch of balloons, and when they crop up I take a deep breath and imagine letting the bunch of balloons go. Then I imagine them floating up and away while I try to center myself in feelings of peace and goodwill.

[spideywoman]

I've tried the rubber band trick without much luck; maybe I wasn't properly versed in it. What I've found helpful is to imagine that I'm holding my painful feelings like a bunch of balloons, and when they crop up I take a deep breath and imagine letting the bunch of balloons go. Then I imagine them floating up and away while I try to center myself in feelings of peace and goodwill.

 

I am giving this a go, or another form of visualization. i haven't tried the rubber band thing myself. figured i shouldn't be walking around with bruises around my wrists, not a good look at the office ha ha.

[eye of the storm]

I wrote long detailed emails. I poured out every thought and feeling. I re read them. Edited and polished them. re read them. tweaked them with better word choices. re read them. realized they said exactly what I wanted to say. Perfection.

 

Then I deleted them.

 

They were never for him. They were always for me.

 

Now when I think about him, and I still do, I try to plan a vacation. It will be my first one in 6 years that he wasn't with me. I mentally debate where I'm going the pros and cons of each location. What I'm looking for in a hotel. Budget. I try to force myself to think of something else.

 

It is helping, the vacation I want will be 7.2 million. lol But I am hopeful that before I actually book, I'll think of him less and my budget will become much more reasonable.

 

Fill your time with more productive things. Studying, volunteering, working out. idle hands and all that.

 

You can do this. We can do this.

[Bittersweetie]

Looking back I did two things. The first, every time I thought about him, I thought about the negatives of everything. Negatives including the nasty things he said about me to me. How he cheated on his wife. How I cheated on my H. Things like that. After a time, my brain got "trained" almost to stop thinking of him as much because it was negative.

 

Then, every time he popped up in my head, I said to myself, I'll think about him tomorrow. Every time. Then I moved on to another subject. Then the next day, I'd say the same thing. This is how I got through NC. One day at a time, then eventually, I'm not thinking of contact, I'm not thinking of him at all. And weeks, months, years have gone by.

 

Good luck.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Lilly I'm right there with you. I felt i was getting better and then i saw him at my son's baseball tryouts the other night and i came home and cried for an hour in the bath by myself. he was so matter-of-fact towards me...quick kiss on the cheek hello and walked on. like we were never anything to eachother.

 

i am obsessing all over again. can't stop thinking about him. only stops when i am actively engaged in some project. i try to turn the thoughts off, but that doesn't work. so i turn the thoughts to "how would our reality have turned out"...both of us divorcing, our kids, custody, moving, the people in the community scandalizing us, our friends not supporting it, finances. then the actual being together in life...farting, pooping, messiness, romance fades, not in the mood for sex...and lo and behold...we are back to a situation that is just like our current marriages.

[aileD]

I feel for you.

I did a CBT training course. One of the most illuminating and helpful things I learned there, both professionally and personally, is that you can't stop thought. Trying to stop a thought is nearly impossible. Trying to control a thought is likely to lead to frustration and self blame at this "failure".

What can you do,though?

You can replace a thought. In stead of fighting it off, accept it and change it.

The idea is to turn an automatic,limiting thought in to a alternative thought that can benefit you.The automatic thought triggers negative emotion, maybe an alternative thought can trigger a different emotion.

It is normal to go through the details of the affair over and over in your mind. the trick is to add something to this cycle of thoughts.

If you like, write down some thoughts you have and we can think of a way to alter them.

If you feel this could be a good direction for you, I'll try to write some more about it later.

 

 

This. H has trouble with triggers of his AP all the time because the ride to work is full of them.

 

He's started replacing "oh this is the place where we had a special moment/kiss/screw/whatever". With the though "that's the place I betrayed aileD. That day I was a liar and while my family was at home o was indulging in selfishness"

 

It helps retrain the mind.

[DKT3]

People get into affairs because they cant conquer the need for outside validation, for those types of people affairs especially with a Married person is the ultimate in validation.

 

This makes the key to getting over them finding a source of internal validation, a way to create the same or similar chemical reaction in the brain.

 

Obsession with what could have been only keeps you stuck no matter if it's good or bad visualization.

 

Secondly one has to accept that there will be pain, especially for those who feel duped by AP's. By accepting it, it will allow you to move on from dwelling on it.

