It's been over 4 years

[lovesick1]

And I am still haunted by dreams of a past relationship.

 

I've been happily dating a new person for over 11 months. We make a great couple, we have incredible sex, and we connect on mental, physical, and spiritual levels.

 

Yet despite my best efforts at letting go of my past, part of my subconscious refuses to let go. I feel fine in the day, I never think about her and live my life happily moving forward. I don't follow her on facebook, I have deleted all her texts, and the only contact we ever have is on our birthdays-- which I've resolved to stop as well.

 

She reached out to me a few weeks ago in a friendly way, but very out of the blue. She was chatty over my interests but has been with another man for years. Her contacting me caused me a lot of confusion and heartache again, and it prompted me to reach out. I asked her straight up what her feelings were, what she expected out of any contact with me, and why we keep up to begin with. She told me that she was and would always be fond of me which is why she reaches out, yet she is happily with another person. I explained the emotional turmoil it causes me and asked her to tell me we'd never reconcile again, and she wouldn't do it. I don't understand, if she is so happy with her current s/o why can't she give me that. As she couldn't tell me, I told myself we'd never speak again, which is why I took the actions listed above. My current girlfriend is aware of all of this and has been very understanding.

 

However, she is now popping up in my dreams, for the past two nights now. In my dream from last night, she was with me and my current s/o at my house. I was leaving and my ex walked outside to talk to me. She hugged me and told me how she didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told her I'd like to remain friends as well but didn't think it was possible. My s/o was walking outside and I tried to get my ex to let go of me as I was ashamed, but she wouldn't. My s/o was hurt, and my ex ended up going up to her and hugging her as well apologizing for any pain she'd caused us. Yet despite her stating she wanted to be friends, she was hanging all over me the whole time. And even though my wishes were for my ex to disappear forever, part of me enjoyed her being around.

 

What all this suggests to me is that even though I've consciously made efforts to remove her, part of me is still struggling to do so. Any suggestions on how else I can move forward? I don't like being troubled by thoughts of her during the day and would rather never think of her again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And I am still haunted by dreams of a past relationship.

 

I've been happily dating a new person for over 11 months. We make a great couple, we have incredible sex, and we connect on mental, physical, and spiritual levels.

 

Yet despite my best efforts at letting go of my past, part of my subconscious refuses to let go. I feel fine in the day, I never think about her and live my life happily moving forward. I don't follow her on facebook, I have deleted all her texts, and the only contact we ever have is on our birthdays-- which I've resolved to stop as well.

 

She reached out to me a few weeks ago in a friendly way, but very out of the blue. She was chatty over my interests but has been with another man for years. Her contacting me caused me a lot of confusion and heartache again, and it prompted me to reach out. I asked her straight up what her feelings were, what she expected out of any contact with me, and why we keep up to begin with. She told me that she was and would always be fond of me which is why she reaches out, yet she is happily with another person. I explained the emotional turmoil it causes me and asked her to tell me we'd never reconcile again, and she wouldn't do it. I don't understand, if she is so happy with her current s/o why can't she give me that. As she couldn't tell me, I told myself we'd never speak again, which is why I took the actions listed above. My current girlfriend is aware of all of this and has been very understanding.

 

However, she is now popping up in my dreams, for the past two nights now. In my dream from last night, she was with me and my current s/o at my house. I was leaving and my ex walked outside to talk to me. She hugged me and told me how she didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told her I'd like to remain friends as well but didn't think it was possible. My s/o was walking outside and I tried to get my ex to let go of me as I was ashamed, but she wouldn't. My s/o was hurt, and my ex ended up going up to her and hugging her as well apologizing for any pain she'd caused us. Yet despite her stating she wanted to be friends, she was hanging all over me the whole time. And even though my wishes were for my ex to disappear forever, part of me enjoyed her being around.

 

What all this suggests to me is that even though I've consciously made efforts to remove her, part of me is still struggling to do so. Any suggestions on how else I can move forward? I don't like being troubled by thoughts of her during the day and would rather never think of her again.

 

Was this an old girlfriend or an xAP?

[lovesick1]

Was this an old girlfriend or an xAP?

 

Not sure what xAP is. It was an old girlfriend.

[eye of the storm]

xAP - ex Affair Partner

[lovesick1]

xAP - ex Affair Partner

 

No. Should I post this in a different section for better results?

[oceansaway]

I think we all struggle with the loss and when they resurface brings back the past. They always seem to come back. Mine did and I wish he didn't. You're not alone

[stillafool]

Your current gf sounds perfect. What is it about your ex that you can't get over? Maybe if you can define it you can heal it.

[Satu]

I'll reply with a verse from a poem:

 

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

If you really want to move on completely, never speak or write her name again.

That's what worked for me.

 

It sounds extreme, I know.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete her from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No. Should I post this in a different section for better results?

 

No but if if she was an XAP, it's different. However, many exes are just as hard to get over. Did you date anyone or if this the first woman in 4 years?

[lovesick1]

Your current gf sounds perfect. What is it about your ex that you can't get over? Maybe if you can define it you can heal it.

 

We had a better connection when it came to humor. She also had a more athletic figure which I preferred. Yet I would consider my current s/o more beautiful.

 

No but if if she was an XAP, it's different. However, many exes are just as hard to get over. Did you date anyone or if this the first woman in 4 years?

 

I dated one other person for nearly a year after that ex.

[MidnightBlue1980]

We had a better connection when it came to humor. She also had a more athletic figure which I preferred. Yet I would consider my current s/o more beautiful.

 

I dated one other person for nearly a year after that ex.

 

4 years is a long time. I looked you up and I saw you looking at her FB in 2014 and she had broke up with a bf. Did you contact her and hook up?

 

Whatever you feed, will grow.

[lovesick1]

4 years is a long time. I looked you up and I saw you looking at her FB in 2014 and she had broke up with a bf. Did you contact her and hook up?

 

Whatever you feed, will grow.

 

No I didn't contact her. She is one of those who bounces from relationship to relationship without any down time. So she apparently was with someone new after that split as well.

 

It is a long time. True words about what you feed will grow. I made that mistake too long keeping up with her FB and social media. I thought I was in a good spot now but apparently I have to take more drastic measures as Satu mentioned above.

[Bufo]

You started out fine by asking what she thought she'd get out of seeking you out. A fair question. But....then you gave her all the power by asking (begging) her to tell you you'd never reconcile. Since she appears to thrive on male adoration (jumping from one relationship to snore) you in effect told her that you were still hung up on her. Excellent ego stroke if that's what you wanted to do. But a poor bet if you want her gone.

 

Why is she an ex? Did she end it over your objection? If so, you have living proof that you are desireable to women (your SO).

 

Since you seem drawn to her, block her. She couldn't tell you you'd never reconcile. So tell her by blocking her. The tech types here can tell you how to do that.

 

Don't lose a minute's sleep over her