 

I think this is the point in which so many MW get stuck, they are unwilling to accept the truth and that is they risked so much for so little In return. Then it becomes a loop of why. Why would he do this, why would he say that, why wouldn't he fight for us......denial and delusions. Acceptance is the first step.

[malvern99]

I also used to suffer from the obsessive thoughts on the other side of the fence. Thought interruption and redirection worked for me to some extent. Whenever I had a negative thought, I'd consciously stop myself, analyse the thought and replace it with what I believed the truth to be. It kind of worked. I guess I just had to feel to heal. What does definitely work though is time. The more time that passed the less those thoughts had a hold on me. Good luck.

[Lillyp32]

People get into affairs because they cant conquer the need for outside validation, for those types of people affairs especially with a Married person is the ultimate in validation.

 

This makes the key to getting over them finding a source of internal validation, a way to create the same or similar chemical reaction in the brain.

 

Obsession with what could have been only keeps you stuck no matter if it's good or bad visualization.

 

Secondly one has to accept that there will be pain, especially for those who feel duped by AP's. By accepting it, it will allow you to move on from dwelling on it.

 

I think this is the point in which so many MW get stuck, they are unwilling to accept the truth and that is they risked so much for so little In return. Then it becomes a loop of why. Why would he do this, why would he say that, why wouldn't he fight for us......denial and delusions. Acceptance is the first step.

 

I'm not thinking about was could have been and wondering why he didn't leave his wife and run away with me. I certainly didn't expect or want him to fight for us either. I've stated before that I didn't see a real us as a possibility given our situation and he knew that. There is no denial or delusions in that aspect. However, he was a big part of my life for almost 3 years. Day in and day out. It's not easy not having him around. It's not easy letting go. I loved him even though I know everyone wants to say it was a fog. I'm working on letting go everyday. It hasn't been easy but I'm trying.

 

Maybe the validation thing is something for me to look deeper into. I know that my biggest hang up was being told by him that he didn't love me. If that had been left out of the letter I know I would've missed him, but I would've been fine. I guess you're right. I feel duped. Not duped because we aren't together, duped that he made me feel like he cared and then said he didn't. I'm not sure what to believe and this is probably the thing I'm having the hardest time with. The thing that's holding me back from moving on. It's ridiculous really.

[Lillyp32]

Thank you everyone for all the suggestions!! I remember when I used to have obsessive thoughts about my wh exOW I would visualize literally kicking her out of my head. It worked so well for me then but has t been working with exMm. He just seems to pop right back.

 

I like the idea of writing to him but not sending it. It would be a good way to get my feelings out. I think that replacing my thoughts about him with negative ones might help as well.

[m4p]

Looking back I did two things. The first, every time I thought about him, I thought about the negatives of everything. Negatives including the nasty things he said about me to me. How he cheated on his wife. How I cheated on my H. Things like that. After a time, my brain got "trained" almost to stop thinking of him as much because it was negative.

 

Then, every time he popped up in my head, I said to myself, I'll think about him tomorrow. Every time. Then I moved on to another subject. Then the next day, I'd say the same thing. This is how I got through NC. One day at a time, then eventually, I'm not thinking of contact, I'm not thinking of him at all. And weeks, months, years have gone by.

 

Good luck.

 

Wow this was exactly how I coped too!

 

After the end of the A, I found myself dwelling on his "goodness", it was just non-stop horrible mind movies playing everyday. I cried like someone died. So I forced myself to focus on his bad. All the negatives that I brushed aside when I was infatuated. All the pain he caused and the way he lied so easily. And of course my own shame at participating in it. You got to own it. Own that you did it too and that this is for the best. I cried and cried but one day I was crying lesser, then no more.

 

When my thoughts wandered to him, I also did the "I'll think about him later" thing. It really does work. Some form of denial, but it worked. As they all like to say; out of sight, out of mind. You have to try to not let it consume you. Give yourself time to grief but that's about it. Push it away slowly and one day you'll find that you don't need to push anymore. And it's been almost 2 years for me. I'm alright and I'm fine, life goes on. We only have 1 short life, don't waste it aye? You'll get there.

 

Hugs.

[Lillyp32]

Wow this was exactly how I coped too!

 

After the end of the A, I found myself dwelling on his "goodness", it was just non-stop horrible mind movies playing everyday. I cried like someone died. So I forced myself to focus on his bad. All the negatives that I brushed aside when I was infatuated. All the pain he caused and the way he lied so easily. And of course my own shame at participating in it. You got to own it. Own that you did it too and that this is for the best. I cried and cried but one day I was crying lesser, then no more.

 

When my thoughts wandered to him, I also did the "I'll think about him later" thing. It really does work. Some form of denial, but it worked. As they all like to say; out of sight, out of mind. You have to try to not let it consume you. Give yourself time to grief but that's about it. Push it away slowly and one day you'll find that you don't need to push anymore. And it's been almost 2 years for me. I'm alright and I'm fine, life goes on. We only have 1 short life, don't waste it aye? You'll get there.

 

Hugs.

 

Sometimes I get stuck on my part in all of it. I mean I think about it all the time but sometimes I dwell on it. I get so disgusted with myself and my actions. I still can't believe I did what I did. Caused the pain that I caused all for my own selfishness. It's very hard when I get to that dark place, I get full on anxiety attacks. I can barely breath and I just cry and cry. It's almost paralyzing.

 

I've been trying to cling to his bad side today when I think of him. It's worked to an extent. I like the idea of telling myself I'll think about him tomorrow.

 

You sort of triggered me with "we only have one short life." ExMM used to say something very similar to me whenever I'd express my guilt about what we were doing. "We only live once," he'd say. Ugh.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Anyone have any tips on implementing mental NC? Im having issues not thinking about exMM. Im going over parts of the affair, things he said during the affair, the end of the affair, and I guess honestly obssessing about the whole thing. I know what I'm doing is pointless. I know that I won't ever get answers or a resolution to all of these thoughts/questions. I just can't seem to stop. ive been feeling beyond weak over the past few days. A part of me wishes I wouldn't have ignored the NC email and just said my piece at the end. He got to sort of lecture me about our affair and tell me I was meaningless which he said was for "closure." I didn't get closure from it and over the past few days I've had this strong urge to break NC just so I can tell him off. I haven't done it and I will not do it as I know it's completely pointless but the urge is there. I keep fantasizing about the things I would say or the things I should've said. It's ridiculous and is making me feel crazy. Ugh.

 

Any help or advise on redirecting my thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

Sure. Write your letter. Put it here. I've love to do it too.

[Poppy47]

Hi Lily,

 

YOu should just let the thoughts flow.

 

If you remain truly NC you will naturally stop thinking obsessively about him.

 

There isn't an instant solution. It's TIME.

 

I have been 30 weeks NC and rarely ever think about xMM anymore. If I remember him at all it is unemotional.

Poppy

[Lillyp32]

Oh Poppy, haven't I said before I don't like the word time? lol I'm sure my problem is I just want to forget him. I'm fighting my thoughts and I think that's making them worse and more obsessive. I'm almost at 8 weeks NC. It's better than it was in the beginning but still unbelievably hard at times! I'm just tired of giving him power and headspace. I want it to go away.

 

Midnight, I may do just that. Maybe getting it out will help. The thought of writing it scares me though. Whenever I think of what I'd say I end up holding back tears. Another thing I'm tired of, shedding tears over him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh Poppy, haven't I said before I don't like the word time? lol I'm sure my problem is I just want to forget him. I'm fighting my thoughts and I think that's making them worse and more obsessive. I'm almost at 8 weeks NC. It's better than it was in the beginning but still unbelievably hard at times! I'm just tired of giving him power and headspace. I want it to go away.

 

Midnight, I may do just that. Maybe getting it out will help. The thought of writing it scares me though. Whenever I think of what I'd say I end up holding back tears. Another thing I'm tired of, shedding tears over him.

 

I hear you. I have cried the entire 2016.

 

Don't be scared. You are not sending it to him, it's for you. I've written the equivalent of Moby Dick in emails to friends and posts here about him. It helps because you can see how far you have come.

[spideywoman]

Lovely ladies,

 

not sure if this would be the right thread to post this on but i think it falls under the "moving on" category which NC is but one tool toward.

 

had my therapy session today and my therapist gave me a swift quick in the derriere. i'm still hurting and will be bruised in the days to come fore sure. she was not letting me off easy. basically, after months of therapy, an ongoing divorce and end of the affair, she diagnosed me as being in a "moderate depression" which i was suspecting anyway. that didn't bother me. i know i am. then she kept harping on me, interrogating me even, on what i was going to do about it, how much longer was i going to allow myself to be depressed and what was i going to do to pull myself out of it. an action plan, if you will.

 

this mortified me. until now, i figured it was just a matter of time, one cannot be depressed forever, right? i mean, if getting out of a depression is so easy, then why are there so many going about life depressed? granted, there are degrees obviously and mine isn't that serious relative to other cases. i was offended on behalf of myself and other i have seen suffer. how can you diminish something so serious, i asked her. medication was discussed albeit briefly since i don't want that right now, nor does she think it's necessary.

 

so basically she said depression feeds on itself, it doesn't need any help to survive, to thrive and keep on bringing you down. it's inertia. and you need to actively, conscientiously accept it and vow to combat it. and she challenged me: spidey, she said, where's your pulse? i want you to live. i want you to come in here like you did several months ago and make me a little jealous of the stories you tell me, the things you did, the trouble you got into, the verve with which you spoke. make me want to be in your life, your friend. because right now, i am kind of bored of your 'home-work-pick up the dog-work-home-walk the dog' routine.

 

now i am freaking out. freaking out because i'm thinking "where do i even start?!" this seems like such a daunting, insurmountable task, finding joy in life again. i'm racking my brain and paralyzed at the thought. i know i can do it, but how? and of course the therapist left me to figure it out for myself, the great wise, woman that she is

 

so i guess i just needed to share since hey, that's why we're here, right? many times i have read your stories over the past year and they have inspired me into doing something or another. and i hope this little session of mine today, this little nugget of "duh!" info that was revealed to me might help someone here.

 

onwards and upwards. wishing all of us strength and patience in our journeys.

 

PS: editing since i noticed this was my 100th post here. ha! i'll take that as a sign that things WILL look up!

Edited November 9, 2016 by spideywoman

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lovely ladies,

 

not sure if this would be the right thread to post this on but i think it falls under the "moving on" category which NC is but one tool toward.

 

had my therapy session today and my therapist gave me a swift quick in the derriere. i'm still hurting and will be bruised in the days to come fore sure. she was not letting me off easy. basically, after months of therapy, an ongoing divorce and end of the affair, she diagnosed me as being in a "moderate depression" which i was suspecting anyway. that didn't bother me. i know i am. then she kept harping on me, interrogating me even, on what i was going to do about it, how much longer was i going to allow myself to be depressed and what was i going to do to pull myself out of it. an action plan, if you will.

 

this mortified me. until now, i figured it was just a matter of time, one cannot be depressed forever, right? i mean, if getting out of a depression is so easy, then why are there so many going about life depressed? granted, there are degrees obviously and mine isn't that serious relative to other cases. i was offended on behalf of myself and other i have seen suffer. how can you diminish something so serious, i asked her. medication was discussed albeit briefly since i don't want that right now, nor does she think it's necessary.

 

so basically she said depression feeds on itself, it doesn't need any help to survive, to thrive and keep on bringing you down. it's inertia. and you need to actively, conscientiously accept it and vow to combat it. and she challenged me: spidey, she said, where's your pulse? i want you to live. i want you to come in here like you did several months ago and make me a little jealous of the stories you tell me, the things you did, the trouble you got into, the verve with which you spoke. make me want to be in your life, your friend. because right now, i am kind of bored of your 'home-work-pick up the dog-work-home-walk the dog' routine.

 

now i am freaking out. freaking out because i'm thinking "where do i even start?!" this seems like such a daunting, insurmountable task, finding joy in life again. i'm racking my brain and paralyzed at the thought. i know i can do it, but how? and of course the therapist left me to figure it out for myself, the great wise, woman that she is

 

so i guess i just needed to share since hey, that's why we're here, right? many times i have read your stories over the past year and they have inspired me into doing something or another. and i hope this little session of mine today, this little nugget of "duh!" info that was revealed to me might help someone here.

 

onwards and upwards. wishing all of us strength and patience in our journeys.

 

PS: editing since i noticed this was my 100th post here. ha! i'll take that as a sign that things WILL look up!

 

I know what you mean. I realized this about myself. I'm depressed and in danger of a circling the drain.

 

My plan is to not let my business collapse so I'm trying to block it off to do work. I've accepted November is shot as I counted down till I say goodbye to mm, which is horrendous.

 

I'm making a 6 month time table. I get very busy in the winter with my business so I am making a May 1st goal to be happy again. The plan will be work, exercise, diet and NC. I do not know how I will feel when I can never see or contact him again. I'm a little afraid.

 

2 years of my life, gone to never be recovered.

[Cyra]

 

2 years of my life, gone to never be recovered.

 

Know what you mean. The time wasted is what i regret most